‘You can never really know someone completely. That’s why it’s the most terrifying thing in the world, really – taking someone on faith, hoping they’ll take you on faith too. It’s such a precarious balance. It’s a wonder we do it at all.’ (Libba Bray) There’s an idea in Gestalt psychology that we’re predisposed, hard-wired, to ‘fill in the gaps’. Here’s a real and practical example. I was once invited to facilitate a conference of around 50 people from diverse professional backgrounds in the housing sector. I had never met anyone in the group and they had never met me. I stood up on the podium, introduced myself simply as ‘Nick Wright, an organisation development consultant from England’, then invited everyone to take a pen and paper. I explained that I would ask them a series of questions about myself, to which they were to guess the answers. ‘Which newspaper do I read?’ ‘What political party will I vote for at the next General Election?’ ‘Am I married, or single?’ ‘What is my professional background?’ ‘What’s my favourite hobby outside of work?’ I then asked who had been able to answer every question. Everyone raised their hands. I now invited them to draw a simple face against each of their answers – which they wouldn’t be expected to share in the group. A happy face meant their answer drew them towards me; an unhappy face that it pushed me away. A neutral face meant, well, neutral. Again, everyone managed to do it. I paused and invited them to reflect at their tables on what had just happened. Person after person said how astonished they felt at how quickly and easily they had created a profile of me in their minds, and how that had influenced how they felt about – and were now likely to respond and relate to – me. They had filled in the gaps of not-knowing by drawing on hopes and fears, past experiences, personal projections, cultural assumptions etc. Filling in the gaps enables us to relate quickly to others rather than starting every relationship as if from scratch. It also risks unhelpful stereotyping and bias. This raised important questions for participants at the conference so I offered 3 principles: compassion, curiosity and challenge. Compassion: ‘What do I need to feel safe to contribute in this group? ‘How can I demonstrate a compassionate stance towards others?’ Curiosity: ‘What assumptions am I making about those around me, e.g. based on their looks, accent or job title?’ ‘Who or what is influencing the ways in which I’m thinking about, feeling about and responding to others?’ Challenge: ‘What am I not-noticing about those around me?’ ‘How open am I to have my beliefs about others tested?’
12 Comments
Thomas Lee
12/8/2023 05:31:43 pm
Interesting blog, Nick. People do this with God. God reveals some things about himself in the Bible. Then we fight to the death over dogma as if we understand everything. We fill in the gaps to our peril.
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Nick Wright
12/8/2023 05:46:13 pm
Thanks Thomas. I have a book, published in 1896, by Alexander MacLaren called 'Christ in the Heart'. It includes a chapter, 'The Silence of Scripture', which makes a very similar point. In case of interest, I found a copy of this profoundly insightful transcript here:
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Joseph Rodriguez
12/8/2023 05:33:01 pm
Dear Nick. It was a great activity to use at the conference. How did you think of it?
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Nick Wright
12/8/2023 05:50:13 pm
Thanks Joseph. The idea came to me quite spontaneously as I was praying and preparing to step onto the platform. I had seen a group called Levelheaded use a similar question-posing idea some years beforehand, and the 'faces' adaptation came to mind in the moment.
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Nicole Thompson
12/8/2023 05:36:20 pm
Hey Nick. I love how you used the faces to raise awareness of affective responses. Sometimes we have a visceral response to people and have no idea why. Intuition or unconscious bias?
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Nick Wright
12/8/2023 05:55:53 pm
Hi Nicole. Yes indeed. That's a really interesting question! The best short piece I've read on the distinction and relationship between intuition and unconscious bias is by Dr Jennifer Wheelan in this blog on LinkedIn:
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Rebecca Walker
12/8/2023 05:59:10 pm
Loving your blogs, Nick. This one makes me ask: do we ever really know anyone? Do we even know ourselves?
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Nick Wright
12/8/2023 06:22:03 pm
Thanks for your encouraging feedback, Rebecca. That's a great question. I honestly don't believe we can ever fully know ourselves, or others. Human beings and human relationships are incredibly dynamically-complex. So many factors influence,, for instance, what we notice, or don't notice; how we interpret our experience and what sense or conclusions we draw from it. In case of interest, I explore that phenomenon in a bit more depth here: https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/window-of-insight
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Thomas Lee
12/8/2023 06:26:36 pm
We will see more clearly in eternity.....but not yet. "For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." (1 Corinthians 13:12)
Nick Wright
12/8/2023 06:29:53 pm
Hi Thomas. I was reading that same passage this morning as I was reflecting on the theme for this blog. It got me wondering afresh: who or what shall I know more fully? Paul doesn't answer that question explicitly. I had always assumed 'God', and now I wonder if I had been 'filling the gaps'?
Ahmed Ali
12/8/2023 06:05:53 pm
Hello Nick. WHy do you say unhelpful steretyping? Stereotypes always unhelpful I think.
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Nick Wright
12/8/2023 06:16:04 pm
Hi Ahmed. Thank you for asking such an interesting and important question. In social psychology, our human ability to 'stereotype' has quite a lot of benefits. For example, it helps us to: simply complex situations that could otherwise leave us mentally overwhelmed; or enable us to anticipate the potential opportunities and demands of a new situation or relationship.
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Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! Like what you read? Simply enter your email address below to receive regular blog updates!
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