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12/1/2023

‘I’m not a teacher, but an awakener.’ (Robert Frost)

I imagine something like a coffee table between us. As the client talks about a challenge, issue or opportunity they are dealing with, I imagine them metaphorically painting a picture on the table, perhaps adding something like colourful photos from magazines, to depict their situation vividly. If, as a coach, I allow myself to follow the client’s gaze, to focus my own attention too on the scenario that is unfolding, I risk losing sight of the client. It may weaken the contact between us; draw us both into the place where the client already feels stuck; diminish the potential for transformation.

How can I know if this is happening, if I have inadvertently become preoccupied with or seduced by the drama the client is presenting? Here are some tell-tale signs: ‘Tell me more about…’; ‘I’d be interested to hear more about…’; ‘Could you share a bit more of the background..?’ It could be that the client’s issue resonates with an area of interest, expertise or experience of the coach; or that the coach has subconsciously slipped into diagnostic-consultant mode, with a view to finding or creating a solution for the client. It’s as if, ‘If you give me enough information, I can resolve this for you.’

A radically different approach is to hold our attention on the client, to be aware of the figurative coffee table in our peripheral vision, but to stay firmly focused on the person (or team) in front of us. This is often where the most powerful coaching insights and outcomes emerge. Here are some sample person- (or team-) orientated questions: ‘Who or what matters most to you in this?’; ‘What outcome are you hoping for?’; ‘As you talk about this now, how are you feeling?’; ‘What assumptions are you making?’; ‘What are you not-noticing?’; ‘What are you avoiding?’; ‘Now that you know this, what will you do?’

24 Comments

June Webb

13/1/2023 03:26:57 pm

Focus on process. The content is often what keeps the client stuck.

Nick Wright

13/1/2023 03:28:38 pm

Hi June. Do you have any examples of ‘process’ that you could share here?

14/1/2023 07:37:12 am

No, as each client’s process is unique but recognising the way the client relates to the world informs the response from the practitioner in forming questions and responses to help them move in the right direction.

14/1/2023 08:43:06 am

Ah - so by ‘process’, you mean ‘the way the client relates to the world’. I like that. Thank you.

14/1/2023 05:12:30 pm

I like Heidegger’s concept of humans as beings-in-the-world, rather than a collection of ‘individuals’. Everything and everyone is connected.

14/1/2023 05:13:50 pm

Thanks June. This short reflection on Heidegger may resonate? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/phenomenology-constructionism-and-coaching

Heather Watson

14/1/2023 05:21:17 pm

Thanks Nick. I find your coffee table metaphor very helpful. It's true. As coaches, we do risk paying too much attention to the client's story. Thanks for the reminder!

14/1/2023 05:23:38 pm

Thanks Heather. On how to avoid becoming too drawn into the client's story, I can definitely recommend Claire Pedrick's book 'Simplifying Coaching' (2020).

Mark Hamilton

14/1/2023 05:25:43 pm

Interesting article, Nick. Are you saying we should ignore the situation a client wants to talk about?

14/1/2023 05:31:43 pm

Thanks Mark. I think it's more about where we focus our attention as a coach. I don't need to know or understand the client's situation. My role is to enable the client to make sense of and move forward in (or outside of) his or her own situation. As the client relates dimensions of the situation that strike him or her as significant, I may ask 'In relation to that...', then follow that with a you-orientated question.

John Lever

14/1/2023 05:43:09 pm

Hi Nick. I hold my hand up and confess that I sometimes get too caught up with the person's situation!! I'm a manager. I'm used to people asking me for advice. I must learn to step back more!

14/1/2023 05:44:45 pm

Thanks for your honesty, Mark! In my experience, it's a common challenge for managers. On the 'step back' theme, you may find this short piece interesting? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/just-enough

Hans Vogel

14/1/2023 05:48:46 pm

Your blog makes no sense. How can you help solve the situation if you do not listen or ask about the situation? Are you really a coach?

14/1/2023 05:55:15 pm

Hi Hans. I often hear similar questions, especially from people who are new to coaching. One way to think about it is that I focus primarily on the person, whilst he or she focuses on his or her situation and how to resolve it. My role is to enable him or her to learn and to address the situation for him- or herself.

Judith Warham

16/1/2023 02:36:24 pm

Hey Nick. "I risk losing sight of the client". So true, right? I risk losing sight of myself too, not hearing and listening to my intuition.

16/1/2023 02:38:50 pm

Thanks Judith. Yes, on the 'use of self' theme, you may find these short related pieces interesting?

https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/use-of-self-in-coaching
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/listening-for-a-voice7104449

Neill Hahn

20/1/2023 08:04:23 am

Yes, the "props" in the scene can vary the outcome for the client, but I have never made any rules about their use. I prefer a small table to the side, offset so we can use it or not, but not be disconnected by it. For clients who express anxiety actively, I offer them a notepad and pen and invite them to take their own notes. The occupation takes the edge off. My "notes" are always in diagram form, so I invite clients to actively get involved and contribute to the sketches of their situation. That makes them explore it and also to see it differently to the "mess in the head" view that we often have about our own problems. But then some people are happier to just talk about the situation without getting involved in the props.

20/1/2023 10:26:22 am

Hi Neill. I was thinking more of an imagined coffee table than a real one...and, yes, having various resources available that the client may find useful can enrich the coaching process. I often carry what my clients sometimes call my 'box of magic tricks' - coloured pens and paper; post-it notes; random toys and other objects; postcards with a variety of different images on them etc.

I love your comment that, 'My "notes" are always in diagram form, so I invite clients to actively get involved and contribute to the sketches of their situation.' Co-creating a sketch like that sounds like a great way of engaging with a client as they engage with their situation. On a different way of 'doing with', this case study article may be of interest? https://www.nick-wright.com/just-do-it.html

21/1/2023 10:03:02 am

interesting article, thanks. I am a fan of the Gestalt approach, although I've never had the opportunity to use it as intensely as in the way described.
I guess the situations that came to my mind are the opposite to what you were initially describing. I sometimes worked with men in prison, where the table was a real and fixed item (for protection) and my task was to try to make it disappear for the client. I have also worked in government sponsored environments where the physical space was set up beyond my control, so again, creating an imaginary environment that attempted to ignore the physical confinements, whilst warding off my own distractions so that I didn't throttle the client's ability to express their own reality by inadvertently working on my own fears, was still the challenge.

21/1/2023 11:53:15 am

Hi Neill. Wow - I'm intrigued by your insights and experiences. The real table: 'to make it disappear for the client'....and 'creating an imaginary environment that attempted to ignore the physical confinements.' You've really got me thinking..!! Thank you for sharing.

Funmi Johnson

21/1/2023 11:36:26 pm

Thanks for this Nick. Certainly a trap I have fallen into once or a hundred times before 😄. Thank you for the very helpful questions that will help me stay focused on the client.

21/1/2023 11:54:39 pm

Hi Funmi. Lovely to hear from you again after all this time! Yes, it took me some time in my own coaching practice to shift my attention from content to process...then from process to the person. We live and learn. :)

22/1/2023 01:09:06 am

Lovely to be reading your writing again. I’m definitely going to try this. It reminds me a little bit of solution focused coaching.

22/1/2023 01:07:43 pm

Thanks for your encouragement, Funmi. On solutions-focused coaching, these short related pieces may be of interest?

https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/seeking-solutions
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/solutions

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