Challenging conversations

19/1/2018

‘You get what you tolerate.’ (Susan Scott, Fierce Conversations)

We were sitting by a window on an icy winter day. I was working with Bryan Emden, my coach at the time and a skilled psychotherapist. Part-way through the conversation, I felt a cold shiver and asked Bryan if he would mind if we moved to a different table. He looked back at me with cool, penetrating gaze then spoke. ‘It has been cold here for some time. I wonder how uncomfortable things need to get for you before you take action…and whether that reflects a wider pattern in your life and work?’

I was a bit taken aback because I had always prided myself on a decisive-activist mantra, ‘(almost) any decision is better than no decision’. Nevertheless, on reflection I could remember certain hard situations in which I had not acted early enough. I had feared that to do so could have made things even worse. We could call this an avoidance strategy, a defence against anxiety based on a fear of negative consequences. In CBT terms, I had catastrophised, predicted the worst possible outcomes.

At those times, the anxiety had sometimes increased to such a degree that it had triggered a fight-flight-freeze response within me. The fight option meant I risked becoming aggressive, the flight option becoming passive and, as a result, I simply – froze. One way I have learned to tackle this is to acknowledge the emotion and to challenge how sound the prediction is. It sometimes means doing the thing we fear most, to see what new opportunities it creates. To notice how we survive it.

It’s about resilience and, at work, it’s often about relationships. Claire Pedrick offers a stark challenge on this front: ‘What’s the conversation you need to have that you’re not having?’ Guy Rothwell advocates a willingness to listen openly and also to have the courage, the authenticity, to speak up. Rick James proposes exercising courage with humility, to grasp the proverbial nettle, to have the difficult conversation and yet to address the person with open hand, not clenched fist.

How do you handle challenging conversations?

74 Comments

Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)

19/1/2018 01:15:44 pm

Another thought provoking post Nick. Thank you. In the past l avoided challenging conversations....too many unknowns which l didn't want to venture into. It has been one of my growing edges as a Counsellor and l believe l am getting better at it. First l make sure that l am in a calm place internally. Then l think about what it is l am hoping to achieve by having a challenging conversation. I consider what the other person's response might be and ensure that l stay my side of the boundary. I find challenging conversations are best had personally and professionally when there is an established respectful relationship.

Nick Wright

19/1/2018 01:30:26 pm

Thanks Stella. I always find your responses thought-provoking too. I think the focus on outcome that you mention is very important. It can sometimes provide an opportunity to discover or create common ground.

In the coaching arena, I find Blakey & Day's model useful: to contract and work in a way that is high in support and high in challenge - where the person and relationship is able to handle and sustain it. It's as if the role, intention and contract provide an explicit context and agreement for challenge that makes it feel positive and constructive.

I feel less comfortable with high challenge in situations where I feel stressed, roles/boundaries are unclear or disputed, the relationship is strained or trust is low. In those situations I pray for peace, wisdom and discernment and have to work harder to find the right timing, the right words etc. and to approach the person, the conversation, the situation, in the most constructive spirit.

Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)

20/1/2018 02:54:59 pm

'I feel less comfortable with high challenge in situations where I feel stressed, roles/boundaries are unclear or disputed, the relationship is strained....I pray for peace, wisdom and discernment' Nick These words really resonate with me. If a challenging situation is in progress my first instinct is to calm it down at any cost. I am learning that I need to be able to calm myself down - sometimes people are ready to talk and sometimes they are not. Some people just don't want to talk about anything difficult so I am left with the messiness that leaves. You would think that I would know by now that life isn't always neat and tidy. I remember someone saying to me 'but I am not ready to talk.' I needed to respect that and wait. Thankfully in the fullness of time we had the difficult conversation and all was well in the end - which deep down I knew it would be.

Nick Wright

20/1/2018 03:07:38 pm

Hi Stella. I can relate to your instinct to 'calm it down'. Sometimes it is about self-protection. I have also learned, however, that sometimes it is more beneficial not to, e.g. when a person needs cathartic space. In those situations, I have learned (...or, I am learning...) not to take the heat personally and to allow the person to vent - if that is what they need.

