NICK WRIGHT
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Sounds of silence

26/5/2015

46 Comments

 
'If you’ve got nothing to say, say it.’ As teenagers at school, we could always tell the teacher was annoyed when he would blurt out these words in exasperation. It was usually when the class was noisy, people chatting away excitedly but paying no attention whatsoever to the teacher at the front. I have to confess that, at the time, its subtlety was lost on us.

We would look at each other across the room, puzzled faces, mouthing silently, ‘It?’ Over many years working as leader, coach and facilitator, however, I have noticed, discovered, the real value of staying silent. As someone with a clear introverted preference, being quiet comes easily to me. However, the silence I’m talking about here isn’t quietness per se but silence as presence – active, engaged, being-with.

Often, silence is associated with absence, avoidance, withdrawal from. You can imagine, for instance, the stony silence that follows an argument or the silence of a bored colleague gazing out of the window during a team meeting. I know extroverted trainers who dread working with introverted participant groups because they find the silence deafening, impenetrable, debilitating.

The silence I’m talking about, though, is a deliberate space, choosing contact with another person or a group (or God) rather than filling that space with our words. It’s a silence that invites the other, assures the other of our attention and believes that that connection, that quality of relationship itself, can be transformative. It’s about offering ourselves – and believing that is enough.

When I first started out in my career, I was keen to make a difference through my efforts and concerned about how others would perceive me. I felt I had to speak to convince others of my worthwhile-ness, to show that I had something useful to say. It was all about displaying and asserting my own knowledge and experience. Over time, however, I discovered that my speaking was sometimes, paradoxically, counter-productive.

As a leader, it could inhibit others from speaking their own words. As a coach and facilitator, it could be a distraction, an interference. I realised that awakening and building the best in others often involves silence, listening, genuine curiosity and care. It entails pausing before stepping in, allowing the silence to do its own work.

My silence allows me to not-know. It allows me space to listen, truly listen, to the sound behind a person’s voice; the silent, vibrant, resonating sound of deeply-held beliefs and values, unspoken questions, hopes and fears. My attention, my presence, supports the other person as a human being, nurturing what is within to emerge, to rise to the surface and, in doing so, it affirms something of my own humanity too.

​Of course, silence itself is not the only quality that matters in our work. There are times where we do need to speak up, to share and show what we think, feel and believe. Nevertheless, silence can evoke the space, the environment, the conditions, the opportunity, for creative conversation, energetic dialogue and a dynamic way forward.
46 Comments
Robert Hodge
27/5/2015 09:52:18 am

Listening seems to be an increasingly lost art. We can hardly stand a "dead air."

The book _Quiet_ by Susan Cain notes that most western leaders today are extroverts while up until the 1900's, they were often introverts. Abe Lincoln could and did receive a letter, consider it for sometime, then write a thoughtful response. Today, there is so much pressure to craft a thirty second sound bite and to come to a conclusion with several bullet points. We have traded good listeners for extroverted celebrities.

In my coaching work, we often talk about 30/3s Thirty seconds, three minutes, thirty minutes, three hours, etc. I coach both fast responders and slower responders to "negotiate" the length of a response or a conversation so they can sync better with each other. Someone who wants a thirty second answer will stymie a person who believes that the answer requires three minutes, and bother the person who wants a faster response.

I often coach fast, analytical, extroverted people to wait five seconds before responding in a group discussion. Just five seconds, to allow others to catch up with them and maybe speak before the fast, loud voices kick in.

Timing of a question or response can make a huge difference, and it can get down to just a few seconds.

Reply
Nick Wright
27/5/2015 10:03:09 am

Hi Robert,

Thanks for such a thoughtful and helpful response. Yes, I agree that in contemporary Western culture we appear to consider extroversion as an attractive or essential leadership trait and look to leaders as something akin to celebrities.

