A psychology of space

15/1/2013

‘Live and let live’ sounds great until someone crosses the line or invades your borders. The man sitting next to me on the train this morning was an example, his feet spreading over into my foot space. I could feel myself tense up with irritation, ‘How could he be so annoying?’ In fact, I really dislike it when anyone crosses into my physical, psychological or emotional space uninvited.

It’s not that I’m an intensely private person. It’s something about protecting my freedom and control. I get stressed when someone plays their music or TV too loud, when kids kick the football against my house wall, when someone tries to manipulate or force me to do something. It’s as if these things feel like infringements on my freedom, my choices, my sense of autonomy.

Khalil Gibran in The Prophet emphasises the value of space as essential for healthy human relationships. Psychologically, it’s about relating independently from a secure base in order to avoid unhealthy co-dependence or confluence. We could compare it recognising the necessary value of spaces between words and musical notes, enabling us to hear the lyrics and melody.

In a work environment it could be about enabling space for people to express their own values, their own creativity, to innovate. It could be about ensuring people have their own desk space or time in their diaries to think. It could be about checking that roles and responsibilities are clearly defined and delineated to avoid confusion. It could be about avoiding risks of micromanagement.

I’m reminded of a group dynamics workshop I co-facilitated with Brian Watts (www.karis.biz). Brian invited participants to stand opposite each other at a distance then slowly to walk towards each other until they felt they wanted to stop. It was fascinating to notice patterns in behaviour, how people felt as they moved towards, where they chose to stop in order to safeguard space.

Typically in that group, women would stop at a greater distance to men than men would to women. In fact, a man would often continue walking towards a woman even after she had stopped, causing her to instinctively step back. Men stopped at a greater distance from other men and women stood closer to other women than they stood to men, or men stood to men.

Personal space is also influenced by culture as well as gender and individual preference. Some cultures view such space as more important than others and people within cultures learn where to move, where to stop, where to place and uphold unspoken boundaries. It can create awkward tensions when people from different cultures navigate the spaces between them.

My own spacial preferences reflect my personal disposition, my personality traits. The cultural dimension suggests that my ideas, experiences and feelings about space are socially constructed too. If I had grown up in a different cultural environment, I may well have learned to experience and negotiate space and boundaries very differently. Once conditioned, it’s hard to change.

I guess the real challenge lies in how to enter and navigate space in a world where people with different values and preferences coexist and continually interact with each other physically or virtually, occupying the same or adjacent spaces. Perhaps it’s about how to create and safeguard the space we need without isolating ourselves, infringing on others’ boundaries or overriding others’ needs.

What are your experiences of space? What are the anxieties and pressures that cause us to avoid or squeeze out space? How can we create space for ourselves and others in our lives, relationships and organisations? What are the psycho-social and spiritual costs of inadequate space? How do we balance space with pace? How can we learn to breathe?

43 Comments

Roni Oren

16/1/2013 01:03:27 am

In my more than 20 years experience as Human Resources manager I have found how important is giving space to managers as well to any other employee in the company. Yes this is work but still giving suitable space to each person increases the joy of work, the creativity, the assumed responsibility. Than after becoming an Organizational consultant I wrote a book about it called the "Art of Space Management" which identifies what are the critical parameters of the space need to be managed in order to benefit from the giving space without losing control. The book is available on Amazon and on Kindle.

Nick Wright

16/1/2013 12:20:09 pm

Hi Roni and thanks for signposting what looks like a fascinating book. Here's the Amazon link: http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Space-Management-Roni-Oren/dp/1479192074/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1358367290&sr=8-1. You comment made me think about, 'what is optimal space?'. In relationships and work, a certain degree of healthy space is a condition for healthy relationships. At the same time, too much space, too great a distance or too little contact can be unhealthy or unhelpful. I would be interested to hear what you think. With best wishes. Nick

17/1/2013 09:28:22 am

As shown on the article you have shared with us, Different people need different space. Space, when it is too much generates feeling of loneliness, feeling of being lost, and feeling of despair. On the other hand too little space can make you feel your hands are tide and you have no room for yourself in it. The space given to individuals as well as managers in the organization must be in line with the situation and with personal capabilities. The critical parameters of the space as I analyzed it are 5. 3 of them are structural and they are: Targets, Boundaries and Degrees of Freedom and the other 2 are psychological: Holding and containing. In our discussion I would say that the Boundaries and degrees of freedom are the actual space and the holding and containing are the emotional support for the individual in the assumed space. I personally believe that in the organization every person can developed and grow in to bigger and wider space without feelings of being left alone if he or she gets the right support. (This is why the book called "The Art of space management")

Tim Soden

16/1/2013 01:05:09 am

Hello Nick
Thank you for your well constructed and informative article and that you have personalized it makes it even more intriguing.

