 ‘Information is giving out; communication is getting through.’ (Sydney J. Harris) I leapt to my own defence, taking even myself by surprise. I was out motorcycling with a good friend yesterday when, after taking a break, he unexpectedly gave me feedback on a couple of important riding mistakes I’d made on route. He’s a far more advanced motorcyclist than I am and his comments were justified and accurate. In fact, I’d noticed the same errors when I had made them and had attempted to correct them. So why the defensive response? I reflected on this afterwards and three factors came to mind: the feedback was unsolicited; given very directly; and only focused on the mistakes. Perhaps it tapped into an insecurity of sorts, too, when riding with such an experienced expert; especially as I’ve had 19 motorcycle accidents in the past – not something to be proud of – and have a definite need for improvement(!). A different way to approach feedback conversations (especially when working cross-culturally) is to (a) ask the person if they would find feedback useful (including in that moment and context); (b) explain our intention is to be helpful; (c) ask what feedback they would find most useful; and (d) ensure it’s in perspective (against a backdrop of what they did well). It’s about inviting the other party to invite feedback – if they’d like to. Would you like help with giving and receiving feedback? Get in touch! 
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 ‘Coaching should be a process of inquiry, not a series of questions.’ (Marcia Reynolds) I’m often stimulated by the great questions, insights and ideas that people bring to coaching training workshops. This week’s advanced-level participants were in Burundi, Pakistan and the UK and mostly in leadership and management roles. Some of the questions they raised were:
The first question touches on culture and boundaries since where people draw the boundaries between ‘life’ and ‘work’ may be different in different cultural contexts. Many managers are willing to explore outside-of-work issues insofar as they impact on a person or team in-work. The second question touches on perception and capability; firstly, the degree to which the way in which a person construes a situation and themself in relation to it corresponds with ‘reality’ and ‘truth’; then how far critical environmental factors are constraining or enabling their progress. The third question touches on emotional and cultural intelligence; that is, how far the manager is aware of their own emotional triggers and how far they have developed themselves to recognise and address them. It’s useful to work through these things with a trusted supervisor. The final question touches on relationships and systems; that is, how the manager positions themself in relation to others in a team, and the others in relation to each other, and how they then choose to navigate the cultural and relational boundaries that emerge between them. Do you want to develop your coaching skills as a manager? Get in touch!  ‘The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.’ (George Bernard Shaw) How quickly things can go wrong. ‘I’d like to meet with you for a review.’ Our intentions are innocent, yet we see the other person tense up and the colour drain from their face. What has just happened here? What might we inadvertently have tapped into without realising it? It sometimes happens in line-managerial relationships if trust is low or has not yet been established, where a person has had bad experiences in the past or if they fear the worst. Some psychologists call this action-intention inference. An invitation to a meeting is an action and, if we don’t clarify our intention up front, the person may assume or infer our intention (see Chris Argyris: Ladder of Inference) – whether it reflects our true intention or not. In hierarchical relationships or where trust is low, people may fill the void of not-knowing with their own anxieties. There is a risk of jumping to conclusions that could stress or derail the relationship. Imagine this alternative scenario and framing as a 4-step approach. The line-manager speaks with the team member in an open and invitational tone: 1. Affirmation: ‘It’s great that you’ve been here to support us for the past 3 months.’ 2. Impact: ‘Your work has made such a difference to the team.’ 3. Intention: ‘It matters to me that this is a great experience for you too.’ 4. Invitation: ‘Fancy a coffee sometime to hear how you’re doing and if there’s anything you need?’ Do you want to enhance your communication skills? Get in touch!  ‘Not every grasp is fear; some are gentle acts of faith.’ (Iyanla Vanzant) Today, I ran a training workshop in Leading & Influencing Change for leaders and managers of organisations providing trauma-informed services for people dealing with emotional, social or mental health difficulties, learning disabilities, complex needs or domestic abuse. As always when working with such passionate and experienced professionals, I learned as much from the participants as I was able to share with them from my own insights and experiences. One service manager prompted deep reflections on the notion of ‘being held’ and of holding others. There’s a very great difference between the experience of, say, being held in a supportive way such as being hugged gently, when invited, to ease anxiety or offer safety; and of being held forcefully, uninvited, as when finding oneself restrained or constrained by another against one’s will. The former can feel like Bowlby’s secure base and the latter like a violation. Using ‘being held’ as a metaphor to explore relationships with team members at work, the manager shared how actions can be misunderstood. For instance, the manager who ‘holds’ a team member by overseeing their work (e.g. in the safeguarding arena) could be experienced as micro-managing, whereas her intention is to ‘support you in holding the risk.’ The relational skill is to hold with freedom of consent, clarity of intention and agreement on practice. Are you leading people through change and transition? Curious to discover how I can help you? Get in touch!  ‘I know you think you understand what you thought I said but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.’ (Alan Greenspan) What could possibly go wrong? Many years ago now, I arranged to meet up with a new Ugandan colleague. We were both living in the UK, on opposite sides of London, and we had agreed to meet at 10.00am at a building close to where he lived. Having travelled across the city through busy traffic, I arrived punctually at 9.55am. By 10.30am, however, he still hadn’t turned up. I didn’t have any way to contact him and I remember feeling increasingly frustrated and disrespected. At 10.35am, he strolled up casually as if nothing was wrong. Trying not to display my irritation, I said, ‘I had thought we would meet at 10.00am.’ ‘Yes’, he agreed, with a wide, relaxed smile on his face. That puzzled me so I looked down at my watch pointedly, without saying a word. ‘Oh’, he responded – a light bulb moment. ‘10.00am in African time means sometime this morning. I didn’t imagine you’d get here at 10.00am exactly.’ This was one of my first introductions to cross-cultural values, priorities and communication. We had agreed a time without realising we had each meant a different thing by it. Yet crossed-wires can happen in all kinds of relationships. I often see it arise in tensions between line-managers and their reports; team members and their team colleagues; teams working in different functions etc. I created the sample grid (above) to help untangle the wires or to help avoid them becoming crossed in the first place. It focuses on clarity and agreement in relation to, in this case, focus and boundaries. The goal is to use the tool to help surface implicit underlying assumptions and expectations and avoid confusion or stress. It can be adapted for delegation to clarify, for instance, what is negotiable and non-negotiable when it comes to decision-making, e.g. I’ll decide; We’ll discuss and I’ll decide; We’ll discuss and we’ll decide; We’ll discuss and you’ll decide; You’ll decide and ask me if you need help. Or, when delegating a task: I don’t mind what you end up with as long as it will serve X purpose; What you end up with must meet X criteria – you decide what best does this; You must end up with X – how you do it is up to you; You must go about it X way – you sort out the details.  ‘A self-fulfilling prophecy is a false definition of a situation, evoking a behaviour that makes the (originally) false conception come true.’ (Robert Merton) I sometimes see it coaching conversations. For instance, a Director believes a new manager will be unreliable because of a vague rumour they’ve through the organisational grapevine. So, she delegates fewer responsibilities to him than to other managers, avoids involving him in big projects and checks on him constantly. As a consequence, the manager feels mistrusted, disengages and performs poorly. The outcome appears to confirm the Director’s original belief. We could imagine an alternative scenario in which, conversely, a Director genuinely believes a new manager can handle a high-stakes project well. She expresses confidence in his abilities openly, demonstrates trust, provides opportunities for autonomy and celebrates wins with him along the way. As a consequence, the manager feels empowered, works collaboratively and exceeds the project goals. This outcome, too, appears to confirm the Director’s initial belief. So, a reflexive question for a Director to consider could be something along the lines of: ‘What’s my contribution to what I’m experiencing in this new manager?’ Is there something I’m thinking, feeling or doing that could potentially (at least in part) evoke or influence the outcome? This isn’t about confirming or denying the validity of the Director’s initial assumptions. It’s also not about absolving the manager of their own part. It is about an awareness of relational dynamics. It's about noticing the impact of belief on behaviour and corresponding results.  ‘If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.’ (Yogi Berra) I was reminded this week of theories of change and strategy maps. They are, in essence, visual representations of what we do and why. If you were to imagine writing or depicting a desired outcome (vision, or goal) at the top of a sheet of paper then under that, say, 2-3 key objectives (critical conditions, or success factors needed to fulfil that outcome) then, under each objective, say, 3-5 key activities that would achieve them, there you have it – in simplest form. If you read upwards, it will answer the question, ‘We do this so that…’ and, downwards, ‘We achieve this by…’. It enables a conversation around, e.g. ‘What assumptions are we making?’ or ‘Have we properly understood the critical conditions for success?’ It also enables prioritising of activities by asking, e.g. ‘Which of these activities are we already doing well?’ or ‘Which do we need to stop, start or do differently?’ Make it creative and it’s a great communication tool.  ‘As coaches, the greatest tool we need to cultivate is our self.’ (Pamela McLean) Many years ago now, during a masters’ degree core module on psychological dynamics in organisations, I said to a colleague in a spirit of curiosity, ‘I keep feeling an impulse to hug you.’ They looked amazed and said, ‘I’m feeling really vulnerable today.’ I had no idea from their demeanour. They always presented as very calm, relaxed and confident. We discussed this in light of the programme focus that day and concluded that, intuitively and subconsciously, I had picked up on something of their anxiety and need for reassurance. A number of factors were at play here: it was unusual in our relationship and, mysteriously, it somehow felt like it was something about me, but not only about me. In later years, whist doing a postgraduate course in coaching psychology, I discovered this kind of noticing can be used powerfully in coaching conversations. Psychological practitioners call this use-of-self, the idea that what we observe in and between ourselves during an interaction can be used tentatively as an instrument for awareness-raising in another person. I use the word tentatively here because it’s about exploring a possibility and not superimposing our own feelings or interpretations onto the other. I saw this opportunity arise in an intense conversation recently where a manager was working very hard to cajole a team member into demonstrating greater proactivity and initiative. The team member was nodding in passive agreement rather than playing a more active role in their own development. Imagine if the manager had paused, reflected, and fed this back as an observation instead: ‘I’m feeling (intra-personally) a strong desire to see you being more proactive…and I’m wondering (inter-personally) if I’m taking too much initiative in this conversation.’ It's as if the manager imagines herself momentarily stepping out of the relationship to stand in an observing place; then looks back at herself, the team member and the interaction between them and shares what she notices from that place. This would bring here-and-now experience into focus and invite the team member to reflect critically on their own agency too.  ‘Our cultural strength has always been derived from our diversity of understanding and experience.’ (Yo-Yo Ma) Assertiveness is often framed as a positive trait – being clear, direct and confident in expressing our thoughts and needs. But in cultures where relationship, harmony and saving face are highly-valued, a Western style of assertiveness can sometimes feel abrupt or even rude. It’s a lesson I’ve learned – no, I’m still learning – through having made painful and embarrassing cross-cultural mistakes. So how can we adapt an assertive approach without losing our voice? Here are some general rules-of-thumb: *Observe and learn: Pay attention to local communication styles. Notice how disagreements or requests are typically handled. *Use indirect language: Try to frame your points in a way that aligns with cultural norms (see practical examples below). *Be mindful of non-verbal cues: In high-context cultures, non-verbal communication carries weight. Ensure words, tone and body language are congruent. *Seek local feedback: Engage with culturally-knowledgeable friends or colleagues to refine your communication approach. Here are some practical examples: 1. Listen beyond words: A Vietnamese colleague told me, ‘Yes doesn’t always mean yes here.’ Instead of relying solely on verbal confirmation, pay attention to body language, tone and hesitation. If someone says, ‘That might be difficult,’ they may be politely saying no. Example: If you ask someone if they can meet a deadline and they respond with, ‘That could be a challenge but we will try our best,’ this may mean they cannot meet it. Try asking, ‘I understand it’s difficult. What timeline do you think would be realistic?’ 2. Use indirect language: Rather than saying, ‘I disagree with this approach,’ try, ‘I wonder if there’s another way to look at this?’ or ‘Would it be possible to explore an alternative?’ Softening language allows for discussion without putting anyone on the spot. Example: If a team in Thailand proposes an idea you find impractical, instead of rejecting it outright, you could say, ‘This is an interesting idea. What challenges do you foresee in implementing it?’ This approach encourages dialogue without shutting them down. 3. Frame feedback as a question: Direct or implied criticism can feel very personal in some cultures. Instead of ‘This report isn’t clear,’ try ‘How do you think we could make this report even clearer?’ It invites reflection and change without causing embarrassment. Example: If a junior colleague in Singapore submits a report with errors, instead of saying, ‘This isn’t detailed enough,’ ask, ‘Could we add a bit more background information to clarify this section?’ This encourages improvement whilst maintaining respect. 4. Leverage relationships: In hierarchical cultures, feedback is often best received through the appropriate channels. Instead of challenging a senior colleague directly, discuss concerns privately or ask a trusted intermediary to raise the point. Example: If you need to push back on an unrealistic request from a senior manager in the Philippines, rather than directly saying, ‘This won’t work,’ you might discuss your concerns with a colleague who has a good relationship with them and ask them to introduce the idea tactfully. 5. Respect the pause: Silence is powerful. In Western cultures, we may jump in to fill gaps. But in cultures where people reflect before responding, allow pauses. If you ask a question and don’t get an immediate answer, don’t rush to rephrase – wait. You might get a more thoughtful response. Example: In a negotiation in Cambodia, you propose a fee rate. The other party remains silent. Instead of jumping in with a revised offer, wait. The pause doesn’t necessarily mean disapproval. It may signal they are considering it.  ‘In a fully developed bureaucracy there is nobody left with whom one can argue, to whom one can represent grievances, or on whom the pressures of power can be exerted. We have a tyranny without a tyrant.’ (Hannah Arendt) I’ve been astonished in recent months by numerous accounts from friends, colleagues and clients of feeling mangled in the machines of bureaucracy. Some have been in commercial business contexts and others, more depressingly in many respects, in the explicitly values-orientated not-for-profit sector. A recurring theme has been being passed from pillar to post, being subjected to impersonal policies, processes and procedures, with no account taken of the human costs. Against this background, I have been remarkably impressed by these same individuals’ resilience. I’ve been amazed at their ability to survive and persevere on the edges of systems that care on paper but demonstrate no empathy in practice. Some have attributed their endurability to trust in God, some to support from family and friends, some to techniques like mindfulness, others to a pragmatic approach in life. They are a testimony to the human spirit in the face of adversity. Ironically, when I speak with people who operate the machinery in such organisations, I don’t often encounter faceless, unfeeling bureaucrats. I do often find people trying hard to do what they or their management considers to be the right thing, or cold technology requires them to do, often against a backdrop of competing pressures and demands and far-from-adequate resources to address them. Losing the human becomes an inadvertent cultural pattern and consequence. Do you need help to rediscover the human in your organisation? Get in touch! |
Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! 
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