NICK WRIGHT
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Speaking the here and now

8/6/2012

28 Comments

 
​‘Could you be more direct?’ I took part in a 2-day workshop recently, a Gestalt approach to conflict, challenge and confrontation in groups. There were 12 in the group, mostly therapists of one kind or another, and we started by introducing ourselves in 2s. ‘This is my life’ in 5 minutes. Next, after each had spoken, we commented on what we had noticed. ‘We’re the same in that…’ and ‘We’re different in that…’ It drew our attention to what we notice in first encounters and how we tend to deal with sameness and difference in groups.

There’s something about sameness that can provide a sense of comfort, of security, of being part of something bigger than ourselves. When we feel insecure, we may seek out points of sameness in order to build rapport,  establish connection and thereby reduce our anxiety. Safety in numbers. In this  context, difference can feel distancing, even threatening. If we continue to  focus on sameness, an awareness of group identity emerges, a feeling of belonging, a sense of differentiation between the ‘us’ and the ‘not us’.

This is an important principle in group and inter-group dynamics. The inclusive dynamic that creates a sense of group within a group is the same dynamic that can exclude others. If we focus exclusively on sameness within our group and on difference between our own group and other perceived groups, we create boundaries between us. If difference emerges within our group, we may ignore or resist it because it doesn’t fit the group norm, the norm we have subscribed to in order to feel secure. This can lead to collusion and group think.

A way to break through unhelpful group and inter-group barriers is to acknowledge what the group provides for us, its functional value at a social psychological level, and yet also to draw our attention to the differences between us within the group and the similarities between us (or at least some of us) and those (or at least some of those) in other groups. This has the effect of raising fresh awareness, reconfiguring group identities, enabling us to see different patterns of sameness and difference and thereby fresh possibilities.

A later activity in this workshop was to practice immediacy. We split into two groups. One group sat in a circle in the middle of the room, the others around the outside observing those in the inside circle. The inside group was invited and encouraged to practise speaking very honestly, clearly and directly with one another. The conversation started.‘I would like to facilitate the group.’ ‘I’m happy for you to facilitate.’ ‘I feel anxious.’ ‘What do you feel anxious about?’ ‘I feel anxious in case those on the outside judge my performance.’ 

It continued. ‘If I lose interest, I will check out.’ ‘What will checking out look like, what will we see?’ ‘I will gaze out of the window’.‘What do you want us to do if we see you gazing out of the window?’ ‘Call it.’ ‘I don’t know what you are thinking or feeling and I want to know.’ ‘Why is that so important to you?’ ‘Because I don’t feel a connection with you, I feel distant from you.’ Our task was to focus on what was happening within and between us here and now and to articulate it openly and courageously, even if it risked evoking conflict.

Asking, ‘What is happening here and now?’ is such a powerful question. It draws attention of a group away from a topic, issue or abstraction into the immediate moment. ‘I’m thinking…’, ‘I’m feeling…’. The impact in the workshop group felt both profound and electric. To ask, ‘What is going on for me now?’ is a great way of establishing contact with myself. To articulate what I am thinking and feeling in a group or to hear others do the same invites others to be open too and, thereby, builds the quality of relational contact within the group. 

This can prove tricky cross-culturally, especially where it could be considered inappropriate, disrespectful or even offensive to speak out in a group. In other situations, it may simply feel too risky to acknowledge openly what I’m thinking or feeling. The challenge in this workshop was to experiment with being more open, less constrained, than we would normally behave. ‘If I asked you on a scale of 10 how honest and up-front you are in groups, what would you say? What would really happen if you were to ratchet it up a notch?’
28 Comments
Bob Larcher
8/6/2012 03:40:50 pm

I remember participating in a workshop at the Grubb Institute some 25 years ago; very similar approach and very enlightening!

My personal approach when running seminars, workshops courses, etc. is "here and now learning for there and then application". Being anchored in what is really happening "here & now" rather than simply focussing on "where we are in the programme" is extremely rewarding - and very hard work!

Reply
Nick Wright
8/6/2012 03:44:53 pm

Hi Bob and thanks for the note. I remember the Grubb Institute too. I think they are/were quite influenced by the Tavistock Institute? I like your expression, 'here and now learning for there and then application'.

I also empathise and identify with your comment about hard work. It's one reason why I tend to prefer to cofacilitate - one person facilitates the group while the other pays attention to here and now group dynamics.

With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Bob Larcher
12/6/2012 01:47:18 pm

Yes, very similar approach, very T-group orientated - it was a very interesting experience and even though it was about 25 years ago I can remember virtually everything we did.

I am having one of those rare occasions here in France where I get the chance to co-facilitate with a colleague - two back-to-back 2-day conflict management workshops.

