 'A co-active conversation has certain beliefs built into it: that every situation has possibilities and that people really do have the power of choice.’ (Henry Kimsey-House) This morning’s Foundation Coaching workshop included enthusiastic participants in Burkina Faso, Malawi, Pakistan and the UK. The underlying principle was how to view any coaching relationship as a ‘designed alliance’ (Laura Whitworth). It’s about doing-with, not doing-to. Unlike in management or mentoring conversations, the person receiving coaching sits in the driving seat with the coach as facilitator alongside them as they navigate their own journey. The person receiving coaching sets the coaching agenda, e.g. ‘This is the issue I’d like to think through’, or ‘This is the goal I’d like to achieve’. They also determine how the conversation itself will take place, e.g. ‘I’d like to decide specific coaching topics in advance’, or ‘I’d like to go with the flow and see what insights or ideas emerge on route.’ In this way, the coach is called to work adaptively and creatively with different people in whatever ways they will find most useful. Would you like to work with a coach? Get in touch!
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 ‘Lord, heal me of this malady of lust…but not yet.’ (Saint Augustine) The Stanford Marshmallow Test was a famous experiment to help understand people’s ability to hold out against temptation. In its original form, it was particularly interested in the notion of delayed gratification and its impacts. For instance, if a person were able effectively to resist short term gratification in pursuit of a longer-term goal, would that improve their chances of success in life? The outcomes are still being studied today. The initial results appeared to show that, yes, a person’s ability to exercise self-control had a correspondingly positive effect in life as a whole. If, for instance, I were able to avoid spending money on trivial items in order to save up for something that’s more important to me, I’m more likely to achieve that goal. I can see it in my own life. I worked hard and saved every penny to buy a motorcycle for my 16th birthday – and I achieved it. In later years, further refined versions of the same Test showed that people are more likely to be disciplined in exercising self-control if (a) they engage with positive distractions from the immediate sources of temptation and (b) they believe their longer-term goal has a realistic chance of success. The latter is particularly significant because it points beyond individual self-control to the critical influence of a wider enabling environment. So, if I have a compelling goal, a hope, an aspiration in mind and believe that, if I am willing to hold out and stay focused on it and do whatever it takes (within my means and, for me, with the help of God) to achieve it, I am more likely to achieve it. If for whatever reason, however, I believe my circumstances dictate that I have little realistic prospect of achieving it, my ability to persist in the face of temptation will be far more difficult. In view of this, in relation to personal agency, ‘The opportunity to make effective personal choices is highly unequal.’ (Robert A. Dahl). If a person is struggling with self-control, it could be they lack sufficiently-motivating vision or values that would make the effort of self-control worthwhile; they don't have effective life distractions or networks of support; or they just can’t believe (perhaps justifiably) their goal is genuinely possible. Are you struggling to achieve your goals? Curious to discover how I can help you? Get in touch!  ‘One person can do unbelievable things. All it takes is that one person who's willing to risk everything to make it happen.’ (Sam Childers) A courageous policewoman made national headlines last week for defending freedom of speech in London. It was remarkable for a whole host of reasons. Firstly, the surprise of seeing the police defending rather than suppressing free speech (the latter in the name of ‘community cohesion’), was a refreshing contrast to widespread incidents in recent years that have led to loud cries of ‘Police the streets, not the tweets.’ Secondly, the calmness, reasonableness and professionalism with which she, as a woman, was able to confront a group of angry men. I kept watching the video and thinking, Wow – I hope I could hold my stance in situations like that with her degree of composure. Thirdly, the even-handed way in which she stated her case, upholding the rights of free speech of those who challenged her as well as those of the person they opposed. It was very different to 2-tier policing that has caused so much damage to police credibility in the UK. Let’s hope she’s a bright symbol of a whole new approach. Respect. [Concerned about free speech in the UK? Consider joining the Free Speech Union]  ‘Globalisation has obliterated distance, not just physically but also, most dangerously, mentally. It creates the illusion of intimacy when, in fact, the mental distances have changed little. It has concertinaed the world without engendering the necessary respect, recognition and tolerance that must accompany it.’ (Martin Jacques) At a Chinese New Year celebration meal last week, I looked around the dinner table at my family: my brother who lived in Brunei, his Malaysian wife, my sister who lived in Germany, her husband who travels the world with work, my niece who lived in Spain, my nephew who also lived in Spain and my Mum who has visited more countries than she can remember. My daughters are internationally-minded too: one taught herself Japanese and the other recently visited Austria. It struck me how much the world has changed in my own lifetime. The ability to communicate and build relationships with people all over the world has never been easier, thanks to advances in technology. International travel has never been easier too, at least for those who have the financial resources and visa permits to do it. Given these opportunities to rub shoulders with our global neighbours, we might expect a ‘one world’ outlook increasingly to predominate. Yet, take a cursory glance across current news headlines and we see an increasingly polarised world, divided along national, political and ideological lines. We see a profound fracturing in the breakdown of the rules-based international order with nationalism on the rise, and within nations where different -isms or -phobias tear at each other in heated culture wars. Perhaps global idealists forgot a deep human desire for distinctive identity, belonging, security – and power?  ‘We have pretty much come to accept the view that normal emotional reactions to life events like unhappiness, sadness, anxiety or mourning are pathological and indeed correctable with the right combinations of pills.’ (Eugene Epstein) I’ve had some pretty eye-watering conversations with mental health experts recently, ranging from psychotherapists and nurses to social prescribers and those with diverse lived experiences. A recurring theme of concern is the over-diagnosis of mental health conditions, combined with the over-prescription of medication as a solution. The former is creating what Kenneth Gergen calls ‘a diseasing of the population’, and the latter a world of mental health drug addicts. Yet how did we get here and what is driving these trends? It’s a complex picture: e.g. the prevalence of a medical (rather than social-psychological) model to explain and address mental health issues; a quick-fix culture that believes taking meds is faster and easier than therapy or radical lifestyle change; concerned GPs who don't have access to alternative support, or sometimes find it less stressful to prescribe meds than convince demanding patients they don’t need them. Added to this, the week after Gavin Francis published his insightful book, The Unfragile Mind, Lucy Foulkes wrote a thoughtful article, Are We Really Overdiagnosing Mental Illness? She comments that, increasingly, ‘individuals are labelling their own mild or transient life problems with the language of disorder.’ In other words, we are seeing a growing culture of self-diagnosis. (The language of disorder echoes Jo Watson’s compelling books titled, Drop the Disorder). Taking a compassionate position, however, Foulkes also proposes that the rise in mental health diagnoses is likely influenced by a corresponding rise in mental health awareness in the public arena (something to be welcomed); and a possibility that psychological distress really is on the rise for some individuals and groups in society (something to be concerned about). She ends with a word of caution: ‘If a person tells you they are struggling, you should believe them.’  ‘Not every grasp is fear; some are gentle acts of faith.’ (Iyanla Vanzant) Today, I ran a training workshop in Leading & Influencing Change for leaders and managers of organisations providing trauma-informed services for people dealing with emotional, social or mental health difficulties, learning disabilities, complex needs or domestic abuse. As always when working with such passionate and experienced professionals, I learned as much from the participants as I was able to share with them from my own insights and experiences. One service manager prompted deep reflections on the notion of ‘being held’ and of holding others. There’s a very great difference between the experience of, say, being held in a supportive way such as being hugged gently, when invited, to ease anxiety or offer safety; and of being held forcefully, uninvited, as when finding oneself restrained or constrained by another against one’s will. The former can feel like Bowlby’s secure base and the latter like a violation. Using ‘being held’ as a metaphor to explore relationships with team members at work, the manager shared how actions can be misunderstood. For instance, the manager who ‘holds’ a team member by overseeing their work (e.g. in the safeguarding arena) could be experienced as micro-managing, whereas her intention is to ‘support you in holding the risk.’ The relational skill is to hold with freedom of consent, clarity of intention and agreement on practice. Are you leading people through change and transition? Curious to discover how I can help you? Get in touch!  ‘Conversations need to be safe, focused and purposeful.’ (Al Adamsen)
