Choice

3/7/2020

‘Did you just fall?’ ‘No, I was checking if gravity still works.’ (Meggy Jo)

‘You are responsible for everything that happens to you.’ That’s a bit extreme, isn’t it? This was the opening line of some motorcycle training I signed up to last week. I have owned 24 bikes and been off 19 times but some of them definitely were not my fault. At least, I didn’t think so. The training is challenging me to think very differently about my own part in what happened – what I knew or didn’t know; what I was feeling; the various choices and decisions I made; the actions that led to a crash.

This is similar to psychiatrist William Glasser’s ‘total behaviour’ in Choice Theory. Glasser proposes that everything we ‘do’ (i.e. thoughts; actions; feelings; physiology) is a dimension of chosen behaviour. He argues strongly that we have a high degree of direct control over our actions and thoughts and a fair degree of indirect control over our feelings and physiology. It’s a radical idea, offering a vision of far greater personal agency and responsibility than many of us would imagine possible.

If I genuinely have choice over what I do, I am also capable of choosing something better. It means no more ducking and diving, attributing what happens in my life (or on my bike) solely to others or to circumstances. I can’t control everything, but I do have an influence over what happens next and how. This kind of awakening can feel liberating and scary, and often calls for real humility and courage. What are you willing to take responsibility for? How do you challenge and support choice in others?

48 Comments

David Harrell

3/7/2020 09:16:21 pm

Sometimes, it’s a hard pill to swallow.

Nick Wright

3/7/2020 09:16:55 pm

Hi David. Indeed. Can you say more..?

Gwen Griffith

3/7/2020 11:44:50 pm

Oh I needed to read this today! Starting to make real changes and work out more. Ever since I badly broke my right wrist 2 December’s ago, and wrecked my right elbow in a fall this past Christmas Eve, I’ve gotten soft. My muscle tone is waning, I’m less active. In each case I was not looking where I was walking : in one case I was speaking with friends and looking at them as we walked; the second, I was admiring the setting sun on a church window. But in each case the sidewalks were very uneven and had significant divots in the cement.

Sigh

Gwen

3/7/2020 11:49:37 pm

Thanks Gwen. Sounds like you have had some nasty accidents! I need to get a grip too. I returned to motorcycling a couple of weeks ago after quite a few years without one - and discovered to my horror and embarrassment that my leather jacket will no longer fit around my waist. It was a helpful jolt, reminding me that I need to be more disciplined on diet and exercise..! I have made some unhealthy choices, without having paid sufficient attention to that, and now I choose to change.

4/7/2020 03:28:34 am

The planning is really helpful in change efforts, I’m finding.

I spent time in May really assessing, researching, buying great walking sneakers.

4/7/2020 10:31:33 am

Hi Gwen. Yes, planning can help. I find that taking my first concrete steps gets me moving too. I remember when I first started my own freelance practice. I had been thinking about it for some time but it was only when I went out one evening and printed some business cards that it became real.

Sara-Louise Goode

4/7/2020 09:04:00 am

I find this is always a difficult subject with clients. Accepting ‘responsibility’ often makes them think of ‘fault’ it isn’t about fault it is about our ability to respond... therefore we are always responsible for what happens in our lives. Food for thought x

4/7/2020 10:56:10 am

Thank you, Sara. I like your framing of 'ability to respond' because it brings agency and responsibility into the same idea. I find similar discomfort, to that which you mention, around the word 'accountable'. In some arenas, it can carry cultural connotations of threat: 'You will be held accountable for this.'

The area in which I often find greatest push-back in coaching and training is that of radical choice. Glasser's style ('Reality Therapy') was highly confrontational at times on this point.

For example, if someone says, 'I am miserable in this job', he might say, 'Yet you choose to stay here.' The person is likely to respond with something like, 'But I have no other choice.' Glasser might respond with, 'You do have other options - but you are choosing not to take them.'

If the person were to persist with 'I have no other choice', Glasser might respond with something like: 'You can't yet see or imagine alternatives; or you are unwilling to choose alternative courses of action because you believe that, to do so, you would lose the upsides of your current situation; or you fear that the potential downsides of the alternatives are not worth the risk.'

Interestingly, one of the methods he used to press home this point was to teach clients to use active verbs instead of adjectives; e.g. 'I am trapping myself in this situation' rather than 'I am trapped in (or by) this situation'. I worked with a psychotherapist colleague who was trained by Glasser. Her style was certainly impactful!

