‘Just ask the question.’ (Sonja Antell) A key skill in coaching and action learning is simply to pose a question. Adding pre-amble before a question, or post-amble (as one action learning participant aptly named it this week) afterwards, is one way of establishing rapport and sometimes credibility by adding background and context to a question. We may hope, too, to communicate empathy and soften the hardness that a short, succinct question alone could convey. Here’s an example of pre-amble: ‘I can identify well with the situation you are describing today. I’ve been in similar situations too and it reminds me of some of the challenges that I faced then. Given that experience, if I were to ask you a question now, I think I might ask…’ And of post-amble: ‘The reason for my asking this question is that sometimes people in the kind of situation you have described find it useful to consider…’ That’s OK, right? Yet imagine this. The person who is being coached, or the person presenting during action learning, is often engaged in an intense thinking journey, grappling internally with a challenge or struggle and seeking to make sense of it in order to move forward. A simple question can feel like a useful, light-touch nudge, a prompt, a possibility. Pre- or post-amble can distract the person, feel like interference and disrupt the flow. So how to handle the relational and cultural risks of being too direct? How to avoid coming across as abrupt or rude? This is best addressed at the contracting and ground rules-setting stage. Helpful key questions to reach clarity and agreement from the outset include, ‘What are we here to do?’ and ‘How shall we do this?’ Then, as we step back periodically to review our work together, ‘What are we doing well?’ and ‘Even better if..?’ [See also: Claire Pedrick: Simplifying Coaching (2020)]
18 Comments
Lesly
23/2/2023 08:37:00 am
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Nick Wright
23/2/2023 07:12:04 pm
Hi Lesly. Thank you for sharing so honesty from personal experience. Yes, directness can be experienced in one culture as the most efficient method of communication. In another, it may be viewed as dismissive of important relational conventions. I read an interesting blog on LinkedIn this week by Liu Liu, a former colleague from China, who compared and contrasted the relative values of 'respect' and 'truth' in Western and Asian cultures. It would be fair to say that I'm still learning..!
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Arman
23/2/2023 02:28:08 pm
Hi Nick
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Nick Wright
23/2/2023 07:13:24 pm
Hi Arman. You're welcome. I think that an interesting analogy from the world of architectural design to wider life and communication. Thank you for sharing it!
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Philippa Anderson
23/2/2023 07:16:24 pm
I find it really hard to just pose a question in the way that you describe, Nick. I work as a clinical psychologist and I offer what you call preamble as a way of creating relational safety for the client, and - on reflection, now that I think about it - to perhaps justify my reasoning for posing a question that the client may experience as challenging.
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Nick Wright
24/2/2023 01:55:43 pm
Hi Philippa. Thank you for posing such an honest and thought-provoking response. I work in the psychological coaching and action learning arena (rather than therapy) and notice that if I create sufficient psychological safety during e.g. contracting, 'getting to know you' activities, check-in etc, I'm able simply pose questions without the need to add pre- or post-amble.
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Andrew Walker
23/2/2023 07:19:16 pm
Great article, Nick. I need to think about this more. When I'm working with a coachee, I'm sometimes focusing more on what I want to say (that I think they will find useful) than on what might be going on for them in that moment. I need to be more focused on the what may be going through their mind than on what's going through mine.
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Nick Wright
24/2/2023 02:00:29 pm
Thank you, Andrew. I can relate to that! I remember that, during my psychological coaching studies/training, I once coached a peer while a tutor observed. She said afterwards that I appeared to be trying too hard to remember the theories and models we had learned in class in order to apply them well in that situation. In doing so, I risked losing contact with the client. Her advice was to focus on the client, go with my natural intuition, and trust that, somewhere in the background, what I had learned would subconsciously influence my thinking and practice. I found that insight and guidance revolutionary for my coaching work!
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Felicity Fraser
23/2/2023 07:21:05 pm
Hello Nick. I like your ground rules and review questions. They sound coactive and appreciative. I like that!
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Nick Wright
24/2/2023 02:01:31 pm
Thank you, Felicity. Yes - that's the idea and the intention. :)
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Graham Lambert
23/2/2023 07:23:06 pm
Love the quotation from Sonja Antell Nick. Keep it short and simple. That's good advice. Things go wrong when we try to get too clever or make things too complicated.
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Nick Wright
24/2/2023 02:03:26 pm
Thank you, Graham. Your comments resonate well with Sonja's approach, and the insights and ideas expanded upon in Claire Pedrick's excellent book that I reference at the end of the blog.
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Daniel Wong 黃達瑜
24/2/2023 05:11:08 pm
As a coach, we need to be sensitive to the Direct/Indirect communication Cultural dimension of our coaches.
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Nick Wright
24/2/2023 05:12:43 pm
Hi Daniel. Yes, I agree - and well said.
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Reydonoel "Don" Medio
25/2/2023 06:22:43 pm
I agree, asking the right questions and knowing the real concern/problem :)
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Nick Wright
25/2/2023 06:23:21 pm
Thank you, Don. :)
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E.G. Sebastian - CPC, CSL
26/2/2023 06:48:32 pm
Powerful thoughts,
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Nick Wright
26/2/2023 06:49:26 pm
Thank you, E.G. - and yes, indeed.
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Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! Like what you read? Simply enter your email address below to receive regular blog updates!
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