Catharsis

14/1/2017

Have you tried reasoning with someone when they’re feeling intensely emotional? It’s hard to think clearly, think straight, when we’re stressed. Some brain research says it’s almost impossible. When we’re stressed, we flick out of reasoning mode into fight-fight-freeze mode. The brain gets flooded with chemicals that are intended to enable us to survive an emergency, a crisis. Trying to hold a rational conversation with someone in that state can be like pouring fuel onto a chemical fire.

Cognitive behavioural psychology points us helpfully towards some signs that a person may be in that kind of emotional place. For example, they may be speaking in very black-white/either-or terms, unable to see nuances or alternatives in a situation. They may be assuming intentions in others or predicting outcomes with unfounded certainty – as if they know the future for sure. Physically, they may be struggling to rest or sleep, missing meals or avoiding normal patterns of social contact.

The vivid image that comes to mind for me is that of a lot of dust being kicked up into the air. Until the dust settles, we are unable to see clearly. This is a reason why leaders who try to lead change and transition as a purely rational-technical process often encounter greatest resistance or other attitudes or behaviours they consider irrational. It’s also a reason why coaching and training may fail if the coach or trainer doesn’t take the client’s or group’s emotional state into account.

So what, if anything, can we do to address this? We can offer time and space for people to feel and process their emotions. ‘How are you feeling as we talk about this?’ As the person or group talks, the dust often settles enough for them to start to make sense of their experience and to see and discuss the beginnings of a way forward. We can also offer empathy and support. ‘What do you need?’ It values and respects the person or group and shows care, responsiveness – and standing-with.

72 Comments

Janice Taylor

14/1/2017 02:56:39 pm

I can really see the value of sharing this analogy with clients, when they are going through their own 'dust storm'.

Nick Wright

14/1/2017 02:57:31 pm

Thanks Janice. I have shared it with a number of clients over the years and they have often found it useful to make sense of what they are experiencing in the moment.

Sue Sanford

14/1/2017 02:58:24 pm

Hi Nick, this has been very timely for me today, talking to a friend who is currently feeling so hurt and betrayed emotionally that nothing I would normally ask in a coaching situation helps . At the moment I need to just be and let her feel what she is feeling until , as you say, the dust settles a little .

14/1/2017 02:59:29 pm

Thanks Sue...that is encouraging. Your approach to your friend sounds wise to me.

Anna-Mari Siekkeli

14/1/2017 03:00:24 pm

I can wait the dust to settle enough but as a coach I prefer active tools. Question showing respect are good.

14/1/2017 03:01:36 pm

Thanks Anna-Mari. That's OK...as long as we are aware that sometimes our application of our active tools can create more dust!

15/1/2017 03:15:35 pm

I agree. Awareness is the key :)

15/1/2017 03:16:02 pm

Dr. Anita Pickerden

14/1/2017 05:29:49 pm

Very true. Thanks for posting, Nick.

14/1/2017 05:30:29 pm

Thanks Anita. You're welcome.

Jackie LeFevre

15/1/2017 03:17:16 pm

Now you know what I am going to say before I say it - if the person has an interest in exploring their values to a deeper level then proper (not quick quiz type) values profiling can be transformational. By being able to wrap words around what are (otherwise) abstract, emotionally rich ideas that are channelling our perceptions and meaning making in our unconscious, we can make the intangible tangible. Certain values are the source of the wind that raises the dust. When we can see them we can begin to ask 'why' that matters so much and resolve the tensions. The values that raise the dust are in our 'Foundation' and the good news is we have other values in our 'Vision' that make the sun shine through.

15/1/2017 03:23:28 pm

Hi Jackie. Yes, I could guess... :) Thanks for sharing such vivid imagery. I particularly like the notion of values as the source of the wind that raises the dust and how this touches on deeper 'why' questions.

Cath Norris

15/1/2017 03:25:06 pm

Noticing what's happening physically can also be a big help - the body can help us to feel more grounded and provide us with a lot of support in accessing and processing what's been stirred up. Physically embodying what's happening quite literally us to 'move' what we are experiencing.

