Backstory

9/12/2016

Ever had one of those situations where you have said or done something entirely innocently and the person or group’s response seems totally disconnected to what you said or did – or completely out of proportion to it? It can feel like you have stepped on a hidden landmine. It can take you by surprise and can leave you reeling from the impact. It can feel hurtful, confusing and disorientating. What is going on here? What can you do to make sense of it and to deal with it?

There are some really useful insights we can draw on from fields including psychodynamics, Gestalt, social psychology, social constructionism and systems thinking. They are all interested in human relationships, what happens when we interact with each other and why. I’m going to share a couple of insights here, briefly, because I think they can be very helpful for leaders, OD, coaches etc. In fact, anyone who encounters people, works with people, is keen to build good relationships.

Firstly, we experience everything and everyone we encounter through a psychological-cultural filter. The filter is, essentially everything and everyone we have experienced in the past, how we have felt about it and what sense we and others have made of it. This means that a person who, say, appears to overreact to you is encountering you through their own filter. The filter subconsciously influences their assumptions, perceptions etc. It may be about you…but it isn’t only about you.

Secondly, no encounter takes place in a vacuum. Even as you read this, you aren’t doing so in a bubble. The stuff that is going on around us, which includes things in our lives and work here and now as well as things we carry from the past and our anticipated futures, influences what we notice, what we value, what we prioritise, what we enjoy, how we cope etc. in any given moment. So, the ‘overreacting’ person? Acknowledge they have a backstory. Breathe, be open; ask, listen.

28 Comments

John Dooner

10/12/2016 11:46:38 am

Thanks Nick- listening through your own noise is sometimes hard, always worth it.

Nick Wright

10/12/2016 11:47:49 am

Thanks John. Yes, often the noise is interference from our own backstory.

Ruby Manalac

11/12/2016 10:51:01 am

The failure to look at such insights gives us a myopic vision of the people around us. That is why I love emotional intelligence. It gives you that "space" to always leave room to ask oneself...where is he/she coming from?

11/12/2016 10:53:10 am

Thanks Ruby. For me, it's often about remembering to view the person as a whole person with past, present, future, culture, context etc...not simply as a job, role, task, issue etc.I think that links with EI too.

12/12/2016 10:15:52 am

Very well said.

12/12/2016 10:16:18 am

Thanks Ruby!

Alison Whybrow

12/12/2016 01:56:21 pm

Thanks Nick - I like simple and profound and you've got both here! useful to remember that 95% (probably a random figure) of things that happen, just happen, and are not personal. It's a really interesting skill set to develop - to keep breathing and detached from our own knee jerk responses whilst compassion and curiosity keep us connected and present. Working on it!

12/12/2016 01:58:36 pm

Thanks Alison. You may find this related short piece interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/just-enough I'm working on it too!

E.G.Sebastian (CPC)

12/12/2016 04:13:56 pm

Yep, this "field" is one of my forte - to make an a$s out of myself in front of others :) -- My reaction: "Oh, hey... WOW!!! :( - I didn't realize that was a "thing" [insulting, etc.] - I'm just really in the dark when it comes to these things. I'm sorry! Maybe you can educate me so I don't make an a#s out of myself again..."

Sometimes I can do a graceful "save"; sometimes my head and ears burn off of embarrassment...

Good news: I have not experienced one of these in years - or if I did, I saved myself really gracefully fast, hence the lack of recent memory. BUT in my younger years, I'd get in this type of trouble all the time...

12/12/2016 04:15:26 pm

Hi E.G. I love your honesty! I'm sure that people found your open approach very disarming. :)

Robert Hodge

12/12/2016 09:15:38 pm

I am replaying several of those just now. I think I can feel my ears turning red all over again. I think I handled each one differently as I think about. Maybe it is time to ponder a bit to prepare for the next time. I remember:
1. Feeling my face turn red, then suggesting it was getting quite warm, fanning my face. It seemed to relieve the tension for everybody.
2. Quoting some wise person's wisdom that the first thing you ought to do when you find that you have dug yourself into a hole is to STOP digging. That has allowed for an abrupt change of discussion to look at the issue a different way, informally allowing that I was the one who dug the hole without getting into "he said, she said", blame throwing discussions.
3. A little coaching on motives. I use my ARM to demonstrate, suggesting that one can judge Results or Actions, but not Motives.

12/12/2016 09:19:47 pm

Thanks for such an open and honest response too, Robert. What strikes me is your willingness to acknowledge the experience, the dynamic, and to take responsibility for your contribution to it. That is so different to projecting outward defensively onto the other person.

