 ‘Lord, heal me of this malady of lust…but not yet.’ (Saint Augustine) The Stanford Marshmallow Test was a famous experiment to help understand people’s ability to hold out against temptation. In its original form, it was particularly interested in the notion of delayed gratification and its impacts. For instance, if a person were able effectively to resist short term gratification in pursuit of a longer-term goal, would that improve their chances of success in life? The outcomes are still being studied today. The initial results appeared to show that, yes, a person’s ability to exercise self-control had a correspondingly positive effect in life as a whole. If, for instance, I were able to avoid spending money on trivial items in order to save up for something that’s more important to me, I’m more likely to achieve that goal. I can see it in my own life. I worked hard and saved every penny to buy a motorcycle for my 16th birthday – and I achieved it. In later years, further refined versions of the same Test showed that people are more likely to be disciplined in exercising self-control if (a) they engage with positive distractions from the immediate sources of temptation and (b) they believe their longer-term goal has a realistic chance of success. The latter is particularly significant because it points beyond individual self-control to the critical influence of a wider enabling environment. So, if I have a compelling goal, a hope, an aspiration in mind and believe that, if I am willing to hold out and stay focused on it and do whatever it takes (within my means and, for me, with the help of God) to achieve it, I am more likely to achieve it. If for whatever reason, however, I believe my circumstances dictate that I have little realistic prospect of achieving it, my ability to persist in the face of temptation will be far more difficult. In view of this, in relation to personal agency, ‘The opportunity to make effective personal choices is highly unequal.’ (Robert A. Dahl). If a person is struggling with self-control, it could be they lack sufficiently-motivating vision or values that would make the effort of self-control worthwhile; they don't have effective life distractions or networks of support; or they just can’t believe (perhaps justifiably) their goal is genuinely possible. Are you struggling to achieve your goals? Curious to discover how I can help you? Get in touch!
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 ‘The longest journey you will ever take is from your head to your heart.’ (Thich Nhat Hanh) I was co-training a group of managers this week in practical coaching techniques. The workshop included skills practice where one participant would coach another with a third acting as observer, followed by a review of discoveries. One of the things we reflected on was the power of reframing a question from, say, ‘Where are you at in your thinking now?’ to ‘What’s your gut feeling?’; or ‘How realistic do you think that is?’ to ‘How realistic does that feel?’ This kind of framing invites a person to pay attention to their intuition and emotion as potential sources of awareness and energy. It taps into something deep, beyond rationality, and can help make the shift from thinking about an issue or a solution to exercising agency in relation to that issue or solution. Tony Stoltzfus draws on this principle in ending coaching conversations: ‘What could you do?’ ‘Is that a step you want to take?’ ‘Hand on heart, what will you do?’  ‘Voting is irrational. Emotions always win.’ (Eyal Winter) Yesterday, I had a conversation with Alicia, a young German student with an interest in psychology. We reflected on current world events, including the resurgence of Donald Trump in the U.S. and the unfolding German election results. One question puzzled us: Why do so many people support political leaders and parties whose policies and behaviour seem irrational? Take Trump, for example. His use of ‘alternative facts’ doesn’t seem to shake his supporters' confidence. Similarly, politicians on the far left or right offer simplistic solutions to complex problems, yet their followers remain unwavering. Meanwhile, centrist politicians who present nuanced arguments in measured tones often struggle to gain traction. Instead of persuading people, they are met with boredom or disdain. Why is that? Here’s a thought: Many people today feel hopeless when they look at the state of the world and the challenges in their own lives too. Traditional politicians speak to the mind with carefully-crafted words, yet those who feel lost or frustrated are voting from the heart. Perhaps it’s not about what populist leaders think or say. It’s about how they make people feel.  ‘Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.’ (Jim Ryuh) I was surprisingly relieved to get a not-entirely surprising blood test result last year. It revealed that I was ‘prediabetic’ – that is, not actually diabetic, but heading in that direction. Relieved because it confirmed what I had already been wondering; relieved that I hadn’t (yet) crossed the diabetic threshold; and relieved because I knew it would take stark news like that to shake me up enough to break a habit. In the 6 months or so leading up to the test, I was increasingly aware of eating too many sweet foods – I mean, who can turn down a slice of chocolate cake from the fridge – but I wasn’t really doing anything to change it. A good friend was on a public health prediabetes programme and they inspired me to join a similar course. The next day, electronic weigh scales and a cookbook were delivered to my door. I discovered through guided self-examination that I was eating too many foods with added sugar; too many carbohydrates that have a similar effect in the blood; too much fruit all at the same time; not enough protein; and not enough green stuff. Oh, and not enough full-fat Greek yoghurt (weird!). I wasn’t doing enough physical exercise and my sleep patterns were chaotic at best. Apart from that… So, knowing that I’m not great at doing anything in moderation, I made immediate and radical changes to my diet; started a regular routine of speed-walking using a simple tracking app; and made some – but not yet enough – changes to my sleep routine. With