Cracks

5/2/2019

I was astonished and alarmed to feel the building shudder each time the heavy vehicle went past. The doors inside my home rattled loudly, pictures slewed on the walls and cracks appeared around the window and door frames. I felt a new and urgent empathy with people living in earthquake-prone zones. I couldn’t believe it. Phone in hand, I hurriedly called the construction site manager. He sounded surprised but agreed to come and inspect the damage the following week.

Sure enough, the doorbell rang and here were 2 men dressed in hard hats and safety outfits on the doorstep. The contract manager with whom I had spoken previously introduced himself politely. The other, apparently the local site manager, stood back with distinct reluctance and scepticism written on his face. I reached out, shook hands then took them for a guided tour of the house, pointing out various cracks on route. Their reactions and responses couldn’t have been more different.

The contract manager listened carefully, took note of the damage and promised to ensure it would be rectified quickly, explaining what that would involve in practice. He also offered to inspect the exterior walls to check for any signs of structural damage. The site manager, by contrast, insisted in defensive tone that the vehicle could not have shaken the house, that the cracks could not have been caused by shaking and that they are, instead, a normal part of a building settling. Right.

So what are some lessons here for leaders, coaches, OD and trainers? I will list a few that spring to mind: 1. How open are we to invite and receive critical feedback on our leadership, interventions, actions or services? 2. How do others feel when they give us feedback? 3. How do we respond to feedback, especially if it is unsolicited or may leave us looking and feeling vulnerable, foolish or mistaken? 4. If/when cracks appear, what do we do to restore relationship, confidence and trust?

43 Comments

Jose Santiago

5/2/2019 01:14:44 pm

The first thing is understanding the cultural differences people have and how fb is considered, then the type of fb being offered or given and last whether it was solicited or pushed out. Each will have a different reaction and even form of delivery. For example at a meeting it will be different when its peers and friendly, vs in a negotiation!

Nick Wright

5/2/2019 01:18:30 pm

Hi Jose. I think that's a great explanation of why feedback can be so complex! Another dimension to consider is what we hope our feedback will achieve, e.g. a cathartic experience or to see a change. If the latter is the case, we do well to state clearly what change we hope to see.

Lucy Duggan

5/2/2019 03:08:06 pm

First I ask myself: what is the intention of the person who is giving me this critical feedback?

5/2/2019 03:08:39 pm

Hi Lucy. That can be a good question to ask the other person too.

Lisa Giesler

5/2/2019 03:09:41 pm

At first it may feel like a punch, then breathe, consider what is being said, smile, thank the person, get feedback from someone who you trust, and then go home to truly process if their is any truth.

5/2/2019 03:21:40 pm

Hi Lisa. I agree - 'breathe' is good advice, especially if we feel punched and winded by the feedback. I was reflecting on your comment and I think perhaps I may find feedback hardest from someone who criticises me for doing something they themselves do; e.g. a person I regard as often insensitive in relationships telling me that I lack empathy. Creating space to consider the feedback rather than simply reacting to it can be difficult yet also worthwhile.

Patrick Alexander Fuss

5/2/2019 03:23:49 pm

Feedback is indeed an interesting. Topic. As often it is also a complaint. ‘Cracks’ in our work, self esteem and ego. Taking responsibility for consequences not always easy. And as with your physical cracks. Often impossible to truly fix. In OD and leadership. Even more complex. As we deal with much uncertainty and complexity. The question really is how to approach the cracks. For me, all parties need a high level of emotional intelligence. Accountability, and courage. Feedback is not a problem solving tool. Says someone who does not believe in problem solving.

5/2/2019 03:28:43 pm

Thanks Patrick. Yes, these matters are often simple yet not always easy. I like your comment, 'The question really is how to approach the cracks', especially if we are operating in coach, group facilitator or OD roles.

What could the cracks represent, e.g. beyond the immediate issue or relationship itself? In attempting to fix the cracks, we may inadvertently hide or mask deeper and more significant issues. Food for thought.