In case of interest, here is a short recent piece that applies Glasser's approach: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/isolationship

Clau Garciah

4/7/2020 04:17:04 pm

First: I love the subtitle!!

Second: Glasser's statement is strong and I kinda believe the same, but I would love to talk to him to hear his reasons for this. Do you have his phone number 😅? Great article, Nick, made me think hard to write this simple answer. Have a great weekend!

4/7/2020 04:24:01 pm

Thank you, Clau! 😃 Sadly, Glasser died in 2013. His books are still worth reading; e.g. Reality Therapy (1965) and Choice Theory (1998). You can see a simple recent application of Reality Therapy here: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/isolationship

Felicity O'Hanlon

5/7/2020 10:11:15 pm

Viktor Frankl, an Austrian neurologist, psychologist and Holocaust survivor said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
It is scary to take responsibility especially when we feel others have done wrong to us and in the moment we might not think we have a choice or we just give into reacting. I value my free will and my ability to think of solutions but when I haven't known what to choose or reacted poorly I have found it helpful to speak to someone who is skilled at creating a space to help me think about what my choices might be. Some of the reasons why we don't make a choice can be painful to face...

5/7/2020 11:11:24 pm

Hi Felicity.That's an excellent quotation from Frankl. I remember thinking some years ago when I first heard it, that I would have dismissed it as impossible had it not been spoken by someone who had first-hand experience of suffering at the hands of the Nazis. Yes, it can be helpful and empowering to have someone help us see options and make choices. 'Some of the reasons why we don't make a choice can be painful to face...' Profound indeed.

Claire Atkins

5/7/2020 11:21:14 pm

"You always have a choice" is an easy tip. It is a long way to go from implementation, starting with thoughts about possible alternatives to implementation. From my own experience, I only do this when the situation is so unbearable that my health is at risk or I am ready internally to want to make a fresh start.

5/7/2020 11:35:48 pm

Hi Claire. You reminded me of an idea in change leadership that people are often only motivated enough to make radical choices and changes if (a) they hold a vision of a better future that they find convincing and compelling or (b) they are standing on a 'burning platform' with no real alternative but to move.

Claire Holden

9/7/2020 12:29:20 pm

Nick, this is so powerful and such an important perspective as we all live through Covid-19 which has made so many of us aware of what we can't control. I love this reminder that although there are always external factors that we can't control, we are always responsible for our response. Thank you for the reminder "If I do have choice over what I do, I am capable of choosing something better. "

9/7/2020 12:36:36 pm

Thank you, Claire. Yes, in my experience, so many perceived limitations of choices available are reflections of limitations in beliefs, thinking or imagination; or indeed what we are willing to do. These short related pieces may be of interest?

http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/possibility
http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/get-a-grip

9/7/2020 06:24:25 pm

Thanks. Will check them out.

9/7/2020 06:24:45 pm

Hi Claire. You're welcome.

Sid Joynson

9/7/2020 05:15:07 pm

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you, as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you, as the way your mind looks at what happens." Kahlil Gibran.
We are not victims of the world we see; we are victims of the way we see the world.

9/7/2020 05:19:46 pm

Hi Sid. You have reminded me of two related quotations: ‘We don’t see things as they are but as we are’ (Anaïs Nin); and 'The map is not the territory' (Alfred Korzybski).

Sevan W.

9/7/2020 06:17:48 pm

Our thoughts manifest perfectly consistently without failing good or bad. Why not choose a good thoughts🙂
I almost can see the last thought went through your mind seeing the image “I am loosing control”. Golf is a game of instant manifestation just as racing. The results never fail to match ones thoughts.

9/7/2020 06:20:50 pm

Hi Sevan. That's an interesting thought. Here's an alternative perspective: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/intuition

9/7/2020 06:42:43 pm

Nick, intuition is one of the mental functions that we all have for perception. For some of us are more developed inborn then others. Regardless ones strength or weakness rather it is when being used. Any mental function used in stress state will lead to undesired outcome. Check out my visual posts, not much for words but the images have more science to it.
My intuition being my second inborn function it says your are on a right path😀

9/7/2020 06:48:30 pm

Hi Sevan. Thank you for the stimulating reflections. I'm not sure I would agree that intuition is a mental function - although it may depend on definition of terms here. I'm also not sure that thinking always precedes action or behaviour. Here are a couple of pieces that may be of interest? The first is a case study based on Gestalt; the second, a case study of a leader who acts before thinking:

*Just do it: http://www.nick-wright.com/just-do-it.html
*A Radical Heart: http://www.nick-wright.com/a-radical-heart.html

Raqaba Sebai

9/7/2020 06:22:58 pm

What was the answer, Nick?