the support of a motivating weekly online weigh-in, I lost 6.5kg in 2 months – something I’d wanted to do for many years but had never quite managed it. I’ve noticed again through this experience how psychological factors make such a difference and, therefore, how self-awareness is so important. For instance, I know that I find focus on goals and rewards (e.g. weight loss) helpful, to sustain a reason for persisting with a new habit when I’m tempted to compromise; I know I’m better at doing something wholeheartedly (some would say extreme) than in balance, so it made sense to replace all the food in my cupboards and fridge, rather than tell myself I could eat sweet stuff occasionally; I know that, when I slip up from time to time, I have to avoid falling into an ‘all is lost’ self-narrative, because that would provide me with a perfect (and pathetic) excuse to give up. So, that’s me. When have you broken an old habit and formed a new one? How did you do it?  ‘Hope reflects a psychological state in which we perceive the way-power and the willpower to get to our destination.’ (Charles Snyder) I’ve spent much of the past 18 years working with leaders in beyond-profit organisations, enabling them to lead and influence transitions in the midst of dynamically-complex change. This often involves helping them to develop the qualities and relationships they need to support themselves and others to survive, thrive and perform well in the face of an uncertain and, at times, anxiety-provoking future. A recurring challenge that such leaders encounter is how to instil and sustain hope within themselves as well as within and between others. Putting on a brave face my inspire confidence in the short-term but can feel inauthentic if their foundations are wobbling – and authenticity is a critical condition for building and sustaining trust. New leadership calls for resilience, resourcefulness and faith. Hope Theory offers some useful insights and ideas here. If we (a) have a desired future in mind (vision), (b) can see a way by which it can be achieved (way-power) and (c) are motivated to take action to do it (willpower), we are more likely to experience genuine hope. It’s very different to abstract idealism or naïve optimism, which may engender a good feeling but lack any grounding in reality. Yet what to do if someone is stuck: devoid of vision, unable to see a way forward or lacking in any sense of agency to do anything about it? This is where co-active leadership, coaching and action learning can really help; offering practical means by which people and groups can discover or create fresh goals, find or devise innovative solutions, and gain the traction they need to move things forward. Do you need help with hope? Get in touch!  ‘The art of teaching is the art of assisting discovery.’ (Mark Van Doren) This looks and feels so very different to my own school days. It has been fascinating to explore the spirit and approach to working with students at a Montessori school in Germany over the past few weeks. Laura, an English language teacher from Romania, sets out a creative range of different activities in a classroom. The children look around and choose whichever activity appeals most to them. Every activity involves doing something physical, not just thinking. I’m struck by how the teacher chooses to offer only minimal explanation. Each student works at their own level and pace and problem-solves for themselves, or with others, if they get stuck. The teacher is available – if needed. Kathrin, a maths teacher, invites the students to sit in a circle and introduces me, briefly. She invites the students to practise English by asking me questions directly, questions to which the answer must be a number. They ask, ‘How tall are you?’, ‘How much do you weigh?’, ‘What’s your shoe size?’, ‘What did your trainers cost?’ etc. We notice that the measures I use in the UK are different to those they use in Germany. This sparks curiosity and the students work out how to convert the numbers I give them into those that are meaningful for them. The teacher writes each number on a large sheet of paper, then uses those numbers as the basis for introducing a maths method for that day. Melina, also an English language teacher, from Mexico, works with those students who find learning difficult. She uses a creative range of short, energetic, and fast-paced techniques that capture and hold their attention. Again, I’m struck by the use of physicality in the activities she facilitates. She adopts an evocative elicitation-based stance, stimulating the students to lead the activities, to play an active role and to work out the answers for themselves. (I noticed my own temptation to step in if they got stuck and, paradoxically, how often they didn’t need my help – if I simply allowed them time and space to resolve their own challenges). I'm a student among students and I feel inspired. It’s a simple tool I may use with people who feel stuck or who are struggling to gain traction with an issue. Imagine a person is facing a dilemma: they want to have more disposable income at the end of each month, but can’t work out how to achieve it. They face 3 principal options: to increase their income; to reduce their expenditure; or both. Or a person wants to lose weight and they, too, have 3 principal options, to: increase their physical exercise; to reduce their calorific intake; or both. A basic 4x4 grid can come in useful here. I may take a piece of paper or, if working online, open a whiteboard on screen that the other person can also see and write onto. On one axis, I will draw a polarity: ‘Willing to do’…’Not willing to do.’ On the intersecting axis: ‘Can do’…’Can’t do.’ It creates 4 possibilities: Willing to do and can do; Willing to do but can’t do; Can do but not willing to do; Can’t do and not willing to do. It also forms a visual graphic that segments different dimensions of experience. Now, in relation to each of the options (for instance: vis a vis income and expenditure; or exercise and dieting - above), I will ask the person to jot down their own responses in each quadrant. I will then invite them to reflect critically on what they have posted there: for example, What do they notice? How honest are they being with themselves? What presuppositions might they be holding? Who or what could be influencing what they have written in each area? Who or what could make a shift? More often than not, a person discovers they are indeed making assumptions that are limiting their horizons and actions; or that they are unwilling, for whatever reason, to do whatever it would take to achieve their goals. The first area can touch on blind spots (things they don’t see); the second on hot spots (things they don’t find easy to talk about). It may take considerable courage to admit to oneself that, for instance, ‘I’m not willing to put my money where my mouth is, or to take a risk.’ Spiritual-existential and psychological coaching can often prove helpful here, in that they enable a person to explore their underlying beliefs, values and motivations and what they or others may be doing subconsciously to sabotage themselves and their success. It creates a safe, supportive and challenging space and relationship in which to stand back, reflect, evaluate and re-engage from a more authentic stance. What do you desire most in life or work? Are you willing and able, or not? (See also: Grit and Get a grip) In its now-classic album, Hemispheres, Canadian rock band, Rush, sing a dramatic story of a cosmic struggle between competing gods of love and reason; each determined to rule humanity on its own terms. It’s a creative mythological account of the very real dilemmas and tensions we face and experience in human decision-making of head vs heart. (If interested in a faith dimension, we can see this polarity resolved in Jesus, described in the Bible as ‘full of grace and truth’, and in his call to be ‘wise as serpents and tame as doves’). Yet, how hard it is to do this in practice. It becomes more complex if we get caught up in emotional reasoning: ‘…the condition of being so strongly influenced by our emotions that we assume that they indicate objective truth. Whatever we feel is true, without any conditions and without any need for supporting facts or evidence’ (Therapy Now, 2021). It’s a blurring of heart and head so that the former appears to us, as if self-evidently, the latter. Betts and Collier, in their thoughtful review of refugee policy (Refuge, 2017) liken this to a ‘headless heart’; a decision driven by emotional response without due regard for consequences. A person may hold the opposite extreme, the ‘heartless head’, where he or she believes every decision must be informed or supported by rational thinking or objective evidence - and emotion or intuition are disregarded as irrelevant or unsound. We see this in cultural environments where, as Eugene Sadler-Smith observes, leaders feel compelled to post-rationalise intuitive decisions in order to make them more acceptable to colleagues (Inside Intuition, 2007). It’s a stance that risks dismissing beliefs, values and other dimensions of sense-making, motivation and experience. John Kotter brings words of wisdom here (Leading Change, 2012): to pay attention to our own default biases and to take account of those of others too, if we’re seeking to influence change. On presenting vision, he offers a helpful rule of thumb, ‘convincing to the mind and compelling to the heart’. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) provides useful insight into different preferences that influence decision-making too. Rush’s epic song ends with its own solution: ‘Let the truth of Love be lighted, let the love of Truth shine clear…with Heart and Mind united in a single perfect sphere.’ ‘Just take the first step.’ (Martin Luther King) I was intrigued by a colleague who had cycled recently from Land’s End to John O’Groats, a gruelling distance from one tip of the UK to the other covering some 1000 miles (1600km). When I asked what he had learned about what it takes to achieve such a great feat, he responded with a wry grin, ‘Just keep pedalling.’ I smiled at his brilliance. All other considerations of fitness, equipment and logistics apart, he had captured the essence of the task – and the hard key to its success – in a nutshell. This was a classic case of simple but not easy. When faced with some of life’s most difficult challenges – which could equally be, say, a broken relationship or an unfulfilled aspiration – the solution can stare us in the face yet feel agonisingly beyond our grasp. We may overcomplicate things, become gripped by paralysis-of-analysis or fear, lack the focus or determination to do what it takes, or create all kinds of self-defeating reasons to justify our inaction. Nike’s advice: Just do it! Do you feel stuck? Curious to discover how I can help? Get in touch! ‘The mind is a fire to be kindled, not a vessel to be filled.’ (Plutarch) Curiosity killed the cat. True? The allegations were never proved. As far as I’m concerned, curiosity is innocent and the accusations were fake news. My 5 year old daughter asks me, ‘Dad, why is it cold downstairs but hot upstairs?’ ‘Because warm air rises’ I reply, gesturing a floating-upwards movement with my hands. ‘But why does it rise?’ Now that’s curiosity. Posing a question beyond the question; being not-satisfied to accept things at face value. Curiosity is a pre-requisite for learning, discovery and change. It’s a psychological state and a metaphysical stance. It means I am open; willing to engage actively in a spirit of invitation and inquiry. It means I am seeking; I want to know and, as such, I’m excited by fresh insights, ideas or challenges to what I think I already know and understand. As such, it’s a healthy and courageous antidote to the fight-flight-freeze response of defensive anxiety. What does curiosity entail in practice? How can we do it? 1. Suspend our already-knowing; hold it lightly, as-if possibility. 2. Expose ourselves to new and diverse people, cultures and experiences. 3. Listen and hear, especially for useful dissonance with our own assumptions and beliefs. 4. Be courageous in seeking critique and in responding graciously, with humility. 5. Inspire colleagues and clients to practise it too. Can I help you develop greater curiosity in your work? Get in touch! |
Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! 
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