Debra Parker
10/6/2012 01:48:20 am

Nick thanks for sharing this, I start a series of national management workshops in a week and I have been searching for the right activities to get the managers interacting, learning from each other and self reflecting, I am going to try these.

Reply
Nick Wright
10/6/2012 02:17:24 am

Hi Debra and thanks for the note. I would be interested to hear more about your national management workshop series.

The first thought that comes to mind is that the activities I described above require a level of trust in each other (and in the facilitator) and, if they work well, build trust between each other. I don't know what the relationships are like between the managers you are working with but it could be worth opening with something like, 'When are we at our best?', 'What kind of management culture do we aspire to?' or 'What ways of relating to one-another will help us be our best?' This could create a platform to introduce the Gestalt activities from and an explanation of why you are doing them.

The second thought that comes to mind is whether you have considered using action learning methods during the workshops? I sometimes use a 'speed action learning' technique that's fun, practical and energetic. In small groups (4-5 people), one person ('A') volunteers to share a current management issue he or she is grappling with; the other people ('Bs') are to act as consultants to 'A'. The facilitator ('C') acts as process guide and strict timekeeper.

'A' shares the issue for 2 mins. Stop. 'Bs' each write down on a post-it note a question in no more than 12 words, aimed at helping 'A' move forward in thinking through and resolving the issue. They have no more than 90 seconds to do it. When they have written a question, they hand it to 'A'. 'A' has 30 seconds to read and think about the questions before speaking for another 2 mins ('A' can respond to the questions, or ignore them if he/she wants to).

Repeat this process. When A has spoken 3 times for 2 mins, instead of posing further questions, 'Bs' write down a statement of guidance or advice in no more than 12 words and hand it to 'A'. Again, 90 seconds to do it. 'A' has 30 seconds to read the advice. Close the session by inviting feedback on (a) what specifically 'A' found helpful; (b) what 'Bs' learned, including about themselves and (c) what would improve the process next time round.

In traditional action learning, participants would have far longer timescales and wouldn't offer advice. This 'speed' version can be very energising, however, and participants are usually surpised at how much value can be achieved even when pitched against the clock. Those in 'A' roles take away valuable questions and advice from peers to weigh up and act on (if appropriate); those in 'B' roles learn how to use coaching and consulting skills to benefit others.

Hope this helps? With best wishes and let us know how your series goes. Nick

Reply
Baiju V Pandit
10/6/2012 12:10:09 pm

Hello Nick, Another interesting & thoughtful discussion. Even since our 150K yrs of our evolution, we are an animal species at the core. One of the fundamentals of any Group/ Team applicable here is to establish to Agree to Disagree as a must principle to follow, which is the opposite of Gestalt, and then allow the various degrees of Arguments & Debates. What this does is that it brings out our subconscious thoughts/feelings in the front, making us realize how ugly we can be, even before we start, in front of everyone in the Group/Team. This way we are bringing out all the possibilities, good, bad & ugly ones that may occur during the interactions & be prepared to avoid it, not indirectly or in silence but by voicing it out, which again greatly reduces the possibility of an ugly confrontation/conflict(it can only continue if one wants it) w/the ground rule being Agree to Disagree & that's where it stops & is over forever. Crossing that fine line in any way, shape or form, either directly, indirectly,remotely or in subtle manner whatsoever is crossing Civility, meaning going back mmm...a few thousand yrs. & in which case the situation demands for that one to be not a part of that Group/Team anymore. We must always remember that the only quality that differentiates us as a Human from the rest of the 330M species on earth, is our ability to Speak. No other species can. Speech allows us to express ourselves and the more developed our syntax, the more we are good at speech & which means we are good at refining our thoughts & synchronizing our Brain with our Mind which controls our emotions. The Brain processes, the Mind decides & the Speech/Writing disposes. All here & now.
Best Regards.

Reply
Nick Wright
10/6/2012 12:16:06 pm

Thanks for the encouragement and thought-provoking comments, Baiju. You reminded me of a principle I sometimes use when working with teams. 'Since we will disagree and come into conflict from time to time, let's discuss and agree in advance how we will deal with it when it does happen.'

It's often difficult to deal with conflict when it breaks out, especially if it is heated or unexpected, and so agreeing in advance what to do when it does happen can help. This approach can help to reduce team anxiety about conflict and provide the team with opportunity to explore how to deal with it constructively.

With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Lani Refiti link
18/6/2012 01:36:56 am

Fantastic and thought provoking post Nick, thanks again. I had an experience last month in a Gestalt group process where we split into triads and then had 5 mins to check in without words. Very challenging not only from a communicative perspective but also intimacy. Made me realise we as a society sometimes use 'words' as a barrier to intimacy. Without words all you have is you and the other.