Sometimes it is a cross-cultural dynamic. If a person is behaving in a way that I associate with uncontrolled anger or rage, I can feel threatened and try to 'calm them down',,,which is also about trying to calm myself down. I have learned that people in some cultures are more emotionally expressive and that it doesn't necessarily imply actual threat, e.g. of physical violence.

I once took part in a mediation workshop with Karen Bailey, a skilled mediator and trainer. She too helped me to work with what emerges, whether that be apparent anger or other strong emotion, rather than trying to calm it or close it down. In my psychological coaching studies, based on Gestalt, I also learned that, in some situations, amplifying the emotion rather than 'calming' it can be most useful.

I think all this takes awareness, insight and skill. There is always a risk that, psychodynamically or culturally, I react to the other based on my own feelings, assumptions, projections and needs rather than on what he or she needs. This is one reason why I find supervision so helpful and important - e.g. in relation to 'use of self'.

Neill Hahn

19/1/2018 03:44:33 pm

A common issue we all face sometime, so thanks for your thoughts on it Nick. It depends largely on who we are challenged by. I have worked with people who excite me with their challenges. I know they are starting an adventure into the topic they raised & want a hearty, boundary crashing experience to find new answers in. But other people cause dread. I know those are looking for approval and often punish those who don't back up their own take on the subject. I think avoidance needs avoiding (mostly) & have requested of people that I know, never to ask me a question if they don't want to hear my answer. Otherwise it's not a question. I love the adventure of exploring the challenging question with colourful thinkers. Life is not boring enough to be predictable, so it's wonderful to see new light on some topic that I thought I knew enough about, but hadn't yet scratched the surface.

Nick Wright

19/1/2018 04:25:48 pm

Hi Neill and thank you for such a thoughtful response. I love your expression, 'boundary crashing experience'. I too have people in my life who excite me with their challenges. In fact, I often seek them out if I want to think about things in radically new and creative ways. There are others that I, too, dread - mostly those who I find aggressive or unpredictable mood-wise and where the boundaries of our relationship are difficult to manage or unclear.

Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)

20/1/2018 02:55:57 pm

Neill, 'It depends largely on who we are challenged by' Your words resonate with me and have brought to mind a former mentor of mine who challenged me to step out of my comfort zone and stop hiding behind other people whom I deemed to be more capable etc than I was. I trusted him and knew that he saw in me more than I saw in myself. As he challenged I felt fear and excitement....I am so glad that I took his challenge. I wouldn't be writing this on here if I hadn't. I will always be very grateful.

Carlos Silvestre Joao

20/1/2018 02:53:14 pm

😚😚💌💌

Nick Wright

20/1/2018 02:53:42 pm

Erm...thanks Carlos! :)

Cath Norris

20/1/2018 02:56:36 pm

Firstly I'm interested in why people are challenging me, what their motives might be. I want to know why someone is choosing to speak into my life uninvited. I'll generally try to figure out if this is really about me or about them. If I sense that someone is projecting with their why don't you's or you ought to's then I'll reflect that back ie it sounds like you personally have a struggle with this or feel that you ought to be doing a particular thing. If it feels like there's an authentic accusation I'll take a look at it.

Nick Wright

20/1/2018 03:14:18 pm

Hi Cath and thanks - as always - for adding a fresh insight and dimension to the conversation. I was thinking when I wrote the post about challenging conversations that I want or need to initiate...but sometimes avoid. I like your description of someone 'choosing to speak into my life uninvited'. I too try to discern if it is about me and/or them and/or someone or something else altogether. I don't always find that easy in the moment, especially if I feel threatened or if it catches me unawares and triggers a strong emotional reaction in me. However, I try to be and act reflectively and authentically - as far as I am able - and find it useful to talk through with my supervisor, especially if triggered or recurring themes emerge.

Dave Smith

20/1/2018 06:39:24 pm

It's certainly an interesting question: that sometimes we're willing to put up with some level of discomfort - either through fear of facing it, or simply because we don't see it as significant enough a problem - but the fact remains that inaction does no work towards resolution.