9/7/2020 06:23:20 pm

Hi Raqaba. To which question..?

Benjamin Hellmoldt

9/7/2020 07:39:38 pm

Been riding for some 30 years. While I might have lost my balance one or twice, never dropped a bike. When I owned and ran a company eating out customized Harley Davidsons, always qualified my riders for ability. While I never asked for specifics like drops or accidents, I found discussing riding style and what the rider was expecting from the ‘heavy metal’ benefited as both. While I had a few ‘accidents’ only one was an aggressive rider, others were ‘uncontrollable circumstance’.

I believe assuming your the person to be held accountable for *any* results might seem unreasonable, it’s a way to better mitigate risk. Assuming that other drivers, or riders have a certain level of accountability for you is asking for the inevitable to occur.

9/7/2020 07:48:31 pm

Hi Benjamin. You certainly have a better track record than me. My first 8 accidents were in my first 3 months of riding - mostly sliding off in deep snow or on black ice. I had the bike but I didn't have the know-how, experience or wisdom. I hadn't yet learned what to look out for or how to navigate it safely. I agree, placing our lives and safety in the hands of 'circumstances' or others is far riskier than taking hard personal responsibility and accountability for ourselves.

John (Norval) Settle

10/7/2020 08:23:47 pm

This is consistent with the value of resisting the too-easy label of "victim." Sometimes, wallowing in victimhood is mainly of benefit to politicians or service providers who want to use you. The core mediation value of "self-determination" encourages people to recognize that they have the right, power, and obligation to make choices of their own -- even when they have been "victimized".

10/7/2020 08:25:24 pm

Hi John. You reminded me of Karpman's Drama Triangle in Transactional Analysis. Are you familiar with it?

10/7/2020 09:58:35 pm

I dimly remember "TA," Nick, but, no, I'm not familiar with that particular!

10/7/2020 09:59:27 pm

Hi John. If of interest, here's a simple 5-min video intro. It can be a very useful tool in e.g. coaching and mediation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7e7vv6tHTE

Ian Henderson

11/7/2020 10:12:44 am

I am reminded of Chic Murray who fell over while intoxicated. When asked by a policeman if he was drunk Chic replied, "No, I'm trying to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket". Comic genius!!!

Brilliant piece by the way Nick!

11/7/2020 10:13:28 am

Thanks Ian. 😄

Mark Kunze, Ph.D.

15/7/2020 01:19:34 pm

Ah yes, that moment just before the ground comes up and smacks you hard. I've been there. In those cases, yes, an internal locus of control will help one get back on the bike. However, there are cases, where another individual, or event, is actually responsible for what happens to you and an external locus of control is more adaptive. We individualistic westerners don't like to think that way though.

15/7/2020 01:20:46 pm

Hi Mark. I'm intrigued. Do you have any examples from experience vis a vis internal locus of control vs external locus of control that you could share here?

15/7/2020 02:06:23 pm

Hi Nick, most certainly. Most of the time I operate from an internal locus of control - that is I believe that I am responsible for what happens to me, cause and effect as it is, life's rewards are due to my actions. However, during a pandemic, such as the one that we are in right now, it is more adaptive to view the current events as something beyond my control, even something caused by an outside power. An external locus of control is more adaptive for victims of oppressive regimes as they often really cannot control what happens to them. There's a locus of control test available here: http://www.psych.uncc.edu/pagoolka/LocusofControl-intro.html#:~:text=People%20with%20an%20internal%20locus,generally%20outside%20of%20their%20control.

15/7/2020 02:11:17 pm

Hi Mark. Aaah...I remember now from cross-cultural studies some time ago. It's very pertinent to my work with international non-governmental organisations (INGOs). Thank you for sharing the link. I'll take a look!

