‘I was so focused on what I had lost, that I lost sight of what I had found.’ (Jerry Orbos) Orbos, a priest, recounted a story of when, as a small child living in a very poor village, he attended a fiesta. It was a special, exciting party and he was thrilled to be given a balloon. Some moments later, he was given an ice cream too. He could hardly believe it. On taking the ice cream, however, he accidentally let go of the balloon which floated away out of reach. Looking up helplessly, Jerry felt completely distraught. His mother, noticing his distress, whispered, ‘Jerry – look at your ice cream’. A loss that impacts deeply can leave us feeling hurt, mesmerised, transfixed and paralysed. We may struggle to breathe, as if caught in a trance state and unable – or unwilling – to break free. We may notice this when a person loses, say, a relationship, job or home that really matters to them. ‘What do you need?’ offers valuable empathy and support. ‘What are you not-noticing?’ can help break the gaze; enabling someone to see people, relationships and resources that lay hidden in plain sight. How do you help people to let go of what is lost? How do you help them to see what they can’t see?
22 Comments
Riddhima Kowley
1/7/2020 06:29:40 pm
I love it! Nick, your question is so important. I think that we often don’t see what we have found because we have not acknowledged our loss fully and properly and wholly. When a part of our subconscious mind is still “Holding on somewhere”, it bloody hard to move forward. And the only way we can know it is when we find ourselves ruminating or emotionally bursting out without explanations. These are all indications of that part of us that is still
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Nick Wright
1/7/2020 06:48:52 pm
Thank you, Riddhima. You reminded me of an image of a hand: that we can't take hold of the new until we first release our grip on the old.
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Rohan Karpe, PhD MA BEng
1/7/2020 06:51:07 pm
Nick, these are such heart warming questions. Thanks for sharing these. Too often one hears "How can I help?" Its difficult to answer that when one is immersed in the sense of loss and disoriented to think clearly.
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Nick Wright
1/7/2020 06:55:21 pm
Hi Rohan and thank you for your kind feedback. Yes, when a person is in a highly-emotionally-charged state, it can be as if a lot of dust is being kicked up into the air and the person is unable to see or think clearly. On that theme, you may find this short related piece interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/catharsis
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Elise Van Vessem
1/7/2020 10:20:52 pm
There are definitely lots of people in this world who are unable or unwilling to look at what they have right in front of them. There are of course, different reasons for this, but I've noticed that many people become comfortable in their misery...not necessarily because they consciously choose to be miserable, but perhaps their subconscious tells then it's easier that way (and maybe because they are almost guaranteed attention?) They may go as far as to ask for help but then reject it. Everything seems to be too difficult. They can't "see" anything positive and it appears that they don't really WANT to move out of their negative state.
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Nick Wright
1/7/2020 10:27:26 pm
Hi Elise. You are touching on some complex psychological phenomena here. Are you familiar with Eric Berne's 'Games People Play', based on Transactional Analysis? It proposes that people sometimes engage in patterns of behaviour that are, on the face of it, self-defeating because, at some level and not necessarily in conscious awareness, those behaviours and the responses they evoke achieve something they believe they want or need.
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Elise Van Vessem
2/7/2020 12:35:01 am
Nick, yes I am familiar with the games people play, but don't ask me to quote anything...it was many moons ago.
Nick Wright
2/7/2020 12:36:25 am
Lol, Elise. I just Googled it and it was first published in 1964! Still a classic text. So insightful and revealing.