I suppose we have all experienced an emotional dichotomy when our personal space is invaded.

Another perspective is that as well as cultural and national in/tolerance of proximity there are also personality differences that depend on our attitude to life. For example if we know the person we could simply enjoy the proximity or ask them to move closer depending on our relationship.

To make a judgement about being intimidated by an invasion of our space by a stranger says a lot about how we view the world and create or resolve conflict within it.

Labeling someone who's close proximity is called an invasion is a form of judgement that implies some form of deliberate action or intent.

Alternatively instead of assuming that we are being made a victim this could be an opportunity for interaction and pleasant dialogue.

I feel this article is not so much about cultural identities but the age old notion about protecting our "bubble" and I see no difference between this and our reaction to drivers who invade our space on the road and our judgement makes them "wrong" and asserts our superior "rightness".

This is about us and our own ways of dealing with personal intolerance and could also divide the world into hand shakers or huggers.

As I tend to use public transport on a regular basis if I am being cramped I would simply say "excuse me could you give me a bit more room" and perhaps follow up with "do you travel on this train often"?

Over the years this has led me into many interesting and informative conversations and also created long term business and personal relationships, but then I am a chatterbox and not easily intimidated by my own imagination.

Perhaps the antidote to invasion is compassion.

"Many of our disappointments and much of our unhappiness arise from our forming false notions of things and persons". ~ Abigail Adams, politically astute first lady.

I also fully appreciate that my perspectives are too simplistic for some.

Kind regards
Tim

leila

16/1/2013 03:34:39 am

i really like the blog you have posted Nick, and the comments Tim has added. This blog ties very well with your recorded comments on touch Nick. We are, indeed, torn between social limitations and the limitless need to connect on many levels with compassion.

16/1/2013 12:49:28 pm

Hi Leila and thanks for the note. I really like the connection you draw between 'space' and 'touch' (http://www.nick-wright.com/1/post/2011/06/a-touching-place.html). Could you say a little more about 'social limitations' and 'the limitless need to connect'? It sounds intriguing. With best wishes. Nick

16/1/2013 12:41:36 pm

Hi Tim and thanks for such thoughtful and inspiring comments. I like your explanation of how the language we use, even to ourselves, reveals and creates a way of perceiving the world, ourselves and others in relation to us. I once wrote an article along these lines that you may find interesting: http://www.nick-wright.com/trouble-d.html.

I'm interested too how groups, communities, organisations, nations, international bodies etc. can develop their own definitions of the world. Such definitions provide a degree of coherence for those who hold them but can also blind us to other possibilities. This is where social constructionists comment that 'reality is perception'.

I also liked your explanation of how we can subconsciously or consciously attribute intention to a person's actions. It links to 'mind reading' in cognitive psychology, assuming we know what another person is thinking and intending, based on our own subjective observation and evaluation of their actions.

I loved your emphasis on reaching out, on compassion. It calls us to treat others in the way we would perhaps like to be treated ourselves, to offer an open hand instead of a closed fist. I too have had some similar positive experiences on trains, e.g. http://www.nick-wright.com/1/post/2012/06/a-girl-on-a-train.html. :)

With best wishes. Nick

Funmi Johnson link

16/1/2013 10:20:31 am

I wasn't sure what to expect when i read the title of this piece, but it's another thought provoking article. What comes up for me in terms of space is stereotyping. When people assume what you are like/how you will behave, based on a stereotype, it is stifling, spacewise as well as disrespectful.

