BMW moments

28/9/2017

"Ignore me. I’m just having a bitch-moan-whine moment.” That made me laugh. I had never heard that expression before and thought, what a great way to signpost self-awareness and intention. So many conversations end up strained and, as a consequence, relationships lay in tatters because the underlying values, motivation and thought processes are assumed but left unexpressed. Work cross-culturally – whether that be in different counties or even with people from different personal and professional backgrounds or sectors – and you will almost certainly know what I mean.

It’s where we sometimes talk about crossed wires or, in Transactional Analysis (TA) terms, crossed transactions. I may say something tongue-in-cheek and you may take it as a serious comment. You may say something neutrally as an observation and I hear it as implied criticism. In other words, we infer things, particularly meaning and intention, based on where we are at personally or culturally in the moment, rather than necessarily on what the other person meant or intended us to hear or feel. This is an area where learning to signpost explicitly can make a very positive difference.

To signpost well involves being aware-in-the-moment, authentic in what we disclose, skilful in how we communicate and curious about the other. Aware: tune into what we believe, think and feel – here-and-now. Authentic: be honest and truthful – speak with congruence and integrity. Skilful: use language, signs and symbols that bridge or transcend personal, professional and cultural boundaries – sensitive to the person, context and relationship. Curious: check with the other what they saw, heard and felt – whether they know and understand what lay behind your actions and words.

78 Comments

Yathiraj Agarwal

28/9/2017 09:49:38 pm

Very well communicated.

Nick Wright

28/9/2017 09:50:34 pm

Thanks for your kind feedback, Yathiraj.

Jocelyn Phelps

29/9/2017 11:36:27 am

It's all about meta-communication - I communicate on what I am communicating! (Now I add the smiley to show that the comment is serious but not too much ;-)

29/9/2017 11:39:43 am

Hi Jocelyn. Yes - you are right. :) I often think of it as standing back, literally or metaphorically, from the conversation to ask, 'What is going on here?'

Carol Bull

3/10/2017 08:57:32 am

Hi Nick. I love this. Would you mind if I share this with my colleagues in our fortnightly in house company newsletter "Animal Chatter" Obviously I will share it as your article. Carol

3/10/2017 09:00:05 am

Thanks Carol. Yes, very happy for you to share. Let me know if you receive any feedback. Always interested to hear other people's ideas and experiences. 'Animal Chatter' - what a great title for a newsletter! :)

Carol Bleyle

3/10/2017 04:29:34 pm

Super points, Nick. Understanding how to hold useful conversations is a crucial ability which we almost never help people develop. It also takes emotional intelligence to master, as you describe. Have you seen more organizations start offering this kind of training?

3/10/2017 04:34:32 pm

Thanks for such affirming feedback, Carol. I agree with your point about EI and would add social and cultural awareness. I've trained people in the UK with Novum (https://www.novum-uk.com/), 3D Coaching (https://www.3dcoaching.com/) and in my freelance capacity, focusing on enabling people and organisations to develop and sustain high quality conversations.

Ruby Manalac

3/10/2017 04:35:23 pm

Used the extracted learning here for my EI talk.Thanks Nick.

3/10/2017 04:36:00 pm

Thanks Ruby. I would love to hear more about your EI talk!

Elizabeth Wray MBPsS M.ed

4/10/2017 11:17:52 am

Looks like an office pity parties to me been to lots of them just drain you for the day so agent for your brain s skin hanging out with toxic people you seriously bad for your health.

4/10/2017 11:23:55 am

Hi Elizabeth. Yes, I have been to a few of those too! I think there's a very big difference, however, between a person speaking or behaving in a way that feels toxic, perhaps with or without realising it, and a different person saying, 'Forgive me. I know I'm being negative. I'm just feeling a bit low at the moment.' They open up very different kinds of conversations, both in spirit and outcome.

Scott Watson

4/10/2017 11:24:30 am

Perhaps an alternative would be to either manage the impulse to mention the bitch, moan, whine moment, or leave the vicinity for a reflection. It's all context related of curse, and the kind of relationship which exists can influence whether permission to have a bitch, moan or whine is in place...or not. Yes, it can all too easily turn in to a pity party too. My colleagues and I set a boundary many years ago that if any of us wishes to ‘kick off’ about a situation whilst in each other’s company, in person or by phone, we could do it for up to ten minutes, and then the rant stops. It’s up to the ranter to own their next steps whatever they may be.