I really liked your comments about pacing, synching and negotiating length of response. Also your comments about coaching fast, extroverted people to wait. A five second pause can feel like a brief moment to an introvert and an eternity to an extrovert.

I was working with one wildly extroverted leader recently and invited her to imagine using a chess clock to notice and navigate who speaks and for how long when she is engaged in a conversation. She decided to buy a chess clock to practice at home! :)

With thanks again and best wishes. Nick

Reply
Michael Farrell
27/5/2015 12:30:09 pm

Smart people tend to talk too much; wise people know to keep their mouths shut. In a new position, I try not to say anything consequential until I've been there at least a couple of weeks. One thing I have learned is that filling silence with noise is a mistake. Let somebody else fill the silence. Most of us can't handle more than 20 seconds of silence in a conversation. Try it.

Reply
Nick Wright
27/5/2015 12:31:46 pm

Hi Michael. 'Filling silence with noise is a mistake.' Wise words! With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Kay Buckby
28/5/2015 06:12:47 am

Hello Nick
I use silence consciously and it's a skill I've worked on. I found on a counselling course that attending enabled a much deeper conversation to happen - somehow, it encourages the speaker to go deeper.
As a facilitator, remaining in my quiet space when asked 'What do you think?' is a skill I have worked on. By attending and showing you are listening, often great debates emerge. learning is about inquiry after all - I'm there to enable that inquiry.
I've read Quiet - The Power of Silence in a World that Can't Stop Talking. It's a good read for people interested in silence in a very noisy world.
Regards
Kay

Reply
Nick Wright
28/5/2015 06:18:16 am

Hi Kay and thanks for such helpful comments. Yes, it's curious how much impact presence and attention can have with an individual or group. You reminded me of counselling courses I ran with a psychotherapist some years ago. He would deliberately use silence as a way of allowing (and, sometimes, provoking) insight, energy and habitual patterns of behaviour to emerge in the group. I, too, have had to learn to hold my own silence, especially in situations where I feel anxiety or pressure from the individual or group to intervene with words. Thanks for the book recommendation - I haven't read that one but I like the title! With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Kay Buckby
28/5/2015 09:49:18 am

Hello Nick
Yes, it's surprising how much more develops from silence.
The book is by Susan Cain. Worthwhile.
Regards
Kay

Pip Bruce Ferguson
29/5/2015 02:07:28 am

Hi Nick and Kay. I've not read Susan's book but recently read Eckhart Tolle's 'The Power of Now' and a while back, Thich Nhat Tranh's 'Peace is every step'. Both are good on mindfulness, being quiet and paying attention to what is happening.
I also read an interesting blog recently by Bruce McFarlane, the gist of which was that 'the academy' denigrates introverts in favour of extroverts. It was quite thought-provoking and made me way more aware of how I, as an extroverted teacher, tend to build in a lot of group discussion and group work that may favour extroverts over introverts. I'm re-thinking how I teach!
Warm regards
Pip

Nick Wright
2/6/2015 01:13:05 pm

Hi Pip. Thanks for such helpful comments. You reminded me of Susan Cain's short TED presentation on the Power of Introverts: http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts?language=en. One of my daughters who has a clear introverted preference found Susan's talk reassuring - her teachers keep telling her to speak more in class. I guess it's sometimes the difference between placing value judgements on introversion (or, equally, extroversion) vs learning to develop and use different kinds of social skills for different situations. Well done for reflecting on your teaching practice. Let us know what you try out and what happens! :) With best wishes. Nick

Derek Smyth
28/5/2015 06:23:03 am

Silence is usually taken as disengagement and disinterest. De Marco said "silence gives consent" and I believe that to be true also.

Reply
Nick Wright
28/5/2015 06:24:27 am

Interesting, Derek. Can you say a bit more about what you believe to be true in that? With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Derek Smyth
28/5/2015 01:15:35 pm

hello nick. Re-read the silence gives consent chapter and it comes from the legal system. If you don't say no then you have said yes. Imagine the guilty not wanting to confess against themselves.

