Coaching with metaphor

7/7/2015

I’m in this room, it’s the first time we’ve met and this man is explaining to me how he’s struggling in a key relationship. It’s a relationship between two organisations and this man, Simon, is the leader of one of them. The conversation runs for a while and Simon’s description of the relationship and what he’s experiencing from the other – what he describes as distance and defensiveness – sounds tough.

As he speaks, I become aware that the room we're in feels cold. It’s a sunny day and the aircon is turned up high. I glance around the room at the stark furniture. The tables and chairs are in perfect formation. Functional, straight lines. There’s nothing that suggests or reveals a human touch. No pictures, no plants, no photographs. This is the room where he meets with Sandra, leader of the other organisation.

I comment on this, share this observation, then offer a reflection, an idea: ‘How far are you trying to find a cold, formal solution to an issue that is essentially about human relationship and trust?’ Simon looks stunned for a moment, then pauses, then goes quiet. I’m wondering how he will respond. Could this be a (proverbial) light bulb moment? Is there something about this room that holds the key?

Then Simon speaks. ‘You know, I hadn’t realised it. We’ve built our relationship on formal lines – terms of reference, strategies, proposals – and we’ve never really taken the time to get to know and understand each other as people.’ A penny has dropped. I can see it in his eyes. I respond: ‘Do you know what you need to do?’ Simon nods and jots down a note. The meeting is finished. It lasts 10 minutes.

49 Comments

Wandile link

8/7/2015 08:14:29 pm

Its true that to keep a good relationship between two organizations or people can be tough and at times complicated. But I believe that adopting a simple and pragmatic approach can always work wonders. Then when you are sure of what you are doing, make some surprises to spice up and keep the relationship going.

Nick Wright

9/7/2015 02:12:55 am

Hi Wandile and thanks for the note. I like the idea of 'some surprises to spice up and keep the relationship going'. :) So much depends on interpersonal relationships as well as business considerations, especially when it comes to building trust. With best wishes. Nick

James Henman PhD

9/7/2015 02:14:19 am

Nick,

Metaphor is the language of wisdom and the most effective way to convey complex concepts in a relational, experiential way. I begin early in my first session to lay a foundation of metaphor in the clinical relationship. I describe the difference between two common light sources, and their impact on the process of healthy change.

The Flashlight is a judgmental light that shines in only one direction at a time, seeing half-empty, looking at what's wrong or missing, and naturally creates defensiveness and resistance. It is a polarized light that only lets in what builds the case.

The Lantern shines 360 degrees, with a gentle light of mutual respect and valuing, seeing half-full, seeing possibilities. I use metaphor throughout the process and use the experience of the client to pick the content for the metaphors. It allows the client to relate and allows the coach to guide without getting in the way.

The isomorphic structure of the metaphor needs to match the dynamics in the client's life that you are wanting to help change. Skillful use of syntax in the metaphor process, and experience with the hypnotic patterns of Milton Erickson, can increase the impact of the metaphors.

9/7/2015 02:29:50 am

Hi James,

I love the idea of lantern vs flashlight as metaphor. It's a great way to open a conversation about the nature and dynamics of a relationship. It also gives space to explore it's potential meanings for the client to open up new dimensions. There's also something about light and shadow that can be revealing.

I was reminded by your note about how often Jesus in the New Testament uses metaphor, often by pointing to immediate physical objects of experiences or via parables. Like art, metaphors have a way or carrying meaning that is more imaginative and evocative than can be conveyed through description or explanation.

In the situation I wrote about here, I was interested how the qualities (cold) and characteristics (formal) of the room itself created a physical experience and metaphor that led to awareness of a solution for the client. It's as if the culture and climate of the organisation and relationship were somehow embodied in the room.

Drawing on apparently 'random' objects or experiences can also work as a useful lateral thinking tool, enabling us to break through current assumptions and patterns of thinking to explore fresh possibilities. De Bono has done some great work in this area. I haven't heard of Erickson's work but it sounds interesting.

With best wishes and thanks again for such stimulating reflections and ideas. Nick

Jen D'Arcy-Smith

9/7/2015 02:32:55 am

Ni Nick. Your blog on Coaching with metaphor 'found' me.

9/7/2015 02:33:20 am

Hi Jen. I'm pleased to hear it. :) Nick

Terrence H Seamon

9/7/2015 02:34:25 am

We live by metaphors. They are so ingrained we don't even notice them.

9/7/2015 02:37:22 am

Hi Terrence. Yes, we certainly use metaphors a lot in conversations. Making use of metaphors intentionally in coaching and other relationships can be evocative and illuminating and open up new insights and experiences. Do you have examples of where you have used metaphor deliberately as part of your practice? I'd be interested to hear more! All the best. Nick

9/7/2015 04:51:44 am

The field of organization development is rich in metaphor. Consider Kurt Lewin's Unfreezing-Refreezing model for the process by which we change. Or the Force Field concept for understanding current situations. Even the word "develop" has the sense of unfurling like a flower opening to the sun. And the word "organize" from organum meaning a tool or an instrument.