16/1/2013 12:55:27 pm

Hi Funmi and thanks for the note. What a fascinating link between space and stereotyping. It sounds like you are saying that being placed in a proverbial 'box' by another person or perhaps by a social stereotype reduces our felt space. I find that social psychological aspect very profound. With best wishes. Nick

16/1/2013 10:31:59 am

Space assumes boundaries, which is definitely cultural. Kissing complete strangers (3 times!!!) albeit the air not the cheek is definitely something I had to get used to. At the same time, the husband had to get used to asian hospitality where it is perfectly acceptable for 6 people to come stay in Brussels all at the same time.. bearing in mind there was 1 guest room and the rest were in the living room (we had 1 bathroom).. I don't think he has gotten over the shock, he calls them my people :)

I like to think about grace. To exercise grace when someone crosses my boundaries and to try to communicate what they are..Of course this applies to the different people that I meet. Of course I am too asian and I only speak out when these boundaries are grossly crossed else I just suffer in silence :)

When things get bad (which they often do), I think its important to go back to the source of grace and try to find some peace, energy to be gracious again!

You are asking questions that cannot only be answered theoretically but need to be lived out :)

which meant that topics that he counts taboo are completely spoken about, when it is f

16/1/2013 10:33:52 am

oops. i forgot to delete some of my thoughts.. pls don't mind them.

16/1/2013 01:11:30 pm

Hi gp and thanks for such stimulating thoughts. Perhaps 'kissing in the air' is a cultural expression of contact-without-contact, touching-without-touching, entering another's space without invading their space. Its about ritual and managing an interpersonal boundary.

I really liked your example of Asian hospitality in a different environment. It strikes me that there are different cultural spacial comfort zones and different cultural views about who the space 'belongs' to, especially in a family or community context.

I have northern European friends who have commented on how they struggled to protect their personal space when working in Asia and Africa. It's as if their felt need for space (often meaning time alone) was in conflict with community expectations of togetherness.

I liked your emphasis on grace. It definitely resonates with my own experience! At my best, I can reach beyond my boundaries towards those who may seem to breach them. It often depends on how motivated I feel or much emotional energy I have in the moment.

With best wishes and thanks for sharing so honestly. Nick

Renata Kulpa MI

16/1/2013 12:00:25 pm

Nick,
I greatly enjoyed your piece.
Tim,
I very much liked your comments as they touch upon some things I have been pondering about - compassion/self compassion. Feeling compassion for another implies having the understanding for their experience, situations, challenges and imperfections (on the rain and subway, ouch). Being compassionate requires the suspension of judgment and criticism: http://lifemoodscoaching.com/blog/compassion-for-self-and-others

16/1/2013 01:19:25 pm

Hi Renata and thanks for the encouraging feedback. I enjoyed reading your 'compassion' blog, particularly the notion of 'self-compassion' alongside compassion for others. It reminded me of personal identification with onself or another and spiritual qualities such as kindness, forgiveness, mercy and grace. With best wishes. Nick

Karen Boanas FCIPD MAC

16/1/2013 12:02:03 pm

Hi Nick, I recognise the situation you found yourself in today. This week I found myself in a nail bar with a woman next to me who kept twisting her chair and unbeknown to her every time she twisted her chair wheels hit mine. I felt frustrated by the constant knocking and first considered politely joking to her that she was nudging me but I stopped for a moment and looked at her. She had a genuinely happy energy and the movement had a childlike playfulness about it. I decided that I could simply move my chair a little to the left to rectify the situation for me and leave her in her happy place.

Personally I like my space and in an uncomfortable situation when I feel triggered to judge or ask /tell someone they need to change I will want to test the waters first to make sure that my behaviour is led by more than an immediate reaction. I want to recognise the difference between people who are generally kinaesthetic and tend to touch and be close, people who are unaware that they are in my view too close for comfort or being annoying and those who use personal space as a form of power. By taking the time to stop for a moment and test the situation I will adjust my body language in the hope that I can educate people through my behaviour about what is acceptable to me and what is not and if this does not work I will have the conversation general wrapped I learning about difference recognising them and asking them to recognise me.

16/1/2013 01:31:48 pm

Hi Karen and thanks for sharing such a great parallel example from the nail bar. :) I could certainly empathise with your experience. I really like the way that you acknowledge how you feel yet pause and reflect before making judgements or choosing how to respond.