If someone adds to the teams todo list and nobody complains we assume consent. Their silence gives consent; but in reality nobody wants to the nail that's hammered flat.

there is also the intentional awkward silence. The elicitation technique of not saying anything. The other party fells awkward with the silence wants to fill it and tells you more. :)

Martin Wilson
28/5/2015 07:36:14 am

Good 'active listening' , Nick ... asking for the 'feelings/belief' between the lines, so to speak ...

Reply
Nick Wright
28/5/2015 07:38:41 am

Hi Martin and thanks for the note. Yes, I think it's sometimes about listening for underlying themes, beliefs, values, feelings etc. that lie behind the words, the story. These are often subconscious for the client or group and coaching can play a key role in helping to raise them into awareness. With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Lisa DeGunya RN
29/5/2015 11:06:21 am

Amen Nick~ prayer in silence is important to hear God in the noise of the world. There is peace there. Thank you for sharing~

Reply
Nick Wright
29/5/2015 11:10:28 am

Hi Lisa and thanks for the note. Yes, I agree that prayer in silence is important to hear God. And yet, nevertheless, I often find it hard to find or create that silence within myself. On those occasions where I have managed to discover that silence, I have often discovered the presence of God there too. With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Lisa DeGunya RN
30/5/2015 03:43:19 am

Amen - knowing where to find the presence of God~ thank you for sharing. Have a great day~

Dr Luqman Rajput
29/5/2015 11:12:44 am

Not very well but am getting better, it felt very uncomfortable to me initially, - time to think a good text by Nancy Klein, helped me to understand silence and few other things.

Reply
Nick Wright
29/5/2015 11:15:14 am

Hi Luqman. Thanks for your honest words. Yes, Nancy Klein's Time to Think is a good and accessible text on this topic. With best wishes as you continue on your own journey into silence. Nick

Reply
Leckey Harrison
29/5/2015 11:18:37 am

When I ask clients what they are feeling in their body and emotions when they are tremoring. Also when we check in at the beginning of a session. I allow for a physical/emotional/cognitive inventory.

Reply
Nick Wright
29/5/2015 11:21:12 am

Hi Leckey. Thanks for the note. Yes, checking in - allowing space for the client to tune into what they are feeling physically and emotionally - as well as doing that for yourself too - can bring a very different level and quality of awareness and insight to the conversation. With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Elizabeth Burlingame
30/5/2015 03:38:25 am

I have been told that " silence is acceptance of any situation".... It makes sense. If you don't says anything, you must be ok with what you are hearing and receiving back.. Thanks Leckey.

Leckey Harrison
30/5/2015 03:39:53 am

You are welcome, Elizabeth.

Tonia L Derkos
29/5/2015 11:22:22 am

I am uncomfortable with silence, to be honest. I always feel the need to say something. However, I often ask my clients a question: "How do you feel about starting a new job after so many years?" Then I look at them and nod my head to show I am listening. However, silence can be intriguing. I like when people wonder what I am thinking sometimes. My husband calls it "A quiet confidence." That sounds pretty good!

Reply
Nick Wright
29/5/2015 11:25:55 am

Hi Tonia and thanks for sharing such honest reflections. Yes, it is curious how hard it can feel to stay silent, not to have to say something. Nevertheless, in my experience, silent presence can be a powerful intervention in its own right. I agree that silence can be intriguing. People with an introverted preference are often regarded by those with an extroverted preference as 'mysterious' - or frustrating! Yes, 'a quiet confidence' does sound good. :) With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Dr Jeff G Hart
29/5/2015 11:26:51 am

Silence provides learning by observation and listening. Most people don't do enough of this, due primarily to being conditioned by today's sociological "norms", which are "learned" emotions and behaviours - which is what defines emotional intelligence - "learned".
A good thing for any individual to "learn", is to learn how to be silent and listen to one's self (Do you every thing about what you think about?). After you learn how to listen to yourself, then you can learn, better, how to listen to others. Jung said the problem with man (woman) "today" is man/s psyche. Listen to yourself and learn about your own psyche - then you can better help others with their own psyche.
I think probably, "Silence is Golden".

