4 words

6/9/2016

‘We need to talk.’ 4 short words that can send a chill running down the spine. Perhaps it taps into being caught out as a child. That look from a parent or teacher when we know we’re in trouble. My wife called me into a room. ‘I want a divorce.’ 4 short, sharp words that created that same cold shiver. The room starts to spin, pulse races, breathing feels difficult. Fight, flight, freeze. Shock.

I want to run but my feet feel glued to the ground. It’s like I can’t move. Words clutter my brain and I speak but it all comes out clumsily, awkwardly, wrong. I feel angry and sad and understanding and confused. My wife’s face is telling its own story but I can’t read it. She looks absolutely the same and yet completely different. This is the woman I’ve known for 25 years. Scared – intimate strangers.

Life change really can feel like this, especially unexpected, out-of-the-blue change. It can send us reeling, a psychological, emotional and physical jolt. Debilitating and disorientating, dizzying in its effects. It draws deep spiritual and existential questions into sharp focus. ‘Why is this happening to me?’, ‘How could we have got here?’ It feels like grasping at mist, straining to take hold of God.

Perhaps you’re a leader, leading people through organisational change. Perhaps you’re a coach, therapist or trainer, working with people through transition. Here are 4 words of advice in such situations: Empathy: give people cathartic space to feel; Listen: create opportunities for people to talk; Patience: allow time for people to process what they're going through; Speak: 4 words – ‘I am with you.’

134 Comments

Cath Norris, MA, BA, Dip Couns

6/9/2016 05:38:09 pm

So powerful Nick. I'm spinning. My own unprocessed shock from saying 'I'm leaving'. These are such deep, still places, so easy to get stuck there. We really do need to take notice of one another. Your suggested approach is so tender. Thank you.

Nick Wright

6/9/2016 05:40:28 pm

Thank you, Cath. Yes, these are deep places...and tenderness and compassion can make such a difference. All the best. Nick

Daniel Siles

6/9/2016 05:46:24 pm

Excellent and very well written. Thank you, "I am with you".

6/9/2016 05:47:00 pm

Thank you, Daniel. Much appreciated. All the best. Nick

Jean Magnus

6/9/2016 06:00:05 pm

4 positive ways to create a safe space for a client to process and deal with trauma l appreciate this advice. thank you.

6/9/2016 06:00:40 pm

Hi Jean - and thank you. All the best. Nick

Pete Mosley

6/9/2016 08:05:29 pm

Right on the mark. Thank you.

6/9/2016 08:06:08 pm

Thank you, Pete, for your affirming feedback.. All the best. Nick

Michael Maiorano

6/9/2016 08:07:22 pm

Thanks for these thoughts Nick. This message really resonated with me today.

6/9/2016 08:08:27 pm

Thank you, Michael. I'm encouraged to hear it. All the best to you. Nick

Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)

6/9/2016 08:09:33 pm

When the one that we love leaves (for whatever reason that may be) we can be left in a state of profound shock. It can be as though we have entered a parallel universe that we would really rather not be part of. It can devastating, frightening and more. We know that it's true but we don't want to believe that it is. This is when we need to be self-compassionate and have the support of others who love us and know us well.

6/9/2016 08:19:49 pm

Thanks Stella. That's a good and vivid description. I'm reminded of God's promise in the Bible: 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' I feels very poignant in situations like this. Yes, love and support from others can make a great difference, whether in terms of personal trauma or situations at work that feel difficult to cope with. All the best. Nick

Ravi Kanadia

6/9/2016 08:21:01 pm

Nicely written.

6/9/2016 08:21:21 pm

Thanks Ravi. All the best. Nick

Shanti

7/9/2016 02:17:47 am

So well written, Nick. How do I hold the space for someone in grief and pain? The four sutras you mentioned are so important and necessary, whatever be the context.
Sharing one of my favourite quotes:
"Just to sit without expectation with someone who is in grief or fear or loneliness or despair, without trying to fix them in any way, or manipulate their experience to match your idea of how it should be; just to listen, without playing the role of ‘expert’ or ‘enlightened guru’ or ‘the one who knows best’; just to be totally available to the one in front of you, and to walk with them through the fire, to hold their hand when they are broken - this is how we begin to heal each other through love. Beyond our roles, unprotected, unresolved, undefended, we truly meet."
All the best!