I found your distinctions betwen people who are kinaesthetic, people who are unaware and people who use space as power helpful. I also like the way you frame the conversation, if you choose to have one, respectfully around difference and preference.

I like my space and I'm also a kinaesthetic person. Touch is important to me but it's something for me about choice. As Tim commented above, there are times when I enjoy the proximity or want to move closer. It feels very different when it feels imposed.

With thanks again for sharing such a great personal example and helpful thoughts. With best wishes. Nick

16/1/2013 12:03:13 pm

Oops I meant generally wrapped in learning!

Bridget

16/1/2013 02:46:10 pm

Another interesting blog.... I can relate to your feelings of irritation when someone "invades" your personal space. I agree with GP that space assumes boundaries and when my boundaries are deliberately invaded I can feel annoyed or manipulated. I guess the thing is that sometimes other people don't know where our boundary lines are until they cross them! Oops.

I like the idea of grace that others have mentioned too. I recently got irritated with my Mum as she kept invading my personal space physically and getting too close to me when I was trying to get on with things. Then I realized that she got close because that was the only way that she could see properly... Immediate change of perspective....!

Food for thought...

B

17/1/2013 12:07:34 am

Hi Bridget and thanks for your reflections on this topic. I liked the point you made that others may not be aware of our preferred boundary lines and may, therefore, cross them inadvertently. Your story of your Mum made me smile. :) What an excellent example of how we can accidentally misinterpret anothers' actions.

A related idea I've found helpful is to try not to assume that others' actions are somehow directed at or related to me, e.g. I may assume a person playing loud music is being deliberately annoying or insensitive (i.e. inferring an attitude), whereas he or she may have no idea at all that someone else could be upset by it.

With best wishes. Nick

17/1/2013 12:00:49 am

Hi all. I woke this morning and wondered if you might like this tongue-in-cheek blog: http://www.nick-wright.com/1/post/2011/10/a-raving-introvert.html..? This short video on TED is also worth watching: http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html. Nick

Karen Bailey link

17/1/2013 03:02:35 pm

Hi Nick

Your blog reminded me of an introduction to a paper I once wrote

On the Water

My hands guide the paddle through the surface of the water.
It is a silent, gentle stroke, forceful with perfect rhythm.
The narrow marathon boat is unstable;
It needs energy and momentum to keep it upright.
To achieve absolute balance;
The internal disorder of the body must be tamed.
I am at one with my boat; I am at one with the water.
I am in my space.

The morning dampness is fresh.
A slight breeze travels up the valley.
The light it twitching and playful as dawn breaks;
Yet the waters appear black and glassy.
I up the tempo of my paddle stroke.
There is no sound - except the sound of my breathing.

Off the water I feel revived, refreshed.
What has happened ‘on the water’ is more than the physical exercise.
A creative knowing also transcends.
The impossible tasks of the day now have possible solutions.
Yet my only conscious thoughts were of paddling and balance.
Where did this creative knowing come from?
It came from un-cluttering the chaos of mind and body,
And just being at one with the water.
(December 2008)

Marian link

18/1/2013 10:13:47 am

Hi Nick,

I've read your article and all the comments with much interest (I am a first time visitor to your site, via the Emotional Intelligence linkedin group) and can certainly identify with your experience on the train and Karen's in the nail bar. I went swimming yesterday and in a pool with plenty of room, a man climbed into the pool and chose to swim directly in front of me, which meant I had to navigate around him. I'm also interested in the different cultural ideas about space, as I will be going to Japan for the first time this year.

In my work, I use a process called "Clean Space" in which a client creates spaces in the room to represent different aspects of his/her experience (or maybe different people). By spending a short time in each space and creating a network between them, it is possible for people to find out a lot about the way they are thinking and to resolve issues. You could think of it as a different kind of 'psychology of space', where you use the space to help you think. :)

I hope I am not infringing any boundaries by mentioning this. :)

25/1/2013 08:40:18 pm

Hi Marian and thanks for the note. I can identify with your experience in the swimming pool - I've had similar things happen so frequently, including the opposite where faster swimmers swim directly at slower ones, that I avoid swimming now unless I can find a time when there are few people in the pool.

It's that challenge again of how to navigate space in public environments, including with other people who may have very different notions of or values around space and boundaries.