Reply
Nick Wright
29/5/2015 11:32:28 am

Hi Jeff. Thanks for the notes. Interesting comments. You reminded me of a quotation I saw earlier today by R.D. Laing: 'The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change; until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds.' With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Gary Miller
29/5/2015 11:34:11 am

I find silence especially important when working with people from other cultures. Some cultures need more time to think about a response than others. The real challenge comes in when you have people from various cultures and managing the silence long enough for the people who need more time to have a chance to respond.

Reply
Nick Wright
29/5/2015 11:39:42 am

Hi Gary. Thanks for sharing such stimulating insights on culture(s) and silence. I too find it intriguing how different cultures value and use silence as a pattern of relating. In some cultures (especially in South East Asia), I have noticed how silence and listening is often associated with wisdom and respect. In contemporary Western cultures, we seem implicitly to value extroversion over silence. As you say, it creates a challenge when working together in cross-cultural groups. I would be very interested to hear of any experiences you have had in this area and how you managed to do it! With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Steve Atkins-Linnell
29/5/2015 12:48:12 pm

Great article. The space of silence I find gives respect to others and as Jeff says allows you to really observe others and learn. Often in silence you learn mor than when participating. Silence is what you yourself Nedd to be comfortable with, not others. Thanks.

Reply
Nick Wright
29/5/2015 12:52:32 pm

Thanks for your encouraging feedback, Steve. Yes, we can offer our silence, presence, listening as a sign of respect and as a means of learning. It's as if we are honouring something of the other, not simply projecting ourselves onto them. And, as Jeff emphasised, it's a learned art. With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Dr Jeff G Hart
29/5/2015 01:14:08 pm

Nick and Steve, Thanks for your comments. One final thought - I have worked much with Indigenous Tribal people, on reservations in the USA. When other University faculty (or whomever) ask me about wanting to "partner with the Tribes", I talk about building trust and relationships. One of my findings/recommendations from my Indigenous Tribal Leadership research was, "When you go there, expect to Learn at least as much as you Teach."
Cheers!
Jeff

Reply
Nick Wright
29/5/2015 01:15:37 pm

Hi Jeff. What a fascinating life experience!! A great attitude to learning too. With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Dariusz Gebarowski
1/6/2015 02:30:29 am

Silence is powerfull. It gives the client time to think, it allowing him to start feel uncomfortable and start to realy think and work towards his solutions. At the beagining I feel strange using silence, it looks like I did not have a question to ask. Now I recognise it as powerfull way to ad meaning to questions.

Reply
Nick Wright
1/6/2015 02:57:09 am

Hi Dariusz and thanks for the comments. Yes, silence can enable the client to think without interference or interruption from the coach. I agree that silence, for some people some of the time, can feel uncomfortable and that the discomfort itself sometimes allows fresh insight and ideas to emerge. It can also feel uncomfortable for the coach. Thank you for your honest reflections on how it felt for you in the beginning. I too have had that experience, especially with individuals or in cultures where coaches are implicitly expected to act as mentors. With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Gabby Parker MCIPD
2/6/2015 12:56:30 pm

As an extroverted coach and facilitator the use of silence has been the most challenging for me but also the most powerful ! I now always introduce the power of silence in coaching and performance management training . So many managers when coaching ask some great questions and then when the silence happens they assume they need another question, and fire in another one, not recognising that silence can mean a great question followed by great thinking . Whilst I am never going to be a Nancy Kline , just recognising the power of silence in my coaching and facilitation has made such a difference to me !