7/9/2016 07:32:34 am

Thank you for sharing such beautiful words, Shanti. They certainly resonate with me at the moment... All the best. Nick

Penny Wolff

7/9/2016 07:33:30 am

So very very true.

7/9/2016 07:34:04 am

Thanks for the affirming feedback, Penny. All the best. Nick

Courtney Fraser

7/9/2016 07:35:16 am

Beautiful.

7/9/2016 07:35:46 am

Thank you, Courtney. All the best. Nick

Sarah-Jane Johnson MBACP

7/9/2016 09:53:06 am

Four very poignant words Nick - thank you for sharing a difficult personal experience in a compassionate way that we can all learn from.

8/9/2016 03:42:04 pm

Thank you for your kind and compassionate response, Sarah-Jane. All the best. Nick

Stevie-Cheree Cassidy

8/9/2016 03:16:18 pm

The end point and last '4 words' are brilliant and powerful when it comes to change management and our people.

8/9/2016 03:17:09 pm

Many thanks, Stevie-Cheree. All the best. Nick

Ron Bayless

8/9/2016 03:19:41 pm

Yeah - and please avoid "It'll be alright."

8/9/2016 03:21:13 pm

Thanks Ron. Yes, platitudes in these situations can feel like rubbing salt into wounds. All the best. Nick

Bobbie Petford

8/9/2016 03:21:55 pm

This is great advice. My recent experience of a major change process at work felt just like a dilute divorce. Also avoid saying 'this is difficult for me too...' as it is so undermining.

8/9/2016 03:24:09 pm

Thanks Bobbie. Yes, we face similar experiences whenever we face loss. That's good advice too. I worked in one organisation where a director who was responsible for making people redundant told them, 'You have no idea how hard this is for me too'. It didn't go down well, especially as his job wasn't at risk! All the best. Nick

Rita Edah

8/9/2016 03:25:30 pm

Powerful message: 'I am with you' - much more helpful/useful than 'be strong' or 'you are stronger than you think' and many such worn out platitudes floating around...Thanks for sharing.

8/9/2016 03:26:43 pm

Thanks Rita. Yes, especially if we really mean it...and it isn't just another platitude. I first heard these words in the Bible...and they really inspired me. All the best. Nick

Christine Boudesseul

8/9/2016 03:28:10 pm

Merci beaucoup!! I live in Chile and I use " al servicio y con amor".

8/9/2016 03:29:31 pm

Thank you, Christine. 'Service and love'. Yes - those are good words too and a great basis for leadership ethics and practice. All the best. Nick

Marianne Johansson

8/9/2016 03:30:30 pm

And always talk, then "I am with you" are always there in the talk listning process.

8/9/2016 03:31:46 pm

Thanks Marianne. Yes, I think 'I am with you' is like 'presence' in coaching practice. All the best. Nick

Pamina Mullins

8/9/2016 03:33:17 pm

Nick - sad, challenging in the extreme - and brilliantly explained as always. "Allow time for people to process" as you say, is so vital.

This may help too https://www.linkedin.com/e/v2?e=3bmm23-isps4vna-nl&a=pulse_web_view_article_detail_new_url&midToken=AQG7lZGRKG7VVA&tracking=eml-pad-b-art-0&ek=megaphone_author_email_digest&permLink=10-ways-ease-impact-change-fatigue-pamina-mullins

8/9/2016 03:33:58 pm

Thanks for your kind feedback, Pamina - and for the link. All the best. Nick

Tina Agbosa

8/9/2016 03:34:42 pm

Precise and captivating thoughts.

8/9/2016 03:35:16 pm

Many thanks, Tina. All the best. Nick

Robert Hodge

8/9/2016 03:35:55 pm

This is almost poetic. It certainly is organic and outside of most coaching protocols. Coaching overlaps with counseling, yet is much left to counselors. While I will coach a person in all areas of her or his life, my best is to know my boundaries and when to bring in others that can provide better support in those areas outside of my boundaries. Yet, it is often so difficult to tell a person that while I empathize and care, I can't help them like they may desire. I can still and always implement your four points.