15/1/2017 03:28:10 pm

Thanks Cath. Yes, I agree. I will sometimes invite a person to show me how they are feeling rather than to describe it. I may mirror their physical response which, at times, enables them to see themselves and what they are feeling in a new light. I love ideas in Gestalt too, e.g. an invitation to a person to experiment (e.g. exaggerate) the physical to see what emerges to the surface for them as they do it.

16/1/2017 04:11:10 pm

Yes Nick, amplifying can be really powerful in whichever channel they're expressing through - visual, vocal proprioceptive etc and encouraging exploration in as many channels as possible can give a really full connection, expression and insight.

16/1/2017 04:13:46 pm

Wow, Cath - "proprioceptive" is a new word for me! Do you have an example of what it looks like in practice?

Ravi Kanadia

15/1/2017 03:29:55 pm

So true Nick it is an Eye opener for many ... must read for those who are emotional... you have rightly pointed out everything.

15/1/2017 03:32:06 pm

Thank you, Ravi. In my experience, we are all emotional...although different people may feel and express their emotional states and experiences differently. Would you agree?

Gabriella Poly

17/1/2017 08:48:04 am

Yes, on the right path. Emotional processing and releasing is the therapeutic intervention. Though, the psychologists and other professions are required to feel comfortable and set up an environment where the individual is allowed to feel through their emotions and release them...this means punching bag round to release anger, to drop into sadness grief...these are intense causal emotions...which many in the profession may not be ready themselves to even feel.

17/1/2017 08:49:37 am

Thanks Gabriella. I think what you describe is one reason why supervision to develop reflective practice can be so important and valuable.

Robert Hodge

17/1/2017 08:52:25 am

Nice. Seems like I always like your posts.

Emotions may be better engaged by a counselor rather than a coach as their background is often quite personal and based on history. Yet there is an appropriate overlap.

My silence comes to my mind first. To let the person talk through his/her issues, to vent, to get it all out. I may ask questions to keep the person going, and not shutting up or bottling the emotions us.

We may talk about alternate ways to perceive or frame the situation. We try to empathize with others within the tough situation, if there are others.

I have used a double fudge Oreo as a prop. The heavy issues are in the middle - the topic at hand, and how it is being handled. These are bounded by relationship on one side and identity on the other.

Often, we focus on the middle, logical, systematic stuff while the real issues are about relationships and identity.

17/1/2017 09:00:18 am

Thanks for your affirming feedback, Robert. :)

My sense is that, as coaches, we do well to engage with the client's emotion (and our own) so long as our role and intention is clear. It can be valuable and revealing for the client and shed useful light on their beliefs and values, prevailing culture etc.

A risk is that we find ourselves drawn into a therapeutic role that may lay outside of the contract and/or our areas of expertise. This is where coaching supervision can be prove criticall.

I like your emphasis on listening silence...and your Oreo-as-metaphor. Very creative! I agree that the issues a client may present are often related to deeper or wider issues such as identity and relationships.

Susan Bryan, MA

17/1/2017 09:01:13 am

IMO, some of the most important skills we have as coaches are de-escalation skills. I always teach my clients to recognize their own F/F/F mode so they can recognize when they are reacting emotionally and then I teach them skills to shift into Observer mode, so their intelligence can kick back in and they can communicate - including listening. Here are a couple of articles I recently posted on this very topic:

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/survive-thrive-susan-bryan-ma?trk=pulse_spock-articles

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/lets-make-2017-less-reactive-year-susan-bryan-ma?trk=pulse_spock-articles

17/1/2017 09:16:00 am

Hi Susan. Thanks for sharing links to such insightful and useful articles. I think de-escalation can be important area of awareness and skill for both coaches and clients.

I too work with clients to learn to speak from an observing place: 'What's I'm noticing...', 'What I'm aware of...' It can enable constructive conversations and break through impasses. e.g. in teams.

