‘If coaching is truly a learning partnership, nowhere is the partnership more important than when coaching across differences.’ (Karen Curnow)

I’m indebted to Stephen German for a stimulating conversation about how to frame first coaching conversations when working cross-culturally. This style of contracting considers how cultures might interact and helps both parties reach clarity and agreement from the outset.

As a starting point:

‘To make sure this partnership works well, I’d like to spend a few minutes talking through how we will work together. Since we come from different cultural backgrounds, I don't want to assume my usual way of coaching is the most helpful for you. Does that sound okay?’

1. Non-directive

‘In my training, I’m taught to ask questions rather than give answers so that you can find solutions that fit your own challenges. However, in some cultures, a coach is seen more like a teacher who gives direct advice. How do you see my role? Do you want me primarily to offer you questions, or are there times you’ll expect me to share my own insights and ideas too?’

2. Hierarchy (and ‘face’)

‘I want to create a space where you feel safe to be completely honest. If I ask a question that doesn’t land well, or if you disagree with an observation I make, how will I know? Is it easy for you to tell me directly, or should we find a specific way to check in on how the session is going?’

3. Feedback

‘People handle feedback differently. Some prefer it very direct and to the point, while others find that rude and prefer a more gentle, indirect approach. Where do you sit on that scale? For example, if I notice an assumption or inconsistency in what you're saying, how would you like me to point it out?’

4. Group vs individual

‘When we set goals, I usually focus on what you want. But I know that for many, the needs of their family or team are just as important. When we talk about big decisions, how far should we consider the hopes and concerns of, and impacts on, the people around you?’

5. Time and timing

'In my own culture, starting and ending sessions exactly on time is considered very important. In some cultures, however, I'm aware that timekeeping is more flexible and fluid. How would you like us to handle starting and finishing times in a way that works best for you?'

6. Cultural learning

‘Lastly, from time to time, I may inadvertently say something that doesn't translate well or misses a cultural nuance. Would you be willing to let me know if it happens? I’d see that as a huge help in me becoming a better coach for you. Thank you.’

Do you want help with navigating cross-cultural relationships? Get in touch!

‘Lost in space, and what is it worth, huh? The president just forgot about Earth: spending multi billions, and maybe even trillions, the cost of weapons ran into zillions.’ (Grandmaster Melle Mel & The Furious Five)

On the same weekend that Christians around the world celebrated the miracle of life over death in Jesus Christ at Easter, a shot-down US airman was rescued on the ground from the grip of an enraged Iranian regime, hellbent on revenge. In this same weekend, the Artemis II space mission broke a new record for the farthest distance that human beings have travelled from Earth. I found myself wondering if, from that vantage point, the astronauts may be able to spot what strange planet Donald Trump is living on.

The self-proclaimed man of peace issued an unhinged statement on social media that said: ‘Open the F****** strait, you crazy b*******, or you’ll be living in Hell – JUST WATCH!’, then signed off with, ‘Praise be to Allah’. It’s hardly a textbook page from 'How to Win Friends and Influence People', and I struggle to imagine that an ideologically-driven, Islamist regime, known for its repressive violence against its own people and its neighbours, would be intimidated by such a threat. Is the US President lost in space?

Flash back just 6 months ago, to the Sharm El-Sheikh Peace Summit when world leaders queued up sycophantically to kiss the hand of this so-called peacemaker, standing proudly like a Pharaoh before the lights and the cameras. Or just 3 months ago, when the humble María Corina Machado self-sacrificially handed her Nobel Peace Prize medal to this sulking antihero who hadn’t won, hoping it would win favour for the oppressed people of Venezuela. It was shameful beyond words that he took it from her.

And, as it continues, the shockwaves of this regional conflict are reverberating far across the globe. The Philippines was hit yesterday by another earthquake, shaking people’s already fragile lives. It felt hard, scary and symbolic. As a result of this war, those living on the edge of existence face relentless rises in food, energy and fuel prices and are struggling barely to survive. The poor have no reserves, stockpiles or insurance and nothing but their faith to fall back on. It’s appalling. ‘Earth to Trump…come in please..?’

​‘To Christians, Easter marks a miracle so vast as to be indescribable: the entry of the Creator into his own universe, the irruption of the timeless into time, for the purpose of saving the human race by suffering an excruciating death. To non-Christians, the magnitude of that claim seems not so much far-fetched as deranged.’ (Daniel Hannan)

I guess that places me squarely among the deranged, firmly in the midst of those who dare to believe. I was inspired by Jasmin’s account this evening of how Christians in the Philippines mark and celebrate the transition from Good Friday (which represents the day on which Jesus was executed) to Easter Sunday (the day on which he was resurrected, i.e. rose back to life).

On the Saturday evening in-between, they meet in total darkness (which represents death) to pray and hear readings from the Bible. At midnight, suddenly, they ignite a fire (which represents new life). The fire blazes brightly in the deep darkness and each person lights a candle from its incandescent flames. This creates a profound image and experience of a community of light.

