Language can be a blunt instrument at times. I was in Germany struggling to hold a conversation with a social worker. I have limited German and she has limited English. After a few minutes, she looked thoughtful and said something along the lines of: ‘Isn’t it strange that language, which is meant to facilitate communication, can be such a barrier to communication?’ It’s as if we were so focusing so hard on finding the right words, understanding each others’ words, that we lost sight of each other as people and failed to notice what our intuition was telling us.
Again in Germany, I was invited to sit in and observe a counselling session between another social worker and a client. I could only understand around 30% of what was spoken so tried to focus, instead, on what was happening behind the words. After half an hour or so, the social worker turned and invited me to speak to the client – to share anything I noticed that may be important and valuable for her, no matter how tentative. I said what I had sensed and wondered, intuitively. They fed back afterwards: they were astonished by how much I had discerned. Such experiences have had a profound impact on my coaching practice. I sometimes encourage trainee coaches to imagine that, while the client is speaking, the sound is turned off completely like muting the volume on a TV set. ‘Now – what do you notice as the client speaks?’ ‘If you were an independent third party observing this interaction between you and the client, what would you notice?’ ‘What are you sensing now as the client speaks?’ This helps the coach to stay in the here-and-now moment, with the client, and to avoid getting lost in the client’s story.
17 Comments
Nathanael
21/1/2016 04:33:40 pm
Very good article!
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Nick Wright
21/1/2016 07:39:37 pm
Hi Nathanael. Thanks for your encouraging feedback. Yes, I agree that listening for the voice of the Spirit can make a real and important difference. I like your emphasis on being tentative too. You may find this short blog interesting: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/listening-for-a-voice. I like how the Late Late Service (a Christian group in Scotland describe God as the Word who 'speaks the language behind language.' Profound and mysterious. All the best. Nick
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Erika Barboza
22/1/2016 06:30:11 pm
Body language and gestures are very helpful to bridge some of the communications barriers....interesting read.
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Nick Wright
22/1/2016 06:32:03 pm
Thanks Erika. Yes, we sometimes speak with our bodies, including messages that lie outside of our own awareness. This is one reason why I find Gestalt coaching so fascinating. Are you familiar with it? All the best. Nick
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Erika Barboza
23/1/2016 12:14:13 pm
No, not familiar with it, but will look into it when I am able. Thank you! The best to you as well!
Nick Wright
23/1/2016 12:19:36 pm
Hi Erika. Here are links to a couple of Gestalt-orientated articles and short case studies that you may find interesting?
Bahl Ravinder
25/1/2016 09:37:51 am
One must also learn how these sense complement each other.
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Nick Wright
25/1/2016 09:42:14 am
Hi Bahl and thanks for your note. I agree. If we notice dissonance between what a person is saying and what they are doing, it can help raise awareness. For instance, if a person habitually smiles while talking about difficult and painful experiences, it could be that they have learned to 'put on a brave face' in the midst of such experiences or even deny to themselves how they are feeling. I would be interested to hear of any experiences you have of working in this way. All the best. Nick
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Anandhi Krishnan
25/1/2016 09:38:42 am
Actions speaks volumes. How do handicapped people then communicate?
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Nick Wright
25/1/2016 09:46:14 am
Hi Anandhi. That is a good question. I ran a coach training course recently where two of the people were deaf and used sign language (via an interpreter) to communicate in the group. When it came to observing a person they were coaching, it was difficult because they needed to look at the interpreter rather than the person speaking. I asked how they might approach this differently and they suggested looking at the person speaking first before then looking at the interpreter to 'hear' what had been said. It takes skill to do this well. I'm curious - do you have any experiences in this area you would be willing to share too? All the best. Nick
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Irene Meyn
28/1/2016 11:33:55 am
My grandfather was a very successful salesman for clothes - he was blind. I always wondered how that worked until I lived in Japan for a while. My Japanese was very limited and mastering daily situations I gained another sense: trying to detect what was needed without speaking / listening / reading. An absolutely priceless experience and a valuable asset I still use.
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Nick Wright
28/1/2016 11:36:03 am
Hi Irene. What a powerful example of learning to use the senses. I'm very intrigued...how did you detect what was needed? All the best. Nick
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Lakshmidevi Vasudevan
28/1/2016 11:44:42 am
Agreed. Most of the time, words lead to perceptions forgetting the "here and now". I do the logo reading intuitively and it is a perfect interpretation about the client system.
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Nick Wright
28/1/2016 11:46:43 am
Hi Lakshmidevi and thanks for the note. Yes, a focus on language and words can distract us from the here-and-now experience, dynamics and relationship. I'm intrigued: can you say more about how you interpret the client system by using this approach? With best wishes. Nick
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Lakshmidevi Vasudevan
1/2/2016 10:18:24 am
I don't know how I do it. I see the logo and start writing what comes to my mind. Definitely agree that OD background helps in doing that. It might be similar to sensing in some way. Once in a company I saw a portrait and shared my interpretation of that. The HR agreed to it completely and from then I started reading logos.
Terrence H Seamon
28/1/2016 11:17:01 pm
Fascinating post.
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Nick Wright
28/1/2016 11:17:46 pm
Thanks Terrence. You are a great encourager! All the best. Nick
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Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! Like what you read? Simply enter your email address below to receive regular blog updates!
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