Psychologically and culturally-speaking, de-escalation can also sometimes represent a fear of conflict or a desire to avoid high levels of emotional arousal and expression.

This is where Gestalt coaching can be very different to, say, a cognitive behavioural approach. The Gestalt coach may work with the client to amplify emotional expression rather than 'calm' it...to see what emerges that may be valuable for the person or group.

In my experience, high quality supervision (high in support, high in challenge) can be very valuable for coaches to help them reflect on the motivations, hopes, fears etc. that may underpin their practice.

17/1/2017 08:11:29 pm

Well said Nick. I just finished reading a few articles on working with the shadow too. To me, especially in a non-therapeutic, coaching situation, the art is in finding the balance between deep work and moving forward, I think this comes with experience.

17/1/2017 08:13:15 pm

Thanks Susan. You are reading and writing interesting material!

Marie-Nicole Schuster

17/1/2017 12:30:39 pm

Hi Nick, good insight. An understanding of Neuro based coaching goes a long way.

17/1/2017 12:31:28 pm

Thanks Marie-Nicole. Do you have any examples from neuro-based coaching that you have found particularly useful?

Paul A Coulter

18/1/2017 10:14:01 am

"I am never upset for the reason I think"

I am either responsible for how I feel (cause) or something or someone outside of me is responsible (effect). Sometimes auditory or kinesthetic learning styles need to express themselves out loud to gain clarity. The job of the coach is to discern wether the coachee is just venting to gain a broader understanding, expressing pain or stuck in the Problem House. Our job isn't to reason with them about anything unless we're wanting to create more resistance. Some of my resources helpful in gaining a broader personal perspective are ACIM link, Gary Zukav and Abraham-Hicks, Mike Dooley and Kyle Cease on you tube.

18/1/2017 10:24:24 am

Hi Paul. I agree with you that 'what is going on here?' is so important. If a client expresses strong emotion it may cause an inexperienced coach to panic...whereas it may be simply the client expressing how they are feeling, enabling the client to think more clearly. In my experience, this can be a particular challenge when coaching cross-culturally. Some cultures are far more emotionally expressive than others as part of a normal way of relating.

Mandy Worrall, Apps & Life Coach, LION

18/1/2017 10:30:58 am

Getting the coachee to share how many times they feel distressed to this level and whether this is a pattern, would help. Also, how they currently manage those emotions, even just on the surface. If there is a way of them seeing their situation as having moved in any way, or them having moved in any way, this will possibly help.

We have to be clear, most coaches are not clinicians. Even before trying out EFT, or NLP, we must gain full disclosure of any psychiatric or psychological counselling. I would never stray into those areas because I am not qualified to do so. Anyone who signs up with me knows the parameters of the service offered.

If there is enough behaviour and emotional distress to warrant a referral, that is what they receive, without judgement, diagnosis, or rejection. The sessions would simply come to an immediate end.

18/1/2017 10:39:48 am

Hi Mandy. I think those are good questions and issues to consider. It means that contracting explicitly and holding boundaries are very important. It can also be useful simply to acknowledge the client's emotional state (without necessarily labeling or evaluating it) or inviting the client to describe their emotional intensity (on, say, a scale of 1-10) and what it may mean for them.

Marianne Borg Hyökki, Sc D, MA.OMD, PCC, CMC

18/1/2017 10:40:41 am

Thank you! Nice and succinct presentation of us as Human beings!

18/1/2017 10:42:14 am

Thanks Marianne. In the midst of all our coaching theories and techniques, may we never lose sight of our/our client's human-ness!

Donna Needs

18/1/2017 10:43:01 am

One core coaching competence taught in CTI and recognised by ICF is to help people feel what the feel and hold the space for them. I'm re-learning this and using it more. I recognised that because of my own fears I was avoiding Process.

18/1/2017 10:45:44 am

Thanks for such an honest response, Donna. It sounds like you have been allowing yourself to feel what you feel and holding space for that too. I think that is so important and useful, especially if we are to incorporate 'use of self' as an integral part of our coaching practice.