5/2/2019 08:34:17 pm

We seem to b min the same space. making space for food of thought and new horizons of understanding. Yes, in my world too, relationships are key. and how do we manage and thrive in them and with those relations? I have been creating Relational Rhythms addressing the intra, inter, and trans relations that we all long for. IN that without language, an appreciation of living systems, emotional intelligence, and appreciative inquiry, it is so easy to feel lost.

5/2/2019 08:35:39 pm

Hi Patrick. That sounds interesting. Do you have an example from experience you could share here?

Kathrin

5/2/2019 06:41:26 pm

Feedback geben ist meistens einfacher als Feedback bekommen. Beim Feedback geben müssen wir aufpassen, dass es sachlich und wenn möglich mit einer positiven Komponente gesagt wird.
Feedback bekommen meint, meine Leistung wird kommentiert, nicht ich als Person. Meine Leistung muss ich sachlich sehen und weiß vielleicht selbst, wo es nicht so gut war.
Wenn ein Feedback uns verletzt hat, braucht es Zeit, damit klar zu kommen. Haben wir ein Problem mit der Person oder mit den Worten? Am schlimmsten wird es, wenn wir es bei dieser Person genauso machen möchten! Bitte nicht! Hier können wir wahre Größe im Annehmen und Vergeben zeigen!

5/2/2019 08:27:04 pm

Hallo Kathrin. Ich denke, das ist eine wichtige Unterscheidung: Haben wir ein Problem mit der Person oder mit den Worten? Nach meiner Erfahrung ist es möglich, ein sehr direktes Feedback von einer Person zu erhalten, der wir vertrauen, ohne sich verletzt oder defensiv zu fühlen, während selbst leicht kritisches Feedback von einer Person, der wir nicht trauen, sich als störend und quetschend empfinden kann. Ich stimme zu - wir müssen vorsichtig sein, um nicht zu rächen und stattdessen, wenn möglich, Gnade und Freundlichkeit zu zeigen.

[Hi Kathrin. I think that's an important distinction: do we have a problem with the person or with the words? In my experience, it's possible to receive very direct feedback from a person we trust without feeling hurt or defensive, whereas even slightly critical feedback from a person we don't trust can feel annoying and bruising. I agree - we need to be careful not to retaliate and, instead, to show grace and kindness where possible.]

Katia Ravé

5/2/2019 08:28:41 pm

This is very pertinent to my day. I posted a group today and I was told I broke the rules. Well, couple of steps like you explain :

1-If you make a mistake , take full responsibility. I did, I apologize in front of the whole group and then personally to the moderator.
2- Reestablished trust. I did by assuring that I was not only sorry , but will take the further steps not only in the future, but for the posts that I was allowed.
3-Own your mistake, walk the walk. We all make them, how we handle ourselves int he midst of it it truly who we are:-)

Thank you for this great article!

5/2/2019 08:31:13 pm

Thanks Katia. You are a great role model! :)

Ivan Petarnichki

5/2/2019 08:31:43 pm

I appreciate critical feedback as long as it is not just pure criticism but offers practical ideas for improvement.

5/2/2019 08:32:56 pm

Hi Ivan. Yes, otherwise it can simply sound and feel like an unhelpful complaint?

Julia Menaul

5/2/2019 08:50:09 pm

Stick my fingers in my ears and go la la la la la..... :)

5/2/2019 08:51:14 pm

Hi Julia. In my experience, there are certainly times when that's the best way to handle it! :)

Richard Boston

5/2/2019 10:53:04 pm

I find it’s best to ignore critical feedback. Delusion is so much more comforting ;o)

5/2/2019 10:53:38 pm

Haha Richard - you made me laugh! :)

Julie Genney

6/2/2019 10:51:18 am

Love a story.

6/2/2019 10:51:30 am

Thank Julie.

Melanie Bowker

6/2/2019 10:52:34 am

Great, straightforward analogy Nic, thanks.