9/7/2015 04:57:27 am

Hi Terrence. Great examples! What strikes me about metaphors such as 'unfreezing-refreezing' and 'force field' is that they not only reflect ways of thinking about dynamics in organisations but also create ways of thinking about them. This influences e.g. what we notice, don't notice, and what meaning we make of what happens. This is where I find insights from social constructionism particularly interesting. Thanks again for the stimulating insights and examples. With best wishes. Nick

Debbie Connors

9/7/2015 03:44:45 am

Great story - thank you for sharing Nick - I took a lot from it.

9/7/2015 03:46:08 am

Thanks for your encouraging feedback, Debbie. Did anything in the story resonate with your own experience of using metaphor in coaching? I'd be very interested to hear more. With best wishes. Nick

9/7/2015 04:09:26 am

Hi Nick, I did my coaching with Peter Bluckert many years ago and I always remember him referring to the use of self in coaching. And for me, that is what resonated really strongly for me in your story. As a coach I find I have times when I don't trust my 'self' or even 'forget' thinking I must use a model or a tool, when I actually I need to continue to trust in my own resources first and be present. Your story served to hammer that point home very strongly and it really has struck a chord, so thank you again.

9/7/2015 04:10:02 am

Hi Debbie. Thanks for the insightful reference to 'use of self' in this context. I'm aware that I can become so focused on the client, his or her issue, the coaching process, that I lose sense of my own experience in the moment. It's something I've had to learn to pay attention to...and am still learning to pay attention to! A friend and colleague put it this way for me: 'Be careful you don't step so far into the client's shoes that you step out of your own shoes.' I really appreciate your affirmation of the value of this principle. With best wishes. Nick

9/7/2015 04:25:17 am

Hi Nick, I agree absolutely - and I love your friends quote - I shall keep that one close by! Warmest wishes. Debbie

Chris Pearse

9/7/2015 07:39:46 am

Nick - could it be that metaphor is so powerful because it integrates so many apparently disparate concepts (thoughts, ideas, feelings etc) and makes the unfamiliar, familiar? "What's that like?" is one of my favourite questions!

9/7/2015 07:43:18 am

Hi Chris. Yes, I think so. It can also make the familiar unfamiliar, challenging or provoking us, e.g. to see things differently, notice things we had otherwise missed, reprioritise relative importance of aspects of a person, thing or experience or see things in a new light. 'What's that like?' is a good question. :) With best wishes. Nick

Susan D Smith

10/7/2015 03:16:29 am

Hello, Having been worked daily with metaphors since 1991, I must join this conversation. Metaphor is the language of the unconscious mind. It comes from the Greek word "ampora" which is a container of valuable commodities (oils, alcohol etc). An ampora can only be set down in certain places and needs a special tripod stand. When coaching one- to -one the client knows exactly where, when & how it can be moved, then phenomenal change takes place. Sue

10/7/2015 03:18:26 am

Hi Sue and thanks for such fascinating insights! Do you have an example you could share that shows what this looks like in practice? With best wishes. Nick

Charles Quah

12/7/2015 12:16:27 am

Someone once shared with me: "A picture is worth a thousand words. A metaphor is worth a thousand words". How true. Metaphors yield insights into the way we see things more that we will ever know. It is like a candle reflected in a thousand mirrors.

charles

12/7/2015 12:18:37 am

Sorry, it should read "A metaphor is worth a thousand pictures".

14/7/2015 02:26:50 am

Hi Charles - what a great expression! Thank you for sharing. With best wishes. Nick

Katherine Long

14/7/2015 02:27:46 am

I think we only support profound change when at some level we engage with metaphorical/somatic revelation.

14/7/2015 02:34:40 am

Hi Katherine. I'm intrigued. Can you say more? With best wishes. Nick

19/7/2015 09:16:00 am

Hi Nick - I just saw your question back to me today. To explain my position, I guess I should say something about Eugene Gendlin's work, and the practice he developed which he called Focusing - what comes into focus when we come into mindful presence with our bodily experience. He noticed that clients who were unable to make connection with an inner 'felt sense' of their issue were statistically unlikely to make progress in therapy. That was a while ago - the 60's, but I think the findings still have value today.

What I think this research points to is the need for change to be FELT. We can lead clients towards change via more cognitive approaches, but they won't be changed until at some level they can feel the shift (and that often comes via the channel of metaphor - our bodies don't speak in whole sentences, but they are pretty good at pictures, symbols). The most radical changes I have facilitated with clients have centralised around a completely different feeling about how they need to be showing up. Not about plans and ideas, but all about how they show up differently, making everything different around them and creating powerful ripple effects.