8/9/2016 03:39:15 pm

Thanks Robert. I think there are many parallels between some forms of coaching and some forms of counselling and, as you say, it's important to know and to contract within our boundaries. I think these final 4 words apply to both fields. Do you agree? All the best. Nick

8/9/2016 04:39:08 pm

Yes, the last four words describe being good human beings. It sounds so simple, yet one doesn't hear that much in an organizational setting. As I begin a coaching session with "How are you today, really?" , I have seen tears from people who say that in twenty years at the company of over 4,000, nobody ever asked that before, because nobody really cares. Anybody in that company could say those last four words and it could make all the difference in the world.

8/9/2016 04:41:41 pm

Thanks Robert. That's such a moving account. I see my mission in life as to humanise organisations that seem to have lost their sense of humanity somehow. I've seen such amazing transformations in people, teams and organisations over the years that I'm more convinced than ever that is a way for the future. All the best. Nick

Roya Rafferty

8/9/2016 03:39:51 pm

Excellent.

8/9/2016 03:40:23 pm

Thanks Roya. All the best. Nick

Terrence H. Seamon

8/9/2016 04:14:07 pm

Good post, Nick. I like the 4 points.

8/9/2016 04:14:41 pm

Thanks Terrence. All the best. Nick

Adriana Burlea

8/9/2016 04:16:21 pm

Sometimes you can see it is coming, but maybe you don't really want to attend to it consciously. Your mind, your whole being tells you that things are not OK, yet you hang on a scrap of hope telling yourself that your imagination is playing tricks on you. The more you try to banish the thoughts related to it, the sharper they become! And eventually you have to attend to the reality of the other empathizing with her/him creating the path for your healing. And sometimes, this sort of " letting go" relives you from a lifetime of misery which you considered a bliss!

8/9/2016 04:19:02 pm

Thanks Adriana. Yes, I think there's truth in that...although sometimes the relief is only clear in retrospect and not in the midst of the tunnel experience! All the best. Nick

Renata Jakielaszek

9/9/2016 10:33:47 am

Warm writing. Much appreciated. Lots of wisdom there.
From me : the Magic of Real Human Conversation.
Speech, the most specifically human sound, and the most significant kind of sound is never just scenery, it’s always the event.
When you speak a word to a listener, the speaking is an act. And it is a mutual act: the listener’s listening enables the speaker’s speaking. It is a shared event, intersubjective: the listener and speaker entrain with each other.
"Every act of communication is an act of tremendous courage in which we give ourselves over to two parallel possibilities: the possibility of planting into another mind a seed sprouted in ours and watching it blossom into a breathtaking flower of mutual understanding; and the possibility of being wholly misunderstood, reduced to a withering weed.
And the most magical thing, the most sacred thing, is that whichever the outcome, we end up having transformed one another in this vulnerable-making process of speaking and listen.

9/9/2016 10:35:16 am

Hi Renata. Thanks for sharing such profound thoughts - and so poetically! All the best. Nick

Julie Genney

9/9/2016 10:35:57 am

Like it.

9/9/2016 10:36:38 am

Thanks Julie. All the best. Nick

Carin Laurie

9/9/2016 10:37:52 am

Yes, Nick... that whole self shock as if having been physically punched out of nowhere. That sense of the world as known turning inside out and upside down and you reeling from the sudden shift. Something like feeling the effect of an earthquake? And, whether you knew you were living on a fault line or whether you didn't, it still shocks.

9/9/2016 10:38:42 am

That certainly resonates with my experience, Carin. All the best. Nick

Federico Fioretto

9/9/2016 10:39:36 am

Be also careful when you do the 4 step: Speak. If you are NOT really "with the person" that will pass through and will worsen the effect.

9/9/2016 10:40:16 am

I agree, Federico. Authenticity is so important in this. All the best. Nick

Hemani Jayaswal

9/9/2016 10:41:45 am

I am with you - how simple yet so Powerful . Thanks.

9/9/2016 10:42:52 am

Thanks Hemani. Interestingly, it is the same words that God speaks to us in the Bible. All the best. Nick

Tuncel Gulsoy

9/9/2016 10:43:39 am

I think being honest and open in what you are saying can help a lot too.

