 ‘A virtuous cycle is a self-reinforcing loop in which a series of positive actions and outcomes continually strengthen each other.’ (Marc Wilson & Donnée MacDougall) I hardly slept on Saturday night then, yesterday evening, I spent time with friends in Germany. As it got late they offered me a lift in their car back to the apartment where I’m staying and, to their surprise, I declined. ‘Why not?’ they asked. ‘You’re very tired, it’s a 30 minutes’ walk and it’s freezing cold outside.’ ‘It’s OK. I'll walk.’ ‘But why?’, they persisted. ‘Because I don’t feel like walking.’ They looked at me completely puzzled now. Had something got lost in translation? ‘The last thing I feel like doing at the moment, when I’m tired and it’s so cold, is to walk back. Therefore, I’m choosing to walk back.’ It opened a curious discussion about self-discipline as a way to strengthen character, personal agency and resilience. It’s as if each time we make such a decision and act on it, it reinforces or changes something within us. Some philosophers argue that who we are and become is a cumulative consequence of such decisions and actions. Now don’t get me wrong. Even the best principles can get a bit crazy when pushed to extremes. Yet picture this. A person is feeling lethargic, demotivated, anxious or depressed and says they don’t feel like getting up in the morning; eating or drinking healthily; going outside for exercise, fresh air and open sky; meeting up with other people; doing something (e.g. as a volunteer) that creates a sense of achievement or makes a positive difference for others – so they don’t do it. The decision and action of not doing it, because in that moment it’s the last thing they feel like doing, actually reinforces their experience of lethargy, demotivation, anxiety or depression. It’s a vicious spiral. The solution, known in psychology as a virtuous cycle, is to do the exact opposite thing – whether we feel like it or not. In the moment, it will feel counterintuitive and we may need support from others to help break an old, fixed pattern and create a sustainable new one. Yet – time and again, I’ve seen people’s lives turned around. Do you want to re-create your future? Get in touch!
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 ‘The map is not the territory.’ (Alfred Korzybski) Coaching is often concerned with helping a person to explore and navigate their landscape. This landscape could be, for instance, the person’s reality, situation or circumstances. A coach may ask, ‘What’s the key challenge you’re facing at work?’ then, perhaps, ‘Who could support your success or, conversely, make it harder for you to succeed?’ or ‘What resources will you need to achieve this?’ Such questions typically help a person grow in awareness of the features of their external context in order to help them take them into account, draw on them or address them. Today, I ran an advanced-level workshop for experienced coaching practitioners in Burundi, Kenya, Pakistan, Rwanda and the UK. On this occasion, we focused primarily on a person’s inner landscape, recognising that the inner landscape is often shaped or influenced by external factors too, including key relationships and culture. The inner landscape is the swirling pool of a person’s thoughts, feelings, motivations and preferences, along with subconscious influences such as introjected beliefs and values or the enduring emotional impact of past experiences. We touched on Timothy Gallwey’s core insight, expressed in the formula P=P-I, where the first P stands for Performance, the second for Potential and the I for Interference. The interference that can affect our wellbeing or achievement often arises from whatever floats to the surface in that pool; for instance untested limiting assumptions, performance anxiety or a fear of negative evaluation by others. In view of this and the essentially subjective nature of such experiences, we explored how to address such issues with a person using a phenomenological approach. In practice this could entail, for instance: Explore the person’s world as they see, experience and feel within it (e.g. ‘What’s it like for you when you’re in that situation?); Explore cultural influences on the person’s beliefs, values and behaviour (e.g. ‘What messages from your family or community influence the choices you make?); Explore the person’s individual preferences and norms (e.g. ‘How do you prefer to make decisions?’). It enables a person to map their total landscape with greater clarity, colour and texture and, from there, to find their own way forward.  ‘Conversations need to be safe, focused and purposeful.’ (Al Adamsen)
