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Power of love

24/11/2022

24 Comments

 
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‘It’s a question of what the relationship can bear.’ (Alison Bailie)

You may have heard the old adage, the received wisdom that says, ‘Don’t try to run before you can walk.’ It normally refers to avoiding taking on complex tasks until we have mastered simpler ones. Yet the same principle can apply in relationships too. Think of leadership, teamworking, coaching or an action learning set; any relationship or web of relationships where an optimal balance of support and challenge is needed to achieve an important goal.

Too much challenge, too early, and we can cause fracture and hurt. It takes time, patience and commitment to build understanding and trust. I like Stephen Covey’s insight that, ‘Trust grows when we take a risk and find ourselves supported.’ It’s an invitation to humility, vulnerability and courage. It sometimes calls for us to take the first step, to offer our own humanity with all our insecurities and frailties first, as a gift we hope the other party will hold tenderly.

It's an invitation, too, for the receiver to respond with love. John, in the Bible, comments that, ‘Love takes away fear’. To love in the context of work isn’t something soft and sentimental as some cynics would have us believe. It’s an attitude and stance that reveals itself in tangible action. Reg Revans, founder of action learning, said, ‘Swap your difficulties, not your cleverness.’ A hidden subtext could read, ‘Respond to my fragility with love, and I will trust you.’

I joined one organisation as a new leader. On day 3, one of my team members led an all-staff event and, afterwards, she approached me anxiously for feedback. I asked firstly and warmly, with a smile, ‘What would you find most useful at this point in our relationship – affirmation or critique?’ She laughed, breathed a sigh of relief, and said, ‘To be honest, affirmation – I felt so nervous and hoped that, as my new boss, you would like how I had handled it!’

In this vein, psychologist John Bowlby emphasised the early need for and value of establishing a ‘secure base’: that is, key relationship(s) where a person feels loved and psychologically safe, and from which she or he can feel confident to explore in a spirit of curiosity, daring and freedom. It provides an existential foundation on which to build, and enables a person to invite and welcome stretching challenge without feeling defensive, threatened or bruised.

How do you demonstrate love at work? What does it look like in practice?
24 Comments
Isabella Lace
25/11/2022 04:53:22 am

‘Respond to my fragility with love, and I will trust you.’ Wow Nick, I love that!

Reply
Nick Wright
25/11/2022 04:53:59 am

Thank you for your affirming feedback, Isabella!

Reply
Mark Fraser
25/11/2022 04:58:17 am

Hi Nick. Interesting blog. It wouldn't have occurred to me to ask a team colleague what you asked yours. Could she have found it a bit patronising, especially coming from a male authority figure?

Reply
Nick Wright
25/11/2022 05:04:54 am

Thank you, Mark. That's an interesting challenge. Yes, that could be a risk. It partly depends on, for example, the degree to which we had already established rapport, the tone in which the question was framed, and what I felt my intuition was telling me at the time.

In this instance, I responded to her apparent sense of anxiety with a question that I could have reframed more simply as, 'What do you need?' She commented afterwards that how I had responded had opened the door to a close and constructive working relationship.

Reply
Ava Hall
25/11/2022 05:06:56 am

Hi Nick. That's the first time I've heard anyone talk about love at work, especially a man! Very inspiring. Thank you.

Reply
Nick Wright
25/11/2022 05:16:33 am

Thank you, Ava. Yes, I wonder why, at least in my own culture, is feels so alien and awkward to use the word 'love' in the context of work. I sometimes hear someone say 'I love my job', which feels OK to say at work, yet beyond that it feels out of bounds. Perhaps it's because, as a culture, we tend mostly to associate love with romance?

In the Bible, which is my own deepest source of inspiration, love is often articulated as something we do rather than, necessarily, something we feel. It's something like a choice, a decision, an ethical-relational commitment . 'This is how we know what love is: Jesus laid down his life for others, and that is what we should do too.'

Reply
Andy Balfour
25/11/2022 05:21:04 am

Hi Nick. I studied Bowlby and a secure base at Uni. It was a part of attachment theory and we looked at it in child development. I hadn't seen it applied to adults before. I found your application helpful.

Reply
Nick Wright
25/11/2022 05:25:20 am

Hi Andy and thank you. Yes, that was the primary focus in Bowlby's research. I find it useful to consider the same intrapersonal and interpersonal dynamics in the context of a work place and relationship. On that theme, you may find these short related pieces interesting?

https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/transition
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/accents-at-work

Reply
Chloe Badenoch
25/11/2022 05:28:04 am

Nick, I really like your quotation from Stephen Covey. So true.

Reply
Nick Wright
25/11/2022 05:31:10 am

Thank you, Chloe. I think it comes from his book: The Speed of Trust (2006). I like the subtitle of the book: The One Thing That Changes Everything. So true too!

Reply
Steve Dawson
25/11/2022 05:32:59 am

I like the way you weave biblical material into your blogs Nick. So natural and without forcing or preaching. It brings the bible alive for us in this day and age. It makes God's word real, now.