This ritual is a dramatic re-enactment of a spiritual transition, not just in Jesus’ experience but in today's experience too. I remember vividly when, at age 21, my own faith suddenly burst into flames. It felt like being filled with a strange energy, a dazzling, blazing light that completely transformed every dimension of my life, purpose and future. Deranged? Maybe. I dare to believe.

‘A good coach can change a game. A great coach can change a life.’ (John Wooden)

This week’s participants at an Advanced Coaching training programme joined from Pakistan, Rwanda and the UK. One of the areas we looked at was the relationship between personal capabilities (a person’s resources, including their abilities and potential) and contextual conversion factors (critical influences on a person’s opportunities to use and fulfil them).

We sometimes see indications of the latter if a person says, e.g. ‘I’m too busy to do coaching’; ‘My line manager makes all the decisions’; ‘People are promoted according to who they know, not what they know’; ‘There are no career paths here that match my talents and career goals.’ If these constraints are real, they are likely to pose significant challenges.

One participant commented that a person may face conversion-related issues in their inner landscape too (see, for instance, Timothy Gallwey’s ‘The Inner Game’). If they are anxious, stressed or exhausted, it will have an inhibiting effect on their ability to perform well or reach their potential. Learning to navigate conditions for success can make all the difference.

English translation of a short talk I delivered at a Prayers for Peace meeting in Germany this week:

What a week. Peter Hegseth, the US Minister of War, declared brazenly that “We negotiate with bombs”, then prayed at the Pentagon for “overwhelming violence of action against those who deserve no mercy” – “in the name of Jesus Christ.” I’m not sure which version of the Bible he is reading but something very seriously seems to have been lost or omitted in translation.

Some Christian friends, Ian and Samantha, used to drive around in the UK in a VW Campervan with a sticker emblazoned across the back window that asked: “Who would Jesus bomb?” It was a satirical question yet begged the more thoughtful response: “Nobody.” Violence and bombing – in Jesus’ name – is a cynical political distortion and a total contradiction in terms.

So, to the real Jesus now. (The one we see portrayed here in the crucifix at the front of this church). This is the Jesus who sacrificed his own life…listen carefully to this…for whom the writer Paul describes in the Bible as “God’s enemies”. We can imagine Hegseth squirming squeamishly at this news: “No! This is all wrong!” Yet Jesus calls us, as disciples, to follow his example.

Jesus spoke very directly about this: “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." It is (paraphrased) in the Lord’s prayer too: “Forgive us when we behave like an enemy, in the same way we forgive others who behave like enemies towards us.” Paul reiterates this ethic when he says: “Do not repay evil for evil.”

I find this really challenging. It recognises there are others we may rightly regard as enemies, and who will regard us as enemies too. The Bible doesn’t shy away from that. Yet it calls us beyond forgiveness – to love. Does that mean to love Putin? To love the Islamist regime in Iran? (To love the warmongering Hegseth too?). It seems to push hard against all sense of justice.

Difficult as it is to say this, I believe Jesus would answer with an unequivocal “Yes.” Love is God’s antidote to hate and the only true means of hope. Whoever we regard to be on “the other side”, on “the wrong side” – we are called to pray for them. Forgiveness and love hold out open hands and open hearts, even when it feels humanly impossible to do so. May God help us do it.

‘A virtuous cycle is a self-reinforcing loop in which a series of positive actions and outcomes continually strengthen each other.’ (Marc Wilson & Donnée MacDougall)

I hardly slept on Saturday night then, yesterday evening, I spent time with friends in Germany. As it got late they offered me a lift in their car back to the apartment where I’m staying and, to their surprise, I declined. ‘Why not?’ they asked. ‘You’re very tired, it’s a 30 minutes’ walk and it’s freezing cold outside.’ ‘It’s OK. I'll walk.’  ‘But why?’, they persisted. ‘Because I don’t feel like walking.’ They looked at me completely puzzled now. Had something got lost in translation?

‘The last thing I feel like doing at the moment, when I’m tired and it’s so cold, is to walk back. Therefore, I’m choosing to walk back.’ It opened a curious discussion about self-discipline as a way to strengthen character, personal agency and resilience. It’s as if each time we make such a decision and act on it, it reinforces or changes something within us. Some philosophers argue that who we are and become is a cumulative consequence of such decisions and actions.

Now don’t get me wrong. Even the best principles can get a bit crazy when pushed to extremes. Yet picture this. A person is feeling lethargic, demotivated, anxious or depressed and says they don’t feel like getting up in the morning; eating or drinking healthily; going outside for exercise, fresh air and open sky; meeting up with other people; doing something (e.g. as a volunteer) that creates a sense of achievement or makes a positive difference for others – so they don’t do it.

