Uncrossing the wires

22/8/2022

‘I know you believe you understand what you think I said but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.’ (Alan Greenspan)

Clarity. Simple in principle, not always easy in practice. Paradoxically, a significant challenge to communication is human language. Words intended to build a bridge can so easily create a barrier. We may use the same words but mean something different things by them or use different words to mean the same thing – and very often without realising it. Linguists explain that words are connotative as well as denotive. This implies that their meaning, the associations they hold and the feelings they may evoke can shift markedly depending on context, culture, tone and relationship.

We may say something in irony. We may tell a joke with a straight face. We may make a harsh-sounding comment with a glint in our eye. We may make subtle gestures that fill in the gaps in verbal conversation. According to Transactional Analysis, we may make a statement at one level with an intention and implied meaning that’s completely different to the literal. These nuances challenge the limits of neuroscience and artificial intelligence. As social construction expert Kenneth Gergen asserts, ‘Neurobiology can tell us a lot about a blink, but nothing about a wink.’

I facilitated an astute cross-cultural group of women last week who practised skills of curiosity and inquiry. Instead of responding immediately to what they thought another person had said or meant – for example, by a statement, phrase or word – they would test their own assumptions by actively exploring that person’s intended message and meaning. It created a dynamic of interpretation based on dialogue, in contrast to an instinctive reaction to words at face value. It took time, patience, and a commitment to hear and understand. Conversations became richer and relationships grew deeper.

It's trickier in online conversations. We can find ourselves subconsciously searching hard for non-verbal cues we would ordinarily pick up when together in the same physical room – yet all we can see is head and shoulders in a 2-dimensional screen frame. This is one of the probable contributors to Zoom fatigue. If you have seen the film ‘Thirteen Days’ (2000) based on the Cuban missile crisis, it’s an extreme opposite example of trying to decode hidden messages and intentions based purely only observation of another party’s actions. It’s Chris Argyris’ Ladder of Inference on steroids.

What approaches, tools and techniques do you use to ensure clear communication?

(See also: Crossed Wires)

20 Comments

Stella Goddard

23/8/2022 09:31:35 am

‘I know you believe you understand what you think I said but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.’ (Alan Greenspan)' What an excellent thought provoking piece Nick. Communication - what is it that we are communicating? Someone said 'we are never not communicating'

It occurs to me that on LinkedIn and other social media platforms we are often communicating via our keyboards without actually ever having met the other person or people we are trying to communicate with.

When I communicate this way I stop and say to myself 'remember you don't actually know this person, think about boundaries and the tone and intent of what you are trying to convey. '

I think this is a particularly difficult way to communicate because we can get an impression and it might be right - or not. What happens if someone is offended by what we say even if that was not our intention.

I think it takes tremendous courage to 'speak on here' on social media platforms.

Nick Wright

23/8/2022 11:20:00 pm

Thank you, Stella. You reminded me of Richard Marshall, my insightful line-manager when I worked at World Vision, who comments that, 'We are always influencing...but not always in the way we intend or hope for.' Awareness is key.

I like the way you pay attention to the person and to the nature of the relationship when framing comments on social media. That is so very different to simply saying what we want to say, in the way in which we want to say it, without any concern for the person or its impact.

My sense is that, in written communications, we often need to be more explicit about our intentions and meaning that we may need to be when face to face. It sometimes means 'narrating' our own communication as we write or speak.

This is one of the skills that the group of women I mentioned were working on last week - to say, e.g. 'I'm looking down at the moment because I'm jotting down some notes', rather than just doing it. This reduced the risk of, say, someone wondering why that person was looking away from them - and hypothesising.

I learned a lot from Richard Louis, a former OD colleague, who worked with groups of people who were blind. He would narrate explicitly every significant action that he or others made in the room whilst training so that everyone had a sense of what was happening in the room. It's a great skill.

I like the way that John expresses his intention explicitly in writing about Jesus in his gospel in the Bible: 'These are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.' (John 20:31). No hidden or unclear agenda there!

Lara Myers

24/8/2022 09:41:01 am

Hi Nick, I have to keep in mind that as a teacher of younger children I must always speak clearly and unequivocally. With older students it is more diverse, they understand jokes or irony and can already discuss it or apply it themselves. It is a lot of fun to see the development of the students.