I was fascinated by your 'clean space' idea. Could you say something more about what it entails in practice, perhaps with an example to illustrate it (without breaching confidential boundaries)? I also wondered if you may find this article interesting: http://www.nick-wright.com/just-do-it.html.

I would be very interested to hear how you find your experience in Japan. With best wishes. Nick

26/1/2013 03:27:22 am

Hi Nick,

Clean Space was developed by David Grove and there is a short description here: http://cleanlearning.co.uk/faq/answers/what-is-clean-space/ and articles about it here: http://www.cleanlanguage.co.uk/articles/articles/24/ and here: http://www.cleanlanguage.co.uk/articles/articles/255.

I used it with my daughter yesterday (have permission to share) who was in a bind: she has MS and is taking a drug called Tysabri which is very powerful - and works well - and which also carries a very tiny risk of death. She has researched alternative therapies and is on a strict diet, which also has a good track record. She is definitely well (cannot detect any symptoms apart from being tired in the evenings and this is a big contrast to how she was 15 months ago when she was diagnosed) but she doesn't know whether that's due to the drug or the diet. She has said for a while that she would like to come off the drug in time and has done a lot of work on herself to ensure she is healthy, but still did not trust her body to behave. (There is a very high rate of relapse amongst people who stop the drug.)

Anyway, I am writing a book, and she let me use this story as an example of a bind. (She is keen for other people to know about the diet, which can be found here: http://www.overcomingmultiplesclerosis.org) and seeing it in writing motivated her to stop ignoring this problem and so we did the clean space session.

At the start of a CS session, you invite the client to 'write or draw what you would like to work on'. She wrote 'To know what is the right thing to do'. Then invited her to place the paper 'where it needs to be'. She attached it with blu-tak to a glass door looking out over a view. Then she placed herself where she needed to be in relation to it - facing it, about 5 paces away.

This set up ensures that a client begins to recognise the importance of space and to relate to the spatial nature of their information. The placing of the paper in that position was no accident, but carefully thought through, and she moved several times before settling on the space 5 paces away.

The next step is to ask, "And what do you know here?" Then "And is there anything else you know here?" This elicited information about the decision making process and the importance of her making a decision rather than staying on the drug as a default position. Then "And what could this space be called?" It was "Knowing I need to make a decision."

Then I invited her to find another space and repeated the above questions (more or less) in each space. Sometimes, I asked her about another space and sometimes I invited her to "Find a space that knows something else about ... ?" In this way, a network of spaces was developed. Each was marked with a Post-It Note.

Her spaces were called: Deflated; Almost confident; Calm; Sensible; [Child's name] is OK; [Husband's name]; Cross with deflated; Logical overview; and Practice being calm.

When a number of spaces have been established (minimum 4 but usually 6 or more), you can invite the client to return to a named space and then ask, "And what do you know here now?"

Through this process, she discovered that (a) she definitely wants to come off the drug. That is the right decision. To trust her body enough to do that, she has to be calm. She discovered this in a space that was beyond the glass door (i.e. went outside, wrapped up warm). Doing the diet is not enough, and sometimes causes stress (e.g. when eating out) and being calm is more important. To be calm, she will enrol in yoga and meditation classes. Then she will come off the drug. Interestingly, the 'Logical overview' space was standing on a table, which she did without hesitation and which demonstrated to me just how well she is, because at the time of diagnosis she couldn't balance and could not walk three or four steps without lurching from side to side.

I hope this gives you a taste of the process!

With warm wishes, Marian

25/1/2013 08:30:35 pm

Hi Karen and thanks for sharing this piece with such beautiful and evocative imagery.

I found your reflections in the final paragraph fascinating and it reminded me of ideas in Gestalt psychology about interconnectedness between different aspects of physical, psychological and emotional experience.

I too have had similar experiences. For example, I've noticed that going for a walk if I'm feeling stuck mentally seems to release fresh insight and awareness. It's as if physical movement can enable psychological movement.

In a second example, I once went through a particularly painful emotional experience which felt like powerful waves running through me. I went body boarding on the sea to experience the physical movement of the waves and it felt therapeutic.

Thanks again for sharing profound insights in such a creative and poetic way. With best wishes. Nick

18/1/2013 01:30:40 pm

Hi Nick

The excellent quality of your question is reflected in the responses.