The decision and action of not doing it, because in that moment it’s the last thing they feel like doing, actually reinforces their experience of lethargy, demotivation, anxiety or depression. It’s a vicious spiral. The solution, known in psychology as a virtuous cycle, is to do the exact opposite thing – whether we feel like it or not. In the moment, it will feel counterintuitive and we may need support from others to help break an old, fixed pattern and create a sustainable new one.

Yet – time and again, I’ve seen people’s lives turned around.

Do you want to re-create your future? Get in touch!

​‘Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.’ (Dr Seuss)

Looking online this evening, I found myself browsing for the Palestinian Christian hospital where I worked with children and teenagers with disabilities in 1982. Much to my amazement, I found a very old photo of the hospital itself and one of the actual staff team I worked with. Vivid memories immediately came flooding back – the people, the sights, the sounds, the smells.

This was during a previous Israeli invasion of Lebanon and I remember us watching the long column of tanks and other military vehicles rolling over the border on TV. The hospital was near Jerusalem in a small village called Bethany or, in Arabic, al-Azariya (‘the place of Lazarus’). I didn’t realise it back then but it was a significant place for Jesus during his earthly lifetime too.

Looking at the photos, I find myself wondering: what happened to all those people in the picture? The man in the back row in the middle with a moustache was a very serious figure, and my boss. The man in the middle row at the far left, also with a moustache, showed me great kindness – and cried when I left. As war rages on again, I can only fear and hope for them – and pray.

‘Coaching should be a process of inquiry, not a series of questions.’ (Marcia Reynolds)

I’m often stimulated by the great questions, insights and ideas that people bring to coaching training workshops. This week’s advanced-level participants were in Burundi, Pakistan and the UK and mostly in leadership and management roles. Some of the questions they raised were:

1. What if a person wants to talk about pressures or stresses in their life outside of work?
2. What if a person’s description and assessment of their stuck situation is realistic?
3. What if a difficult issue a person talks about triggers your own beliefs, ethics and values?
4. What if a person wants to talk about colleagues for whom you are also responsible?

The first question touches on culture and boundaries since where people draw the boundaries between ‘life’ and ‘work’ may be different in different cultural contexts. Many managers are willing to explore outside-of-work issues insofar as they impact on a person or team in-work.

The second question touches on perception and capability; firstly, the degree to which the way in which a person construes a situation and themself in relation to it corresponds with ‘reality’ and ‘truth’; then how far critical environmental factors are constraining or enabling their progress.

The third question touches on emotional and cultural intelligence; that is, how far the manager is aware of their own emotional triggers and how far they have developed themselves to recognise and address them. It’s useful to work through these things with a trusted supervisor.

The final question touches on relationships and systems; that is, how the manager positions themself in relation to others in a team, and the others in relation to each other, and how they then choose to navigate the cultural and relational boundaries that emerge between them.

Do you want to develop your coaching skills as a manager? Get in touch!

‘Democracies have no obligation to facilitate their own demise. Fascists can only succeed in conditions of excessive democratic tolerance.’ (Karl Loewenstein)

As a teenage anti-Nazi activist in the UK, I can remember arguing vociferously that hard right parties like the British National Party and National Front should be banned. A wise older person disagreed with me, suggesting that banning parties simply drives them underground, out of view, and that makes them even more dangerous. He had a point. It’s a tough dilemma for democratic societies – one we face again now when UK society, like others throughout the West, is increasingly polarised between hard right nationalists, hard left progressives and ethnic sectarianism. The centre ground is losing ground and grasping weakly at paper straws to survive.

The UK government has tried various tactics to address this, at times mimicking the hard right to appeal to voters on that front, then swinging towards the hard left in an attempt to appease voters heading in that direction. It looks chaotic, often driven more by pragmatic expediency than vision and values and, paradoxically, adds to the attraction of the extremes who appear far clearer, more principled and more decisive. The government also tried silencing free speech via police Non-Crime Hate Incident recording then, after widespread public backlash, repackaged elements in a counterproductive ‘Anti-Muslim Hostility’ definition that even Muslim leaders opposed.

This level of instability and uncertainty, with its associated anxieties and risks, is driving some of those balancing precariously on the residual centre ground to argue that urgent and muscular action is needed to defend democracy itself (see, for instance, Paul Mason: Britain Needs Militant Democracy). I see profound resonances here in Germany (where I’m writing at the moment) with its dark history of fascism, where the Nazi party seized power by manipulating the liberal-democratic process to its own advantage – then subsequently dismantled it. German democrats are wringing their hands helplessly as they watch the rise of the Alternative für Deutschland (AfD).

The hard left here argues that, if Germans had been more forceful (using violence, if necessary) to crush the Nazi party before it got into power, Germany and the wider world would have been spared the unspeakable horrors of the Third Reich. It’s a compelling argument until we question, along with Mahatma Gandhi, whether using violent means to achieve a non-violent end is ethically defensible and effective practically. Martin Luther King cautions that ‘The ends cannot be used to justify the means because the ends are pre-existent in the means’. I pray for wisdom and courage in the face of such challenges. Democracy itself hangs in the balance.