Reply
Nick Wright
2/6/2015 01:04:53 pm

Hi Gabby and thanks for such honest reflections! Yes, I do feel for extroverts, especially those who process their own thinking by speaking-out-loud. The silence of people who process differently can feel mystifying or anxiety-provoking, prompting further questions. I guess the skill is in discerning, with the coachee or group, when they are doing great thinking and when they are, say, disengaged or stuck. Great to hear how you have consciously incorporated silence into your coaching and training. I'd love to hear some examples of how you've used it and what happened. With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Mariam Nazarudin
2/6/2015 01:07:04 pm

This was one of the early lessons I learnt in my coaching modules. Not easy for me to do and I continue to have to be mindful about it as my day job as a HR practitioner was always operating in the "telling" space.

I so totally agree with all that you've written on how powerful silence can be as a tool, hence my continued effort to master it (for it to be more natural within my coaching conversations).

Thank you for an insightful post.

Reply
Nick Wright
2/6/2015 01:16:59 pm

Hi Mariam. Thanks for such helpful comments and for your encouraging feedback. I know a number of HR professionals who experience similar struggles, especially since they often expect themselves to provide expert advice and others place that expectation on them too. Perhaps it means that HR professionals need to contract very explicitly with clients when engaging in coaching to ensure that both parties are clear and in agreement about what part each person will play in the process. I'd love to hear more about how you have learned to manage it! With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Mariam Nazarudin
16/6/2015 02:26:19 am

Hi Nick

Contacting is key to managing expectations -- I do find this a critical step when establishing a new coaching relationship.

My coaching practice is with internal colleagues/employees -- this is the context of my experience.

I always start by having the coaching client define his/her understanding of what coaching is to them. We then discussed what they would like our particular coaching relationship to be like -- more directive,less directive or a flexible mix of both. I find this helpful in managing myself and in support of what the client needs. This relationship can be visited at any time as it is client-driven.

I also have learnt that to truly bring out the best in my coaching client, the solution has to be coachee/client led (positive psychology/solution-focused approach). This is helpful for me to bear in mind as a HR person so that I can quiet-down my inner desire of 'telling'; and really be in the moment to listen and understand.

Finally, respect and believe in the coaching process that it is a journey of discovery for the coachee and a privilege for the coach to witness and being brought along; and that through non-judgement and open-mind the journey can be savoured.

I hope this helps explain my coaching approach.

Patrick Trottier MS I-O Psy
3/6/2015 03:57:30 am

Lots... "One has to have a quiet mind to listen loudly"... the old man in the park...

Reply
Nick Wright
3/6/2015 03:57:56 am

Great expression, Patrick! Could you say a bit more about the old man in the park? With best wishes. Nick

Reply
Patrick Trottier MS I-O Psy
3/6/2015 01:22:54 pm

'the old man in the park' is just an expression I use rather than quoting myself... which, in this culture, does not sit right with most...

I sincerely like all that you stated in your writing... and I especially appreciate your statements -especially the first six words:

"My silence allows me to not-know. It allows me space to listen, truly listen, to the sound behind a person’s voice; the silent, vibrant, resonating sound of deeply-held beliefs and values, unspoken questions, hopes and fears. My attention, my presence, supports the other person as a human being, nurturing what is within to emerge, to rise to the surface and, in doing so, it affirms something of my own humanity too."

Wise words, my friend...wise words...

Nick Wright
3/6/2015 01:24:41 pm

Many thanks for such encouraging feedback, Patrick. Kind words, my friend...kind words... ;) With very best wishes. Nick

Katy Steinkamp MEd MFT
3/6/2015 01:26:41 pm

Hi Nick,
What a beautifully written reminder of an important and necessary skill.
The “ART” of being quietly present with another. Thank you.
Katy

Reply
Nick Wright
3/6/2015 01:27:23 pm

Thank you for such kind and encouraging feedback, Katy. You made my day! :) All the best. Nick

Reply



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    ​Nick Wright

    ​I'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? ​Get in touch!

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