Dr Lesley Hunter

14/7/2015 02:40:41 am

My entire business approach is built on metaphor. I work with leaders and found that many get stuck and overwhelmed by the range of leadership stuff out there - theories, models, frameworks. Using the 'pack leader' metaphor with dogs I take them back to the simple concept of having to 'lead' and I find they get back to understanding behaviour, emotion and the impact of their actions much better this way (even the people that don't like dogs!) this was the basis of my doctorate research and it definitely works!

14/7/2015 02:43:29 am

Hi Lesley and thanks for the note. I associate dog pack leaders with subduing the pack so I'm very curious to hear more about how you use the metaphor to evoke a different type of leadership! Do you have an example you could share? With thanks again and best wishes. Nick

19/7/2015 09:14:30 am

Hi Nick - I use the metaphor of human being a leader to a pack of dogs. I've taken human 'leaders' into a field and given them my German Shepherd and asked them to 'lead' the dog throug a simple task. Typically they try to tell it what to do (lessons in communication) then they try to cajole and bribe it with treats (lessons in motivation). They often have no idea of the need to set clear boundaries and expectations! One of the main lessons is that a dog responds to your emotional energy and gives instant feedback - lots of lessons here for working with teams.

It is not about the job title, position, status, authority, etc that makes a 'leader' but the behaviours that underpin the key elements of engagement, motivation and development of trust. My argument is that a dog will follow a human for a period of time initially through curiosity, bribes (food, toys, etc) and can be trained to follow instruction but a true leader-follower relationship is built on authenticity and trust.

If you can't get a dog to choose to follow you why would you consider that you are behaving as a leader ... and why would a human want to follow you?

Helen Amery

14/7/2015 02:45:09 am

Great post Nick, thanks for sharing. I love working with metaphor, especially asking clients to create their own metaphors. Do you notice some clients being more responsive to this approach than others? I tend to go on a gut feel of whether I think they'll connect to it. So just in writing this I'm keen to go bold and try this with some clients who I might assume won't - who am I to judge what will work and what won't!

14/7/2015 02:51:01 am

Hi Helen and thanks for your encouraging feedback. Yes, I've found that some clients work better with metaphor than others. I listen to the language and constructs they use to see how far they are already using metaphor to depict their own issue or situation. Sometimes I'll work with that metaphor, or experiment (e.g. by stretching it, taking it to extremes) or pose a contrasting metaphor to see what insight emerges. In this particular case example, I used the metaphor of the room because it felt very immediate and tangible. I will be very interested to hear how you get on with your own 'experiments'! ;) With best wishes. Nick

Kay Buckby

14/7/2015 02:52:41 am

Very interesting examples here. I went on a fascinating day workshop on the uses of metaphor in Transactional Analysis situations. TA is word based and since then I've often used the metaphors of speech to reflect back. For instance, someone said they needed "the right tools" and "I'm struggling to find a fit to the lock" and when I reflected their words as metaphors, it was the 'Ah ha' moment. Discourse analysis says language is action and I must say that it's been very useful as a technique. Every day metaphors such as "it's a nightmare today" or feels like "I'm firing on all cylinders." have a whole new meaning.
Regards
Kay

14/7/2015 02:59:57 am

Hi Kay and thanks for sharing such interesting ideas about how to work with metaphor. I too have noticed that people often use metaphors without necessarily being aware of it. Sometimes, a simple reflecting back of the metaphor can raise new awareness.

If I'm working in Gestalt mode, I may e.g. invite the client to act out the metaphor with me, or draw it, or exaggerate its features, or explore how it looks and feels from the perspective and experience of different parts or people that feature in the metaphor.

With thanks again and best wishes. Nick

14/7/2015 10:37:18 am

Hello Nick
Yes drama coaching can be powerful. I remember coaching someone years ago who said about feeling 'icy' during a difficult discussion.
I was taken by this as a metaphor and instinctively asked them to stand away from me and direct me into behaving in an icy way. It enabled me to focus on the whole scene and then explore thoughts, beliefs, intentions, options.
Regards
Kay.

15/7/2015 02:36:39 am

Hi Kay. Thanks for sharing that example. I love it! :) You may find this case study article of interest, based on a Gestalt coaching approach? http://www.nick-wright.com/just-do-it.html With best wishes. Nick

Ken Smith link

14/7/2015 05:17:18 am

We are physical beings moving through space and time and experiencing and exerting energy and force in our worlds. Metaphor is at the very centre of our sense-making of all of this and we are constantly translating our experiences into metaphorical equivalences when we communicate with ourselves and with others, whether in delightful symbols when we are shining lanterns and opening a door of perception, or in taken-for-granted prepositions, as when I'm feeling down and I've got to get through this. Working with this integral metaphorical content of my clients' language is how I coach, as it is in this that my clients' capacity for change resides: when their metaphors change, so do their experiences.

