‘I know you think you understand what you thought I said but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.’ ‘I guess I should warn you, if I turn out to be particularly clear, you’ve probably misunderstood what I said.’ (Alan Greenspan) You may have had that experience of communicating something you thought was perfectly clear, only to discover that the other person got the completely wrong end of the proverbial stick. How is that possible? Was it something in what you said or, perhaps, how you said it that influenced how the message was received, distorted or misunderstood? Whatever the cause, when it does happen, you can both feel bemused, confused or frustrated – and the consequences can be difficult, damaging or dangerous. I want to suggest this occurs mainly as a result of mismatched beliefs, values, assumptions and emotions in four critical areas: language, culture, context and relationship. There are, of course, situations in which a person may wilfully misinterpret what you said or simply choose to ignore you. However, I’m thinking more here about when it happens inadvertently and out of awareness. It’s something about what influences (a) what we infer and (b) how we interpret, when we communicate – so that we can improve it. The language question means the same words can mean different things to different people, even in the same language group. The culture question means the assumptions I make appear obvious or self-evident in the groups or teams I belong to. The context question means I interpret what you say based on my own perspective and understanding of the situation. The relationship question means I filter what you say based on what I perceive and feel about the nature, dynamics and quality of our relationship. So – this where a spirit of inquiry can help: Check what the other has heard and understood. Notice the language they use. Be curious about their cultural and contextual perspectives. Sense how they are feeling. Build trust.
53 Comments
Ella van Zutphen
18/1/2018 11:55:03 am
Great article!
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Nick Wright
18/1/2018 11:55:34 am
Thanks Ella! :)
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Tatjana Tasan
18/1/2018 05:22:17 pm
Listen to understand, not to respond.
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Nick Wright
18/1/2018 05:23:53 pm
Hi Tatjana. We might say, listen first to understand...then respond?
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Larry Tyler
18/1/2018 05:24:45 pm
Great read.
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Nick Wright
18/1/2018 05:25:06 pm
Thanks Larry.
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Peter Cole
18/1/2018 09:06:37 pm
Useful Nick, I get this alot though I have been told I talk too fast!
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Nick Wright
18/1/2018 09:07:35 pm
Thanks Peter. You made me smile. :) Perhaps I should have included 'speed of speech' as a fifth critical area..?!
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Ofe Mad-Rocha
18/1/2018 09:08:52 pm
Well articulated Nick Wright, in addition -i believe perceptions and sensations takes conversation to another level. - I also see conversation as playing a guitar. Were there has to be a good melody to my 👂 ear or I'll reject.
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Nick Wright
18/1/2018 09:09:44 pm
Thanks Ofe. I like your music metaphor. What makes a 'good melody' for you..?
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Ofe Mad-Rocha
20/1/2018 03:51:47 pm
A conversation that entails ideas, imagination, and creativity on topics of my interest such us neurology, psychology, science, physics , etc if not my topic I'll probably end up like the guy on your picture.
Nick Wright
20/1/2018 03:52:21 pm
Thanks Ofe. Your final comment made me smile. :)
Razi Ghaemmagham Farahani
19/1/2018 10:22:15 am
Thank you.
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Nick Wright
19/1/2018 10:22:44 am
Hi Razi. You're welcome.
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Laurence d'Andlau
20/1/2018 03:45:20 pm
I like reading all your publications.
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Nick Wright
20/1/2018 03:47:07 pm
Thanks for such affirming feedback, Laurence!
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William Chadwick
20/1/2018 03:48:01 pm
Really good advice and insights Nick -thank you. Your focus on the cultural context is so important- words/tone/body language in communicating across the cultural divide needs careful attention. Thank you!
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Nick Wright
20/1/2018 03:50:28 pm
Thanks William. Yes, I find the cross-cultural dimensions most intriguing!
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Seth Conroy
21/1/2018 04:08:04 pm
Nick, I want to thank you for this read. Good timing for a situation. I think for my work, wrong assumptions and expectations are the main sources of conflict. Tatjana Tasan, listening to understand is a learned skill not taught except through life and mentorship. Thank you both for reminding me that many times my job is to listen for the big picture, ask questions for areas missed or need clarity, and not bring my own agenda into the picture.
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Nick Wright
21/1/2018 04:10:58 pm
Thanks Seth. I'm pleased you found it useful. I think your addition of mis-matched expectations is an important dimension too. I think it relates to culture, context and relationship. Clarifying and contracting around respective expectations can make a very positive difference.
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Funmi Johnson
21/1/2018 04:38:33 pm
Thanks for this really helpful piece Nick. I've found that my directness is sometimes perceived as rudeness where I currently live. I think that's definitely a cultural issue.
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Nick Wright
21/1/2018 04:41:55 pm
Thanks for your encouraging feedback, Funmi. Yes, navigating cross-cultural relationships and situations can be very tricky. I remember when I moved from the North of England to the South of England that, at times, people found my relative directness shocking and insensitive. I've had to learn over time to speak in more diplomatic terms..!