9/9/2016 10:44:37 am

Thanks Tuncel. I agree. That is was what I was hoping for in writing this intensely personal piece. All the best. Nick

Judy Hamilton

9/9/2016 10:45:16 am

Thanks for sharing.

9/9/2016 10:45:56 am

Thanks Judy. It wasn't easy...but it felt important. All the best. Nick

Derek Bailey

9/9/2016 10:47:08 am

Subliminal and resonates.

9/9/2016 10:47:49 am

Thanks Derek. I'm pleased. All the best. Nick

Veronica Ebanks

9/9/2016 10:48:34 am

Thanks for sharing Nick. This is really sound advice. All the best.

9/9/2016 10:49:17 am

Thanks for your affirming feedback, Veronica. Much appreciated. All the best. Nick

Mark Every

9/9/2016 10:50:31 am

Short but powerful. Sage advice. Very timely given the sometimes increasingly cold corporate environments some of us are exposed to.

9/9/2016 10:52:38 am

Many thanks Mark. Yes, I don't understand why some organisations find it necessary or desirable to dehumanise their behaviours and environments. All the best. Nick

Fista Octa

9/9/2016 10:53:29 am

"Im with you"... the key word. Fista

9/9/2016 10:53:56 am

Thanks Fista. All the best. Nick

Sekararajan Balagurunathan

9/9/2016 10:54:59 am

Instill confidence and hope for a better future and stability.

9/9/2016 10:55:40 am

I agree, Sekararajan...but how to do it? All the best. Nick

Barry Moses

9/9/2016 10:56:23 am

Well written. Powerful message. Short and concise. Love it.

9/9/2016 10:57:13 am

Thanks for such affirming (and concise!) feedback, Barry. :) All the best. Nick

Daniela Bonvicini

10/9/2016 11:42:19 am

Thank you for this contribute🌹

10/9/2016 11:42:50 am

You are welcome, Daniela. All the best. Nick

Vanessa Vershaw

10/9/2016 11:43:34 am

Beautiful, powerful .. Simple.

10/9/2016 11:44:19 am

Many thanks for your kind feedback, Vanessa. All the best. Nick

Jyoti (Joie) Arora

10/9/2016 11:45:31 am

Amazing ! Could not agree more !

10/9/2016 11:46:08 am

Thank you, Jyoti! :) All the best. Nick

Caroline Stevens

10/9/2016 11:48:04 am

I agree and what you wrote about is so true. Being there for the person who is going thru their hardship, and uncertainties while in need, are or can be all over sorts in emotions which is confusing to say the least. Their grieving time can be short or lengthy. Plus they need to hang on to God- it's the most essential for them to heal. And as essential for those who say "they'll be there" need to be or best not state it at all.
Caroline

10/9/2016 11:49:12 am

Thank you, Caroline. Those things are certainly true in my own experience. All the best. Nick

Amal Al jamal

10/9/2016 11:50:11 am

That amazing , I love the deep in it 👍🏻

10/9/2016 11:50:57 am

Thank you, Amal - and I'm reminded that your name means 'hope'! All the best. Nick

Hoana Walters

10/9/2016 11:52:31 am

How appropriate and respectful thank you.

10/9/2016 11:52:59 am

Thank you, Hoana. All the best. Nick

Piper Purdon

11/9/2016 09:13:05 pm

Agree it's about Courage in having a difficult conversation - humility must be part of this process - as the Toltec philosophy says : Be impeccable with your words.

11/9/2016 09:15:15 pm

Thanks Piper. Yes, courage and humility are 2 critical sides of the same coin...as are grace and truth. All the best. Nick

Dr Patricia Ogilvie Frederick

11/9/2016 09:16:05 pm

Interesting article. It's not the words" We need to talk" but sometimes the tone in which it is said.