19/7/2015 10:18:13 am

Hi Ken. Thanks for such stimulating insights. It's as if we use metaphors to represent reality and experience in a way that's richer than simple descriptive language will allow. In that sense, changing the metaphor reframes our representations and, thereby, our perceptions and experiences of 'reality'. I'd be very interested to hear of any case examples you've used or discovered. With best wishes. Nick

Erika

14/7/2015 07:32:41 am

Nick, I enjoyed reading your post and the subsequent comments. I would like to share David Grove ' s work on what he called Clean Coaching. His methodology revolves around asking a set number of questions that draws out client metaphors and allows the client to delve into their metaphoric landscape. This methodology is very powerful and allows the client to unfold their metaphors with minimal distraction from the coach hence the wording clean coaching. In addition the clients words are used exactly as spoken and repeated back to them- no Para - phrasing or summarizing. This gives the client the feeling of being heard and a chance to hear their own words coming back at them. I hope

Ken Smith

15/7/2015 08:14:52 am

Erika and I are coming from the same place, as I coach using David Grove's Clean Language, out of which my comments come. Erika describes the approach very well!

19/7/2015 10:21:37 am

Hi Erika. Thanks for the note and affirming feedback. I've come across Clean Coaching before but not specifically in relation to use of metaphor. Do you know of any resources by David Grove that you could recommend in this area? Interestingly, in the this case example, the metaphor arose from the physical environment we met in, rather than from the client per se. Tuning into here-and-now experience raised awareness of a possibility that was true in the client's situation too. With thanks again and best wishes. Nick

Clare Cheesewright

17/7/2015 11:41:42 am

Building on the comments about which of our clients may be more receptive to metaphors... if I'm working with a client who is very reliant on cognitive date.. a client whose open door is thinking in a certain logical construct.. I talk about accessing all the data available to us including the emotional and visceral. Use of the word data somehow legitimises the other information that is present and the individual starts to allow feelings to emerge and becomes more interested in their body.. and more aware of their gut.. as they attempt to explain this and explore it we can often end up down the metaphor route.

19/7/2015 09:30:18 am

Hi Clare and thanks for sharing such interesting insights. I really like your idea of using the language and metaphor of 'data' as 'information' with a client who perceives the world in logical-analytical terms. Very helpful! With best wishes. Nick

Downey Petrea

19/7/2015 09:09:34 am

Great wee story - thanks.

19/7/2015 09:11:45 am

Thanks Downey. :) All the best. Nick

Uma Udaykumar

19/7/2015 09:10:56 am

Nick W, that is an in-depth case study. Thank you.

19/7/2015 09:12:30 am

Thanks Uma. With best wishes. Nick

James Dillon

23/7/2015 05:35:37 am

Hello,

Personally, I get my client to find his or her own metaphor in relation to a real-life situation. I try to avoid any possibility of making my own projection.

Also, people often stop after coming up with a neat metaphor, when it might actually be a fantastic starting point. Take the plunge into exploring what it means, looks like, how it would work if we were to interpret the metaphor more intently.

THEN discover an embedded insight that might be pertinent to the real life situation. It would not be a solution... not yet. But it might provide an inspiration for how to deal with the real-world issue. This detour via a metaphor is well worth it if we reappropriate the metaphor in real life.

Using metaphors becomes a richer approach if we train ourselves to spend a bit more time on the other side of the Looking Glass.

James Dillon

23/7/2015 05:40:12 am

Hi James and thanks for the stimulating comments. Yes, my normal practice would be to work with clients' metaphors. What struck me in this situation was how the client's environment provided its own metaphor...something that lay out of awareness for the client himself. It was something about being in the environment, experiencing it first hand, that provided a catalytic shift in awareness for both of us. I really like your emphasis on discovering embedded insights and the metaphor of the Looking Glass. Do you have any real case examples you would be willing to share? Would be great to hear more. With best wishes. Nick

23/7/2015 06:56:12 am

Nick, I wrote a "business tale" about change, called, "When Bears listen to Rabbits." It was added to of a more prosaic treatment of change processes with business cases and tools that my French publisher named, "Meet the challenge of change in 7 steps." It is available under this title in its Kindle version in English. I made sure to draw parallels with real-world situations in between each chapter, but I also wanted the tale to be fun to read, with its share of humor. As it turned out, an Emergency Ward got hold of the French version and it made the rounds. Nurses and Doctors would tease each other about whether they were thinking like a Bear or thinking like a Rabbit that day. I did make the case for needing both forms of energy, the need to form an alliance to face the Challenge.

23/7/2015 06:56:51 am

Thanks James. That sounds interesting. :) I'll check it out. With best wishes. Nick