6/2/2019 10:52:52 am

Thanks Mel :)

Henrietta Bond PCC

6/2/2019 10:54:07 am

We need to teach yoing people how to give and receive critical feedback. Life would be so much easier if we could all recognise that we're not meant to be robots and we're all bound to make mistakes. Or simply not do things the way other people expect. As a child I was paralysed by criticism and it's taken many years to be able to hear feedback without getting extremely defensive. Now I try to step into it and recognise the other person's right to express their views. And my right to own or reject what feels relevant for me.

6/2/2019 10:55:13 am

Thanks Henrietta. That's an interesting angle - a rights-based approach to giving and receiving feedback.

Katherine Hyslop

6/2/2019 10:56:09 am

Oh yes! constructive Critical feedback (in both directions) all part of the good Menu in Life; and we won't forget to be clear about our 'boundaries'! ...........then just stand firm in any rough sea?........let people know where you stand...........it matters; just as much as the open-ness to constructive dialogue.

6/2/2019 10:59:07 am

Hi Katherine. I'm intrigued. Can you say a bit more about 'boundaries'?

9/2/2019 10:03:37 am

It's straight forward: its about resilience and 'knowing' your route/directives/aspirations/goals and 'knowing' your 'Values/Beliefs'. Constructive/other type of: Feedback is of 'restricted' use to anyone unless they really understand their own scope/boundaries. Otherwise the recipient is like a field of grass in the wind....all over the place............ Go back a step in other words. Then one can respond both in relation to what one has come to understand about ones Values/Beliefs and in what you understand to be eg commercially viable for your business function (for example); and of course ultimately to be open to new ways of thinking .........an 'open' mindset needs to have some boundaries..............................Prepare your Path/Oil your wheels etc!!. (and then prepare again : 7 Habits ....etc)

9/2/2019 10:07:14 am

Hi Katherine. I think that's an incredibly important dimension to this conversation. If we try to adjust ourselves to everyone's feedback - to become what everyone else appears to want us to be - we risk losing ourselves completely in the process. Knowing our own beliefs, purpose and values and taking a stance based on them enables us to weigh up feedback rather than be driven by it.

Marta Dana

6/2/2019 11:22:44 am

If the organization promotes feedback as one of its key values and needed skills, everybody would feel more comfortable to do this exercise and the practice will only make it better. If not, all will depend on the personal background and exposure.

6/2/2019 12:36:40 pm

Hi Marta. I think that's a very useful and important link between feedback and culture. It relates to ideas of feedback and intention and learning to handle feedback well.

Jonathan Bowyer

6/2/2019 12:38:18 pm

Great thought provoker Nick, thanks. Reflections on your questions.... 1. There’s a difference between being open and inviting; one is passive and one is active. If the feedback culture is open, then we need to be ready to give and receive at any time. If we invite, then maybe we can have a bit more control. That might be handy if we think we might need to brace ourselves for the feedback, or prepare to give it in the best possible way. 2. Concerns about the feelings of the giver are often used as the reason for allowing anonymity in 360 degree feedback. More emotionally mature teams or organisations are perhaps more likely to take the risk of owning the feedback given, and for me that’s a valid cultural goal for many organisations. 3. Our response to feedback when we receive it, depends on so many things: timing, perceived intent, specificity, relevance and so on. And of course those things should influence the giver of feedback. 4. Restoring relationships when feedback has caused cracks, like many other things, depends on time, healing conversations, exploration and clarification and a determination to squeeze the juice out of the feedback, no matter how badly it was given.

6/2/2019 12:42:47 pm

Thanks Jonathan. What a great summary response to the questions! I agree on the 360 front and would by far prefer an approach that enables people to handle feedback well, rather than using anonymity. So much boils down to relationship and trust.

