 ‘Should I stay or should I go?’ (The Clash)
Buridan’s Ass: a paradox in which a hungry donkey finds itself standing precisely midway between two identical stacks of hay. Vacillating with indecision because there are no grounds for choosing a preferred option, the poor donkey starves to death. Whilst often used in philosophy to debate issues of free will vs determinism, this allegory also serves as a graphic illustration of ambivalence. ‘Ambivalence is simultaneously wanting and not wanting something, or wanting both of two incompatible things…Take a step in one direction and the other starts looking better. The closer you get to one alternative, the more its disadvantages become apparent while nostalgia for the other beckons.’ (Miller, W. & Rollnick, S., Motivational Interviewing: Helping People to Change, 2013). We may experience this tug-of-war viscerally when faced with important and equally-compelling choices between X and Y in, say, relationships, careers or other significant life decisions. We may, likewise, experience a paralysis of analysis, a type of over-thinking if multiple options are available to us yet with no unequivocally-convincing reason to choose one course of action over another. Ambivalence can leave a person procrastinating, ineffective, drained and frustrated. It’s as if relative pros and cons balance out and leave us stuck. So how to break the deadlock and enable a change? Here are some ideas. 1. Enable a person to step back from the immediate decision to see a bigger picture. ‘What’s more important here: to make a choice, or to choose one option over another?’ 2. Ask the person: ‘What’s your intuition or gut instinct telling you, irrespective of whether or not you can see a rationale for it?’ 3. Help the person to explore different and broader perspectives: ‘Which option would e.g. God, your CEO, your team, your family or yourself 5 years from now, prefer you to take?’ 4. Support and challenge the person to take a decision and to stick with it. How do you deal with ambivalence? Do you feel stuck? Get in touch!
24 Comments
Kelly Nowocien
13/3/2021 04:04:11 pm
Great advice as usual Nick. In addition to the big picture view/different perspectives (similar to the idea of the 10/10/10 rule) and gut feeling you mentioned, what also works for me is remembering how our brains work. They will often serve us the answer "I don't know" in order to keep us safe because when we stay stuck in confusion, we can't take "risky" action. So I ask myself/clients "what if I/they did know?" and see what comes up in that space. Another method I like is to check which type of energy (love/fear) lies behind the choosing of each potential option, the first gives us power whereas the second depletes us of energy.
Nick Wright
13/3/2021 07:54:45 pm
Many thanks, Kelly. I really like your additional ideas! The 10/10/10 approach reminds me, in some ways, of Fred Nickols' Goals Grid (https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/choose-wisely). The 'What if I/they did know?' reminds me, in some respects, of the Miracle Question in solutions-focused work. Exploring the emotion behind each option can be powerful too. When once faced with a difficult dilemma, my mentor asked me, quite simply, 'What's your greatest fear?' It was a transformational moment for me.
Kathrin Hoffmann
13/3/2021 08:01:28 pm
As a teacher I had to decide whether to go to a new grade or stay in my grade. Unknown and greater expectations from parents and headmasters, a lot of working hours and pressure to perform versus familiar processes, security and more time for me. But I quickly knew my decision. I wanted to keep my class until the exams. And trusted in God's help.
Nick Wright
13/3/2021 10:11:11 pm
Hi Kathrin and thank you for sharing an example from personal experience. It sounds like you weighed up the relative pros and cons and quickly came to a decision that reflected what mattered most to you in that situation. I'm curious. Have you faced a decision where the pros and cons felt balanced in such a way that it felt much harder to make a decision either one way or the other?
Kathrin Hoffmann
13/3/2021 11:24:44 pm
I was once asked a question that I knew if the answer was "yes" it could mean trouble. A "no" would be easier. But it wouldn't be honest. So for a while I thought about what is important to me. I could lose a friend if I answered honestly. Losing this person would hurt me very much. So should I risk a "yes"? If I answered dishonestly, everything would be fine. But it wouldn't feel right to me to have said "no". One principle in my life that is very important to me is honesty. So I gave the honest answer and there was indeed trouble. But inside I felt I had made the right decision.
