Losing control

10/3/2025

‘This isn’t about giving up on goals and dreams or rolling over and playing dead until the game is over.’ (Mark Smeby)

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the relationship between human needs, the ways in which we attempt to address our needs and the subsequent impacts on our lives, relationships and sense of well-being in the world. I notice that, if I look to other human beings to fulfil my most fundamental spiritual-existential and emotional needs, sooner or later I will almost always feel hurt, disappointed or frustrated. Worse still, I risk becoming insecure, anxious, depressed, brittle, possessive, defensive, manipulative or controlling. That’s a list of qualities I wouldn't feel proud of.

I often notice similar patterns for my clients too – people and teams I coach to help them grow in insight, fulfil their potential and achieve their goals. Many coaching-related issues boil down to clients’ challenges of how to deal effectively with unmet needs. It could be in the context of personal or work relationships or, more broadly, circumstances that aren’t what they expect or hope for. I also notice that, if someone looks solely to me to fulfil their deepest spiritual-existential and emotional needs, sooner or later I will leave them feeling hurt, disappointed or frustrated too.

I’m practising an experiment: to sit quietly, take a deep breath and try to lay my needs before God with open mind and heart: ‘Nick, let go of your need for (X).’ For instance, ‘…to feel noticed… wanted... loved… cared for… listened to… heard… understood… respected… appreciated… admired.’ Or ‘…for intimacy… friendship… happiness….’ Or ‘…to be treated with fairness… compassion… justice…’ Or ‘…to be not rejected… not betrayed.’ Simple – but not easy. Yet, in letting go of the need and the implicit demand that may go with it, I’m less impacted if and when others don’t meet it.

Now, to be clear, I do want, value and appreciate these things. I also believe they are profoundly important for healthy people, relationships and societies as a whole. It’s more about learning to lose control, to loosen my grip on something – an unmet need – that could otherwise take an unhealthy hold of me. It’s about being open to God at the core of my being. It frees me up to give and receive more freely, including (I trust) to be a more humble, courageous and effective coach. I love how Iain Matthew expresses this: ‘The freedom of a love that doesn't have glue on its hands.’

18 Comments

Johnny Steadman

10/3/2025 07:41:19 pm

Interesting article Nick. Isn't it just a long way of saying "lower your expectations if you don't want to be disappointed"?

Nick Wright

11/3/2025 10:12:48 am

Thanks Johnny. That's an interesting question. The approach I'm experimenting with here is about inner transformation rather than protective pessimism. Simply lowering expectations is often a defensive move, expecting less so we won’t get hurt. This can lead to apathy, disengagement or even cynicism. The approach I'm trying here, however, is about releasing control over unmet needs while still valuing them. It’s not about expecting less from life or relationships, but about not being emotionally bound to outcomes.

When we lower expectations to avoid disappointment, we’re often acting out of fear, fear of pain, rejection or frustration.
By contrast, this approach is about freedom, freeing myself from the weight of unmet expectations so that I can give and receive more openly. Lowering expectations can also sometimes mean suppressing desires, pretending they don’t matter. The approach I'm trying acknowledges and honours these desires while surrendering their fulfilment to something beyond human control (in my case, God). Ultimately, it’s a shift from a contracted way of living (trying to minimise pain) to an expansive one (embracing life with open hands).

I hope that makes sense!

James Carter

10/3/2025 07:45:49 pm

Hi Nick, From a needs-based psychology perspective, this aligns closely with the concept that while connection and recognition are fundamental human needs, relying on external sources for validation can lead to emotional instability and suffering.

Self-determination theory (Deci & Ryan) highlights autonomy, competence and relatedness as essential psychological needs. While relationships are vital for fulfillment, an overreliance on others to meet our core needs can create dependence, insecurity and emotional turbulence. By shifting focus inward, through spiritual grounding, self-reflection or mindful detachment, we cultivate resilience and inner peace. This practice doesn’t negate our desires but allows us to approach relationships with openness rather than grasping, as beautifully illustrated by the phrase: “the freedom of a love that doesn't have glue on its hands.”

Letting go of the need for external validation or fairness doesn’t mean dismissing these values; rather, it empowers us to engage with life more freely and authentically. The approach described in the blog resonates deeply with healthy psychological detachment, choosing to appreciate, rather than demand, what others offer. In doing so, we can form stronger, more fulfilling relationships and experience personal growth unburdened by expectation.