Felicity O'Hanlon
2/7/2020 11:32:36 am
Thought provoking as usual Nick. I suppose the psychodynamic therapists would say first process the emotion of loss before focusing on what you have and moving forward. Coaching might focus more on that. They are very different processes on different levels but not necessarily mutually exclusive. There are some very deep psychodynamic patterns, as Elise touched on above, which can hold people captive. Some people might not be able to process a loss for a number of reasons, they might not have the capacity on their own and then find that the attention is a comforting palliative and so stay stuck. They are not necessarily playing games but stuck in deep subconcious dynamics, the 'illogic' of pathology. (A colleague who is an abuse/rape counsellor said the hardest thing is seeing the pattern of young survivors visit home only to fall foul of an abusing parent. Our trainer explained they were still trying to get appropriate parental attention and care, recreate the situation in the hope it could turn out right, rather than face up to the pain of realisation that those primary carers who should care the most, will never care, in fact they will do harm). Hard to find good psychotherapists and if you do they cost a fortune, often out of the reach of some of the people who need them most. Also overcoming those patterns takes courage and commitment. Facing the transference that is necessary can be overwhelming, meaning some people drop out before overcoming. The process is lengthy and open ended, if the therapist is not skilled enough and not in expert supervision clients can end up dependent and don't get to transference where the real healing takes place, just stay in analysis paralysis or intellectualising about what has happened. (CBT also not effective for these situations). Coaching is great for moving people forward, so is positivist psychology but neither is any good if they have an unconscious ball and chain of unresolved, maladaptive emotional patterns holding them back. Often they are unable then to have productive relationships with those around them because their experiences have defined them, people avoid them.
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Nick Wright
2/7/2020 09:51:32 pm
Thank you, Felicity, and for sharing such profound reflections and insights from a psychodynamic perspective and experience-base. Your mention of the illogic of pathology in the context of dynamics of relationships reminded me of family systems therapy, looking at what happens between people as well as within people - and the interplay between. There are clear parallels in systemic coaching.
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Felicity O'Hanlon
2/7/2020 10:28:47 pm
Great Nick, thanks, systemic coaching sounds interesting, I will look it up. It is great to hear how rich and diverse coaching and coaching psychology has become over the last 20 years or so. This means unless people are emotionally traumatised in some way, coaching can offer therapeutic effect on different levels for diverse situations, also without the same stigma as therapy/counselling.
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Nick Wright
3/7/2020 12:58:04 am
Thanks Felicity. Well said. On the systemic coaching front, this short piece may be of interest? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/micro-macro
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Jesus A. Vasquez
3/7/2020 12:31:28 pm
You can never truly help someone who has lost something dear and who is paralyzed in the traumatizing moment far after it has happened. We can help them to see what lies ahead, that when they decide, it's okay to rebuild they will do so higher than that ever imagined.
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Nick Wright
3/7/2020 12:36:20 pm
Hi Jesus and thank you for sharing such profound reflections. I have been caught up in deep trauma before and can identify well with the experience you describe here. You reminded me of this related short piece: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/light
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Emma Monaghan
3/7/2020 02:17:39 pm
Sharing a safe space with someone and loving them, knowing they are whole and not broken, and allowing them to share their loss without feeling I have to fix or change it or them is my starting point. (Or at least, my desired starting point! Often easier said than practiced...)
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Nick Wright
3/7/2020 04:44:28 pm
Thank you, Emma - and for your personal honesty. So many of these things are simple, but not easy. 'Knowing they are whole and not broken' is such a profound and important philosophical and relational stance. It reminds me of Claire Pedrick's philosophy at 3D Coaching: 'We assume that people are robust enough to deal with their own stuff – unless it turns out they are not and we need to have different kind of conversation.' It runs against what Kenneth Gergen refers to (in a therapeutic context) as 'a diseasing of the population'; where everyone is viewed as having some kind or other of pathological condition. I wrote a short piece for the BACP on that theme that may be of interest? http://www.nick-wright.com/turning-point.html
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Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)
3/7/2020 06:47:43 pm
Lost....loss.....grief....pain
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Nick Wright
3/7/2020 06:49:53 pm
Hi Stella. What if the other person is asking for help to let go?
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Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)
3/7/2020 06:58:59 pm
Grief is a process. My sense of some loss is that if we process our loss we may in time come to terms with it. Some loss is like an open wound we need to take care of. We're left with scars that sometimes hurt if prodded.
Nick Wright
3/7/2020 07:03:51 pm
Hi Stella. Yes, that has certainly been true in some aspects of my own personal experience. It has meant learning to live with the loss, rather than discovering some magical way to cure or fix it.
Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)
3/7/2020 07:12:04 pm
That resonates so much Nick. Thank you for sharing from your experience.
Nick Wright
3/7/2020 07:13:03 pm
Thanks Stella. You're welcome. Leave a Reply. |
Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! Like what you read? Simply enter your email address below to receive regular blog updates!
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