‘Empathy is the starting point for creating a community and taking action.’ (Max Carver) I had a long conversation with a Kurdish-Iranian man recently about his experience as a refugee in the UK and the ongoing wait for news that his wife will be allowed to join him here. With a warm smile of anticipated relief, he shared his hopes of building a new life in this country where he and his wife can finally feel safe and free. Yet then he touched his heart with his hand and his face shifted to a pained expression. He shared his sadness that he can never feel truly happy and at peace, knowing the oppression that his family, friends and neighbours are still living under in his home country. I was moved by his empathy and, at the same time, impressed by his stance that under such difficult and protracted life circumstances, he had not become so focused on his own situation that he had lost sight of others. It is, after all, a human risk that, when faced with challenges such as high anxiety and stress, our survival instinct can take over and turn us in on ourselves, absorbing us with our own needs and interests – a bit like when the body reacts to an external shock or threat by diverting its resources inwards to protect its vital organs. It’s a form of defensive flight to save ourselves first. How do you hold onto empathy...to love...when natural instinct may push or pull you to withdraw?
14 Comments
Kathrin Hoffmann
11/2/2024 10:17:33 pm
Hi Nick, I am a teacher and empathy is a value that we want to convey to the children in the classroom from the very beginning. They are often very self-centered and only their needs and well-being come first. Sometimes they hurt their classmates through words or actions and don't even realize it. Therefore, we have to gently show them what just happened here and how the other child is feeling now.
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Nick Wright
12/2/2024 11:47:30 am
Hi Kathrin and thank you for sharing from your experience as a teacher. It's good to hear how you seek to develop values and behaviours including as empathy from such a young age. I've noticed how some people seem to be naturally empathetic, whereas others seem to need to learn it. Do you find that with the young people you work with too?
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Kathrin Hoffmann
12/2/2024 02:49:00 pm
There are also very empathetic characters in children, while others don't notice any effects of their behavior. For example, there is a boy who is very careful about his choice of words, while others are not careful about what their words might do.
Nick Wright
12/2/2024 05:18:09 pm
Hi Kathrin. You have reminded me of the perpetual nature-nurture debate. I wonder how much empathy is born out of genetic disposition (e.g. personality) and how much out of learned experience and choice (e.g. character)...
Arman
11/2/2024 11:01:44 pm
Hi Nick
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Nick Wright
12/2/2024 11:44:24 am
Hi Arman - and God bless you too. I'm sorry you had such a similar experience. I love comment that empathy can help to reduce the pain. That is so true. I was intrigued by the connection that you made between empath and a clear conscience. I'd like to understand this. Could you say more..?
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Arman
12/2/2024 01:03:32 pm
Yes, sure. I said this word by translating it from my language and I am not sure if it is right in English or not! But I want to say that those who have a fair view of people and completely understand them in their situation can have empathy. Specially you experienced many cultures in Asia that help you understand them better. But maybe doesn't matter for someone else what happened to someone. A clear conscience helps us to have empathy with others. And I think this kind of feeling helps us to feel human!
Nick Wright
12/2/2024 05:21:19 pm
Thank you, Arman...!
Irene Taylor
12/2/2024 12:04:19 pm
Good blog, Nick. I often over empathise and get myself stressed. That's why I need supervision as a social worker. At the opposite end, I sometimes get so overwhelmed that I cut off and then don't empathise enough. It's not an easy balance. How do you do it?
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Nick Wright
12/2/2024 05:24:17 pm
Thank you, Irene. I can certainly identify with what you experience. Many years ago now, a supervisor commented that I risked stepping so far into others' shoes that I could inadvertently step out of my own. I had to learn to step back in order to retain sense of perspective and avoid vicarious trauma and stress. I still don't always find it easy to keep a healthy balance.
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Angela Hardwick
12/2/2024 12:07:46 pm
Hi Nick. I never thought about that likeness to the body's response before. That makes sense. That means we need to overcome our natural defences or act in spite of them. Or sometimes to forgive ourselves if it's OK to withdraw.
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Nick Wright
12/2/2024 05:27:55 pm
Hi Angela. To be honest, I had never thought about that either until I started to write the blog. I think your comment, 'we need to overcome our natural defences or act in spite of them. Or sometimes to forgive ourselves if it's OK to withdraw' demonstrates the kind of wisdom we need to learn as we try to navigate such complex life experiences and relational dynamics.
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Hannah
12/2/2024 12:12:46 pm
I find I best hold onto empathy by often reminding myself that everyone has their own complicated lives and struggles that I have no idea of. As an example, if I’m doing my shopping and someone walks right in front of me with their trolley, instead of feeling annoyance I think how they might’ve been deep in thought about something going on in their life and not noticed their surroundings or how they might be looking for an item to buy that’s essential to them. It’s important to stay aware of the lives around you, not just your own and remember that you never know what awful struggles the people you pass by may be facing. Thank you for this blog, it’s important that showing empathy is not forgotten!
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Nick Wright
12/2/2024 05:31:22 pm
Thank you for sharing those insightful and helpful words from personal experience, Hannah. You are certainly one of the most naturally empathetic people I know. Your reflections on the supermarket experience resonate well with those of David Foster Wallace in this brilliant short article: 'Plain old untrendy troubles and emotions': https://www.theguardian.com/books/2008/sep/20/fiction
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Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! Like what you read? Simply enter your email address below to receive regular blog updates!
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