Anthony Vaughan

17/7/2020 11:58:27 am

This is a great post. I think it can be very hard to take responsibility for every single choice or action we make. By accepting this, we open ourselves up to what we might consider our flaws. Integrity comes not only when we do the same thing in private as in public, but also when we really accept our responsibilities for our actions.

Great post.

17/7/2020 12:06:36 pm

Thank you, Anthony, for your affirming feedback. Your comment, 'it can be very hard to take responsibility for every single choice or action we make' reminded me of existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre's comment: we are 'condemned to be free'. If everything we do really is an outcome of a choice we make - and we could genuinely make other choices - it can create, for us, a heavy feeling and burden of responsibility. I like your definition of integrity. It reminds me of the Arbinger Institute's 'Leadership and Self-Deception' (2006. Are you familiar with it?

17/7/2020 12:21:06 pm

Nick, thank you. I think that it is something that we don’t really accept because of that burden which comes with accepting responsibility. It is always easier to place blame with someone else but when you drill down into the events and decisions made, we do hold ultimate responsibility for our own actions.

Steven Covey sums it up well with the Circle I’d Control, and circle of influence. By accepting what we can control (ourselves) we can increase our influence.

I haven’t seen that from the Arbinger Institute, I will have a look later today.

17/7/2020 12:28:28 pm

Thanks Anthony. That's an interesting link with Covey's circles of control, influence and concern. When I do coaching and training in this area, I often encounter considerable resistance to the notion that we can increase our circles of control by recognising the choices we are making and the power or agency we have to make different choices.

Here's an example. A person says, 'I hate my job'. I could respond, 'Yet you choose to stay.' The person responds. 'I have no other choice.' I may respond, 'You do have other choices, but you don't like the implications of those choices.' William Glasser was high on challenge on this point. It made him deeply unpopular in some circles - but he also had a remarkable success rate with people who felt 'stuck'.

Neill Hahn

18/7/2020 04:07:34 am

Another thought provoker, Nick. I think it's important to differentiate between Blame & Responsibility, although the 2 concepts get interchanged in use. Taking responsibility is very empowering, rather than a burden. If it's not me in charge of my decisions, then who is it that I am placing in control ... and expecting a good outcome from? Any other person, is a scarey thought to me, so I am mystified when I see so many people think their outcomes are someone else's responsibility. Blame, on the other hand (in my long-held observation) is what people do, to fill in time until they think of something intelligent to do. Cynical perhaps, but as it is practiced, blame is dis-empowering to the blamer. When you find out who is to blame, so what? What problem has been solved, apart from who to keep clear of perhaps? The common expectation seems to be that if we just find who's to blame, something will be fixed, but that really means "I have determined that you are someone I can't trust, so I now make you responsible for putting things right." Aren't there better things you can do with your time?

18/7/2020 12:07:09 pm

Thank you, Neill. Interesting reflections. Your final comment 'Aren't there better things you can do with your time?' made me smile. :) I agree that there are important distinctions between responsibility and blame. The former can be constructive, the latter destructive. Here are links to a few short pieces that resonate well with your comments on this theme:

*https://dramyjohnson.com/2010/12/responsibility-vs-blame/

*https://transformative-therapy.com/the-line-between-blame-and-responsibility/

*https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/enlightened-living/201003/taking-responsibility-versus-taking-the-blame

18/7/2020 01:07:27 pm

Nick, thanks for the links. I look forward to having a read.

18/7/2020 01:08:16 pm

Hi Neill. You’re welcome. 😃

Krystle Kustanovich

21/7/2020 10:24:14 am

I had such a giggle when I saw the line "I was checking if gravity still works" hahaha. I love the distinction between direct and indirect control. I find that so many of my choices are automated from past experience so it doesn't necessarily "feel" like a choice. Lovely reflection to have while I was reading and a great reminder to bring some actions back into my consciousness! Great sharing! Thank you.

21/7/2020 10:31:53 am

Thank you, Krystle. Yes, that quotation made me smile too! I like your comment, 'so many of my choices are automated from past experience so it doesn't necessarily "feel" like a choice.' I think that's very true. We make many of our decisions intuitively, instinctively or in default auto-pilot mode - in such a way that it doesn't feel like a choice at all. We may also make choices driven by what we perceive as irresistible external pressures and demands so that it doesn't feel like a genuine choice either. It's as if we had no other viable (or desirable) options. In my experience, this is where Glasser's work can be so powerful - and evoke such resistance.

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