 ‘True compassion means not only feeling another's pain but also being moved to help relieve it.’ (Daniel Goleman) The elderly woman felt scared as she entered the care home. She has dementia and the change in surroundings left her feeling anxious and confused. That first evening in her new room, she wanted to lay down to sleep but she stood in silence, frozen in fear. Seeing her reaction, her care worker took her by the hand, led her gently to the bed and laid down beside her. In doing so, she modelled extraordinary empathy and compassion, stretched the boundaries of professional practice and, in doing so, enabled this woman to rest and relax. She felt safer now, not alone. I felt astonished as I heard this story from a good friend in Germany last night. I tried to imagine the scene and, in doing so, I felt quite tearful. It made me reflect on the deep, healing power of touch and of being-with, especially perhaps when working with people with dementia and other cognitive, emotional or relational challenges. Yes, we do need to take safeguarding concerns seriously. Yes, we do need to consider the needs and preferences of different individuals, cultures and circumstances too. Yet how to retain the human in the midst of formal roles and rules..?
12 Comments
 ‘People’s indifference is the best breeding ground for corruption to grow.’ (Delia Ferreira – Transparency International) The UK Labour Party leadership team has found itself embroiled in controversy this week over accepting freebies from rich donors. Some people feel incensed that those in national Government positions of power, privilege and wealth are willing to accept 'perks of the job' in the form of such gifts, when so many others in the UK are struggling financially to make ends meet. Some supporters feel dismayed that their trusted representatives could make such naïve errors of judgement. At a deeper level lays the real risk of insidious corruption – the same serious risk that dogged the previous UK Government too. If I’m in a position of political power and influence and I accept a gift from you, a rich donor, will it sway my political stance, advocacy and decisions? If I accept a gift from you, will I feel obliged to promote and safeguard your interests? Will this give the rich and powerful undemocratic access and influence over strategy and policy through the back door? I wrote recently about challenges in places like the Philippines, where endemic corruption has gained a foothold and saps the life out of people and society. A case in point is a grassroots entrepreneur I spoke with this week who faces obstacle after obstacle from bureaucratic authorities – unless willing to pay a ‘service fee’ (that is, a bribe) to get a permit to which she's already entitled. We do well to take heed. Once corruption gets a stranglehold, it’s almost impossible to release it.  ‘Offering reassurance may actually reduce a person’s willingness and ability to take on responsibility for managing their own situation.’ (Tamar Pincus & Lance McCracken) I trained a group of health professionals in nursing, physiotherapy, occupational therapy and forensic roles in Action Learning facilitation this week. One thing that struck me was their genuine concern for one-another’s wellbeing, especially against a backdrop of complex systemic issues and relentless work pressures in the UK National Health Service. The group was keen to learn and implement Action Learning as a means by which to enable and sustain holistic and healthy reflective practice for students and staff in that context. Their deep sense of pastoral concern for each other became evident time and again during Action Learning practice rounds, as presenters (that is, issue-holders) shared the specific challenges they are working to address. I noticed peers often and immediately offered reassurance as an expression of human compassion and care. I shared this observation with the group so that we could explore it critically in terms of boundaries in Action Learning between, say (a) empathy and rescue and (b) challenge and support. The group reflected on these questions, especially in terms of how, in the absence of broader structural-systemic mechanisms for support, holding one-another emotionally sometimes feels like the only means by which to survive and perform effectively in their environment. And yet, in Action Learning, an instinct to (over)protect or save peers from stresses and strains could inadvertently leave them lacking in personal agency, denied the opportunity to stretch through challenge or even feeling unheard or patronised. I flashed back to once running coach training for National Health Service leaders. During a practice session, a person burst into tears. Her peer, the practising coach, looked uncomfortable and said, ‘I can see you're upset. Let's stop there.’ Curious, I intervened and asked the woman, ‘Is there anything you need?’ ‘Yes,' she replied, 'I want to continue. If we were to stop now, I’d feel so humiliated.’ In Action Learning, like in coaching, a starting assumption is that people are resilient enough to do it, unless it turns out they aren’t.  ‘What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. When you are immune to opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.’ (Don Miguel Ruiz) It is, perhaps, one of the most limiting influences on personal growth and damaging influences on interpersonal relationships. A friend once described it graphically as being like carrying a data projector on one’s shoulder, then projecting images of the things we most dislike about ourselves – without being aware that we’re doing it – onto another person. The resulting impact is that we may well see and criticise those things in another, as if they are attributes of that person, rather than face, acknowledge and address them in ourselves. On the receiving end of projection, it can feel bizarre, like someone is superimposing intentions, attitudes or behaviour onto us that just don’t fit, resonate or ring true. If we challenge or push back, the projecting person is likely to become defensive. Projection is, after all, a way of denying, avoiding or suppressing things that could cause pain or anxiety. I had this experience recently in a disagreement on social media when I asked, genuinely: ‘Are you aware of doing the same thing – here and now – that you say I’m doing?’ They blocked me. Was my question a defended response? It’s a tricky question. How can we know, in the moment, whether we are projecting onto another person or, perhaps, in denial when we reject another’s feedback as projection? It is possible, for instance, that a person is projecting onto us, and yet there is a grain of truth and justification in what they are seeing and saying. It’s also possible that a person could, conversely, idealise us, projecting admirable qualities that they find difficult personally or culturally to acknowledge in themselves. It’s complex. Here are some tips I find useful. Firstly, if I find myself critical of a person, group, issue or action, I try to imagine myself standing in front of a mirror. What could my criticisms reveal about me – e.g. my values, attitudes or instinctive behaviours? Could the other party equally and justifiably level the same criticisms at me? Secondly, if I find another expressing criticism of me, I try to ask myself honestly: how far does this reflect what I know about myself and feedback I’ve received from others? Could there be truth in this from which I can learn?  ‘The only way to eliminate bad habits is to replace them with good ones.’ (Jerome Hines) My phone pinged this morning with a message from my GP practice: ‘Your recent blood test results show you are pre-diabetic.’ I wasn’t sure whether that’s bad news or good news. The bad news – I need to get a tighter grip on my diet and lifestyle. No more reaching for an ice lolly or chocolate cake if I feel bored or stressed. The good news – they caught it, thank God, before it got worse, and will refer me to a short training course to help reverse the result. The best news is that it’s been a jolt. I’ve been half-aware for some time now that I reach too easily for unhealthy food. It’s been like a very slow slippery slope – so gradual that it’s almost imperceptible. Yet its impacts are real. The stark shock is exactly what I’ve needed to wake up, snap out of it, smell the (non-sweetened) coffee and take concrete actions to address it. When have you experienced a positive jolt? What difference has it made to your life?  ‘A riot is the language of the unheard.’ (Martin Luther King) The recent street protests in the UK, some of which were accompanied by violent disorder, raise urgent and important questions about what lies beneath. A convenient political and media narrative is to blame the ‘far right’; a fairly nebulous and elusive phenomenon since, unlike in some other European countries, the UK doesn’t have anything like France’s National Rally or Germany’s Alternative für Deutschland. There are, however, individual and group influencers with populist, nationalist and, at times, racist agendas. They contributed significantly to fanning the flames of unrest via social media; offering a rationale and focus for anger, resentment and frustration. Yet, I don’t imagine that everyone that took part in protests, whether demonstrators or counter-demonstrators, had a unified or conscious agenda. People and groups can become swept away by intense waves of emotion – a craziness, of sorts, fuelled by excitement, anxiety or other powerful feelings. Some might have sobered-up the next day with a guilty hangover. A key question is what the far right tapped into: what already lay simmering below the surface that they ignited so explosively on our cities’ streets. It’s a question about the conditions in which any extremist ideology and narrative will appear convincing and compelling to those who buy into them. I see a dynamic, concerning interplay of at least three factors at work. Firstly, when people feel alienated and marginalised in a society, extremist groups may offer a sense of identity and belonging: ‘They don’t understand you, but we do.’ Secondly, when people feel confused or anxious in the world, extremist ideas may appear to provide simplicity and certainty: ‘We have the answer to your hopes and fears.’ Thirdly, when people’s lives feel meaningless and, furthermore, they feel powerless to influence or control things that matter to them, extremist stances may provide a sense of purpose and agency: ‘We will change things.’ These three combined: a powder keg. |
Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! 
Like what you read? Simply enter your email address below to receive regular blog updates!
|
RSS Feed