This week, I spent time leading coaching skills practice workshops for participants in Malawi, Pakistan and the UK. They were building on insights from Part 1 of a foundational training programme last week before stepping into Part 2 next week. It’s always great to see people willing to experiment, give it a try, to develop their coaching confidence and competence. One of the questions we discussed in debrief today was how to ensure that, as far as possible, coaching conversations are experienced as useful. A key way to achieve this is to focus explicitly on purpose from the outset and to review it, if needed, as the conversation progresses: ‘What are we here to do?’ or, ‘What would be a great outcome for this conversation?’ It’s very different to inviting someone to start talking about whatever challenge they are facing, and then finding ourselves lost with them as they start to unpack lots of complex dimensions to it. We can invite them first to crystalise: ‘In relation to that, which area would you like to focus on in this conversation?’ and then contract, ‘How shall we use this time to address it?’ Would you like help with creating more purposeful conversations? Get in touch!  ‘An opportunity to receive questions.’ I like this simple definition of coaching and action learning. Although the success of both depends on more than just questions, it nevertheless highlights the truth that questions lay at the heart of both disciplines. Questions have a power and potential to unlock amazing possibilities. It also points to the opportunity that coaching and action learning can offer to those who choose to draw on their benefits. The notion of opportunity, combined with ‘to receive questions’, suggests to me a spirit of invitation, to invite and to engage with stretch and challenge, not to endure something forced upon me. After all, questions imposed without willingness or readiness to receive can feel more like an interrogation, especially if the intentions are unclear or trust in the relationship is low. (Contracting is a way to address this). Marsha Setian, an expert in Kenya, frames coaching questions as a ‘gift’. I like that too. I often think of questions offered in coaching and action learning as a bit like food and drinks laid out on a buffet table. A guest (the client) is free to choose what to take or try or not, and what to do with it or not. There is no expectation or obligation to eat or drink everything placed on the table. This respects and reinforces agency. Imagine I’m struggling with a complex issue that's real and important to me, and I can’t seem to find a way forward. The coach or action learning group is an invaluable resource for me, posing questions that enable me to reflect more deeply and broadly, think critically, and find or create innovative solutions. In my experience, the eureka moments that so often arise make the effort and investment well worthwhile. Curious to discover how I can help you? Get in touch!  ‘Learn your theories as well as you can but put them aside when you touch the miracle of the living soul.’ (Carl Jung) The past 3 months has been an exciting time, developing and running new foundational and advanced coaching courses for an international Christian non-governmental organisation. The former was for people new to coaching and the latter for those with more training and experience. The goal was to enhance the transformational capacity and impact of the organisation by investing in an internal coaching pool, in enabling ‘sacred encounters’. People took part in these programmes from 12+ countries which ensured a fascinating and enriching cross-cultural dimension and experience. Standard coaching is so often embedded in Western cultural assumptions such as individual autonomy or flat hierarchies. These groups of participants helped us to deconstruct and reconstruct diverse culturally and contextually appropriate approaches that could prove far more effective in their own environments. The foundational programme covered: What is coaching; When is it useful and how; Coaching and mentoring; Psychological safety and trust; Presence and listening; Asking good questions; Coaching in the Bible; The GROW model; A co-active approach; Guiding principles; Support and challenge; Going deeper with GROW; Coaching as a manager; Troubleshooting; and Action planning. It was fascinating to experiment with adapting GROW to a collectivist culture. The advanced programme covered: Psychological coaching; Coaching vs counselling; Diverse psychological approaches; Phenomenological approach; Psychological safety and trust; Sinful-wonderful paradox; Christian pastoral coaching; Renewing of the mind; Webs of our own creation; Jumping to confusions; Cognitive distortions; Reflexive coaching; Risks of self-deception; Unlocking fresh thinking. It was designed to dive deeper in the coaching pool. It also included: Blind spots and hot spots; Capabilities vs conversion factors; Developing personal agency; Expanding range of options; Exploration to action; Troubleshooting; and Action planning. I was impressed and inspired by the active engagement of participants who shared their own experiences, questions and ideas throughout. We ended with pointers towards further resources and an opportunity for participants to choose their own next steps. Are you keen to develop your coaching insights and skills? Get in touch!  ‘Who looks outside dreams; who looks inside awakes.’ (Carl Jung) I’m running a foundation-level coaching programme for participants from Burundi, DRC, Kenya, Lebanon, Mali, Nepal, Philippines, Rwanda and the UK this week. I find the diverse cultural insights and approaches fascinating. The programme is based on John Whitmore’s GROW model because that’s client organisation’s model of choice. At a previous workshop, we looked at how we might adapt GROW to different cultural contexts, particularly those with a more collectivist than individualist orientation. This week we will be looking at how to go deeper at each stage of GROW by asking 2nd level (follow-up) questions. 