11/9/2016 09:17:49 pm

I agree, Patricia. It also depends on things like belief, intention, emotion and trust. All the best. Nick

Julie DuPont

11/9/2016 09:18:47 pm

Nick, your first step of Empathy cannot be overstated. And as Federico mentioned, doing so authentically is what, in my opinion, differentiates true coaching presence from mere coaching process. Thank you for the insightful article

11/9/2016 09:19:53 pm

Thanks Julie. I think you expressed the distinction between presence and process well. All the best. Nick

Tess Josy Bokhorst

11/9/2016 09:22:37 pm

The only way out is go through , like a rabbit hole . Help people to see/find the light , you have to struggle , have to fight , keep understanding and compassion inside .

11/9/2016 09:23:38 pm

Thanks Tess. It certainly feels like that sometimes! All the best. Nick

Richa Bhatnagar

11/9/2016 09:24:46 pm

Nick....Thanks for sharing. Giving an empathetic hearing is most important.We may not realise it's worth sometimes and underestimate its magical powers but it does excellent therapeutic work,especially during tough times.

11/9/2016 09:26:53 pm

Thanks Richa. Yes, the impact of empathetic presence and hearing and 'I am with you' can feel magical and deeply therapeutic. All the best. Nick

Tom Robinson FLPI FBILD MCIPD

11/9/2016 09:30:46 pm

Another 4 words of doom: "it's not working out"...
Good advice by the way :)

11/9/2016 09:31:28 pm

Thanks Tom. :) All the best. Nick

Kevin Smalley

11/9/2016 09:33:35 pm

Are you being judged, criticized, pushed and burden while you're going through change or finding your feet? Or do you receive empathy, cathartic space to feel and time to process what you're going through? Do you hear the words "We need to talk" or the words "I am with you."

11/9/2016 09:34:17 pm

I agree, Kevin. That distinction makes all the difference. All the best. Nick

Ashutosh Hurnam

19/9/2016 02:55:36 pm

Wonderful piece of advice. Thank you.

19/9/2016 02:56:28 pm

Thank you for your kind feedback, Ashutosh. All the best. Nick

Neill Hahn

19/9/2016 02:57:32 pm

Excellent Nick. I'm a personal counsellor & have attended lectures & read many books on the subject (I'm sure you have too), but you have usefully summarized them all in order, in 4 memorable points.
Sadly, unknowingly, people will often skip over point 1, (allowing others to feel what they feel), and instead attend to their own anxieties by trying to block the other person's emotions. "Don't cry", "you shouldn't feel angry", "something worse happened to me" (then you have to hear about that, while feeling emotionally discounted), etc. It's a major point to attend to.
For a visual representation/reminder, I have sometimes pictured how a pet dog would do it (better than some people) - 1) They don't require you to feel some other way; 2) They allow you to talk (no choice, but it still works); 3) They have patience - nothing they'd rather do than - 4) be with you (they just do it without saying it). But I really like your human-method summary as a memorable reminder too. Thanks!

19/9/2016 03:00:46 pm

Many thanks, Neill. What a fascinating comparison with a pet dog!! :) All the best. Nick

Sandra Whiles

19/9/2016 03:01:31 pm

Nick - this is really helpful and a great reminder. Thanks.

19/9/2016 03:02:10 pm

Thank you, Sandra! All the best. Nick

Anna-Mari Siekkeli

19/9/2016 03:08:34 pm

4 important words of advice: empathy, listen, patience, speak.

19/9/2016 03:09:18 pm

Thanks Anna-Mari. All the best. Nick

Kimberly Anne Blake

19/9/2016 03:10:15 pm

Thank you, loving people right where they are, supportive, love heals, is safe, we all fall short.

19/9/2016 03:11:17 pm

Yes, Kimberly. We cannot over-emphasise the impact of love. All the best. Nick

Patricia Keegan Ed.D.

19/9/2016 03:13:17 pm

Love this succinct reminder Nick. A painful spot can make you want to charge forward rather than "be with the other." Thanks.

19/9/2016 03:14:44 pm

Thanks Patricia. In my experience, 'being with' can sometimes feel nothing short of life-saving. All the best. Nick

Coaching Development

19/9/2016 03:16:17 pm

Really like those suggestions about how to respond and suppprt people in painful situations.