4/10/2017 11:32:07 am

Hi Scott. I think those are good points. If a person has sufficient emotional intelligence and social awareness, it can enable them to choose how to respond in a given situation...or at least make it a bit easier to choose. I love your 10-minute rule. What a great idea! It allows a person cathartic space and helps him or her to avoid becoming stuck in that space. Again, it depends on the person, context and relationship(s).

Sabine Nemeth

5/10/2017 10:15:27 am

This is an interesting post - but it isn't quite as straightforward - esp. in a multicultural and diverse environment.
Take humour as an example - or irony. Where it works, it's a perfect "bridge builder". Where it doesn't, it can make situations go horribly wrong.
This goes for personal as well as professional contexts.

5/10/2017 10:17:25 am

Hi Sabine. Yes, humour can be particularly tricky in cross-cultural relationships and environments. This is the kind of thing I had in mind with, 'sensitive to the person, context and relationship.'

Marita Jane Laxa

5/10/2017 05:34:37 pm

This is so "dead on", Nick. Especially about being sensitive to the person, context, and relationship; which I try to work on myself everyday. The world is changing rapidly and conversations get convoluted if the message doesn't get across as intended. And I agree with Carole too, about emotional intelligence playing a role, yet not easy to master.

5/10/2017 05:35:13 pm

Thanks Marita - and well said.

Robin Yourtston

7/10/2017 03:03:53 pm

Nick, it reminds of We judge everyone by their behaviour i.e. What they say and do and how they do and say it. We judge ourselves by our intent!
We do not normally seek the other's intent.

7/10/2017 03:23:20 pm

Hi Robin. Yes, I think that's a profound observation. It also reminds me of an insight from social psychology that shows how we discover what we are like by exposing ourselves to new situations and seeing how we react or respond. I'm not sure if we can ever fully understand our motives etc. but we can share what we are aware of when it seems appropriate and useful.

Lili Mu

7/10/2017 03:24:13 pm

Great article.

7/10/2017 03:24:38 pm

Thanks Lili..!

Marcia Sapoznik, - L.M.F.T, Ph.D.(ABD), Coach

7/10/2017 03:25:59 pm

Thanks for this post. The last paragraph explains what the speaker can do to make sure the listener hears and understand the speaker's message. Yet, there are times that even though the speaker thinks his/her message is clear, the listener may misunderstand the message. Using Active-Listening skills and re-phrasing the message back to the speaker, is part of the curiosity stage of effective communication skills.

7/10/2017 03:28:01 pm

Thanks Marcia. Yes, that was my thinking behind the 'check with the other...' idea.

Kim Lung Chong

7/10/2017 03:30:16 pm

Communicate well and converse better. Be tactful and be aware of body language. "To signpost well involves being AWARE -in-the-moment, authentic in what we disclose, skilful in how we communicate and CURIOUS about the other person"----Very Good Advice!

7/10/2017 03:31:16 pm

Thanks Kim..!

Yashika Kaushal

7/10/2017 08:34:55 pm

What an aha moment . Just last evening got into a conversation that was exactly as penned in the article here .

On reflection realised that what exactly were the pointers that lead to the conversation getting from bad to worse .

Preconceived notions and a barrage of other feelings that surmounted into the Appalling sight .

Moment of truth - what can one do when interacting with such folks ? Maybe just minding your own behaviour around folks who have deep rooted preconceived notions is the key .

7/10/2017 08:38:55 pm

Hi Yashika. Thank you for sharing from personal experience. I think conversations and relationships are much more difficult to handle well if I/we/they don't acknowledge what is going on beneath the surface. This can be particularly difficult in-the-moment, especially if we feel emotionally triggered by the situation or the other person. It takes practice!

Seinu Seidu Mahama

9/10/2017 08:40:55 am

It is such a great piece.

9/10/2017 08:41:17 am

Thank you, Seinu.