Wassim Karkabi

18/1/2017 09:11:20 pm

Allow them the time and space to be emotional, then ask them how they want to move forward from there and hold them accountable for taking the steps forward.

18/1/2017 09:15:42 pm

Hi Wassim. I agree with you about time and space. I would not contract to hold the client accountable for taking the steps forward. I would work with the client in such a way that they are, if they choose, willing to hold themselves accountable.

Dawn Reed, MSOD

18/1/2017 09:12:16 pm

As a new coach I have enjoyed reading this discussion chain. I have learned a lot. I recently had an client with an emotional topic. After reading all of the comments I am confident that I handled myself and the session correctly. Thank you Nick for starting this discussion. It has been very helpful!

18/1/2017 09:18:22 pm

Thanks Dawn. I'm pleased you have found the insights in this conversation useful. Rather than thinking in terms of having handled yourself and the session 'correctly', another way of thinking about it could be to have handled yourself and the session in such a way that the client found useful.

18/1/2017 11:08:02 pm

Nick, excellent point! Thank you! The client was, in fact, very pleased with the session and found it highly useful !

18/1/2017 11:08:45 pm

So it sounds like you handled it well, Dawn! :)

Carolina Zorrilla Garcia

19/1/2017 01:19:10 pm

I believe that is the power of coaching that people find a great space to figure out their emotions, how they impact their lives and figure out ways to manage them. Great insights and points of views!

19/1/2017 01:22:55 pm

Thanks Carolina. I believe that our emotional states can also reveal e.g. what matters most to us and issues and values in our cultural context.

Alain Lefebvre

23/1/2017 08:57:27 am

Excellent analysis.

23/1/2017 08:57:55 am

Thanks Alain!

Dominique Barbès - Coach corporatif et Superviseur PCC

26/1/2017 10:53:36 am

Metaphors offer a great support for coachees to express what is impossible to explain with words and concepts, which is what emotions are. If sadness or anger is expressed, questions such as: What does it look like? what colour, or shape is it? what kind of texture? where does it lie in your body or in the room??
Quickly a full landscape settles around this emotion and the coach may help the coachee to go a step forward or on the side, and get through and out of this emotion towards some kind of move, related to the goal he/she came with in the beginning of the coaching session.

26/1/2017 10:57:45 am

Hi Dominique. Thanks for the useful insights. What you describe here resonates with insights from Gestalt and research into intuition (e.g. by Eugene Sadler-Smith) too. It's as if metaphors can create a vehicle for emotional experience and expression. It can be powerful to invite coachees to enact and experiment with their metaphors in the room too - where they are ethical and legal(!)

Brian Gorman

26/1/2017 10:58:26 am

As a coach I am finding Doug Silsbee's presence-based coaching helpful in these situations. How do I bring not only my mind, but also my heart and body into coaching with my client, and how do I coach them to do likewise? Judith Glaser's work on neuroscience and coaching (Conversational Intelligence) is a program I have just begun, and am already seeing strong application to situations such as you are discussing.

26/1/2017 10:59:56 am

Thanks Brian. Yes, I think 'presence' is critical.

Marion (Anschel) Franklin, MS, MCC, BCC

26/1/2017 11:00:56 am

It is not our role to 'handle' emotional clients. Our job is to respect their humanity. Period. Coaching is a partnership. Not every conversation is about moving forward and making progress. Sometimes people just need to process in their own way.

26/1/2017 11:01:39 am

Hi Marion. Well said.

Luiz Quinalha

26/1/2017 11:02:27 am

Thanks for all this reflexion. Great!
What I do?
First, respect and support to client emotion. He can feel what he wishs, no judgement about it. Second, I can not involve myself on this emotion. Finily, the question I usually do, "This emotion will help you to achive your objective in this relation? "
No more than that.

26/1/2017 11:08:13 am

Thanks Luiz for your interesting reflections.