Cath Norris

13/12/2016 10:08:10 am

I love the Process Work take on this - that you've unconsciously walked into a 'hotspot', a theme or issue with a lot of feeling around it, something which we can often sense 'in the air' but which is not being named. It's the stuff we often avoid because it's tricky or painful, personally or culturally sore and sensitive. In a way, we can be 'dreamed up' by those we're working with to bring this out but when we do so unconsciously then the heat within the subject can become focused on us.

In my own experience, there can be something in us which needs that particular awakening. We're not in touch with what we personally carry or represent around the issue, we dream up the person or group with that issue so that we can wake up to it.

When working with groups around intense intercultural conflicts, dreaming in beforehand, to where I'm implicated in the field - noticing my reoccurring concerns and fears and working them through - has helped me to consciously address these hotspots beforehand. When I've failed to do that then things have inevitably got heated and I've been left having to work things through in the moment. I think we have the ability to sense in before we even meet the group.

13/12/2016 10:10:59 am

Hi Cath. Really interesting insights. Yes, if I prepare myself before working with a group, it means I am less likely to be triggered in or by the field and more likely to be open and curious in/to it...which also influences what happens and what I/we experience in the field.

Pamina Mullins

13/12/2016 02:19:55 pm

Yes when you stop and think about it Nick Wright it's amazing that most of the time we manage to communicate successfully! There are so many potential landmines given the multitude of individual filters we process communication through. Authenticity I think does decrease the likelihood of a conversational landmine, but it isn't foolproof. I do a lot of intercultural work and in this context this can be particularly tricky, but as Cath says, it can also make you far more aware when you're communicating. I guess that's why politically correct terminology, although well motivated, can become somewhat pedantic and unwieldy....

13/12/2016 02:22:20 pm

Hi Pamina. Yes, we can't avoid navigating filters (which, in some ways, politically correct language attempted to do) - and cross-cultural work certainly raises the need for increased awareness into sharp relief!

Barry Jackson

13/12/2016 03:48:32 pm

The last two words are key: Ask and Listen. The only way you can find out why someone responded in a way you can't make sense of is to ask. But there's no point in asking unless you're willing to listen to the answer.

13/12/2016 03:49:49 pm

Hi Barry. I often find that I need to breathe first...and choose to be open...before I can ask and really listen, especially if the person's reaction has triggered strong emotions in me too.

Dr. Sandra Camacho

15/12/2016 08:49:08 am

Hopefully the other party senses our good intentions and is forgiving of our faux pas. After all we can only do our best to communicate clearly and harmoniously with other people.

15/12/2016 08:50:28 am

Hi Sandra. I guess it partly depends on the degree of awareness and trust in the relationship. Making our intentions clear and explicit can sometimes help to smooth the proverbial waters...but not always!

Richard M. Kiernicki

15/12/2016 08:52:30 am

I'll speak my mind...see, i'm doing it already...traipsing through the minefield...whats a land mine?...entrenched habit and beliefs that get shattered...either by a new belief or sticking with the pain of an old one that is too hard to let go of...all of the great accomplishments in life have been as a result of stepping on the proverbial landmine...screw em if they can't take a joke...onward and upward...red pill anyone?...and for the record, just in case, as there is usually at least one...i'm coming from a place called inclusion...and respect...

15/12/2016 08:55:16 am

Hi Richard. I'm hearing something in your comments about being willing to rock the boat. It is often disruptive interventions that create radical innovations and new ways forward. Perhaps it's how to be open to the potential in conflict whilst also being aware of the potential for damage.

Sharman Jeffries

15/12/2016 04:38:34 pm

Well said Nick.

15/12/2016 04:39:03 pm

Thanks Sharman!

Carl Flynn, MSc, BSc (Hons), Cert. Ed., MBPsS

17/12/2016 05:09:02 pm

Nick, this is why I have gravitated from coaching to psychotherapy, as the latter delves deeper into the underlying relational processes and phenomena at play, such as projective identification and transference/countertransference - some of which you have described above. Regards, Carl

17/12/2016 05:11:27 pm

Thanks Carl. I studied and trained as a psychological coach for similar reasons. Paying attention and attending to psychological and social-psychological dimensions can add a richness and depth to coaching and reflective practice.

Ian Henderson

17/12/2016 05:17:53 pm

Insightful as ever Nick!

17/12/2016 05:18:30 pm

Thanks Ian - borne out of reflection on many 'explosive' experiences!

Backstory

Leave a Reply.

Nick Wright

Archives

Categories

Backstory

Leave a Reply.

​Nick Wright

​Archives

Categories

Nick Wright

Archives