Voices inside our heads

15/2/2015

I woke up this morning with a sense of excitement, threw back the curtains and…oh no. It was foggy and grey. The weather app had predicted sunshine and the heavy mist dampened my spirits as well as the ground. I was looking forward to a ride out on the bike under blue skies and bright sunlight. Now I would need to dress for the wet and return my cool cycling shades to the shelf.

Immediately, the voices started in my head. Not literal voices, but speaking powerfully to me all the same. ‘Take the day off.’ ‘You don’t want to go out in this weather.’ ‘The bike will get covered in salt and you’ll need to wash it when you get back.’ ‘My knees are aching anyway so best to give it a miss.’ ‘Wait until another day when the weather is better.’ ‘Go back to bed!’

It was as if everything inside me was subtly yet fiercely resisting what I really wanted to do. My creative mind was generating a whole host of rationalisations to convince me of a different course of action and, what is more, to persuade me it would be the right or best thing to do. Yet deep inside, somewhere, I wanted to go out on the bike and knew I would feel much better if I did.

There are parallels in my Christian experience where one part of me wants to live in relationship with God and yet another part struggles actively against it. (If you’re interested in this dimension, have a look at Romans 7 and 8 in the Bible). Projected across a lifetime, this struggle can be exhausting and calls me to something, someone, beyond myself to grow and know peace.

On the whole, it’s as if there are competing beliefs, values, motivations or dynamics within us that struggle for prominence, analogous to Freud’s struggle between the superego and the id. Willpower alone is insufficient to win the battle, although in some situations it works. Often, I’ve found I just need to ignore the voices of dissent: get the bike out or drive to the swimming pool.

Motivation theories suggest different factors that motivate us. Sometimes, it’s about moving towards something, e.g. ‘If I save hard enough, I will be able to buy that shiny new bike.’ Sometimes it’s moving away from something: ‘If I get this new job, I will be able to leave this terrible neighbourhood.’ Sometimes it’s about doing one thing to avoid having to do something else.

As leaders and mentors, we’re often engaged in helping people grow in awareness of subconscious motivations, or motivating them to move in a different direction or towards a more healthy and sustainable goal. It’s one reason why understanding motivations is important in leading change. The closer changes align with people’s motivations, the greater chance of success.

We get stuck when competing motivations leave us feeling paralysed, like the proverbial donkey that stands between equidistant piles of hay and dies of starvation because it can’t decide which pile to go for. We weigh up pros and cons and yet they still hang annoyingly in the balance. ‘Should I tell people in advance about possible changes or wait until the changes are finalised?’

I believe this is where skilful coaching can really help, e.g. by enabling a person to understand ‘what lies beneath’, identify wider systemic influences, paint a picture of a different desired future, release fresh possibilities for lifestyle and action. As for me, enough of writing this blog. It’s time to get the lycra shorts and t-shirt on and to head for the open road! :)

21 Comments

Eugene Fernandez link

15/2/2015 12:51:17 pm

Nick a relevant topic in my case, as I vaguely recognise the subtle and clever steering of the unconscious in its quest to keep me encased within the boundaries of the known. Much like staying within the warmth and comfort of the womb. Recognising this tension within oneself as you demonstrate in your article is the first step in helping others. Many of the Leadership programs that I co-design with clients, which includes AR/AL and blended learning processes, intentionally look at behavioural and systemic change within a long time horizon. My belief is that we need to understand and come to terms with the nature of resistance to make friends with and to overcome it. This then enables us to embrace new horizons.

Nick Wright

15/2/2015 02:07:43 pm

Hi Eugene and thanks for such thoughtful reflections. Resistance and how to deal with it is a fascinating topic for me. Do you have any examples from your action research/action learning practice that you would be willing to share? I'd be interested to hear more. With best wishes. Nick

Eugene Fernandez

18/2/2015 06:36:06 am

Avoidance may be an unconscious response to new stimuli, it muffles cognitive dissonance by building positive resistance thereby affirming our current beliefs as natural and true. Action Research and particularly the framework with an emancipatory and social/cultural change agenda encourages the individual and group to better understand the constructed nature of reality and 'truths'. The nature of 'our truths' and our 'Resistance' to 'other truths' can be viewed from a more distancing lens.

Philippe Lemonnier

16/2/2015 02:12:57 am

Nice story!

16/2/2015 02:14:02 am

Thanks Philippe. :)

Ian Henderson

16/2/2015 02:13:28 am

And so true!

16/2/2015 02:16:13 am

It's certainly true in my experience, Ian. It's why I like the Nike slogan: 'Just do it!'. I'm sure you have some good stories to share from your experience too? All the best. Nick

Pip Bruce Ferguson

16/2/2015 11:40:43 pm

Nick, this reminded me (somewhat obliquely) of a quote by Stephanie Dowrick, from her book "Choosing Happiness". I think both the book and the quote are very helpful. She wrote: "What you pay attention to grows stronger in your life". So if one focuses on the negative, that tends to take over, and vice versa. Action researchers are always aiming for positive change, which I guess is why I'm an action researcher.

