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A good ending

8/1/2022

16 Comments

 
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‘Good endings make sense, evoke emotions like contentment, anger, sadness, or curiosity, shift the person’s perspective or open her mind to new ideas. Good endings bring the person to some kind of destination.’ (Alex J Coyne)
​

Lilin Lim, my sister-in-law, reads the back page of a novel first to decide whether it looks like the story is worth reading. There’s something about a good ending that can make whatever went before it feel worthwhile – the time, effort or, at times, struggle to get there. Think back to your own life and work peak experiences: e.g. birth of a child, achievement of a desired promotion or qualification, overcoming of a disability or fulfilment of a dream that, perhaps, felt hard at the time yet worked out well in the end.

Conversely, think back to seminars, workshops or meetings you have taken part in that didn’t result in anything remotely meaningful to justify the investment. Academic Peter Cotterell commented satirically that, similarly, many lectures and articles can feel like, ‘a plane in the sky that takes off well yet finds itself circling in the clouds and can’t find a way to land.’ Stephen Covey said, ‘Begin with the end in mind’, a perspective that resonates well with the biblical idea of an end-revelation to draw us forward.

This same principle applies in coaching and action learning. If we open a conversation with questions such as, ‘In relation to X, where do you want to be an hour from now?’ or ‘Of all the things we could spend the next hour doing together, what, for you, would make this time well spent?’, it can help ensure an explicit sense of focus and purpose from the outset – and raise into critical awareness Gary Rolfe’s movement towards an ending: the ‘Now what?’, before considering the ‘What?’ and the ‘So what?’

David Clutterbuck suggests ending this type of conversation with an invitation to the client to reflect and summarise for him- or herself, using a simple 4xI framework: ‘What are the Issues we’ve talked about; what are the Insights that you’ve had; what are the Ideas that we’ve generated; what are your Intentions now?’ It’s a consolidating technique that can enable a sense of learning and closure for the client and a transition into action. It helps to avoid the risk of a session simply...fizzling...out.

Rosie Nice poses useful grounding questions: ‘Are there any other dimensions you would like to explore before moving into actions? Would it be helpful if we were to consider some questions to help you think through what actions you might take? What’s the main thing you are taking away, having had opportunity to think this through?’ Sue Murkin ends with: ‘Given what you know now, how will this impact on your work? How could you see yourself using this? What will you do now?’

How do you avoid perpetual drift or an abrupt crash landing? How do you create a good ending?
16 Comments
Janet Lucas
8/1/2022 12:09:46 pm

Peter Cotterell - one of my most inspiring lecturers at LST!

Reply
Nick Wright
8/1/2022 12:10:44 pm

Hi Janet. Yes - he was amazing!! ⭐️

Reply
Richard Simpson
9/1/2022 02:10:16 pm

Hi Nick - Happy New Year et cetera. Reflecting on the 'ending' can be a powerful tool for how we spend our lives too. I remember coaching a cancer nurse who struggled to hold on to her compassion because her job was so stressful in ways that 'interfered' with the basic task of looking after her patients. I adopted Covey's mind experiment of inviting her to see herself in her coffin, her life on this earth expired. In our final session, I asked her if there was a single thing that stood out for her in everything we talked about. Seeing herself in her coffin, she said, was the single most powerful thing she took away from our sessions. Death gives a new perspective on all the minor irritations of our lives, our jobs, our relationships. The Stoics were big on death - memento mori (remember death) being one of their epithets. I know you will have many Christian allusions to bring to the party too. Much coaching instruction, imo, veers away from existential considerations - emphasising strengths and positivity and ignoring the other side of reality. But iIf we know and acknowledge the ending of our life story (we will all die) then we can make better informed choices and priorities to lead a more meaningful life on our own terms.

Reply
Nick Wright
10/1/2022 11:33:12 am

Hi Richard - and Happy New Year to you too! Thank you for sharing such a deep - and sobering - example from coaching experience. You reminded me powerfully of these 2 scenes from the iconic film, Dead Poets Society - which you prompted me to watch again just now:

*Seize the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vi0Lbjs5ECI

*What will your verse be? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7OE6bDfM2M

In my experience, it's too easy to become distracted by day-to-day issues, interests and concerns and to lose sight of the bigger picture: the spiritual-existential questions and answers that lead us towards a more profound sense of identity, meaning and purpose in life.

On this theme, you may find some of the e-resources on this website interesting? For example: Existential Coaching; Sense of Destiny; Spirituality in Coaching. https://www.nick-wright.com/e-resources.html

Reply
Richard Simpson
10/1/2022 03:33:45 pm

Thanks Nick - I'm so humbled that my response inspired you to re-watch one of your favourite films. And thanks for the e-resources too. Best wishes.

Nick Wright
10/1/2022 05:21:06 pm

Thanks Richard. I LOVE that film! :)

Jenny Good
10/1/2022 09:59:45 pm

I love the concept of, "Where do you want to be an hour from now?" because that's what makes coaching so remarkable... that we can choose to be a better version of ourselves in 5 minutes, in an hour... right now. How curious and hopeful is that?