Reply
Nick Wright
18/6/2012 06:19:29 pm

Hi Lani and thanks for the encouraging feedback. I love the idea of a 5 mins check in without words and I find the link you make with intimacy very interesting. It reminded me of some work I did in Germany which involved observing and taking part in counselling sessions where I could only understand about 30% of what was being spoken.

My supervisor commented afterwards on how surprised he was at how much I had understood. I became aware of issues and dynamics during the sessions that I may not have been aware of if I had been relying on words. One person commented afterwards, 'it's as if language can block communication.' Very thought provoking. With best wishes. Nick

Reply
John Blakey
18/6/2012 06:15:42 pm

Hi Nick - I found it interesting to read your blog and it made me realise that there is probably more of an influence from my own gestalt training on my coaching style than I give it credit for. The question you highlight ‘What is going on for me now?’ is at the core of being able to adopt a more challenging coaching stance - to 'speak your truth and face the facts'. It reminds me also that this question is about an honest curiosity and sharing which often serves to liberate a group or an individual when they may have spent a lot of time wrapped up in collusion, denial and excessive politeness. A particularly 'English' challenge in my experience.

Reply
Nick Wright
18/6/2012 06:31:00 pm

Hi John and thanks for the note. I find your final comments particularly intriguing and challenging. How to work with an individual or group (whose entrenched pattern of behaviour is collusive, denying or excessively polite) towards a more open and honest way of being and doing.

It seems to me that there would need to be a level of awareness and motivation to change within the individual or group, perhaps as a result of discomfort or dissatisfaction with the current state, or recognition of the value and benefits of achieving and sustaining change to a different state.

I would be very interested to hear of any experiences you have of helping an individual or group make such a shift. What was the situation? What did you do? What were the consequences? With best wishes. Nick

Reply
John Blakey
19/6/2012 09:06:12 am

Yes, a level of awareness and a motivation to change BUT this can arise from any stakeholder in the system, anyone who decides that now is the time to move towards a greater sense of fulfilment or away from a sense of pain. You could say we are experiencing such a shift in Europe on a collective scale right now. On Thursday I am facilitating a session with a leadership team on this theme. It is following a merger, there is an ambitious strategy and tension in the system that reveals the possibility of change. My role is that of a catalyst revealing what is lying under the surface that has not yet come into awareness within the system itself. The key skill is to speak my truth. The deeper I express my truth the greater into the future I will be anticipating consequences. Then people have to decide whether they are willing to take responsibility for the consequences they see but at least now they have a conscious choice rather than an unconscious habit. It can be felt in the room and it can be expressed. I am not sure what the consequences will be but normally it will be experienced as a 'waking up' because that is what it is. For sure when it is over it will have taken a lot out of me and I will sleep well. :)

Reply
Nick Wright
19/6/2012 09:22:28 am

Hi John and thanks for the further thoughts on this topic. I would be interested to hear how things go on Thursday and I can certainly identify with your final comment, 'when it is over, it will have taken a lot out of me and I will sleep well.' I've had those experiences too, especially when groups struggle to own or handle their own dynamics or project them onto the facilitator.

I liked your comment, 'the key skill is to speak my truth'. Could you say a little more about what you mean by it and what it could look like in practice? Does it mean, for instance, saying how you see it from your perspective?

I've been doing some work with a leadership team based on Adam Kahane's 'Solving Tough Problems'. It involves, at heart, learning to speak up and to listen. Everyone involved is encouraged and challenged to say what they are really thinking and feeling and to take disciplined steps to really hear each other. It sounds simple but the impact in the team has been transformational.

With best wishes. Nick

Reply
John Blakey
23/6/2012 10:18:25 pm

Hi Nick, here is my blog post reflecting on the Thursday session which I hope answers your questions - http://challengingcoaching.co.uk/feedback-is-the-breakfast-of-champions/ I am a great admirer of Adam Kahane's work and think it might be time to re-read his book.

Lynda Tongue link
19/6/2012 10:57:44 am

Hi there, I have been following this thread with great interest. I am a Transacational Analyst and I teach the tools of Transactional Analysis (TA) in organisations to leaders at all levels, specialists, HR professionals and also to trainers and coaches.

In TA the "unconsicous habits" John refers to is termed our script - the decisions we made when we were young because they made a kind of sense to us then. However, as "unconscious habits" we continue to behave in line with those decisions long after we have grown up. When we are in our script, we are not in the "here and now". We are dancing to an out-of-date tune and not being our autonomous selves.

When I work with leaders, often my contract includes naming the ulteriors (the "stuff" that lies beneath, which is getting in the way of clear communication). Just exactly what you describe John. TA has many tools for identifying how individuals can "sleep walk" through life - and some more positive alternatives!

