Danger

18/5/2017

‘When I was a young girl, I slipped and fell down a deep well. I was only saved because my father happened to pass by and noticed my flip flops had floated to the surface.’ As I listened to her story, I felt transfixed…and terrified. This Filipina has survived so many life-threatening experiences that it blows any cats-with-9-lives stories I’ve heard into the proverbial weeds. As she recounts various tales from her life of growing up in the jungle on a remote island mountainside, I feel by contrast like I’ve lived in a sheltered cocoon, free from a freedom that creates so much adventure and danger.

I flash back now to a conversation with a German social worker about how it is today that so many people in so many prosperous, stable, Western societies engage in so many extreme sports. It’s as if people do something dramatic and place themselves deliberately at risk in order to feel alive. I once spoke with a female base jumper who said with a huge grin on her face, ‘It’s even better than sex!’ I have to confess that I struggle to imagine that but…hey, I also struggle to imagine throwing myself head-first off a building suspended only by an elongated elastic band. Each to their own.

The social worker hypothesised that our societies have become so sanitised, protective, health-and-safety conscious and risk-averse that at some deep psychological level we can feel dead. In an era where even the once-unconquerable Everest now appears trampled and tamed, have we lost the thrill of surviving, of overcoming-against-all-odds, of achieving beyond what we ever dreamed possible? Contemporary Western people and societies often feel listless, bored and frustrated and lack resilience, purpose and hope. Can we co-create healthy risks that enliven and not endanger?

60 Comments

Archana Bhatia

18/5/2017 09:50:53 pm

Totally on point, Nick..and this "being safe" and "protective' starts in the children"s playground. We raise our children by constantly telling them what to do, right from wrong instead of letting them discover it for themselves. How, then, are they to grow up strong, confident and risk takers?

Nick Wright

18/5/2017 09:56:49 pm

Thanks Archana. Yes, I remember a psychologist I spoke with who commented on how un-resilient her teenage daughter is, how much she struggles with every apparent setback. She remarked that, on reflection, she had spent too much time trying to protect her daughter as a child rather than trying to prepare her for life in this world. It's a tough one for parents, especially in a culture that appears to prefer and value protection over preparation.

Vimala Suppiah

19/5/2017 08:46:50 am

Great insight Nick. But, even in Asia, the perspective of parenting has changed and continues to, as Tiger Moms and over protective parenting has led to Millennials lacking problem solving, critical thinking, communication skills etc. as they enter the workplace. Last year, I completed a 6 month coaching program for Fresh Graduates and that was an eye-opener!

19/5/2017 08:47:53 am

Thanks Vimala. That's interesting. Could you share any examples of what you encountered with the graduates?

Pam Kennett

19/5/2017 09:51:33 am

You should follow Suzy Madge madge on LinkedIn - she has researched positive risk taking. Worth understanding what underpins people's motives for taking risk. It's a very interesting piece of research.

19/5/2017 09:52:09 am

Thanks Pam. Suzy's profile certainly looks interesting!

Amy R. Brown

19/5/2017 07:21:58 pm

"In an era where even the once-unconquerable Everest now appears trampled and tamed, have we lost the thrill of surviving, of overcoming-against-all-odds, of achieving beyond what we ever dreamed possible?"

#PerfectlyDescribed

19/5/2017 07:22:57 pm

Thank you, Amy!

#GreatEncouragement

Cath Norris

20/5/2017 01:03:33 pm

Brilliant Nick. Making our need for risk conscious, feels like it might be incredibly, desperately imlortant. I sense that we might often be risk taking in ways which contain an energy of rebellion and reaction and a negated sense of our own needs and abilities. The image of enforced sitting through years of education comes to mind, the dismissal of our need to physically follow our impulse to explore. The result appears to be that we are risk taking in sedentary ways, smoking, drinking, eating ourselves to the potential edge of oblivion and beyond in an unacknowledged game of 'dare'.

20/5/2017 01:08:29 pm

Thank you for expressing that so profoundly, Cath. You have given me lots of fresh insights to ponder, especially 'the energy of rebellion and reaction' and the 'game of dare'. My sense is that this has profound implications for individuals, groups, organisations, societies and international relations.

21/5/2017 12:32:22 pm

I think so Nick. In her talk on vulnerability, Brene Brown explored some of the potential implications assosciated with a failure to engage with our vulnerability - compensatory addictions and black and white thinking to defend ourselves from being seen to be wrong. Risk taking and learning through exposure to vulnerability and it's consequences for ourselves and others go hand in hand. Brown talks about the impact on corporate life, namely covering up consequences and lack of accountability.

When I managed services for young people we had a large sign on the wall 'You're allowed to try and you're allowed to go get it wrong'. Conscious permission for conscious risk taking and conscious acknowledgement of consequences feels fundamental for our growth. Currently we're in a disassociated state and it's killing us and our planet.

21/5/2017 12:35:22 pm

Hi Cath. I think that's an interesting and important link between risk, learning and accountability, especially in cultural environments where perceived 'failure' is punished or frowned upon.

Ian Henderson

20/5/2017 01:09:20 pm

Thanks for the wisdom, Nick.

20/5/2017 01:10:00 pm

Thanks for your encouraging feedback, Ian!