Jenny Lee

9/10/2017 08:42:26 am

Fabulous and a pleasure to read thanks Nick :)

9/10/2017 08:42:59 am

Thanks for such encouraging feedback, Jenny. :)

Twanette Fourie

9/10/2017 08:43:47 am

Totally agree with all. Thanks for a great post Nick. Especially now when money is pressing and talking "wastes time". I want to pick up on the EI point. I love William Schutz's interpersonal needs theory and my personal best quote by him "I like you, if I like who I am in your presence". I believe that is what Dale Carnegie got right in the 60s and why it still holds water today...conversation is about the "other" and not about the "me". As long as that comes through in the conversation it does not matter what language we speak, theory we apply or philosophy we follow it will translate the smile.

9/10/2017 08:57:33 am

Hi Twanette. Thank you. I do like that quotation from Schutz. I'm not sure that I would say conversation is about the 'other'. Perhaps I would say it is about the other but not only about the other. How does that sound? I agree that our underlying intention will come through in how the other experiences us...although how they interpret and experience it is likely to be influenced by a wide range of factors including personal state in-the-moment, relationship, culture etc. Does that make sense?

Eva Schausberger, MBEd

9/10/2017 08:58:48 am

Nick, great post. I often explain to new colleagues that I am an extroverted introvert and that I literally hate meetings with no action items. Which will shine light on the fact when all of a sudden in stead of connecting with others I don't want to be at a meeting or start talking to myself rather than the person next to me. It does take courage and can sound unprofessional. Definitely a skill to learn. LoL

9/10/2017 10:00:49 am

Thanks Eva. What an interesting example. It sounds like you disclose the underlying values and feelings behind how you may behave in meetings. I am curious to hear how others respond..?

Caroline Benedet

9/10/2017 08:59:20 am

Now easy it is to assume, presume, make a quick judgement of another based on uniformed or misinterpretations....thankyou Nick.

9/10/2017 10:01:29 am

Very true. Thanks Caroline.

Sue Duraikan

9/10/2017 09:55:52 am

A timely post for me, Nick. On a training course last week, I introduced myself to one participant who arrived early. She said 'I'm....' and then there was a long pause before she said 'Katie'. I lightheartedly replied 'Well remembered!' and thought nothing more of it. At the end of the day she put on her feedback form that she had a stammer (though it was not evident during the course) and that my comment had deeply offended her. I was of course mortified and won't be so glib in the future.

9/10/2017 09:57:20 am

Hi Sue. Thank you for sharing so honestly!

Lynn Floeter

11/10/2017 10:22:12 am

This post takes me back to some of the things I learned at Alverno while studying for my Communication degree. It addresses crucial conversations and inference and being able to listen well, which is an excellent skill. Good post!

11/10/2017 10:25:24 am

Thanks Lynn. Those sound like interesting studies! I agree there is something very important about listening well. I think there is also something very important about disclosing well. Does that make sense? Both of these skills enable us to address issues around inference and interference in conversations and relationships.

John Haran

11/10/2017 10:26:03 am

This is why it's important to seek to understand before being understood.

11/10/2017 10:27:21 am

Hi John. I agree...and it includes understanding ourselves - as far as we are able - too.

Mark Reardon

12/10/2017 12:03:51 pm

Thanks for the reminders, Nick!

12/10/2017 12:04:21 pm

You're welcome, Mark. :)

Dot Struthers

16/10/2017 11:13:05 am

I like this but it requires a high level of self awareness and attention. What's your thoughts on refining this skill.

16/10/2017 11:18:02 am

Hi Dot. I agree and that's a good question. In my experience, different people have different levels of awareness of what is going on for them in the moment. To develop awareness, one idea is to pause periodically throughout the day to ask, 'What am I thinking?', 'What am I believing about this situation?', 'What am I feeling?', 'What may lay behind how I am feeling?' etc. This is where supervision can help too - to pause and step back from time to time to make sense of experiences and to practise different ways of being and acting in them.

Pierre Jean-Baptiste

16/10/2017 11:22:09 am

" Curious: check with the other what they saw, heard and felt – whether they know and understand what lay behind your actions and words." - Best Part!!! true story!

16/10/2017 11:22:42 am

Thanks Pierre!

Helen Ponting

16/10/2017 11:26:59 am

Hi Nick, like your thinking. I am writing a book at the moment for younger people and include the point that seeing and listening are sometimes far more important so that your reply is relevant to the conversationn. A great quote from Stephen Covey:
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

― Stephen R. Covey

16/10/2017 11:29:45 am

Thanks Helen. Your book venture sounds interesting. Yes - that's a great Covey quotation. I think there is a corresponding principle which is something about speaking with awareness of what may lay behind the words..?