Nick, for me "speaking my truth" is exactly what you describe in your work with leaders on "Solving Tough Problems" - the courage to be authentic, to voice how I feel, what I am thinking and to afford the same to others. I agree with you that when we work with others at this level, the impact on the team is transformational - and extremely satisfying!

Warmest wishes,
Lynda

Reply
Nick Wright
19/6/2012 11:40:29 am

Hi Lynda and thanks for such thoughtful comments. John's thoughts on 'unconscious habits' and your link with TA and scripts remind me of another short piece I posted recently called, 'What's your story?': http://www.nick-wright.com/1/post/2011/12/whats-your-story.html. As a transactional analyst, I would be interested to hear what you think! With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Arnold Timmerman
19/6/2012 08:37:19 pm

When our awareness is being drawn to the here & now, all ideas about insecurity or security, us and them etc. disappear like snow melting in the sunshine. This moment on this millimeter is where true inspiration and creation is born. This is not a soft or spiritual topic, by the way. This is the core of all my business coaching, consulting and training because it increases productivity, efficiency and creativity and decreases disengagement, conflict & absenteeism. A few weeks ago one of my clients, an international CEO said: 'This is so simple and effective, it's scary!' :-)
Thanks Nick, for bringing this awareness alive on this platform!

Reply
Nick Wright
19/6/2012 08:39:31 pm

Hi Arnold and thanks for the comments. I would love to hear more about what you did with the CEO client that resulted in such a positive experience. Would you be happy to share some examples from your practice? With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Arnold Timmerman
11/7/2012 04:49:14 am

Hi Nick. It's a bit challenging to summarize what I have DONE specifically with the CEO :-) It was more about BEING available and present to all of his communication...
- to expose all the available authentic qualities in him
- to expose any hidden blocks to a fully authentic expression at any given time (regardless of what the board of directors, shareholders, employees etc. might think)
- to give space to a sheer passion-driven choice-making (regardless of what the board of directors, shareholders, employees etc. might think)
- to let him uncover the non-personal essence of any leadership dynamics
- to allow him to recognize the unsustainable systems of (vertical) control and responsibility
- to create enough trust to replace should/have and to-do lists by letting himself be guided by the needs of the moment
He has found it very efficient and productive - both individually and organisationally.
In other organisations I have been working along the same lines by facilitating individual and group dynamics in a Gestalt-way.
So far I have loved bridging the gap between what used to be two very separate worlds - therapy and business. The results are undeniable.
The road is quite an unpaved one, and I like it! :-)

Helen Askey
23/6/2012 10:29:16 pm


Hello Guys, it is good to know John B and you and to read your dialogue. Speaking my truth resonates with me, this week when coaching a client I spoke the truth of I see you showing emotion and sadness around this topic, and that truth certainly moved forward the conversation. I am pondering a Gestalt coaching programme for my development for 2013, and thank you, your conversation has encouraged me to book this.
Nancy Kline's time to think would also seem to resonate here,
best wishes, Helen

Reply
Nick Wright
23/6/2012 10:36:19 pm

Hi Helen and thanks for the note. The coaching example you mention certainly resonates with a Gestalt approach of stating what you notice or 'saying what you see'. I would be interested to hear what Gestalt coaching programme you choose to do. I could recommend having a conversation with Geoff Pelham who runs PB Coaching's postgrad diploma in coaching psychology. The course has a Gestalt orientation although covers a range of other schools too. I've glanced at Nancy Kline's book too. With best wishes. Nick

Reply
John Blakey
26/6/2012 08:02:39 am

Hi Helen - The coach training I have done at the Academy of Executive Coaching (AoEC) gave me a very good grounding in Gestalt approaches and techniques. The heritage of the AoEC is in gestalt counselling so it is a theme that tends to run through all their training including the specific gestalt coaching diploma - http://www.aoec.com/Individuals/Workshops/GestaltCoachingDiploma

Reply
Helen Askey
27/6/2012 03:05:07 am

Hi John, funnily enough that is the course I have selected for next year!
Best wishes, hope we can meet soon, Helen

Kathleen M Vaughan
25/6/2012 02:24:22 am

Nick, can you inbox me the name of the provider of the workshop?

Reply
Nick Wright
25/6/2012 02:25:09 am

Hi Kathleen. Here's a link to the workshop I attended, called Conflict, Challenge & Confrontation in Groups: http://www.gestaltcentre.co.uk/index.php?page=conflict-challenge-confrontation-in-groups. With best wishes. Nick

Reply
TOEFL Training link
7/5/2014 12:17:56 am

good posts

Reply
Best TOEFL Institutes link
4/6/2014 04:14:38 am

It has trainers specially trained, some by The British Council, on various aspects of English training.

Reply
TOEFL: For Academic Institutions link
6/6/2014 04:11:27 am

nice posts

Reply



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    ​I'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? ​Get in touch!

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