This perspective is not about surrendering ambition or connection but about fostering a secure sense of self that enables richer, more meaningful engagement with the world. Thank you for sharing this deeply insightful reflection!

11/3/2025 10:19:15 am

Hi James. Thank you for posting such insightful reflections too! Yes, if I place, expect or demand fulfilment of my deepest needs in the hands of another human being: firstly, I have no control over the outcome, which could leave me feeling anxious, insecure or frustrated; secondly, it places enormous power in that person's hands over my life and, potentially, what I might find myself doing in an attempt to win their approval; thirdly, it can place a crushing burden on the other person which could prove immensely damaging to them and the relationship.

Emily Harper

10/3/2025 07:50:15 pm

Thanks for posting this Nick. It shares some interesting parallels with mindfulness while also highlighting key differences.

Both approaches emphasize letting go of attachment, whether to expectations, validation or fairness, as a way to cultivate inner peace and emotional resilience. In mindfulness, as rooted in Buddhist psychology and modern therapeutic practices, the focus is on non-judgmental awareness of thoughts, emotions and experiences as they arise. Instead of clinging to or resisting them, mindfulness teaches us to observe them with openness and acceptance. Similarly, the blog describes a process of surrender, laying down one’s needs before God and loosening the grip on them. Both approaches foster a sense of freedom and detachment from the need for external validation.

However, a key difference lies in the source of grounding. Mindfulness is often secular or spiritual in a non-theistic sense, promoting presence in the moment without necessarily seeking resolution from a higher power. Your blog, on the other hand, frames this process within a faith-based context, emphasizing trust in God as a means of releasing unmet needs. While mindfulness encourages one to simply acknowledge and sit with emotions as they are, the blog suggests actively surrendering them in a relational, prayerful way.

Another distinction is in orientation: mindfulness often cultivates awareness through meditation and conscious breathing, anchoring oneself in the present moment. Your approach, while also reflective, leans more toward an intentional relinquishing of control: an act of trust rather than mere observation.

Both perspectives offer powerful ways to navigate life’s challenges. Whether through mindfulness or faith-based surrender, the practice of releasing attachment to our deepest unmet needs allows us to live with greater peace, freedom and emotional balance.

11/3/2025 10:21:57 am

Hi Emily. Thank you for posting such an insightful and helpful reflection on the similarities and differences between the approach I'm sharing here and mindfulness. That distinction is clearer in my own mind too now!

Natasha Röbke

10/3/2025 07:59:30 pm

Hi Nick. Your approach to letting go of unmet needs feels helpful for me, especially the idea of loosening my grip on expectations that may be holding me back. I’ve often found myself frustrated or hurt when people don’t meet my emotional needs in the way I hope they will. Reading this has made me realize how much pressure that puts on both them and me.

I like the practice you describe, taking a quiet moment to name a need and then releasing it. I’m going to try incorporating this into my own life, especially in moments when I feel disappointed or overly attached to a particular outcome. Instead of dwelling on the frustration of not feeling heard, appreciated or understood, I’ll take a deep breath and try, “Natasha, let go of your need for...” I imagine this could help me feel more at peace and less weighed down by expectations that others may not even realize I have.

What stands out most is that this isn’t about denying the importance of these needs but about finding freedom in how we hold them. I’m hopeful that practicing this kind of release will help me show up in my relationships with more openness and generosity, rather than seeking fulfilment in ways that might lead to disappointment. Thank you for sharing this perspective. I'm looking forward to seeing how it changes the way I engage with others and with myself.

11/3/2025 10:24:26 am

Hi Natasha. Thank you for such an encouraging response. I'd be interested to hear how you experience it too, and what (if any) difference it makes in your life and relationships. 'This isn’t about denying the importance of these needs but about finding freedom in how we hold them.' I really like how you summarised that.

Yvonne Mitchell

10/3/2025 08:02:34 pm

Nick, the idea of “letting go” of fundamental emotional and existential needs may bring a sense of temporary relief, but does it actually address the underlying issues?

Human needs for love, validation, fairness, and connection are not just personal desires; they are psychological necessities. Ignoring or surrendering them doesn’t make them disappear; it risks suppressing them in ways that could manifest later as emotional discontent, resentment or detachment. From a psychological standpoint, unmet needs often point to areas of growth or boundary-setting rather than something to be relinquished.

If a person consistently feels unheard, unappreciated or mistreated, the solution may not be to “let go” of those needs but rather to advocate for them in healthier ways. Expressing needs and seeking to fulfill them through meaningful relationships, self-care and constructive communication is not an act of control, it’s an act of self-respect.