17/2/2015 09:52:17 am

Hi Pip and thanks for sharing that helpful quotation. It has interesting resonances with insights from Gestalt and cognitive behavioural work: what we notice and pay attention to, what we don't notice or pay attention to, the impact noticing (or attention) has on feelings and behaviour etc. Did you have any examples from your action research work you would be willing to share? With best wishes. Nick

Pip Bruce Ferguson link

17/2/2015 11:43:32 pm

Hi Nick - I can't share quickly on something as big as this. Suffice it to say that your comment "On the whole, it’s as if there are competing beliefs, values, motivations or dynamics within us that struggle for prominence, analogous to Freud’s struggle between the superego and the id" resonates with Schon's espoused theory versus theory-in-use. In action research work, including some I'm currently investigating, the Living Educational Theory approach initiated by Whitehead and McNiff addresses issues such as paradoxes in our practice, and whether we hold ourselves accountable for our articulated values. You might be interested in http://ejolts.org an online journal with which I am connected. In that, there are many accounts, including action research ones, that look at contradictions and proceeding in the face of internal conflict and external adversity. I've put the link to our 'occasional' website in above too - my PhD thesis is on my largely static page, and I looked at a lot of those issues there. Reading a PhD thesis is, however, a big ask! :-)

18/2/2015 01:50:37 am

Hi Pip. Thanks for your helpful response with more great references! Yes, I can see resonances with Schon's work now that you mention it and I like the phrase 'paradoxes in our practice'. I can definitely identify with that in my own life, as well as in what I notice in others, organisations etc. It's as if we can sometimes be so convinced by and emotionally passionate about say, an idea or a decision, that it feels to us that we are living it out in practice even if we aren't. Can you remind me what the link is to your 'occasional' website? With thanks again and best wishes. Nick

John Johnstone

18/2/2015 11:16:30 am

Hi Nick, your question on LinkedIn, 'how do you help people to avoid avoidance?' caught my eye. I guess awareness and choice are front of mind for me. I try to notice when I am deflecting / avoiding and be curious about it so i can discover how it is serving me in that moment. I did this today and made an aware choice to continue avoiding - it was a helpful choice. I try to enable my coaching clients to build their capacity to become aware, curious and choiceful.

18/2/2015 11:20:11 am

Hi John and thanks for the note. I like your emphasis on awareness and choice. I'm intrigued by how at times I manage to rationalise my avoidance, even to myself, as a kind of defence mechanism. The strange thing is that I'm sometimes avoiding the thing that another part of me (insofar as it's meaningful to refer to 'parts' of self) yearns to do. We are wonderfully complex beings! With best wishes. Nick

Katy Steinkamp

20/2/2015 07:09:01 am

Hi Nick and John,
As I was reading your question and John's response I was reminded of the times that denial and deflection have served me well at different times in my life by allowing me time to breathe and gather the energy I needed to deal with issues that threatened my survival. Our work isn't to "fix" denial. It is to support the space that allows the choice to appear. And now I realize you both already said that just in a different way.

20/2/2015 08:36:45 am

Hi Katy. Thanks for such helpful thoughts. Yes, there are certainly situations when avoidance is an appropriate or healthy strategy. In extreme cases, this could be e.g. avoiding an abusive relationship or avoiding an unsafe situation as a refugee.

I have sometimes avoided confronting a situation or a relationship because I've felt too bruised or exhausted to deal with it well at that time. Sometimes, I've returned to address those issues or relationships when I've been in a better place to handle them.

There are also times when avoidance can be described as a neurotic response e.g. by perceiving and responding as if a threat is present where, in reality, the threat is not real or substantial. This may be a result of, e.g. transference or cognitive distortion.

I saw once such example on TV recently where a therapist helped a group of people to overcome a chronic fear of heights (which was affecting their lives adversely by avoiding heights) by use of exposure therapy. The change was liberating and remarkable.

The kind of avoidance I had in mind when writing the blog is where it would be in my (or others') best interest to do something, and yet still to experience an internal struggle that seems to try to stop me doing it. It's as if there are competing voices within me.

I agree with you that our work isn't to 'fix' avoidance per se. I see it more, as you and John have described, as increasing choice, motivation and positive action where avoidance isn't serving us or others well and where, in Nike's terms, we need to 'just do it!'.

Andrea

2/3/2015 05:20:57 am

I'm struggling with the thought that the unconscious is a redundant concept in this discussion and potentially undermines the client and the coach trying to help him or her.

Everyday I pass through an infinity of choice points, many without spotting they are even there. At each one I have an opportunity to turn in the direction of what makes my life seem vital and valuable but I don't always take it. I often take the road which moves me away, procrastinate at best, shoot myself in the foot at worst.

Imagine the scene: I'm driving home from work after a long day at work, gym bag on the seat beside me, and I come to a roundabout. Turn left and I can travel past the gym and exercise on my way home, definitely something I my mind reminds me is important for my health, wellbeing, and ability to be the person I want to be in life. Turn right and I go directly home:my mind reminds me its a long time since lunch and I can get water and food and that will enable me to exercise better: harder and longer.

My body consciously remembers the left turn well - it makes it more often. My tummy grumbles. I an concious I feel heavy and lethargic - which my mind reminds me would lessen if I go sit on the sofa.