Renata is spot on and her short comment contains much wisdom.

So just to push at the envelope of my comfort zone a tad what is very often missing from understanding the cause and effect of compassion is taking responsibility that it starts or ends from within us.

One way to avoid dealing with the emotional impact (invasion of space) is to refer to something outside of us (judgement) instead of exploring what we actually feel.

This is the conundrum of leadership at what point do we let go of the need to blame or reconcile our actions through excuse, anecdotal story or carefully contrived example, to take responsibility for our actions, after all if others are afflicted by human frailty then it is alright for us as well?

Perhaps this is right at the core of basic integrity as it is often easier to fight for our principals than it is to live by them and is the comfort zone or escape for "the expert".

There comes a time to stop learning and start practicing.

"Operating with your heart may seem awkward, like a baby taking his first steps. Unlike the mind, the heart operates in the mode of giving of yourself instead of protecting yourself. The heart is how we demonstrate selflessness and compassion". ~ Scott Carbonara ~ Modern Leadership Story Teller

One simple way to practice this could be to let go of any desire for more knowledge and practice connecting with empathy, communicating with humility and acting with compassion.

There is often a sense of lightness and space created by this process I call awareness.

Kind regards
Tim

18/1/2013 01:32:21 pm

If you always do what you have always done........I agree with Tim that practice comes next......and this in itself will be rich learning about us an individuals and about human behaviour. What would we normally do in given situations and what results do we tend to see? Are our reactions driven from purpose or from desire or fear? I think about a walk to work in the city with pedestrians coming at me in all directions, cyclists on paths, drivers impatient and there are days when I am on autopilot and arrive safely at work without having noticed what is going on around me. On these days I suspect I am in the zone of the day, what I am doing, who I am meeting etc. Then there are other days where I have been more aware of what is happening outside of me and open to judging the actions of others such as a cyclist who nearly knocks me over. In this case I might want to make a point to the individual who has in my view acted irresponsibly but ended up having an angry conversation inside my head or I have actually chosen to challenge the individual with varying consequences. It's funny how the world moves on and that moment is gone so quickly and in the context of a bussling city becomes irrelevant unless I actually stop and learn from it about my reaction, my values and my accountability to make a difference.

23/1/2013 10:16:15 am

Hi Karen

Your comments are very wise.

When I set inflexible rules for myself and others then I know that I will experience a world of relentless strife and conflict.

Perhaps as mentors we should recognize that how we view the world shapes our relationships and that "belief" about space is just another construct to allow us in coping with our human foibles.

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future . If you are you are at peace you are living in the present” ~ Lao Tzu.

What we resist persists.

Warm regards
Tim

25/1/2013 09:03:12 pm

Great quotation from Lao Tzu, Tim! It reminded me of mindfulness in Buddhist philosophy and similar ideas in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). With best wishes. Nick

25/1/2013 08:55:02 pm

Hi Karen and thanks for sharing such vivid examples from city life. I was very interested in your comment about being 'in the zone' in the midst of other activities around you. It's as if we can sometimes find ourselves occupying and focusing within an interior psychological space that enables us to filter out external stimuli that would otherwise cause interference. I guess it's a form of meditation, even if we don't always do it consciously or deliberately.

At other times, we can be far more aware of what is going on around us, externally-focused so to speak. I really liked your example of the cyclist. It's as if external factors (people or other things) can impinge on what we perceive as 'our space' in such a way that evokes a response within us. It sounds like you pause in those moments in order choose how to respond and to learn.

With best wishes. Nick

Jo Reese

23/1/2013 04:52:14 am

Oh wow. I spent a couple of weeks staying with family over Xmas and during that time felt I had no privacy or personal space. It was a combination of things. Sleeping in a room that other people used during the day. Going for walks but being unable to go anywhere which wasn't overlooked by people, cars or houses. It was also about being hugged and kissed by everyone I met, whether I knew them or not. By the time I came home, I was ready to scream and did not want anyone to touch me and desperately needed to lock myself in a private room. If ever there was a time to discover what the 'I' in my Myers-Briggs INFJ means, this was it.