I'm almost the reverse mindset: if something bothers me, I take time out to fix it. This can be something involved as stripping down a TV remote control to clean button contacts with an alcohol-based solution for something as insignificant as the power button not working properly - but once that's done I no longer experience the daily frustration of trying to smear a button down hard from various angles just to get it to work.

I dislike the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" mentality. If it ain't working properly, don't wait until it's broken to fix it. Face it, do the right thing - don't run from it.

Nick Wright

20/1/2018 06:44:05 pm

Hi Dave. It sounds like you are very proactive in addressing things to improve them. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this related short piece! http://www.nick-wright.com/blue-rabbits.html

Alvin Sylvain

21/1/2018 04:12:55 pm

If it ain't working properly, it's broken.

It may not be broken to the point of complete uselessness, but nevertheless it's broken. Bringing it from a state of "Almost Working Well" to a state of "Working Completely And Properly The Way It Should" is called "Fixing It."

If' it's already in that latter state -- don't fix it!

:-)

Nick Wright

21/1/2018 04:20:12 pm

Hi Alvin. I guess it begs the question of how broken something is...and what 'the way it should' is...when it comes to dynamically complex relationships?

For instance, my car has a dented front wing. It doesn't look great cosmetically but it has passed safety checks and the car is so old that it's not worth spending money to fix it, at least in contrast to other people or things I would rather spend that money on.

When it comes to a relationship, however, how broken is broken and who decides 'the way it should' be? I guess that depends on different beliefs, values and expectations which are, themselves, influenced by context and culture.

Thom H Boehm

21/1/2018 04:21:29 pm

I'm willing to put up with a lot of discomfort before moving on, but I like to think that it is not out of fear or reticence. So often in life we move on when things get a little bit uncomfortable or difficult. Conversely, how many opportunities are not missed because people moved on after a little discomfort? Was the little bit of chill doing you any real harm? Would it probably not have warmed up as soon as the heater kicked in or the door was closed? Discomfort or trouble should not automatically be a sign that it is time to move on or take action. Sometimes in life and in relationships we just have to wade through the hard times for the good times to come. Life is full of good and bad, and you can't have one without a good dose of the other.

Nick Wright

21/1/2018 04:35:14 pm

Hi Thom - well said, and thank you for adding such a thought-provoking dimension to this conversation. I think what you are describing relates well to resilience, perseverance, character etc.

We don't build physical muscle without placing our bodies under (repeated) stress and, perhaps, there are parallels psychologically and spiritually too.

There are also situations, e.g. lag time in projects, where the benefits will not emerge until we have persevered over time. You may find this short related piece interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/instant

I think you are pointing to a risk and temptation of giving up too early or moving on too easily? You also gave good examples of how context can shift our experience, e.g. heater kicking in or door closed, rather than trying to shift something within ourselves per se.

I'm also reminded of mindfulness or acceptance commitment therapy in which we learn to accept circumstances and, potentially, to grow in and through them rather than struggled in/with or trying to change them.

Perhaps the converse is also true: how to discern when we are flogging a dead horse (what an awful expression that is?!) or to shift tack in such a way that would result in an overall better outcome - for us, for the other and/or for the team/group/system as a whole.

Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)

21/1/2018 04:36:55 pm

Interesting thoughts Thom - Sometimes one wants to have a challenging conversation but it is not appropriate to do so. I think it is important to know when to speak and when to keep quiet and to keep one's own attitude right so that we don't lose our peace or build up resentment. There are so many layers to this conversation - what a shame we can't all have it face to face. (Bit difficult with us in different countries but wonderful that we can communicate this way too)

Thom H Boehm

4/4/2018 02:16:25 pm

Sorry, Stella. Just saw this today. Yes, it would be wonderful to have a conversation face-to-face!

Ruby Manalac

22/1/2018 08:36:31 am

Wonderfully stated.It has the basic and more important nuances of Emotional Intelligence in the aspects of communication a d relationships.