19/9/2016 03:17:02 pm

Hi Coaching Development and thanks for the affirming feedback. All the best. Nick

Kristine Hart

19/9/2016 03:30:18 pm

Hi Nick...You said it...Your ability to convey in writing, the physical and emotional state where one goes to when faced in utter shock and disbelief...The Best, is it really does Pass and Improve. My Sincere Thanks. Kristine

19/9/2016 03:31:24 pm

Thank you for your kind words, Kristine. Yes, there is always hope. All the best. Nick

Wael A Jamaan

19/9/2016 03:33:14 pm

Thanks for the post. I was wondering what words would energize the brain to act? I see it from the emotional part but my brain still needs a push. How about an action statement. Thanks again for sharing. WJ

19/9/2016 03:35:33 pm

Thanks for the stimulating response, Wael. I think the 'action' part usually comes best later in a person's transition process. If we try to push a person when they are still reeling from the immediate impact, it is likely to provoke more pain and resistance than useful change. All the best. Nick

Lars Bolin

19/9/2016 03:36:15 pm

Invite to talk. Listen carefully. Get ready for your journey.

19/9/2016 03:37:39 pm

Thanks Lars. The journey can be very different for different people, or for the same people in different circumstances...so patience and listening are so important. All the best. Nick

Nicky Haverson

19/9/2016 03:38:30 pm

What beautiful simplicity for what can be very complex and emotional situations. Thank you.

19/9/2016 03:39:32 pm

Thank you for such kind and affirming feedback, Nicky. All the best. Nick

Melba Cumplido

20/9/2016 09:45:18 am

Been there, done that!! Great article.

20/9/2016 09:45:57 am

Thanks Melba. All the best. Nick

Maria Owczarek-Berger PhD

20/9/2016 05:39:52 pm

Dear Nick,
Thank you for his question. I know what it's mean feeling like this.
My method of work is following:
1. Listening. Listen everything carefully without comments and ponder in my heart. Experience this with client in the deep part of my soul.
2. Understanding. Asking clarification questions to be sure if I get this right.
3. Judging reality of the situation, for example if this is any space to change this now. We never know if this is possible change this in the future. We can judge now only. For example if wife will participate in the coaching session too. The next steps depends on this answer.
4. Deciding what next. In this step we are able to see the situation from the wider perspective. We can find all possible options and find the best for us in this moment.
There are four next steps to build life again from this point. According to my experience, possibility to build life our own way, independently and effectively can often attract back former partner.

20/9/2016 05:41:36 pm

Thanks for your thoughtful comments, Maria. I especially liked your statement, 'Experience this with client in the deep part of my soul.' All the best. Nick

Ian Henderson

20/9/2016 05:42:30 pm

Nick, this is brilliant and so valuable to me for which I thank you.

20/9/2016 05:43:12 pm

Many thanks for such encouraging feedback, Ian! All the best. Nick

Tara Parker

20/9/2016 05:44:08 pm

Great advice, Nick. I think the one we all tend to see tested the most is patience. I have two clients that are my more challenging clients as they require the most patience. While I may be ready for their change they are not and I must have that patience to let them continue to feel what they need in order to move forward. It is great to receive reassurance of my instincts and my passion work from experts such as yourself. Thank you for extending your vulnerabilities and using them in a way to help others define their ability to relate. You were not looking for sympathy or attention but rather providing space for others to learn and grow. I strongly feel that is the mark of a truly caring, passionate coach and I applaud you for being transparent and insightful simultaneously.

20/9/2016 05:45:22 pm

Thank you for such heart-warming feedback, Tara. I really appreciate it. All the best. Nick

Marie McIntyre

24/9/2016 07:13:17 pm

Wouldn't it be great if all of humanity could follow those brilliant four steps. Thanks for sharing.

24/9/2016 07:14:03 pm

Many thanks, Marie. I really appreciate your encouraging feedback! All the best. Nick

Melanie Bowker

6/10/2016 09:16:06 am

Hey Nick, your 4 words of advice are a perceptive summary of the balance needed to offer support without taking over. Thanks.

6/10/2016 09:16:51 am

Thanks Melanie. Much appreciated. All the best. Nick

4 words

Leave a Reply.

Nick Wright

Archives

Categories

4 words

Leave a Reply.

​Nick Wright

​Archives

Categories

Nick Wright

Archives