Being seized by the day
I find it intriguing to look back on defining moments in life. One such moment for me arose when I was 8 years old. My nan lay dying in hospital and it was a strangely mystical experience because, as a spiritualist medium, she appeared to know the exact date and time that she was going to die.
The thing that captured my imagination at the time, however, was her moving admission that she had always dreamed of going horse riding but never actually got round to it. And now she would never fulfil that dream. It freaked me out, the possibility of reaching the end of my life with that feeling.
So I embarked on an approach to life characterised by doing whatever I felt an interest or passion for. I was determined not to miss a moment, an experience, that could leave me feeling regret - that sense of opportunity lost. If nothing specific came to mind, I would try something new anyway...just in case.
As I look back, I can see how that experience of my nan's experience has stimulated, spurred and driven me to push my own boundaries so many times. On reflection, it feels like a mixed blessing, making it difficult to ever feel settled, content, satisfied. There's always the possibility of that something else.
And so it feels like a paradox. I thank God for the rich experiences he has granted me, for that desire to experiment and explore, yet I also need to learn to be less driven by my own need for adventure, to look outward to others' needs more, to know peace and calm and to appreciate more that which is.
28/2/2011 08:05:29 pm
I love this Nick - and so true. When I reached 40 about 2 years ago, I realised that there were so many dreams I hadn't achieved, but also so much that I had done. I'm trying to fulfil some of those missed opportunities now. It certainly is a mixed blessing as it means that I am discovering parts about me that I never knew existed. It's challenging those closest to me. I'm also regretting lots of things about my past too. But realise that there's no point in looking back and crying over it, but making the best of the path that is set ahead of me and not making the same mistakes of the past.
2/3/2011 01:55:25 pm
Nick, this blog left me with a lump in my throat. Many, many times I have looked back at my life and although I have accomplished a great deal and am proud of my achievements, I always think about the career path I truly wanted to take and was told this was not a 'proper' job. I see documentaries now and films showing my true passion and it makes me cry as I know I am not doing what I feel I was destined,born to do. I have decided instead to enjoy what I have but to make my life exciting and risky, fun and dangerous, true and honest and to just 'do' instead of checking in with that little voice inside that keeps telling me "that's not a proper job". This is my time to be me! No retreat - no surrender......
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