‘The people living in darkness have seen a great Light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death, a Light has dawned.’ (Matthew 4:16, the Bible) ‘Death is a thick black wall, against which every soul is hurled and shattered.’ I don’t now remember who said that, but I do remember my philosophy lecturer quoting it when we studied existentialism. These are very dark words indeed and have, for me, a deeply foreboding and chilling feel to them. I sat down and avidly wrote an essay in response, doing my best to present what, I believed, were convincing rational arguments to counter such a nihilistic and hope-less outlook. When I got my paper back, the mark was nowhere near as high as I had hoped for or expected. The lecturer had commented simply yet profoundly that an existentialist writer would have absolutely no interest in my reasoning. It’s not about objectivity or logic. It’s about how it is and feels to be in the world; a phenomenological cry of angst in the face of fragile, fathomless, futility. It was as if, in my attempt to offer ‘correct’ thinking, I had totally missed the point. It never was about thinking. As the years have passed by, I too have known that angst, at a times an almost irresistible magnetic-like pull towards my own death. Sometimes, it has felt like half-clinging on weakly to avoid being pulled over the edge. In the face of unbearable and irreparable heartbreak, suicide can feel like a least-painful solution. Tom Walker’s moving song, Leave a Light On has deep emotional resonance here. Jesus is my life-saving Light. ‘At the end of the day, it’s either God or death.’ (James Wallace). Whatever Advent means to you, Light shines in darkness. Hold onto hope.
22 Comments
Louise Winter
30/11/2022 07:50:04 pm
Hold onto hope - you too, Nick! 🙏
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Nick Wright
30/11/2022 07:53:17 pm
Thank you, Louise. 🙏
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Theodora Anastas
30/11/2022 08:10:10 pm
Beautifully written, Nick, and honestly expressed. I can relate to your feeling. After a bereavement, the suicidal edge can feel very near. I hold onto hope by my finger nails, and my faith.
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Nick Wright
30/11/2022 08:12:47 pm
Thank you, Theodora. You described that both painfully and beautifully too. I have been too close to that edge. Thank God that Jesus holds us when we can no longer hold ourselves.
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Kathrin Hoffmann
30/11/2022 08:37:17 pm
Hi Nick! Many situations were and are in my life in which I need Jesus to overcome them and not to let the darkness win. Again and again I notice that Jesus accompanies me and gives me courage and hope. He is really light in my life.
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Nick Wright
30/11/2022 08:40:31 pm
Hi Kathrin. That's encouraging to hear!
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Andrew Walker
30/11/2022 08:39:45 pm
I wish more Christians would be so honest like you, Nick. It makes your faith more authentic and attractive.
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Nick Wright
30/11/2022 08:42:29 pm
Thank you for your encouraging feedback, Andrew. I try to be open in the hope that Jesus' light can shine through my life and words.
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Sandra Henderson
30/11/2022 08:45:16 pm
Hello Nick. I'm a CBT therapist. 'It never was about thinking.' You've got me wondering.
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Nick Wright
30/11/2022 08:46:00 pm
Hi Sandra. I'd love to hear more about your wondering...
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Sandra Henderson
30/11/2022 08:48:02 pm
CBT works by changing thinking. When we change our thinking, we can change our feelings. That changes how we are likely to behave and act. What about not-thinking issues?
Nick Wright
30/11/2022 08:53:18 pm
Hi Sandra. I'm not a therapist, but I am a psychological coach and very interested in coaching applications of CBT. In very many cases, a change in thinking can definitely result in the kinds of benefits you have described.
Bridget Manson
30/11/2022 08:56:59 pm
I love that song, Nick. Hadn't really thought about the meaning behind it.
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Nick Wright
30/11/2022 09:00:17 pm
Hi Bridget. Me too. Apparently, the song is about the singer wanting to hold out hope to a friend battling with drug addiction. I find it very moving.
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Malcolm Breckell
30/11/2022 09:04:30 pm
You always look at things differently. Why don't churches share this stuff? It touches where we hurt. That helps us.
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Nick Wright
30/11/2022 09:06:27 pm
Thank you, Malcolm. I guess each church has its own way of expressing and explaining the meaning and significance of Advent. It touches where I hurt too.
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Hans Vogel
30/11/2022 09:26:27 pm
You are wrong. Advent is not just about existential crisis.
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Nick Wright
30/11/2022 09:26:51 pm
Hi Hans. I agree.
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Tara Faulkner
30/11/2022 09:31:08 pm
Your hero Martin Luther King said Only when it is dark enough can you see the stars. Perhaps your existential darkness experiences help you see Jesus Light more brightly.
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Nick Wright
30/11/2022 09:47:20 pm
Hi Tara. That may be true - and I hope so. It could be one way by which God imbues pain with deeper meaning and purpose. From an eternal perspective, it makes it worthwhile.
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Alex
30/11/2022 11:00:40 pm
It’s moving and challenging Nick. A very honest piece . And you’re right: Jesus does offer to hold us . We just need to let him . For me the starting point is often crying out “Jesus, where are you in this?”. And then looking out for him.
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Nick Wright
30/11/2022 11:09:49 pm
Thank you, Alex. 'Jesus, where are you in this?' reminds me of Jesus' own words on the cross, which could be paraphrased as: 'God, where are you in this?'
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Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! Like what you read? Simply enter your email address below to receive regular blog updates!
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