Nick Wright
13/3/2021 11:40:26 pm
Hi Kathrin and thank you for sharing so honestly. The situation you described sounds like the kind of dilemma where ambivalence can become a reality. I was interested to see how you broke the potential impasse by focusing on your deeper values. It sounds as if, by doing so, your values helped to tip the scales in favour of a decision, rather than becoming stuck.
Sandy Lintz
17/3/2021 09:07:17 pm
The last time I was ambivalent (couldn't decide between two life-changing options) it took me a month... I went with my gut and emotions over logic. No regrets. I didn't think of this as being ambivalent - just torn and tortured by indecision. It was a huge relief to finally decide.
Nick Wright
17/3/2021 09:10:20 pm
Hi Sandy. Wow - 'torn and tortured by indecision' - what a great and graphic description of how it can feel if stuck in that place! I'm pleased you found a way to create a shift - gut and emotions over logic. Yes, I can imagine the relief.
Rafael E Escobar Yara
17/3/2021 09:11:15 pm
My first option is to consistently take action on some and measure the impact. However, this is not always applicable as decisions can have important consequences.
Nick Wright
17/3/2021 09:15:21 pm
Hi Rafael. I too have tended to live by the principle that any decision is better than no decision. I too am trying to discern more what God's perspective and will might be before making important decisions. Sometimes that brings a greater picture into view. Sometimes, it can lead to more ambivalence, if I'm unclear or unsure what God's perspective might be!
Penelope Overton
18/3/2021 08:51:35 am
I recognise the paralysis of indecision - worse when in a place of high anxiety, and occasionally so fixed that there is nothing on a rational plane that will fix it. Sometimes just reading Robert Frost's The Road not taken (https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44272/the-road-not-taken) is enough to remind me that a) I'm not alone in this and b) it's the way of the world.
Nick Wright
18/3/2021 08:56:42 am
Hi Penelope and thank you for such an honest, personal response. Yes, anxiety can often make decision-making far more difficult...and you are certainly not alone in this! I haven't read 'The Road Not Taken' and you've sparked my interest to have a look.
Penelope Overton
18/3/2021 09:09:10 am
A poem is often a surprisingly helpful tool!
Nick Wright
18/3/2021 09:10:25 am
Yes, I have read it now. It took me back to reading M. Scott Peck's 'The Road Less Travelled.' :)
Liam M. O'Hara
18/3/2021 08:58:27 am
It is important to follow your instinct when making decisions, however, there must be a clear line of reasoning and a focused directive.
Nick Wright
18/3/2021 09:02:22 am
Hi Liam. Thanks for the note. In my experience, instinct sits close to intuition. I often have an intuition, yet don't (at least at that point in time) have a clear line of reasoning...yet, in many situations, my intuition has proved vital.
Liam M. O’Hara
19/3/2021 08:03:38 am
Agreed!
Nick Wright
19/3/2021 08:04:22 am
😃
Chrissy Sawyer
18/3/2021 09:03:12 am
Thanks Nick, thought provoking indeed! For me it's about getting grounded into the body's natural intelligence, its gut response, the intuition and the inner truth of me. It's Soul level knowing. Silence and inner journeying can get me quickly to the heart of actually 'what do I want?' and 'who am I in this?' or 'what's my motivation in this?' When this true truth erupts from my innate self it comes with the inherent challenge too! e.g. I might find I'm pursuing something meaningless because I got stuck in a cognitive process that serves an outmoded belief structure and the inherent challenge will be to drop it or refine the approach to better match my truth and in doing so, perhaps disappoint someone. And there's the growth! 😂
Nick Wright
18/3/2021 09:08:00 am
Thank you, Chrissy. So much of what you described here resonates with my experience too. 'Soul-level knowing' is, for me, like 'spiritual discernment'. On the theme of 'the body's natural intelligence, its gut response...' you may find this Gestalt coaching case study interesting? https://www.nick-wright.com/just-do-it.html
Tracey Watson
24/3/2021 10:23:18 am
Love this, having a good thinking circle around you helps to see things from all angles.
Nick Wright
24/3/2021 10:25:04 am
Thank you for such warm and affirming feedback, Tracey. If you'd find it useful to have an OD thinking partner from outside of your circle, do get in touch! 9/4/2021 10:35:38 pm
Cool topic;
Nick Wright
10/4/2021 12:57:52 pm
Thank you, Erv. :) Leave a Reply. |
Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! 
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