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Henriette Holmskov
21/1/2018 04:43:43 pm
I do like what I read Peter and Nick! And, trust is always good:)
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Nick Wright
21/1/2018 04:45:57 pm
Thank you, Henriette. On 'trust', you may find this related short piece interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/p-p-i-t-r-s
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Peter Fischer
21/1/2018 04:59:39 pm
Are thinking what I think your thinking? :) Great read. Thanks for sharing.
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Nick Wright
21/1/2018 05:00:03 pm
Thanks Peter. You're welcome. :)
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Dr. James E Groshong Sr.
22/1/2018 08:39:59 am
Very Nice and Easy to read too. Love the word picture you used.
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Nick Wright
22/1/2018 08:40:18 am
Thanks James! :)
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Jerry Gray
23/1/2018 09:46:31 am
Misunderstandings can be minimised if the person initiating the communication considers how the receiver is likely to interpret the message, and then focuses on the outcome they actually want from that process, rather than trying to perfect the 'clarity' of the message content. These considerations bring in your 4 critical areas, and clarity is actually a relative or subjective thing.
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Nick Wright
23/1/2018 09:54:43 am
Hi Jerry. I agree - especially if we already know something about the person and their circumstances. It's easy to become wrapped up in what we want to say, especially if we are feeling emotionally charged, and to not pay sufficient attention to what the other may hear or feel. You may find these short related pieces interesting?
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Allison Dolan
23/1/2018 12:27:29 pm
Not to mention the whole issue of non-verbal communication. Take a simple sentence such as "I didn't say Linda took the book" Now, read it aloud with an emphasis on a different word each time.
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Nick Wright
23/1/2018 12:29:47 pm
Hi Allison. Very true. I like to do the same with a prayer such as, 'The Lord is my shepherd.'
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Catriona Futter
23/1/2018 04:26:36 pm
Great article - you encapsulate very succinctly some of the real challenges and difficulties of communication. I just wrote a blog series on The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, that classic text by Stephen Covey, that I recently re-read. How much do we need to learn to "listen with a view to understand" - so often we listen autobiographically, and therein lies the risk of making assumptions, judgments and misconceptions.
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Nick Wright
23/1/2018 04:30:27 pm
Thanks Catriona. I like your use of the expression, 'listen autobiographically'. It reminds me of Susan Scott's astute comment that, 'All conversations are with myself, and sometimes they involve other people.' Do you have a link to your blog series that you could share here?
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Catriona Futter
24/1/2018 11:07:29 am
Delighted to! Starts here http://equipforlifecoaching.com/blog/page/2/ and then runs into January, with a couple of non related blogs in between. Would be interested in your comments - I have found this book hugely influential, and some of the work I do with teams (which you started me off on, thank you again!) uses many of these principles.
Nick Wright
24/1/2018 11:08:08 am
Excellent, Catriona - and thank you!
Astrid Davies
24/1/2018 10:19:02 am
Appreciate this post. Important points. And the Greenspan quote should get more airtime!
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Nick Wright
24/1/2018 10:19:28 am
Thanks Astrid - and I agree!
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Paul Dodd
24/1/2018 10:33:25 am
Hi Nick, superb definitions of thought. They go well with something I deliver to every class.
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Nick Wright
24/1/2018 10:42:57 am
Thanks Paul. You reminded me of a teacher I had at school who used to say, 'If you have nothing to say, say it.' It took me years to work out what me had meant! :)
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Kim Maree Lovegrove
25/1/2018 01:13:09 pm
It is very helpful if you have the skills to quickly profile a person and then speak to the 'personality' part of them that communicates most naturally. The success or failure of establishing rapport can be attributed to whether or not we are communicating in both a person's perceptual frame of reference & their favourite "channel". Everyone prefers their own certain channel. When this "channel" isn't offered to a person, they might not "communicate". The most important thing to remember is to pay close attention to the person's responses to make sure they are on the same channel you on.
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Nick Wright
25/1/2018 01:15:26 pm
Hi Kim. Interesting thoughts. Reminds me of NLP. Do you have any examples from experience you could share to show what your approach described here could look like in practice?
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Kim Maree Lovegrove
26/1/2018 10:56:00 am
Hi Nick, Whilst I do practise NLP I was mostly drawing on PCM - just wanted to quickly check in on this public holiday - i'll get back to you
Nick Wright
26/1/2018 10:56:52 am
Thanks Kim. What is PCM? I look forward to hearing more. Happy holiday! :)
Arina Scholtz
29/1/2018 09:24:37 am
A valuable lesson in Communication. Grateful for this one Nick. 🙏🏻
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Nick Wright
29/1/2018 09:25:18 am
Thank you, Arina. You're welcome! :)
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Martine Bolton
31/1/2018 06:46:31 pm
It's a wonder that we make it through the days without more misunderstandings really :)
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Nick Wright
31/1/2018 06:47:47 pm
Hi Martine. True! I wonder how many misunderstandings take place too without us or others having realised it...
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Venus Miller
19/2/2018 10:04:20 pm
Nick,
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Nick Wright
19/2/2018 10:06:11 pm
Thanks Venus. I think you describe well how complex communication is and, therefore, how easy it can be to misunderstand and/or be misunderstood...even if we don't realise it at the time.
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2/5/2023 01:31:17 am
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Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! Like what you read? Simply enter your email address below to receive regular blog updates!
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