Some similar but different ways of framing your final question could be, e.g. 'What is this emotion revealing about what is important to you?' or 'In what way is this emotion holding you back - or supporting your way forward?'

In my experience, the client is able to reflect on this type of question if the coach has first provided sufficient time, space and presence for catharsis.

Corby Furrow

26/1/2017 11:08:49 am

When people become emotional there are many things we can do. I do like Judith Glaser's work with the neuro science . I am trained in emotional freedom techniques which helps calm the system so the client can move through the emotional energy, become calm and have space to function outside of fight flight or freeze mode. It's very effective.

26/1/2017 11:09:53 am

Hi Corby. Do you have an example from experience you could share to illustrate that that could look like in practice? Thanks!

27/1/2017 10:40:29 am

Nick, when someone gets to that emotional moment where the client cannot respond or just prior, I use EFT, which is using meridian points on the body to help move the emotion through (emotions are energy), This process allows the body to come back to a calm state. The client is then able to move past where they were getting stuck.

Innocentia Tsikata ACC (ICF)

26/1/2017 12:54:36 pm

Thanks to all of you for your insights. Nick's, Dominique's and Brian's contributions in particular resonate with me. I agree with Nick that an illustration of emotional freedom techniques that Corby uses will be of great added value to the discussion. Thanks!

26/1/2017 12:56:44 pm

Thanks for the encouraging feedback, Innocentia!

Eva Schiffer

27/1/2017 10:24:31 am

I welcome the emotion into my coaching, because I know that change is most powerful if it includes the head, the heart and the body. For me emotions are not something I need to "handle" or somehow deal with, hoping they go away soon, so that we can do the actual work. It's rather where the work is often done: Whether coachees are blocked in their progress or propelled forward, the roots are often not in their intellectual grasp of their situation but in the ways they emotionally relate to it.

27/1/2017 10:29:03 am

Hi Eva. I love the way you expressed that. In my experience too, people are often more likely to engage with change if they experience it emotionally (and sometimes physically) and not simply intellectually.

Barbara Abbot

27/1/2017 10:30:37 am

Couldn't agree more, Eva! Often the emotion is the acknowledgement of a need to let go of something before they can move forward, or a spontaneous response to an "aha" moment when they realize what they've been "hiding" from that's been holding them back. I also agree with the need to be deeply present, listen and let them feel and express the emotion ... maybe even validate it ... before we can move forward. Only then can they be open to reframing, or recognizing the gift in the situation that will help them move on to action.

Sarah Clark

27/1/2017 10:31:17 am

Great article nick, I do a lot of cognitive behavioural coaching and being aware of and being able to process emotions is really important. I have coachees who have not been able to identify with and express emotions in a way that helps them move forward before and it is part of the process to give space and time and provide a safe place. I use strategies to increase resilience and find ways forward.

27/1/2017 10:39:11 am

Thanks Sarah! Sounds like its something about enabling the client to move from a place where their emotional state is debilitating them (or others) to a place where their emotion can precipitate and support positive change. I'm reminded of Martin Luther King who didn't try to stop black people being angry about injustice in the US at the time but, instead, to channel their anger-as-energy to achieve positive social change.

Urban Knutsson

27/1/2017 10:53:05 am

Most guys I met has been all in their heads. Until the coach noticed a hook, and grabbed it. Then the emotion under the surface came up and showed its face.
That is positive! Simply because a person is threefold, on high level, and manyfold when you dig in.
Heart ->head->hand is a chain we use in work instruction creation.
Hand->heart->head is the chain of learning.
So let people weep, yell, swear - my task as coach is to respectfully throw them a line to help them back ashore - and to learn.

27/1/2017 10:58:23 am

Hi Urban. I really like your vivid imagery! You may find this short piece interesting vis a vis 'help them back to shore'? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/learning-to-wonder

29/1/2017 10:51:07 am

Thanks, Nick, for putting me back on track :)
I.e. back to coaching as taking part of the coachee's journey!

