NICK WRIGHT
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I'm not you

27/9/2022

18 Comments

 
Picture

‘I’m not in your situation. And neither am I you in your situation.’ (David Cooper)

A stretching skill in coaching, action learning and facilitation is often to step back and to stay back. I may imagine vividly what I might think, how I might feel and what I might do if I were in the situation a client has described. Nevertheless, as David Cooper has summarised so well (above), the truth is I’m not there and I’m not you. A risk is that I may inadvertently and subconsciously project myself onto the world of the client. Why is this important and how can we use it?

Firstly, the client portrays a challenge, dilemma or opportunity from their own perspective. It’s a personally and-or socially-constructed view with associated feelings that may reveal all kinds of hidden assumptions, beliefs, values, hopes and expectations. These may be quite different to what the same situation could hold for the coach. Exploring how the client construes the situation and what lays behind and beneath it for them can unlock fresh insight and potential.

Secondly, factors that stand out to the client as significant in a situation can be very different to those that stand out for the coach because of differences in what people notice, what value they attach to it and what meaning they make of it. What a person notices is influenced psychologically by what’s important to them. What, therefore, surfaces into awareness (or not) for the client can shed useful light on underlying personal-cultural assumptions, beliefs and values.

Thirdly, how the coach could act in the client’s situation - and the consequences of their actions - would be influenced by their own lived experiences, their personal preferences and cultural norms, their own networks of relationships and the knowledge and skills they can draw upon. Unless the client’s issue has a definitive right or correct solution, the optimal way through for the client may be quite different to that for the coach. I’m not in your situation – and I’m not you.
18 Comments
Anna Redfern
27/9/2022 12:31:46 pm

Wow Nick, that's such a powerful quotation from David Cooper. It reminds me to avoid guiding the client towards what I think the solution is, and to help them work out their own solution instead. Thank you for sharing!

Reply
Nick Wright
27/9/2022 12:33:09 pm

Thank you, Anna. Yes, I think David sums it up beautifully..!

Reply
Patrick Stephenson
27/9/2022 12:38:05 pm

Hi Nick. This is a though provoking blog. The answer to the client's problem sometimes seems clear to us. We think we know what we would do, and we try to help the person reach the same conclusion. Sometimes we don't know we are doing it. You have helped me understand why stepping back is very important. Thank you.

Reply
Nick Wright
27/9/2022 12:42:11 pm

Thank you, Patrick, for your encouraging feedback. Yes, I think this is where influences such as unconscious bias can affect our thinking and our practice - even in coaching, action learning and facilitation where we may try hard to be more 'neutral'.

In case of interest on that theme, I find this short related article helpful: https://www.theocm.co.uk/sites/default/files/2019-01/Unconscious%20bias%20-%20Angela%20Keane.pdf

Reply
Sandra Pemberton
27/9/2022 12:45:03 pm

Hi Nick. I followed your link on socially constructed to More than Words can Say. It literally blew my mind!

Reply
Nick Wright
27/9/2022 12:48:16 pm

Hi Sandra. You made me smile. :) This short video by social constructionism guru Kenneth Gergen (from 3 mins into the clip) had a similar impact on me!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AsKFFX9Ib0&t=288s

Reply
Kateryna Chernenko
27/9/2022 01:01:03 pm

Hello Nick. I like this writing. I wish media and politician also think about it. They think they know answer for everyone. They want everyone think same as them. They try force what to do. They not listen.

Reply
Nick Wright
27/9/2022 01:06:36 pm

Hi Kateryna - and thank you. Yes, there is a very big difference between political propaganda or media manipulation on the one hand, and inviting and enabling people to develop their own critical thinking skills on the other.

Reply
Angie Bamgbose
27/9/2022 05:36:30 pm

I love the quote you've reflected on "‘I’m not in your situation. And neither am I you in your situation.’ (David Cooper)"

Reply
Nick Wright
27/9/2022 05:38:29 pm

Thanks Angie. Me too. I think David sums it up brilliantly. 😃

Reply
Arman
28/9/2022 09:30:32 am

Hi Nick. Thanks for this writing, I think that's why coaching is one of the hard job!
I love quotation from David Cooper and three dimension that you talk about at this writing.
Everyone have different ability and in different situation maybe have best result.
You always choose best picture for your writing! I really love this picture, it have thousand and thousand word to say!

Reply
Nick Wright
28/9/2022 09:56:30 am

Thank you - as always - Arman. My former mentor often described high quality coaching, facilitation and action learning as 'simple, but not easy'. I'm pleased you like the picture! :)

Reply
Fatima Ayad
28/9/2022 10:00:32 am

Thank you Nick for sharing these words with us. It is true the solution for one culture may not work in another culture.

Reply
Nick Wright
28/9/2022 10:09:08 am

Thank you, Fatima - you're welcome. Yes, I believe we need to pay careful attention to personal and cultural differences when coaching and working with groups. In action learning, for instance, diversity can be one of its greatest gifts. It can also create tensions and difficulties if not handled sensitively.

On that theme, you may find these short related pieces interesting?

https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/crossing-cultures
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/cross-cultural-coaching
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/cross-cultural-action-learning

Reply
Sally Brooks
28/9/2022 03:49:02 pm

Hi Nick. What you describe is so important for agency. The client is less likely to own and act on solutions imposed by others.

Reply
Nick Wright
28/9/2022 06:27:39 pm

Thank you, Sally. Yes, I agree. Developing personal agency is a core intention in coaching and action learning, as is enabling a client to find or create their own solutions to the issues they face.

If I sense a lack of traction as the client talks about their next steps towards the end of a coaching or action learning session, it's usually because I haven't paid enough attention to personal agency.

On that theme, you may find these short related pieces interesting?

https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/agent-of-change
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/choice-point
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/get-a-grip

Reply
Jondi Whitis
15/10/2022 05:11:55 pm

Like this approach very much.

Reply
Nick Wright
15/10/2022 05:12:28 pm

Thank you, Jondi.

Reply



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    ​Nick Wright

    ​I'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? ​Get in touch!

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