Reply
Nick Wright
25/11/2022 05:36:16 am

Thank you for your encouraging feedback, Steve. As a follower of Jesus, I see and experience God here-and-now, in everything. I owe my life to him.

Reply
Francis Travis
25/11/2022 05:38:23 am

Too much challenge, too early, and we can cause fracture and hurt. The converse is also true. Too little challenge, too late, and we can miss real opportunities for learning and growth.

Reply
Nick Wright
25/11/2022 05:48:07 am

Thank you, Francis. That's a great insight. I shared recently with a training group that, in my experience, clients and action learning presenters often feed back that, in retrospect, they wish their coaches or peers had been more courageous in offering challenge.

(That's the focus of John Blakey and Ian Day's 'Challenging Coaching' (2012), with which you may be familiar)

Sometimes it's because some coaches and coaching training have their roots in therapeutic practice where presence and active listening are paramount. Sometimes, it's because coaches and action learning participants are from cultural backgrounds where to challenge, especially in a group, can feel insensitive or rude.

On the theme of challenge, you may find this short related piece interesting? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/disruptive-influence



Reply
Adrian Roscoe
25/11/2022 05:50:28 am

Hi Nick. I have to hold up my hand and confess. I'm a consultant and I sometimes challenge people too quickly and they don't invite me back!

Reply
Nick Wright
25/11/2022 05:59:14 am

Hi Adrian. I love the honesty and self-awareness in your response. Thank you. :) Psychologist Alison Hardingham highlights the distinction between 'pacing and leading' (drawing on NLP) and colliding with a client - which I find helpful, and I have the scars and bruises to prove it.

I worked as an internal OD consultant with an occupational psychologist who emphasised the importance of building rapport, credibility and trust. This is where I find Alison Bailie's insight at the start of this blog helpful. Collision may be helpful in an emergency or crisis, but not as a norm!

Reply
Hans Vogel
25/11/2022 06:01:10 am

Admit it Nick. You don't like to challenge because you are afraid people will not like you.

Reply
Nick Wright
25/11/2022 06:05:27 am

Hi Hans. Thank you for modelling challenge! It's true that fear of negative evaluation can constrain a person from challenging others, especially if he or she believes the challenge (and thereby the challenger him or herself) will be rejected. I have grown in my willingness and ability to offer constructive challenge over the years and, where possible, try to do it from a relational base of support.

Reply
Savannah Lopez
25/11/2022 06:08:37 am

I work with someone. She always defensive. I try to help. Now I scared of her. What can I do?

Reply
Nick Wright
25/11/2022 06:14:37 am

Hi Savannah. Thank you for sharing what sounds like a difficult work relationship. I hope that some insights from these short related pieces may help you as you find a way forward?

https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/eggshells
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/unstuck
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/uncrossing-the-wires

Reply
Rob Fielding
25/11/2022 06:25:18 am

Hello Nick. I never think about love at work. I just think about getting the job done. Isn't the love at work thing a bit over the top??

Reply
Nick Wright
25/11/2022 06:39:10 am

Hi Rob - and what an interesting challenge. Thank you. It partly depends on what we associate with 'love at work' and partly on what we believe 'gets the job done'. I guess that depends, too, on the nature of the work in which we are involved.

For many people and roles, work has a human-social dimension which is one reason why, for instance, leadership and teamwork are often so critical to fulfilment, wellbeing, effectiveness and success. How we feel influences our motivation and our engagement.

If we were to translate the word 'love' into, say, consideration for others; trustworthy conduct; acting with integrity; a desire for excellence - these are all dimensions of love and, as far as interdependence is concerned, critical success factors for 'getting the job done'. Would you agree?

(On this theme, you may find this short related piece interesting? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/ethics)

Reply
Arianne Blanchet
25/11/2022 06:45:25 am

Nick, I work in HR. Love is a nice idea but too idealistic. Maybe its OK for learning development people. What about hard decisions like disciplinary or redundancy? What about handle misconduct or bad behavior? I hope I not sound too hard.

Reply
Nick Wright
25/11/2022 07:02:34 am

Hi Arianne and thank you for presenting such a helpful and challenging reality-check. I think if we associate 'love' with 'nice', it can be very problematic in the ways that you have described. It could lead us to avoid difficult decisions and actions that, nevertheless, do need to be taken.

I worked in a people and culture role that incorporated OD and HR and, based on that experience, I can sense and empathise with some of the tensions that you have expressed here. It a role that calls us to take diverse and sometimes competing interests into account.

I once needed to make a member of my team redundant. It was a painful decision because I liked and respected her and she was hardworking and committed. Nevertheless, the organisation and its stakeholders needed something very different to what she wanted or was capable of doing.

I spoke with my own coach at the time. He sensed my hesitation and challenged me on it. His advice: My role as a leader was, first, to do what the organisation and its stakeholders needed then, second, to do it in a manner consistent with my ethical beliefs and values.

I found that guidance helpful.

Reply



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    ​Nick Wright

    ​I'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? ​Get in touch!

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