Combining our imagery, what I should have thought, had I been more coherent in my thoughts, was more in the line of throwing a line so that the coachee could get back up on the raft! Or pull our parts of the broken raft back together?
That, because getting emotional makes the coachee try to break away - esp crying is shameful, for some reason. Break away from any companionship. But we need companions, as people in 'despair', so the coach throws that line and says 'welcome back, when you are ready, and we'll continue together. I'll be here.'

29/1/2017 10:52:50 am

Thanks Urban. I really like your evocative and creative use of metaphors and imagery to explore ideas and possibilities. :)

Tolis Marinos MAC Pg Dip

29/1/2017 10:43:15 am

I do not feel the need to "handle" my coachees but the need to "handle" my self when my coachees get emotional. I usually find the Person Centred approach very useful at such times.
There are lots of ideas about “what is Coaching” and what is “Person Centred” Carl Rogers develop the theory and thinking behind Person Centred Therapy, which underpin the concepts of Person Centred Coaching. These include;

Congruence and authenticity
Unconditional positive regard
Showing empathy
Allowing empathy to be received.
One of the best ways to understand Coaching is to experience it, however in the meantime here are some of my thoughts. One of the main items that sets coaching apart from other interactions, is that it is ‘Outcome Focused’. Now that’s not to say that it’s all about the outcome or the future, but there is a keen eye kept on the outcomes and the results the client seeks.

A client comes to work with me because they want an outcome, a result, and as a Coach, it is my job to facilitate the client finding their way to that outcome. Sometime we find a whole new outcome on the journey, and that’s part of the power of Coaching, what the client wants at the start isn’t always what they want at the end, and that’s not just about changing your mind, it’s about understanding what you really want when you start to look deeper, as you start to uncover who you are and your values.

So with this ‘Outcome Focus’ and moving towards a goal, that may change as we move forward, or stay the same, Coaching is ‘Person Centred’. The work I do with my clients is all about them, who they are, their values and needs, what they want and how they best go about achieving it. The agenda is with them, as the Coach I will remind my Client of their outcome, and what the goals were set. However if this has changed or if the Client wants/needs to explore something new or different, then that is what happens. The sessions are all about the Client, exploring who they are and what they want, moving them forward, towards an outcome, result or achievement of a goal.

Sometime people come to Coaching thinking that it’s similar to Consultancy, which at times it is, however with Person Centred Coaching, the Client has the resources within them or the ability to find the resources, and it’s the Coaches role to enable the Client to see the choices and resources they have, to enable the Client to see the situation form different view points so that they are able to develop their awareness, understand their situation and make choices that best suits who they are.

“In a nutshell, we can say you would use coaching to unblock someone’s potential and support them to take the action needed to make change happen. The change itself is ultimately down to the client”

And within this the Coach is helping the Client make positive change, positive change for themselves while checking that it will also have positive impacts on those around them. One of the important steps in Coaching is checking the ripple effect of change, not that we are always able to see this/know this, but it’s important to be aware that change ripples through the world of the Client.

While working with the Client, in order for change to happen, and for the Client to open up to change, they have to feel safe and supported within the Coaching environment, also to know that the Coach is non-judgemental and holds the Clients information in complete Confidence, all of the information shared is confidential and it is important for the Client to understand this. With this in place it enables both the Coach and the Client to have an open and honest professional relationship.

I hope that gives you an idea of what Person Centred Coaching is, and please feel free to ask questions, as I’m happy to answer them.

29/1/2017 10:46:57 am

Hi Tolis. Thanks for explaining your perspective on person-centred coaching so comprehensively. I like your comment about 'handling self'. It reminds me of the importance of emotional intelligence in coaching relationships. Do you have an example you could share of working with a person experiencing high levels of emotional arousal and how you worked with them using a person-centred approach?

Georges TIERIENTIEW

29/1/2017 10:48:59 am

"La Voie Royale du Succès" - amazon.com

29/1/2017 10:49:20 am

Merci Georges.

Catharsis

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