I like to ask, "How will this impact the way you choose to show up tomorrow/this week?"

Reply
Nick Wright
10/1/2022 10:03:41 pm

Thanks Jenny. I love the way you expressed that. I like your ending question too. 'How will this impact the way you choose to show up...?' I've been reflecting recently on how I show up when working with clients. I've jotted down 3 words on a piece of paper that I now glance at as a prompt before entering a conversation: Prayer, Presence, Participation.

Reply
Wanda Thibodeaux
10/1/2022 11:32:23 pm

As a writer, I can appreciate this one. :)

Reply
Nick Wright
10/1/2022 11:33:11 pm

Thank you, Wanda. 😃

Reply
Jen Davis
11/1/2022 05:35:07 am

I think this way of framing the whole process for each individual in a context that relates to them is very important. Otherwise they will be left wishing the instructor would hurry up and get to the point because they do not relate to the content.
This is particularly true when delivering a session that is mandated by their employer. Even if ,initially, all they hope from the course is to ‘get it over with and have the boss stop nagging me to do this’, you then have something to work with.
‘Why do you think it’s important for you to do this course?’ ‘How does this relate to your work?’ Etc

Reply
Nick Wright
11/1/2022 09:01:39 am

Thank you, Jen.

Yes, I will tend to frame a training event, in conversation with the participant group, around 4 key areas: 1. Why this, why now? 2. What do we need to pay most attention to (content-wise)? 3. How shall we do this? 4. What do we need from ourselves and each other to give and get the best from this?

If a participant group has been sent to training and would really prefer not to be there, I will engage with the group (with the purpose, focus and parameters of the event as a backdrop) around, for instance:

'Given that we are here today, let's have a conversation about what would make this worthwhile for you', or, 'If we were to do something really useful for you today, what would we be doing? Let's work together towards that.'

Reply
Robert Hodge
11/1/2022 09:51:11 pm

This approach to goal-oriented coaching, strategic planning, systems management... just seems so right to me. It is how I was educated and trained. I had our little girls set up goals to achieve over the summer and helped them learn how to manage their time towards those goals, anywhere from learning about penguins to collecting gently used bibles for others to use (the goal was 40, she collected 400!)

Still, after 9/11 I realized that we tend to assume that we can understand if not control the future. A bad assumption in a VUCA (Volatile, Uncertain, Complex and Ambiguous) world. I have tossed most of my strategic planning techniques and assumption.

Enter Appreciative Inquiry, beginning with a broader vision and direction, but focusing on the tools and resources available today, what is working, and doing or using more of that. It is a much more opportunistic approach, focusing more on Key Result Areas and less on Key Performance Indicators. Agile, with its sprints, fits well with Appreciative Inquiry in that the results of a sprint can usually be obtained within a timeframe that is less susceptible to radical change.

I find that outside of the West, many cultures have always used a version of Appreciative Inquiry.

Reply
Nick Wright
11/1/2022 10:04:13 pm

Hi Robert and thank you for sharing such interesting reflections and experiences. Your daughter deserves a medal in my book and I'm intrigued to hear more about what and how she did to achieve such an amazing outcome! :)

Yes, VUCA and its successor BANI remind us that some of our previous assumptions vis a vis predictability, strategy and planning no longer hold true, especially at macro-systemic levels as well as at more local and personal levels.

I'm a great fan of Appreciative Inquiry and use it in many dimensions of my coaching, training and OD work. Your mention of Agile sprints reminded me of adaptive approaches too. These short related pieces may be of interest?

https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/dazed-and-confused
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/tactical-adaptive-leadership

Reply
Robert Hodge
12/1/2022 03:45:32 am

Nick, BANI is new to me. I must go ponder it a bit. Thank you. Not to get too hung up on acronyms and models, but some solutions to BANI issues remind me of what I have used with the cynefin framework. Perhaps you can help me connect the dots between the two as one sounds like a description of the environment and the latter sounds like a framework for problems in a BANI world.

On the collection of Bibles - my 8 year old simply shared her goal with several people who then gave her unused Bibles from their shelves, often duplicates or other versions. They then told their friends who rummaged through their church lost and found. One organisation had several boxes of brand new Bibles left over from a fundraising initiative.

The intended lesson was to set a goal with milestones and time frames, then to manage the process to completion. The unintended leadership lesson, for her and for me, was to engage others to share if not own the goal themselves, creating a movement of people more than support for her. Do I dare suggest a spiritual lesson that the Lord blesses and resources what He asks people to do?

Nick Wright
12/1/2022 04:08:32 am

Thanks Robert. I had heard of Cynefin but not looked at it. You prompted me to Google search and read this article that I found interesting: https://hbr.org/2007/11/a-leaders-framework-for-decision-making.

I can see resonances between Cynefin and BANI, with the latter perhaps emphasising the phenomenological dimensions more explicitly; e.g. human psychological and existential experience..?

Your daughter's approach reminds me of the power of people, passion and partnership to stimulate and influence change in the world - to which I would definitely add prayer. God can make possible what is and appears impossible.




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    ​Nick Wright

    ​I'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? ​Get in touch!

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