Nick Wright

22/1/2018 08:38:18 am

Thanks Ruby. Yes, there are resonances between psychodynamic insights and experiences and EI.

Ian Henderson

22/1/2018 11:22:24 am

Insightful post as ever Nick and one that I suspect many people experience.

Nick Wright

22/1/2018 11:23:33 am

Thanks Ian..!

Suzanne Combs-Brown

22/1/2018 06:55:56 pm

Challenging conversations start with trust and without that, they are even more challenging. You have to be willing to enter the conversation sharing that you understand that their intentions may have been different than how the situation landed on you, you have to be willing to openly hear them and be listening to listen, not listening to respond to them. You have to be willing to own your part in the relationship and your perceptions that may contribute to this being a challenging conversation. When someone trusts that your intentions is to resolve/help and understands that you are open to learning and being "wrong" in some of this, as well, they are much more open to go into and work through the challenge.

Nick Wright

22/1/2018 09:24:28 pm

Hi Suzanne. yes, trust is an essential ingredient...but not always present or easy to establish. You reminded me of Covey's, 'When trust is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective. When trust is low, even the simplest conversations feel difficult.' (my paraphrase) You may find this related short piece interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/backstory

Bob Buckley

22/1/2018 10:13:59 pm

I love this, Nick. Thank you for sharing it here.

Nick Wright

22/1/2018 10:15:21 pm

Thanks for such encouraging feedback, Bob. Much appreciated!

Joe España

23/1/2018 09:56:19 am

I have found listening very deeply first, maybe asking a clarifying question or two is really important to understand the thinking behind the thinking. Then confronting it to get the speaker to critically evaluate their position. In a group setting it provides an excellent learning opportunity for the group to work out a better understanding of the issue and come to their own conclusions. Respecting their perspective without necessarily agreeing, but seeking to understand and challenging the origin of the thought pushes people into greater perspectives and insights.

Nick Wright

23/1/2018 09:59:09 am

Thanks Jo. I like your emphasis on 'the thinking behind the thinking'. In my experience this is true of my own thinking as well as that of the client...as well as, at times, of the client's culture/system. 'What story am I telling myself?' can be a useful question.

Juan Gomez

23/1/2018 10:00:09 am

Thanks for this interesting article Nick. Usually, human beings act for pain more than for pleasure therefore when you are in an extreme or hard situation probably the best part of your creative instinct will arise. We have a very precise guide system that we decide to ignore regularly and it is our emotional one which is our sixth sense. If we could understand our emotional system and the way it is working for us, we will drive our lives plenty of satisfaction. That is part of our job Nick to understand it first and them to share it with others.

Nick Wright

23/1/2018 10:07:03 am

Thanks Juan. I think 'act for pain' raises some interesting questions and challenges. If we are in an extreme situation and experiencing high levels of anxiety or distress, it can trigger a fight/flight/freeze response and, in CBT terms, cognitive distortions. (see, for instance: http://www.nick-wright.com/fresh-thinking.html). I'm curious about emotion as a 'precise guide system' or 'sixth sense'. Can you say more, perhaps with an example from experience to illustrate it?

E.G.Sebastian - CPC, CSL

23/1/2018 10:08:42 am

I remain really calm during 9 out of 10 challenging conversations, which usually is an "asset," but at times it really irritates the other person. First I listen - I let the person vent; then - if I contributed to creating the challenging situation (which, as a result of my high-speed thinking and actions it can happen :) ), I apologize, and ask "How can I make this right?"

Of course, challenging conversations can be super varried, and more often than not, you are not at fault. But in any case, I believe it's important to let the other person vent first. If you try to get your view or "truth" across first, they you'll end up in a cacophony of both of you trying to talk over the other... Listen first, then just like Sun Tzu would do, proceed wisely and decisively :)

Nick Wright

23/1/2018 10:14:19 am

Thanks E.G. That's a really interesting point! I have sometimes inadvertently antagonised people by staying calm (well...at least outwardly) while they are venting off. It's as if, in those situations, they are looking for an emotional reaction from me that in some way mirrors theirs. It'as if they are looking for a sparring partner. To withhold it - or so it appears to them - can leave them feeling alone and humiliatingly out of control. Good advice from Sun Tzu! :)

Derek Rowe

24/1/2018 10:07:50 am

I ask 3 questions, always with some form of unself-centred "greater good" in mind (e.g. the customer, team harmony, the development of the person I'm speaking to, a required work outcome)

1 Does it need to be said?
2 Does it need to said right now?
3 Does it need to be said by me?

One more thing. If I'm the only person who benefits from saying something I leep quiet. Self-seeking has never got me too far in conversations with others.