This week, I spent time leading coaching skills practice workshops for participants in Malawi, Pakistan and the UK. They were building on insights from Part 1 of a foundational training programme last week before stepping into Part 2 next week. It’s always great to see people willing to experiment, give it a try, to develop their coaching confidence and competence. One of the questions we discussed in debrief today was how to ensure that, as far as possible, coaching conversations are experienced as useful. A key way to achieve this is to focus explicitly on purpose from the outset and to review it, if needed, as the conversation progresses: ‘What are we here to do?’ or, ‘What would be a great outcome for this conversation?’ It’s very different to inviting someone to start talking about whatever challenge they are facing, and then finding ourselves lost with them as they start to unpack lots of complex dimensions to it. We can invite them first to crystalise: ‘In relation to that, which area would you like to focus on in this conversation?’ and then contract, ‘How shall we use this time to address it?’ Would you like help with creating more purposeful conversations? Get in touch!  Jesus, We offer you The shattered glass Of our lives. You who make diamonds From piercing shards. #poverty #war #vulnerability #fear  ‘Our work can be a calling only if it is reimagined as a mission of service to something beyond merely our own interests.’ (Timothy Keller) I met with a small and enthusiastic group of college students in the Philippines this morning. As part of their studies, they have been learning about the Association of Southeast Asian Nations (ASEAN) and Jasmin, their tutor, invited me to share my experiences of working in some of those countries. They were keen to learn about my life and work too, as people whose careers still lay ahead of them. I was able to share glimpses of my diverse experiences in Cambodia, Philippines, Singapore, Thailand and Vietnam. I was also able to share some of the varied roles in my own life and career to date including: community development, human rights, English teacher, Baptist minister, trainer, leader/manager, international development, organisation development and psychological coach. To help the students relate to these experiences, I invited them each to imagine themselves in one of these roles and to consider: 1. Who would you serve or help? 2. What problems would you try to solve? 3. What attitudes and skills would you need? 4. What might be difficult about it? 5. What would you enjoy most? I was impressed by their level of awareness and how easily they were able to do this. I was also struck by how well they related these roles to their own career aspirations, such as in leadership and management, community development or care and counselling. An underlying recurring theme was their desire to help others in need, to improve the quality of other people’s lives, to make a difference for good in the world. This desire to live their mission and values impressed me too. At the end, one young woman asked me, ‘What have you learned in life?’ She was curious to hear what words of wisdom I could offer them, given my own background. I offered them my 3 guiding principles, the core I have discovered as key to all aspects of my own life and work: ‘Prayer, Presence, Participation’. Bottom line: ‘Follow the call God has placed in your heart – and trust him for all you need.’ Would you like help to explore your career and calling? Get in touch!  ‘They were all ordinary until they took the extraordinary steps with courage to leave extraordinary footprints.’ (Ernest Agyemang Yeboah) ‘Extraordinary people are ordinary people making extraordinary decisions.’ (Sharon Pearson) Every now and again we meet someone who’s truly making history. This week, I had the privilege of meeting Usha Vishwakarma, leader of Red Brigade Lucknow in India. It was hard to not feel awestruck. After all, for me it felt a bit like meeting Mahatma Gandhi or Mother Teresa. However, Usha’s humble persona and presence immediately put me at ease. I was grateful to activist professor Smita Singh for making the introduction and for interpreting during our brief conversation. Some years ago, I had a similar feeling when I had the privilege of meeting Bob Geldof. It was only for a few seconds after hearing him share his life story, but as I stood in front of him and shook his hand, I struggled to find words that carried a fitting sense of gravity. I have this feeling, too, every time I work with the amazing Jasmin in the Philippines. Usha, Smita, Bob, Jasmin – all ordinary people who are using their own agency, their own lives, to do something extraordinary. Keen to develop your own personal agency, your own life story? Get in touch! |
Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! 
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