So this year.....I am being firm about handshakes only. When and why did it become normal to hug and kiss people at work? Family is bad enough frankly. So handshakes only, from me from now on and I've already had that conversation with a couple of work people. And believe it or not, I'm actually a kinaesthetic person. However, it is about choice and system overload.

Yes, Karen, you're right. It's too easy to have an angry conversation in the head only. So I have tried to work out how to say things about my personal space, in a way that isn't offensive and rolls smoothly off the tongue when needed. It won't work for everyone, but it will work for many. And after this Xmas, I'm simply not going to feel guilty about having that conversation again.

Oh and I am never, ever going to work in an open plan office as long as I live ever again.

26/1/2013 01:53:14 am

Hi Jo and thanks for such a vivid description of your Christmas experiences. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time as I read what you had been through and the impacts it had had on you! I could certainly empathise with much of how you felt.

Various points struck me. One is the need that people with an MBTI 'I' preference have for space to reflect, process and recover personal energy. Persistent lack of opportunity for personal space can wear down an 'I's ability to cope, and feel almost like torture.

The next was the comment you made about hugging and kissing in the workplace, often around Christmas with parties etc. It's as if (in social psychological terms) the normal 'scripts' that govern office behaviour are abandoned which can feel awkward and confusing.

I agree with your comments about choice and system overload and would love to hear what things you have worked out to say in similar situations in future! Your final comment about open plan offices made me smile. :) With best wishes. Nick

Gwyn Thomas link

23/1/2013 08:45:57 am

This is a really interesting discussion about space. From my coaching experience one of the many benefits that the coachees often cite is that of the coaching sessions giving them to time and space to think and consider things that matter to them. I am always struck by the lack of space people have for themselves in todays world with days jam packed full of meetings and appointments and in my leadership work with the most junior to the most senior all comment as to the lack of space and time in their lives to 'think'. I would be delighted if anybody would be comment or point me to some good reading texts around the need for people to create space and time in their lives for thinking and indeed doing things that make them happy. I am keen to develop my thinking in this regard for the benefit of helping others more!

Thanks in anticipation Gwyn

25/1/2013 09:22:09 pm

Hi Gwyn and thanks for the note. Yes, I too believe that coaching can provide a valuable space for people to step back from day to day thinking, activity and experiences to allow the proverbial dust to settle and fresh insight and awareness to emerge.

It's one of the reasons why paying attention to physical space (e.g. meeting off site) and boundaries (e.g. setting aside time and avoiding distracting interferences) can sometimes prove as valuable as anything the coach does during the session.

You may be interested to glance at a couple of books by Nancy Kline that seem to be popular in some circles at the moment: Time to Think (1998) and More Time to Think (2009). Here are the links to these books on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Time-Think-Listening-Ignite-Human/dp/0706377451/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1359177260&sr=1-1; http://www.amazon.co.uk/More-Time-Think-Being-World/dp/1906377103/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1359177260&sr=1-2.

With best wishes. Nick

Karen Boanas

25/1/2013 01:35:48 am

Hi everyone

Tim - thanks for sharing the quote. At this moment I am happily in the present and its a great quote to use to bring myself forward or back if I get in my time machine :-).

Jo - well done on making it through....there is a lot of expectation about the holiday period and yes if you have introvert preferences you will need an excuse to exit, breathe and return.

Thinking about Tim's points and where Nick started the conversation I am curious about the rules we set around space in context, for example with strangers, with family, with work colleagues. Do I give some people more of an unquestionable right than others to be in my space? Even with strangers do I consider sex, age and other judgements as I decide whether they have overstepped the space boundary and I have to tell them? If I was on a long plane journey and the person next to me fell asleep leaning against me how would I react? If it was my husband I would accept it until he became too heavy and then its easy to tell him to get out of my space. he loves me there is no judgement on me or him just a fact about him being to heavy. If it was my child I would accept it without issue whatever it meant. If it was a stranger I am not sure. My dilemma is complicated by the nature of the actual space we are in, the aircraft cabin and how close I need to be to that individual possibly for many hours. Sometimes it can be more comfortable mentally to stay uncomfortable physically if by telling someone they are in your space they take it personally and feel offended. Actually I know I would make light of them falling asleep on me but ask them to move. I need my sleep. In this instance sleeping pills help of course.

