Scars

18/8/2022

'The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it.' (Kubler-Ross & Kessler)

At 15, I was fatally wounded. At 18, I died. That’s how it felt and, at times, it still feels now. There are some scars that never heal. A trauma of unwelcomed loss is being forced, harshly, to let go of an imagined future, a hoped-for dream. This tearing experience can leave our hearts, our bodies, bleeding. I felt betrayed and shattered and spent day after day, year after year, pleading with God to take my life. I slid into a heavy, dark dysthemia. Nothing could bring healing, happiness or hope.

It's fertile ground for addiction, to search for anything that will make us feel alive, provide even momentary relief. We may immerse ourselves in whatever distracts and enables us to avoid having to face again, all too wearily, those severe memories and tortured feelings. My own torment was that searing-painful images would surface over and over in my dreams, as if trying to reconcile the suffering at some deep subconscious level, yet leave me waking the next day in suicidal mood.

I wish there was a simple answer, a miracle cure. I live in a culture that holds out delusional promises and expectations of a pain-free, pleasure-filled possibility of a life. I live in a world where hurt and damaged people, more and more, seek solace and escape in drugs or other diversions. I find my spiritual hope in Jesus who (to me surprisingly, yet in a strange way reassuringly) carries the scars of crucifixion after his resurrection. Whatever I may go through now, this will not end in death.

Over the years I have learned, and am still learning, how to live with my own scars rather than to attempt to bury, hide or erase them. I’m still, at times, ambushed by grief. It takes me by surprise and leaves me temporarily reeling. I’ve learned to be thankful and, gradually, to allow people and relationships to drift away rather than to cling so hard. I’ve learned to discern how pain triggered from the past can reveal someone or something important that I’m not noticing here and now.

How do you deal with your scars? How do you help others to do so too?

(Nick is a change leadership consultant and trainer for trauma-informed practice agency, Rock Pool)

28 Comments

Sarah Hillerer

18/8/2022 07:33:03 pm

Hi Nick! Ich kann dich sehr gut verstehen. Jeder von uns hat seelische scars, manche gehen tief in uns und wir fühlen sie unser ganzes Leben lang. Andere sind oberflächlich und man vergisst sie mit der Zeit. Am schlimmsten finde ich, wenn ich scars von anderen Menschen gemacht bekomme, die es gar nicht merken wie verletzend sie sich verhalten haben. Soll ich es ihnen sagen oder es für mich allein ertragen?

Nick Wright

19/8/2022 10:57:11 am

Danke, Sarah. Das ist eine gute Frage. Einige Therapeuten, denen ich begegnet bin, schlagen vor, unsere Gefühle gegenüber einer Partei auszudrücken, die uns verletzt hat, entweder direkt oder indirekt (z.B. über eine Technik des „leeren Stuhls“) als Weg zur Heilung. Dies ist auch eines der Kernprinzipien der „Restorative Justice“.

Stella Goddard

18/8/2022 09:30:42 pm

Nick...internal and external scars need lots of compassion and kindness. We may feel shame about our scars but they are part of our lived experience. We may choose to conceal some scars. Others may be more visible.

A really moving post that is difficult to reflect on.

19/8/2022 11:04:06 am

Thank you, Stella, for such a characteristically compassionate response to this post.

Ti Ne

19/8/2022 08:22:20 am

An excecllent blog. As always spot on, Nick. and glad to know someone else feels the way I feel. So valuable to have your writings. We very rarely see these valuable Christian blogs these days. They stand right out. I have an enormous amount of scars, some inflicted deliberately by people, some incidental like the death of my dad. If I told anyone what I have been through in life I think some people would quite simply faint. I think the key is to practise forgiveness and to allow those scars to become part of your personality and to shape you. I can empathise with just about anybody because I have been through just about everything. Was praying about scars just this morning in my quiet time. Have to say they robbed me of the confident person I used to be. I am much more fearful now and weary of people.