Nick Wright

24/1/2018 10:12:38 am

Hi Derek. Those look like good questions to me. I admire your attention to the needs of the other(s). I'm curious. Do you see addressing your own needs too as somehow illegitimate?

Yvonne Kirkum

25/1/2018 09:50:55 am

Many years ago when I was doing my teacher training, we were set the question in our group of how you would deal with telling someone in your training/teaching group that their personal hygiene was not up to par. This was very awkward for me, because I'd had a similar conversation with a member of the student group who was my subordinate at work. Luckily it was less of a problem with this particular fellow student as I'd obviously handled it well in the workplace, but for the others in our group who had never had to address this problem before it was a bit iffy there for a while. I gave my ideas on how it should be dealt with and let the other debate it from there. I had to have the same conversation with several others in another of my jobs and handled it the same way. Apparently that worked as well so, perhaps I luckily got it right!

Nick Wright

25/1/2018 09:52:30 am

Hi Yvonne. That's a great example of a tricky situation and sounds like you handled it well. I'm intrigued. You mention, 'I gave my ideas on how it should be dealt with...' Would you be willing to share your ideas here too?

Wissam Assouad

25/1/2018 09:53:59 am

It has to do a lot with the relationship you build with your client. The deeper the relationship, the more trust you build and the more there is a solid connection you can build on. This would help in assessing whether your client is ready to listen to the challenging conversation. Feedback could be a challenging conversation too !

Nick Wright

25/1/2018 09:56:40 am

Hi Wissam. Yes, relationship and trust can make a huge difference. On the feedback point, I will often pose questions that invite the client to invite feedback from me, e.g. 'I have some feedback for you. What feedback would you find useful at this point?'

Shyleswari Mohan - LHEP ™, PCC

25/1/2018 09:57:45 am

For me it's who and where I am in the challenging situation, as a person in charge, I listen, I understand what the person's deeper need could be, and then continue accordingly. If it 's at home, with my spouse I do not have this patience in simpler situations, If I really really want to have a challenging conversation or vice versa I sleep over it revert with my observations, feelings, needs and a request.

Nick Wright

25/1/2018 10:02:58 am

Hi Shyleswari and thank you for such an honest response. I'm curious: what do you think influences how you deal differently with situations at work and at home? Sleeping on it can be a good idea before stepping into a challenging conversation, if there is time and space to do it. It allows us to step back from the situation and for deeper intuitive insights and ideas to emerge. In my experience, it can also be useful to talk it through with someone beforehand, e.g. a coach, supervisor or mentor if available...and, for me, to pray for wisdom, courage, humility and peace.

Suzanne Combs-Brown

25/1/2018 01:00:25 pm

Great article Nick, thanks for sharing! Absolutely agree. I like to refer to it as peeling back the onion because we all have “layers” and bring all of them to every place we go. When we can peel back our own layers, be willing to be vulnerable and share some of them with others, we can better help others with their “layers”. When Trust isn't there, the conversation is much more difficult and that's why going into that conversation open to the fact that you may have contributed to what has gone wrong in building trust OR that you are willing to share an “onion layer” to help connect with them, goes a long way when no trust or injured trust is present, with the person, in that challenging conversation.

Nick Wright

25/1/2018 01:05:04 pm

Thank you, Suzanne. Yes, making ourselves vulnerable often requires considerable courage and humility. Sometimes it can evoke a similar spirit in the other too. I think it resonates well with Covey's 'Trust is built when we take a risk and find ourselves supported.' (my paraphrase!)