26/1/2013 02:05:21 am

Hi Karen and thanks for the further comments. I found your illustration of a plane journey very helpful. It demonstrated the significance of relationship and social context on how we behave, what we consider acceptable and where we may draw boundaries.

Nicky Hayes has an excellent chapter on this issue, 'The contexts of social interaction' in her book, Principles of Social Psychology (1993). The challenge often arises when a person behaves 'out of script' according to our or a wider social definition of the situation.

Your final comment about sleeping pills made me smile. :) With best wishes. Nick

27/1/2013 09:01:11 am

Hi Karen

That this discussion should involve ideas about compassion simply means that we are exploring rather than asserting and from my perspective always a healthy space.

Bill Braun an amazingly experienced guy has been talking for some time about what communicating compassion in the workplace feels like and what we can explore that is new and so have started a blog that you and others may like to look at and contributing to.

http://compassioninbusiness.wordpress.com/

Enjoy

Kind regards
Tim

Ian King

25/1/2013 01:37:53 am

I had an interesting public transport space experience this summer in San Fransisco. My family and I were sitting on the train in 4 seats, 2 facing 2, and there was plenty of space for everyone in the carriage to sit. After a while the guy across the aisle leaned over to me and asked, politely but firmly, "Excuse me, is that your child?", referring to my elder son (8) who was sitting across from me and at least 2 metres away from him. Erm, yes, I said, wondered what was coming. "Well, would you ask him to stop looking at me please, I don't like it", he said. I passed on the request to my son who was perplexed but obeyed, despite his burning desire to check out this strange man who had just become even more interesting!

I know my story isn't exactly about space and touch but it certainly is about piercing bubbles. I wonder if the guy would have been happier in a packed carriage, but without anyone looking at him?

25/1/2013 01:38:39 am

Ian that's a really interesting story and how curious it would be to fully understand the perspectives of all involved to see how they felt before the man spoke and after he spoke in relation to space and other themes.Did the man feel better after he spoke and you had talked to your son? Did you feel worse afterwards? How did your son feel? This also raises a question for me about mental health and response from the perspective of not really knowing what is going on at the time of the incident linking to the quote Tim Soden used in his last contribution.

25/1/2013 08:58:45 pm

You're right Karen, it would have been interesting. There must be some kind of equation to express the relationship between space, gaze and words in public transport, all depending on where you're standing. I'm surprised Einstein didn't get round to it.

In any case, once our friend had said his piece we didn't have any more interaction with him. In fact we did our best to occupy as little space as possible, as quietly as possible. He made me feel very English (avert eyes, drop voice, pretend nothing happened). In fact he succeeded in occupying our space, our mental space. In fact he's still in it, he's become one of the funny things we remember about our trip there. I wonder if my man in SF is still telling the story. Bet he's not.

26/1/2013 02:19:18 am

Hi Ian and thanks for sharing such an intriguing story of that experience on a train in San Francisco. It sounds like the stranger experienced your son's gaze as something that impinged on his personal space. In responding in the way he did, it sounds like it impinged on your and your son's space, thereby diminishing it.

I found your comments, 'we did our best to occupy as little space as possible' and 'he succeeded in occupying our space, our mental space...he's still in it' very profound. It's something about the dynamics of social interaction, how the way we navigate physical and psychological space impacts on us personally and socially.

I really liked the way how you with your family have processed that experience as 'one of the funny things' that happened out there. It adds a lightness to what could have felt like quite an oppressive experience. Yes, it would be fascinating to hear from the stranger how he experienced and remembers the same event..! :)

With best wishes. Nick

26/1/2013 05:41:43 am

Hi Marian and thanks for sharing such a personal and profound example of what using 'clean space' could look and feel like and achieve. I could picture your daughter vividly in the room as I read your account and imagined her moving into different spaces, what that could feel like and what could emerge as a result.

It definitely has resonances with some methods I've used with Gestalt coaching and team development, particularly the notion of using physical movement between spaces to enable different feelings, insights and energy to emerge. The results have sometimes been surprising and transformational.

Thank you too to your daughter for giving permission to share this personal example and story. I do hope the course of action she has chosen proves beneficial, renewing and life-giving for her, especially in the midst of coping with such a difficult and debilitating condition. With best wishes. Nick

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