19/8/2022 11:15:02 am

Hi Ti Ne and thank you for such encouraging feedback. I'm sorry to hear that you have been through so many painful experiences in life. I was particularly struck by your reflections that, 'they robbed me of the confident person I used to be. I am much more fearful now and weary of people'.

Kubler-Ross and Kessler's words that follow from the quotation at the start of the blog may resonate with you? 'You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same. Nor would you want to.'

I hope you find solace in prayer and the comfort of compassionate people around as you re-grow in confidence and trust. I met with a Christian CBT therapist who helped me gain a greater sense of perspective and peace.

19/8/2022 11:55:22 am

Thanks Nick. I agree with Kubler-Ross that we must integrate these experiences into our lives and allow them to change us because I am sure that this is the plan God had in mind when he allowed us to go through them. I went through ten years of absolute hell that I do not wish upon my worst enemy. I am in a good place now, but struggle with real happiness for fear of the next strike God may be planning in order to teach me a lession. It is more to do with God then it is with people.

19/8/2022 12:09:46 pm

Hi Ti Ne. Yes, that touches on so many deep theological and pastoral questions. You may find this short video resonates? It's something I posted on YouTube about 12 years ago: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cetmarNn6FU

19/8/2022 02:01:12 pm

Hi Nick. As humans we all suffer different things and I believe that these are taylor-made by God to enable us to learn the lessons we need to learn and also so that we can step up and help other people with the same problems.

19/8/2022 02:02:03 pm

Hi Ti Ne. Yes, that's certainly one possible way of making sense of our human experience in this world.

Sandra Rushden

19/8/2022 10:49:23 am

Bless you Nick. You sound vulnerable in this blog. I am concerned.

19/8/2022 10:50:13 am

Thank you, Sandra. I tried to write this blog from a place of vulnerability. It has been on my mind to write for some time now. I was working with a group of women from various countries this week, many of whom are involved in trauma-related practice, and they commented on how rarely men are willing to share honestly about these experiences. That felt like a prompt to finally put fingers to keyboard. It is a painful scar in my life - one of those things that never really healed, but God knows.

19/8/2022 11:01:15 am

Thank you Nick for sharing some context. I never want to pry or cross boundaries. If you want to talk let me know. I hope you have good support around you.

19/8/2022 11:45:36 am

Thank you, Sandra. You are always incredibly kind. I'm aware that a stress for me at the moment is how to deal with the disturbance of a neighbour's barking dog. I moved home at the end of March in an attempt to find a place that's more peaceful and quiet. For the first few months, it felt like a dream...then a neighbour got a very loud dog that barks from 7am until after 11pm. I prayed and tried talking with him but got a very defensive response. Perhaps he felt criticised. The barking has really got me down - perhaps the resonance in the blog is with the loss of a hoped-for dream..?

19/8/2022 03:17:59 pm

God needs you here, Nick. Seriously.

19/8/2022 03:19:24 pm

Thank you, Sandra. I hope so. Jesus - I owe my life to him. 🔥🙏❤️

Elise Van Vessem

19/8/2022 11:59:14 am

We’ve spoken about this in the past so you know I can relate to this 💯. In the past, my anaesthetic was alcohol (and yes I still drink), but my healing came as a result of learning over the past year or so, that “life” didn’t just happen TO me. Whether or not I was aware, there was usually an opportunity for me to respond differently (even as a child). The real traumas (and resulting paradigms) were due to my inappropriate actions (or inactions) at the time, and the stories I then told myself 😭. Additionally, when I have replayed events in my mind, but as an objective onlooker, I’ve been able to identify alternative perspectives. Taking responsibility for my own actions/inactions has helped me disconnect my painful emotions from the events and thus prevent myself from going down the rabbit hole of despair.

19/8/2022 12:19:35 pm

Hi Elise and thank you for sharing so openly and honestly - as always. I, too, have sometimes found that taking personal responsibility has reduced that sense of life simply happening to me, as if I'm a victim of circumstance. On that theme, you may find this short piece interesting? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/choice

I think one of the challenges for me at age 15 and 18 was that I didn't have the emotional maturity or resilience to cope with what happened at that time. The experience was absolutely shattering and left such deep, painful scars that it has taken a lifetime to, at least, begin to come to terms with it. I'm still on that journey of recovery now.