Lou Banks

25/1/2018 01:06:42 pm

In my experience whenever a conversation is emotionally charged it's often because there is a feeling of not being heard. I love the Martin Luthor King quote: 'A riot is the language of the unheard' - so my focus is always to challenge the listening mind-set; listen to hear, not to respond. Nancy Kline does some great work here!

Nick Wright

25/1/2018 01:11:14 pm

Hi Lou. Yes, I've heard MLK phrased similarly as, 'Violence is the voice of the unheard.' Very profound. You reminded me of this quotation by Roy Bennett in 'The Light in the Heart':

“Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.”

Tara Parker

25/1/2018 03:33:25 pm

Challenging conversations are thought out, if possible. I explore my personal emotions so as to not incorporate those into the words and meaning I want to convey. I don't want my message and the goal therein to be lost in translation because I allowed my emotions to drive, versus maybe navigate a conversation.

Great post, yet again, Nick.

Nick Wright

25/1/2018 03:36:44 pm

Thanks Tara. That raises a really interesting question - how to express our emotions authentically without allowing our emotions to derail the conversation or the relationship. I guess that's were emotional intelligence (EI) helps. I'm also reminded of Marshall Rosenberg's 'non-violent communication.' Are you familiar with it?

Tamasin Artru M.Ed

26/1/2018 11:08:00 am

I try to listen more than talk.

Nick Wright

26/1/2018 11:09:08 am

Hi Tamasin. That sounds like a good core principle. I'm curious. How do you apply it when you need to take the first step in opening a challenging conversation?

Melissa Clark

26/1/2018 11:09:43 am

Exercise courage with humility, to address the person with open hand, not clenched fist.

Nick Wright

26/1/2018 11:11:16 am

Hi Melissa. It sounds like you are with Rick James on that one..! Do you have any examples you could share from experience to show what it could look like in practice?

Sudeer Raveendran

28/1/2018 12:14:29 am

You get what you tolerate, it says everything. Situations where challenging discussions takes place, more often we need to listen to the other party to get a clear picture of exact subject and options to find a feasible and a win win solution agreeable to both parties.

Nick Wright

28/1/2018 12:15:24 am

Hi Sudeer. Yes, a win-win solution is often the ideal.

Steve Minshull

28/1/2018 04:54:31 pm

A key strategy is to express genuine empathy with the "positive" intention of the person making an objection or asking a really tough question. Something to avoid is acknowledging the concern - that way you just make it sound bigger. Instead, I recommend using a positive statement instead like: "I appreciate that you want to feel comfortable that you will be able to build on the investment you have already made in this area." The reason I'm confident that IS the case is .... " That way, the person feels heard and you create a platform to continue to explain the value of your proposal.

Nick Wright

28/1/2018 04:58:54 pm

Hi Steve. Your emphasis on empathising with an assumed positive intention, or responding as if the person has a positive intention irrespective of whether or not they do, resonates with Latting & Ramsey's '3 hypotheses technique'. http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/fantasy

Mark Somerville

29/1/2018 09:36:09 am

There is always the possibility that you will a learner who thinks that they know more than the trainer, so as far as challenges are concerned, I have a "line in the sand".. if that line is crossed, then i take action, which can include removal from the training as a last resort. I won't tolerate the negative actions of one learner spreading to others. People will have an issue that they want to raise, but there is a time and a place to raise these issues. Training courses are not the place - HR is.

Nick Wright

29/1/2018 09:39:19 am

Hi Mark. It sounds like you have very clear idea of boundaries that you consider appropriate in a training environment. There is, of course, also a possibility that, on occasions, a learner will know more than the trainer..! :)

Bob Fenzel

30/1/2018 11:53:47 am

Oh so true...

Nick Wright

30/1/2018 11:54:13 am

Thanks Bob!

Benjamin Hellmoldt

30/1/2018 10:43:16 pm

I have come to believe something I read after leaving my corporate training gig: the trainer learns more than the trainees.