My mind fails to remind me that once home and on the sofa I probably won't get up again - after all I need time to digest and I can watch to while I do, and then exercising this late may make to hard to sleep ....

My mind knows but also fails to remind me that working in the gym feels good on an empty stomach, energises me and makes the rest of the evening more productive and enjoyable. Because these thoughts, while just as 'true' as the the others are not as habitual as they are.

We need to become more mindful of choice points. Of the habit voices which tell us the truth, but not the whole truth. Use tactics to bring to mind the thoughts which would take us more surely in our valued life direction more often. Practice taking the unhabitual choice and noticing the outcome mindfully to build up the strength of that choice option

I could complicate this example - easy to add in the kind of zombie dancing we all do with avoidance pulls etc - but the point I want to make is that the key is simple: coaching people to notice choice points and stop and remind themselves they are making a choice with consequences. All the things their mind is saying will be true but not all will help them stay with their intention and fulfill a purpose that makes their heart sing.

20/7/2016 04:29:46 am

Many thanks, Andrea, for sharing such profound insights and a great practical illustration! It sounds to me like we are describing the same phenomenon with different language. When you speak of the influence of the unconscious, it resonates for me with the experience I'm seeking to express here. I agree with your view on choice points and the significance of this for coaching and would be very interested to hear your thoughts on a related piece: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/choose All the best. Nick

Alex Swarbrick

4/3/2015 03:18:42 am

Central to Person Construct Psychology (PCP) is that idea our psychological process are all about anticipation. Anticipation and experience; there’s cycle that describes phases of Anticipation, Commitment (to experiment) – in your case throwing back the curtains – Encounter (the foggy weather) Confirmation or Disconfirmation (of the expected outcome – in your case Disconfirmation) – Constructive revision.

This is where the fun starts; you can either think, “Do you know what, my construction of days that are suitable for cycling can also accommodate foggy dampness as well as warm sunshine, and I’m off” or perhaps “I now need to reconstrue today; I thought a ‘good day today’ could only involve cycling. But now the weather’s grotty I need to allow my construction of today as a good day to incorporate a different activity” Or, your Constructive Revision might not have been quite so useful for you; it could have been challenging and left you stuck like the proverbial donkey later in your blog.

There’s a PCP writer who talks about “our Community of Selves”; it’s a term that’s grown on me because it allows me to look on the seemingly fragmented perspectives my brain offers me as more benign than malevolent, and they’re all me, and I’m still at liberty to choose. The view would be we go through life making choices second by second, many pretty banal, some fairly profound in the implications we anticipate.

PCP’s view would be that our choices are about defining or extending or construct framework. E.g. Egg mayo sandwich or BLT for lunch? “Egg mayo. I can’t stand lettuce, never have been able to so it’s a ‘no brainer’ “; that’s definition. Or “Definitely BLT; I had egg mayo yesterday and the variety is good for me”; That’s extension. But many choices seem not that straightforward.

Interestingly PCP doesn’t acknowledge ‘motivation’. In a way it’s a philosophical stance as much as psychological, in that the theory sees human beings not as inert blobs awaiting the application of sufficient external force, or irresistible internal urge, to move us. Instead it sees us as continually in motion, continually in ‘process’, continually enacting our meaning making, and experimenting with our anticipations. Kelly’s analogy of us as humans is ‘scientists’. So within that view, the notion of motivation becomes redundant.

But, having said the notion of motivation doesn’t exist within PCP, what is important is helping people to understand their construct frameworks, particularly their core and superordinate constructs, which tend to lie behind their enacted meaning making in any given situation.

There’s a little PCP tool relating to decision making that describes three phases; CPC; Circumspection – scanning the options – Preemption – discounting some options in favour of another – Choice / Control – settling on a course of action. The cycle helps understand where we sometimes get stuck, like the donkey. At times for some of us we’ll be stuck at the first C – too much circumspection; paralysis by analysis. For some of us at times there’s insufficient C and we rush straight into Preemption, making impulsive choices, which we regret and try to redress with an equally impulsive correction.

Or PCP would imagine it as above, in terms of Superordinate constructs and increased awareness of our anticipations. PCP holds an appealing view that nothing is beyond reconstruction, even ourselves; that nobody needs to paint themselves into a corner; be a victim of their biography, as someone once put it. And for me, it’s time to stop all this fun with PCP and having a lovely online chat with my friend Nick, and get on with the day job. Hey ho!

20/7/2016 04:37:01 am

Hi Alex and many thanks for sharing such deep and useful insights from PCP. I always love the way you are able to express these things so profoundly. I find the notion, the recognition, of how we construe our reality and experience is fascinating. It resonates well with insights from social constructionism too. On a tangent but related theme, what do you see as the main points of convergence and divergence between PCP and social constructionism? All the best. Nick

12/3/2015 03:02:04 am

Very insightful article Nick - thank you. I find the conflict between our conscious and unconscious mind fascinating and I agree with you about the importance of coaching in unlocking this potential blockage.

20/7/2016 04:38:32 am

Many thanks Ian! :) All the best. Nick