2nd level questions are challenging and call for trust. Here are some examples of what we might think of as 1st level (often surface-level, or transactional) and 2nd level (often deeper level, or transformational) questions at each stage of the GROW process. The 2nd level questions invite the coachee to build on or delve deeper into their own responses to the 1st level questions – if they want to: Goal. 1st level: ‘What do you want to achieve?’ 2nd level: ‘Why’s that outcome so important to you?’ or ‘What goal might really stretch or scare you?’ Realities. 1st level: ‘What’s holding you back?’ 2nd level: ‘What's your own contribution to what you're experiencing?’ or ‘What truth might another see that you don’t see?’ Options. 1st level: ‘What are your options?’ 2nd level: ‘What (limiting) assumptions are you making?’ or ‘What options have you ruled out because they feel too risky?’ Will. 1st level: ‘What will you do?’ 2nd level: ‘What action will prove you’re serious about doing this?’ ‘If you don’t do it, what will you be telling yourself a month from now?’ I had a valuable conversation with a close friend in Germany this week about how to work with 2nd level questions in such a variety of cultural contexts. He proposed writing a question down; inviting participants to reflect on, ‘How would you pose this question in your culture?’ and, if they wouldn't ask this question, ‘What might you ask instead?’  ‘As coaches, the greatest tool we need to cultivate is our self.’ (Pamela McLean) Many years ago now, during a masters’ degree core module on psychological dynamics in organisations, I said to a colleague in a spirit of curiosity, ‘I keep feeling an impulse to hug you.’ They looked amazed and said, ‘I’m feeling really vulnerable today.’ I had no idea from their demeanour. They always presented as very calm, relaxed and confident. We discussed this in light of the programme focus that day and concluded that, intuitively and subconsciously, I had picked up on something of their anxiety and need for reassurance. A number of factors were at play here: it was unusual in our relationship and, mysteriously, it somehow felt like it was something about me, but not only about me. In later years, whist doing a postgraduate course in coaching psychology, I discovered this kind of noticing can be used powerfully in coaching conversations. Psychological practitioners call this use-of-self, the idea that what we observe in and between ourselves during an interaction can be used tentatively as an instrument for awareness-raising in another person. I use the word tentatively here because it’s about exploring a possibility and not superimposing our own feelings or interpretations onto the other. I saw this opportunity arise in an intense conversation recently where a manager was working very hard to cajole a team member into demonstrating greater proactivity and initiative. The team member was nodding in passive agreement rather than playing a more active role in their own development. Imagine if the manager had paused, reflected, and fed this back as an observation instead: ‘I’m feeling (intra-personally) a strong desire to see you being more proactive…and I’m wondering (inter-personally) if I’m taking too much initiative in this conversation.’ It's as if the manager imagines herself momentarily stepping out of the relationship to stand in an observing place; then looks back at herself, the team member and the interaction between them and shares what she notices from that place. This would bring here-and-now experience into focus and invite the team member to reflect critically on their own agency too.  ‘Extraordinary people are ordinary people making extraordinary decisions.’ (Sharon Pearson) Who’s in the driving seat? It’s an important question in coaching and action learning. After all, the client or presenter chooses the direction, speed, route and destination, even though we travel together. As a coach, if I find myself taking the wheel consciously or inadvertently, I would need to pause, take a breath and rethink or recontract our roles. Too much control risks distracting or disturbing the client’s own insight, potential and agency; a loss that would outweigh a gain. So, what does this look like? The client decides their own starting point, their desired goal and how they’d like to get there. I help facilitate the journey insofar as the client finds this beneficial, and offer silence, questions or reflections, or signal signposts in the road, as minimal prompts. The client navigates their own way, discovering or creating solutions to any challenges they encounter on route. I travel alongside to offer support and challenge, to sharpen awareness and skill. What have been your experiences of working with a coach? What made the difference for you?  ‘Our cultural strength has always been derived from our diversity of understanding and experience.’ (Yo-Yo Ma) Assertiveness is often framed as a positive trait – being clear, direct and confident in expressing our thoughts and needs. But in cultures where relationship, harmony and saving face are highly-valued, a Western style of assertiveness can sometimes feel abrupt or even rude. It’s a lesson I’ve learned – no, I’m still learning – through having made painful and embarrassing cross-cultural mistakes. So how can we adapt an assertive approach without losing our voice? Here are some general rules-of-thumb: *Observe and learn: Pay attention to local communication styles. Notice how disagreements or requests are typically handled. *Use indirect language: Try to frame your points in a way that aligns with cultural norms (see practical examples below). *Be mindful of non-verbal cues: In high-context cultures, non-verbal communication carries weight. Ensure words, tone and body language are congruent. *Seek local feedback: Engage with culturally-knowledgeable friends or colleagues to refine your communication approach. Here are some practical examples: 1. Listen beyond words: A Vietnamese colleague told me, ‘Yes doesn’t always mean yes here.’ Instead of relying solely on verbal confirmation, pay attention to body language, tone and hesitation. If someone says, ‘That might be difficult,’ they may be politely saying no. Example: If you ask someone if they can meet a deadline and they respond with, ‘That could be a challenge but we will try our best,’ this may mean they cannot meet it. Try asking, ‘I understand it’s difficult. What timeline do you think would be realistic?’ 2. Use indirect language: Rather than saying, ‘I disagree with this approach,’ try, ‘I wonder if there’s another way to look at this?’ or ‘Would it be possible to explore an alternative?’ Softening language allows for discussion without putting anyone on the spot. Example: If a team in Thailand proposes an idea you find impractical, instead of rejecting it outright, you could say, ‘This is an interesting idea. What challenges do you foresee in implementing it?’ This approach encourages dialogue without shutting them down. 3. Frame feedback as a question: Direct or implied criticism can feel very personal in some cultures. Instead of ‘This report isn’t clear,’ try ‘How do you think we could make this report even clearer?’ It invites reflection and change without causing embarrassment. Example: If a junior colleague in Singapore submits a report with errors, instead of saying, ‘This isn’t detailed enough,’ ask, ‘Could we add a bit more background information to clarify this section?’ This encourages improvement whilst maintaining respect. 4. Leverage relationships: In hierarchical cultures, feedback is often best received through the appropriate channels. Instead of challenging a senior colleague directly, discuss concerns privately or ask a trusted intermediary to raise the point. Example: If you need to push back on an unrealistic request from a senior manager in the Philippines, rather than directly saying, ‘This won’t work,’ you might discuss your concerns with a colleague who has a good relationship with them and ask them to introduce the idea tactfully. 5. Respect the pause: Silence is powerful. In Western cultures, we may jump in to fill gaps. But in cultures where people reflect before responding, allow pauses. If you ask a question and don’t get an immediate answer, don’t rush to rephrase – wait. You might get a more thoughtful response. Example: In a negotiation in Cambodia, you propose a fee rate. The other party remains silent. Instead of jumping in with a revised offer, wait. The pause doesn’t necessarily mean disapproval. It may signal they are considering it.  ‘A significant role of leadership is to identify vicious cycles and find ways to turn them into virtuous cycles.’ (Clinton Keith) ‘Fortunately, the virtuous cycle is every bit as cascading and self-amplifying as the vicious cycle.’ (Bruce D. Perry) Ever felt stuck in a downward spiral? You try to push forward but something keeps pulling you back. That’s the nature of a vicious cycle, a pattern where negative thoughts, emotions and behaviours keep reinforcing each other, keeping you trapped. Just as negativity feeds on itself, so does positivity. That’s the nature of a virtuous cycle. Shift the pattern and you can move from a cycle that drains you to one that empowers you. Picture this: You hesitate to speak up in a meeting because you’re afraid of sounding foolish. You stay quiet, others dominate the discussion and you leave feeling even less confident. Next time, the hesitation grows even stronger. That’s a vicious cycle. Try this: You take a deep breath and contribute just one point. You realise no one ridicules you. Encouraged, you try again and confidence starts to build. A virtuous cycle begins. Or ever had an argument where both sides keep retreating into defensiveness? One person withdraws, the other feels ignored and lashes out, making the first withdraw even more. Round and round it goes. Flip the script. Instead of shutting down, acknowledge the other person’s frustration. A simple ‘I hear you’ can create a shift. The more you listen, the more they soften. The more they soften, the easier it becomes to connect. Or picture a toxic workplace where micro-management breeds resentment and that creates disengagement. People feel stressed so they make mistakes, or undervalued so they do the bare minimum. Managers tighten control, making things worse. Switch the cycle. Trust. When leaders empower people, engagement increases. Engaged people perform better, reinforcing trust. Performance improves. A virtuous cycle. |
Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! 
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