Amanda Maystone-Towell

16/10/2017 01:00:46 pm

I’ve seen the similar in a work place and learning on communication where if you’ve started the day with negative energy due to a situation or emotional family impact (injury, sick family, emotional distress, sleepless night due to worry etc) preface the situation and allow yourself to have a time feeling this way however don’t stay on that train for long. Ticket expires but people can be mindful of your situation. High energy generated high energy and low creates low. Misery loves company so we need to be mindful it doesn’t remain the norm. Good article!!

16/10/2017 01:02:43 pm

Thanks Amanda! I think that's one reason why 'check-ins' can be so valuable in groups and teams. 'How am I feeling?' is a very different question to 'What am I doing?' - and can raise very different levels of awareness, empathy and energy.

6/11/2017 03:59:12 pm

6/11/2017 04:00:27 pm

Moushumi Gupta

6/11/2017 04:01:20 pm

Wonderful technique....we always transact with people based on our inner world. Thanks for sharing!

6/11/2017 04:02:02 pm

Thank you, Moushumi - you're welcome! :)

José I. Rodríguez

8/11/2017 09:37:12 am

Keeping it real and staying connected with the other person. Thank you!

8/11/2017 09:38:58 am

Thanks José. Yes, 'staying connected with the other person' resonates with the Gestalt notion of 'quality of contact'. A great question to consider as a leader, trainer or coach is, 'What is the quality of contact between us?', including within the group itself.

Vineetha Aravind

8/11/2017 09:39:49 am

Great article Nick! Well written and quite useful.

8/11/2017 09:40:27 am

Thanks Vineetha. I appreciate your encouraging feedback!

Malory Snow

8/11/2017 09:41:23 am

Great piece!

8/11/2017 09:41:49 am

Thanks Malory! :)

Kathryn Pollington

8/11/2017 09:42:42 am

Great article, thanks for sharing.

8/11/2017 09:43:25 am

You're welcome, Kathryn - and thanks for your kind feedback.

Wendy Smith

8/11/2017 10:09:21 am

Great article however we can over complicate things. Surely the secret to a meaningful conversation is to listen to understand not to hear and broadcast. So often I hear people talking just to pick up a key word they can use to swing it all back to little old them.Let's keep it real and let's keep it simple.

8/11/2017 10:12:10 am

Thanks Wendy. Good challenge. 'Let's keep it real and let's keep it simple'. Yes - which is where so much awareness and skill in involved in meaningful and effective conversations and relationships. Active listening is a critical attitude and skill. Learning to communicate well is critical too. It's like the flip-side of a relational coin. Would you agree?

Alison Boyle - NT

9/11/2017 07:42:59 am

9/11/2017 07:39:18 pm

Thanks Alison.

T. Ravi Kumar

5/12/2017 03:35:42 pm

Empathetic listening leads to good conversation.

5/12/2017 03:36:39 pm

Hi T. Ravi. Yes, as does communicating well what we hope and intend the other to hear and understand.

Nitin Kagalkar

8/12/2017 07:03:57 pm

Nick, nice share.

Conversations offers multiple benefits.
To influence and be influenced is one such benefit.

You begin to influence the other person as they sense you being influenced by them.

Being influenced and to influence in turn, you need to listen deeply to understand the person. Yet so many of us fall short.

Listening is an area full of opportunities and has little competition.

8/12/2017 07:05:26 pm

Thanks Nitin. I like that idea of conversation as mutual influence.

Bernd Zimmermann

10/12/2017 08:14:47 am

Great read and reminder to me about the Non-Violent Communication from Dr. M. Rosenberg.

10/12/2017 08:17:29 am

Thanks Bernd. Yes, there are useful resonances with Marshall Rosenberg's excellent work in this area.

Dan Fawkes

10/12/2017 08:18:28 am

Excellent points Nick and despite being aware of these things I do too occasionally fall into the trap of crossed transactions.....a set of skills requiring constant attention I believe.

Thanks for posting.

10/12/2017 08:20:25 am

Thanks Dan - and for such an honest response. That is certainly true for me too! Practise makes better but I'm a long way from perfect.

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