24/8/2022 11:36:04 am

Thank you, Lara. I think that's a great illustration of how nuances in, say, humour, develop as we are exposed to the culture in which they are used. I remember, for instance, when I first moved to the South of England from the North, people often struggled to understand my sense of humour because they were unfamiliar with that cultural form of expression. (Having said that, it may have just been that I had a terrible sense of humour!)

Peter Bowes

24/8/2022 11:40:44 am

Thanks Nick. Now I have a better understanding of why communication breakdown happens.

24/8/2022 11:49:36 am

Hi Peter. Thanks for your encouraging feedback.

Daniel Anderson

24/8/2022 11:44:43 am

Hello Nick. I have a high-challenge style of coaching and consulting. I noticed a pattern that when I met with potential clients for interviews, I seemed to irritate them and they turned me down. I didn't understand why because I thought I was offering them something useful. I realised after you and I spoke that the missing ingredient was contracting. I hadn't asked them what they would find most useful from me.

24/8/2022 11:52:47 am

Hi Daniel. Yes, one of the principles I introduced to the small group I was working with (that I mentioned in the blog), was 'clarity + agreement = engagement'. Contracting and ground-rule setting can be a great way to reach explicit clarity and agreement - and, therefore, build understanding and trust - before launching into a task.

John (Norval) Settle

24/8/2022 12:00:04 pm

Good questioning practices help clarify and solicit feedback which may improve meaning for both persons.

24/8/2022 12:03:16 pm

Thank you, John. I think that shared meaning-making is a great way of framing conversations of this type. It's so very different to simply 'broadcasting' at each other.

Hannah West

25/8/2022 03:45:39 pm

Hi Nick. I like your emphasis on curiosity in your blogs.

25/8/2022 03:47:27 pm

Thank you, Hannah. One of my favourite expressions is that 'curiosity is an antidote to anxiety'. It invites us to lean in to an experience, rather than pull back and defend ourselves.

John Anderson

26/8/2022 09:55:45 am

Hi Nick. Your comment that 'Words intended to build a bridge can so easily create a barrier' really got me thinking. Do we rely too much on words?

30/8/2022 06:25:27 pm

Hi John. I think that's a good question. I first began to consider this whilst speaking with a social worker colleague in Germany. She had limited English and I limited German. As our attempt at conversation progressed, she commented that our language limitations seemed to be creating a barrier, because we were both struggling to find the 'right' words. In contrast, when we connected naturally at a more empathetic and intuitive level (perhaps focusing on each other more than on the words) communication and understanding seemed to flow more easily. I found that very profound.

Edna J. White

28/8/2022 04:29:47 pm

Honesty and truth. What's so crazy about what you saying is when you are clear and when you are honest and when you are truthful, people are set back by that. They'd rather hear a lie than the truth. Or maybe it just depends on who is coming from. I find the atmosphere to communicate has been very blurred and it's more systemic than we know.

30/8/2022 06:30:44 pm

Hi Edna. You reminded me of Stephen Covey (author of 'The Speed of Trust') who comments that, when trust is high, difficult conversations can feel easy. When trust is low, even the simplest of issues can feel difficult to discuss ( - my paraphrase).

Alexandra Niel, CHPC

30/8/2022 06:19:23 pm

Looking people in the eye and carefully choosing my words. I've also learned to be as direct as possible, without coming across as judgmental.

30/8/2022 06:36:40 pm

Hi Alexandra. That can be a useful approach in some cultures and relationships to help avoid the risk of dancing around issues or relating with hidden agendas. In some cultures, however, eye contact and directness can come across as confrontational, abrupt or rude. I was interested in Nancy Kline's approach (in 'Time to Think', if I remember correctly) who offered the example of sitting beside someone, facing the same direction as him or her, and discussing the issue in the spirit of something akin to a shared venture.

30/8/2022 10:58:43 pm

Hi Nick. I fully agree with you. I was primarily focused on the Western world since these are the folks I am most likely to engage with these days, but you make a great point. Whatever approach we use, we have to tailor it to the cultural needs of those we interact with.

31/8/2022 12:44:05 pm

Hi Alexandra. Yes, I agree - and thank you. :)