Nick Wright

30/1/2018 10:47:16 pm

Hi Benjamin. I've often found that to be true in my own experience...or, perhaps, sometimes I learn different things. You may find this short related piece interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/learner

Mark Mischke

31/1/2018 06:44:15 pm

To deal with a difficult discussion in a training group.... 1. Get issue on the table. 2. Explain your position. 3. Ask for desired action.

Nick Wright

31/1/2018 06:45:03 pm

Hi Mark. Do you have an example from experience you could share here?

LuAnn Aikens CDS

1/2/2018 10:20:55 am

There are those situations with certain personalities that no matter what you do or how well you listen you can't seem to give them correct information without a bitter reaction. Ninety-nine percent of the time I am able to deal with situations without a problem and I have positive results. The one off situation is one where the person has made up their mind that they are right and that you or the policy you are enforcing is wrong and nothing is going to change their mind. Occasionally one such person will come back later with an apology or at least a reconciliation. Other times things go to the next level. Yes, we do need to listen and be receptive, but we also need to know when it's time to stand by a standard and apply it to the situation and hope for the best.

Nick Wright

1/2/2018 10:24:57 am

Thanks LuAnn. Yes, if we imagine we can resolve every relationship and situation, it assumes a level of control that is unrealistic. The other person is a free agent and may have no interest in resolving the issue or situation with us. Those situations can be particularly challenging. Sometimes our only option is to walk away - where that option is open to us. You may find these related short pieces interesting?

http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/eggshells
http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/backstory

Brian O'Mara-Croft

15/2/2018 01:42:49 pm

In my experience, people speak up and participate in near-direct proportion to their belief what they say is heard and valued, particularly if the environment and/or issues have potential for real turbulence.

Nick Wright

15/2/2018 01:44:57 pm

Hi Brian. I agree - and well said. It reminds me of Martin Luther King's wise insight: 'Violence is the voice of the unheard.'

Steve Robinson

18/2/2018 09:37:42 pm

I question. Why do they think that? What experience has prompted this reaction? If it’s in class during training, I suggest that we discuss the issue during the break to avoid disrupting the course.

Nick Wright

18/2/2018 09:50:31 pm

Hi Steve. Yes, seeking to understand the situation from the other person's perspective is always important and useful. You may find these related short pieces interesting?

http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/eggshells
http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/backstory
http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/fantasy

Steve Robinson

19/2/2018 10:17:11 pm

Thanks. My old departed mentor, always said if you have someone who is argumentative during training, look first to yourself. Has anything you said or done created the problem? Was it, or is it your style? You cannot solve the issue without questioning yourself first, then the student. I asked but what if that doesn’t solve the issue? Then you’re not listening properly. Have another instructor intercede. He may catch what you are missing.

Nick Wright

19/2/2018 10:18:49 pm

Thanks Steve. Another way of thinking about it can be to ask oneself, 'What underlying anxiety may this behaviour be masking?'

James Briscall

4/4/2018 02:14:22 pm

I often reflect on:- 'I wonder how uncomfortable things need to get for me to take action…and whether that reflects a wider pattern in my life and work?’ I find that it's a powerful question & one that invariably leads to answers; and of course leads me to taking action. As for challenging conversations; having read 'The Chimp Paradox' i try to keep my inner chimp in it's cage; the limbic brain can get us into all sorts of trouble!

Nick Wright

4/4/2018 02:15:00 pm

Hi James. I'm intrigued. What is your inner chimp and what is the cage?

James Briscall

5/4/2018 10:47:29 am

In retrospect a more accurate statement would have been:- 'i try to keep my inner chimp happy with bananas'. We can't control our inner chimp because, like real chimps, it's stronger than us. I'm relating to Dr Maclean's Triune Brain model; the reptilian/physical (brain stem), primate/emotional (limbic) & human/conceptual (neocortex) areas of our brain. You know when you think 'i wish i hadn't said that' or 'that xxxxxxxxxx just cut me up in traffic'; well that's the inner chimp or the limbic system's emotional response. We obviously exhibit all 3 characteristics but tend to be more dominant in one. This is reflected in our actions; language; personality; & can be related to ancient personality & astrology systems.