19/8/2022 01:53:27 pm

Hi Nick. My challenge was believing that I had to deal with things on my own. Being an only-child to boot, resulted in a very lonely existence. Clinging onto anything and anyone who offered even the slightest bit of warmth was my ‘thing’ and the pain of rejection and/or abandonment was too much to process. My recovery began in 2020. Up until then, even the slightest trigger would send me into my dark place with my demons. Thankfully I no longer entertain suicidal thoughts.

In response to the blog, I believe we can have absolute control of our thoughts, feelings and actions (and results). However the key to this is awareness. Awareness of what we are thinking at any given moment. Our thoughts (conscious mind) generate feelings (+/-) and our feelings (in our subconscious) normally dictate what (if anything) we do about it. As far as your original post is concerned, when we find ourselves in a dark place, we need to check what we’re thinking about and either take time to process what’s going on or consciously decide to change our thoughts. What tends to happen is that it appears too painful so most don’t bother.

No-one likes to feel 💩 so have to numb the pain somehow. Those locked in depression often don’t know why and are only aware of being depressed. Digging deep will normally reveal their “poor me” narrative and the overall belief that they are damaged goods, that everything is hopeless, they can’t do anything about it, resulting in thoughts of “what’s the point of carrying on”. How do I know? Been there for 3.5 decades and have just clambered out of the pit.

19/8/2022 01:59:25 pm

Hi Elise and - again - thank you for responding so honesty from personal experience. It sounds like you are with William Glasser's Choice Theory in terms of how much control you believe we have over our thoughts, feelings and actions. I agree that awareness-raising can make a significant difference. I'm pleased you are out of the pit and no longer entertain suicidal thoughts.

Benoît Couture

19/8/2022 02:05:21 pm

"I find my spiritual hope in Jesus who (to me surprisingly, yet in a strange way reassuringly) carries the scars of crucifixion after his resurrection"

I'd like to address ""...yet in a strange way...". with... and yet, although the scars were there, no one could recognize Him, prompting Thomas to ask to verify for himself, which he was allowed to do, while Jesus could teach: "Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

His scars carry on because The Lamb goes on eternally, so that ours may disappear eternally by feeding on the Lamb Who Shepherds us with His flesh and blood ... "...for the Lamb who is in the midst of the throne will shepherd them and lead them to living fountains of waters. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.” Rev 7: 17

The feeding of His flesh and blood comes because
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ep+2%3A+4-9&version=NKJV

We have been seated together in Christ, in the past tense.

This is the blessed that Jesus points to Thomas, which came with the Holy Spirit, once Jesus was ascended and exulted. Honor bonds us eternally beyond death in the new nature of the second birth, in The Spirit of comfort...

19/8/2022 02:15:36 pm

Hi Benoît. As a follower of Jesus, I like your reminder that 'his scars carry on so that ours might disappear', along with that reassurance from Revelation that, 'God will wipe away every tear from their (our) eyes.'

Amy Ward

19/8/2022 05:52:31 pm

Scars can be a great testimony of God's strength in overcoming difficulties in your life if you look at them from a heavenly perspective.

19/8/2022 05:54:36 pm

Thank you, Amy. Well said. Some of my own scars are are more a testimony to God holding onto me and, somehow enabling me to survive..!

19/8/2022 06:21:27 pm

Mine too!

19/8/2022 06:31:43 pm

😎🙏💫

Peirong Lin

24/8/2022 07:58:04 am

"I find my spiritual hope in Jesus who (to me surprisingly, yet in a strange way reassuringly) carries the scars of crucifixion after his resurrection. Whatever I may go through now, this will not end in death." ... very profound. Never thought of this, but now that you have brought my attention to it, makes me like Jesus even more. Even in his perfect state, he did not think scars were something to be ashamed of.. it was even a witness to Thomas. Wow.

24/8/2022 08:55:58 am

Thank you, Peirong - and yes indeed!

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