Furthermore, the suggestion that placing these needs before God can provide freedom may work for some, but it also risks bypassing the responsibility we have to engage actively in our own emotional well-being. There’s a difference between trusting a higher power for strength and passively accepting circumstances that may actually need to be addressed. If we simply detach from our needs, we may also detach from the very relationships and experiences that bring fulfillment and meaning. Ultimately, rather than loosening our grip on fundamental needs, I would argue for a balanced approach, one that acknowledges these needs, seeks to meet them in healthy ways and fosters honest, mutual relationships rather than suppressing expectations altogether.

Emotional resilience doesn’t come from denying needs but from learning how to navigate them effectively.

11/3/2025 10:33:04 am

Hi Yvonne and thank you for posing such a helpful challenge. I agree with you that ignoring, suppressing or denying our most fundamental needs isn't a healthy way to deal with them. The example comes to mind of a person caught up in an abusive relationship. Simply to deny a need for safety and self-respect could be both dangerous and damaging. What's I'm proposing (for myself) here is more about exercising agency from a place of relative spiritual-existential and emotional freedom. That feels very different to bypassing responsibility for affecting change.

Graham Newton

10/3/2025 08:04:31 pm

Losing control sounds like abdicating responsibility for challenging dysfunctional relationships where they exist. Or am I missing something?

11/3/2025 10:43:36 am

Hi Graham. That's a good question. I believe the approach I'm exploring here is very different because it’s about inner freedom and healthy detachment, not passivity or avoidance. Here’s how:

Abdicating responsibility means ignoring or tolerating dysfunction, avoiding hard conversations or staying passive in unhealthy dynamics. The approach I'm trying out here is about seeking to free myself rom unhealthy emotional entanglement while still recognising the value of fairness, respect and love. It will allow me (I hope) to engage more wisely and intentionally, rather than reactively.

Letting go of the demand for others to meet our deepest needs doesn’t mean we stop setting boundaries, advocating for ourselves or addressing harmful behaviours. Instead, it helps us approach challenges from a place of strength and clarity rather than desperation or resentment. Iain Matthew’s phrase, 'the freedom of a love that doesn't have glue on its hands', suggests, to me, being fully present in relationships without clinging, controlling or being consumed by unmet needs.

This is very different to enabling dysfunction. If a relationship is harmful or toxic, this freedom allows us to address it wisely or step away if necessary, rather than staying stuck in unhealthy patterns. It aims to foster greater self-awareness, resilience and healthier relationships, rather than avoiding necessary confrontation. I hope that makes sense.

Alison Barker

11/3/2025 09:37:25 am

Hi Nick. I'm a Christian too and your blog makes sense to me, but I'm trying to decide how far it fits with a biblical understanding of walking by faith. Can you help? Thanks Nick!

11/3/2025 09:56:31 am

Thanks Alison. That's a good question. I'm still working it through too. Here are some biblical verses that come to mind: Jesus - 'who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped...' (Phil 2:6); Paul - 'It matters very little to me what you think of me, even less where I rank in popular opinion.' (1 Cor 4:3); And 'God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.' (Phil 4:19)

For more thoughtful reflections on this theme from a Christian perspective, I could recommend a glance at: Mark Smeby's 'Losing Control'; Henri Nouwen's 'The Return of the Prodigal Son' and Iain Matthew's 'Impact of God.'

11/3/2025 11:03:25 am

Thanks Nick. So that's why Jesus says "The truth will set you free"! (John 8 vs 32)

11/3/2025 02:35:56 pm

Hi Alison. Yes, I could imagine that was one of the shades of meaning in Jesus' words. I try to remind myself that, in Jesus, truth isn't an abstract propositional concept. It's a Person. I like how Henri Nouwen expresses it: 'There is no journey to God outside of the journey that Jesus made.' And, in the words of Jesus himself: 'I *am* the way, the truth and the life'. (John 14:6)

Isobel Beckett

11/3/2025 10:44:53 am

Hey Nick. You want these things but you don't need them? I'm confused!

11/3/2025 10:55:49 am

Hi Isobel. Thank you for such an honest response! Perhaps if I polarise them it will make the distinction clearer? It's the difference between a healthy or legitimate desire on the one hand, or an unhealthy neediness or co-dependency on the other. I hope that helps. Here's a short article that may be of interest: https://vanessasbennett.medium.com/the-difference-between-need-and-being-needy-dbb295a1e968

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