Marie-Christine Lammers

6/2/2019 01:40:17 pm

Your posts are so simple yet so profound. What is the advantage of avoiding feedback (receiving and giving), when is the price too high to pay as it comes to trust and authenticity? How to create an environment where giving/receiving feedback in a non violent way becomes the standard?

6/2/2019 01:44:30 pm

Thank you for such kind and non-violent feedback on the blog, Marie-Christine! I agree - how to create a culture, climate and capacity to hold healthy and life-giving conversations; characterised by support and challenge and built on love and trust.

Milagros Ovejero Solá

7/2/2019 10:27:47 am

I loved the post. It can’t be more accurate to a situation I lived yesterday at work, when without knowing about the 360 degrees I asked one of my reports to tell me how he feels about reporting and working with me. I asked for his feedback and when I was asking him that his face turned and he smiled, relaxed and said: “ok are we doing a 360 degrees?” I didn’t know what he was talking about, but I imagined. It was a very nice chat where I could listen to him and explain some reactions of me. Even though it was his talent review interview I think I learnt more.

7/2/2019 10:32:33 am

Thanks Milagros. I like that you were open and interested to receive feedback. What a great example. In my experience, sometimes people need some guidance to ensure feedback is specific and useful. For instance, 'Over the past 3 months, what went well (www) ... and even better if (ebi)?' Or we can use scaling questions, e.g. 'How would you rate our relationship on a scale of 1-10 ... and what would it take to move it up a notch?'

Sara Pearson MSc

11/2/2019 08:15:06 pm

On the face of it ‘feedback’ is such a simple word depicting an easy thing to do, yet in truth it is deceptively difficult and multidimensional, incorporating many complex systems, skills, emotions, values and behaviours. Done well, it is one of the most effective, essential and powerful vehicles for growth and positive change, and is why so much time, effort, and expense is invested on the subject. Done badly or not at all can be a recipe for disaster. In todays working environment, which is forever changing, unpredictable massively complicated and highly competitive, feedback is more critical than it has ever been.
However, for feedback to be truly effective organisations need to be ‘feedback ready’ and that involves investing significant time and commitment on employing the right people as well as building the right culture, environment, skills and systems. These are all essential prerequisites for effective feedback and believe this is where organisations fail in their efforts.
Emotionally intelligent organisations are successful at feedback because the people know themselves very well, are acutely aware of the impact of their behaviour on others, and are able to sense the emotions of others. They are proactive rather than reactive and create environments that openly stimulate and engage people to feel comfortable speaking their minds, voicing their opinions and challenging unacceptable behaviour.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that somethings, that on first glance appear simple, turn out to be the most complex so it is worthwhile doing your homework to ensure that your organisation is 'feedback ready', as this will be time well spent which hopefully will prevent or at least minimise any cracks.

11/2/2019 08:22:52 pm

Hi Sara. I think that's a very important and useful link between effective feedback and emotional intelligence. If, for instance, we implement a feedback system (e.g. 360-degree) without first working with people so that they come to a place where they sincerely desire and value honest feedback, it can create all kinds of destructive defensive routines. You may find this related case study interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/day-of-judgement.html

Neill Hahn

11/2/2019 08:23:50 pm

Your article's example highlights two common types of approaches, the Brave & the Defensive. The Brave focus on moving forward, despite the issues, while the Defensive focus on building divisions and walls, which create extra issues. I prefer working with the 'can fix it' people to the 'run and hide from it' people. [And have earth-shaking building going on over the road from my home. My sympathies to you.]

11/2/2019 08:26:38 pm

Hi Neill. Yes, that's a good characterisation of the (contrasting) 'Brave' and 'Defensive'. It often takes courage and humility as well as skill to invite and give feedback well. (Sorry to hear you are living through building works too!)

JHA link

22/3/2023 07:04:27 am

Nice and informative tips that home owners can follow through.

Cracks

Leave a Reply.

Nick Wright

Archives

Categories

Cracks

Leave a Reply.

​Nick Wright

​Archives

Categories

Nick Wright

Archives