Avinash Phillips

20/5/2017 01:10:33 pm

Great observation: "It’s as if people do something dramatic and place themselves deliberately at risk in order to feel alive." Great question: Can we co-create healthy risks that enliven and not endanger?" No wonder you are a coach Mr Wright. In fact, I'm inclined to think that if you have not risked, you have not lived.

20/5/2017 01:12:07 pm

Thanks Avinash. You reminded me of the idea of co-creating a 'safe emergency' in Gestalt coaching and therapy. Are you familiar with it?

24/5/2017 04:10:23 pm

No, I'm not familiar with it, but I'll research it. Thanks.

Kerris Horne

20/5/2017 04:47:17 pm

Excellent article! The trick I think is to create an environment where ideas are welcomed and failure is tolerated. So many businesses are focused on resource rationalisation now; preferring drones with narrow, safe & cost effective objectives. They have forgotten the value of diverse perspectives and the transformative effect of a single great idea, often borne from several well supported, nurtured failed attempts.

20/5/2017 04:51:08 pm

Thanks Kerris! I love your comment, 'often borne from several well supported, nurtured, failed attempts'. Yes, I've seen organisations that recognise the need for innovation yet try to avoid any risks in pursuing it. It's as if to say, 'We welcome trying new things but only if we can have cast iron guarantees in advance that they will succeed.'

Barry Jackson

20/5/2017 04:52:21 pm

This article really resonates. Not only are we becoming less resilient, things that would have been described as part of everyday life are now labelled as some sort of catastrophe. When I was a child, people who faced adversity would be described as unhappy. Unhappiness was normal. Now they're clinically depressed. Now it's an illness. Recently I came across a girl who'd miscarried during pregnancy. She was told she was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; the same condition suffered by soldiers who've had limbs blown off by terrorist bombs in Afghanistan.

20/5/2017 04:58:24 pm

Thanks Barry. Kenneth Gergen has written some very insightful and thought-provoking articles on a similar theme (e.g. 'The Limits of Neuroscience' in Therapy Today journal, July 2015). He talks about how the language we use, particularly vis a vis mental health, is contributing to 'a massive diseasing of the population'. I love his comment in the article that, 'The challenge is to develop resources for moving through cultural life effectively as opposed to sedating ourselves for the journey.' Very profound.

David Kiely

20/5/2017 10:20:13 pm

I imagine the amount of people going through the daily grind, in jobs they don't like, spending years living without reaching anywhere near their full potential, wold be a frighteningly high percentage. I think it is a problem deeply ingrained in us as a species. We are hardwired for survival, but the majority of us are fortunate enough to lead lives that don't depend on daily decisions of life or death, yet that unease remains, in the gut, that there must be something more.

Others who are entrenched in poverty and violence long for this quiet Western way of life. I often wonder if they got there would they fall foul to the great ennui malaise before long? I doubt it very much. Our technological advances, ever changing, ever quickening, our increased consumerism, and our exponential sources of information have resulted in our capacity for contentment to become severely short lived as we constantly look for something new to amuse us. With these endless streams of information, our true voices get drowned out, and we lose sight of what is important.

From a coaching perspective, with a coachee looking for excitement in their lives, I have experienced that it is deeper meaning that they are quite often searching for.

A look at the various social constructs the coachee is engaged with, combined with a deep examination of values, can prove useful in an attempt to find where in life there is the possibility to explore areas in which the coachee can act in accordance with what is most important to them. Drawing attention to what they do have in their lives is also useful to dilute the 'grass is always greener' image they are visualising.

Obviously this isn't always the case, or even the majority of cases, but i have certainly talked to many individuals who found deeper meaning in their pursuits and found that the need for excitement was reduced as a result.

20/5/2017 10:43:05 pm

Hi David. I think that's a really interesting perspective. Yes, there is, for instance, something about an exposure to 24-hr social media etc. that can leave us over-stimulated, stressed and exhausted.

At the same time, the stimulation becomes so normal that we may find ourselves seeking it, a bit like taking ever stronger-yet-damaging drugs to experience the same highs as we had done previously. We can become addicted to the rush.

I too have found that, sometimes, the solution is to pause and go deeper. It can enable us to discover greater depths, a sense of grounding, sometimes in spiritual or existential dimensions, in place of crashing headlong into the future at an ever-increasing frenetic pace.

If you have any examples from your coaching practice that you would be happy to share, I would be very interested to hear more.

Kristin Swarcheck M.Ed., CPC, ELI-MP

21/5/2017 12:28:43 pm

I believe it is healthy to partake in one terrifying act a day, to experiment with overcoming your fears. It is when we walk over the ledge and trust that the bridge will appear that we can be empowered to grow with "passion in action."

21/5/2017 12:31:16 pm

Hi Kristin. I do like your expression, 'walk over the ledge and trust that the bridge will appear.' It reminds me of a profound scene in 'Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade'. Interestingly, some people who engage in extreme sports fear the notion of overcoming fear because it is the fear that creates the adrenaline rush they crave.

E.G.Sebastian - CPC, CSL

21/5/2017 12:41:24 pm

Hmm... very very interesting and engaging read... but, (absolutely only) in my opinion, the reasoning is way off. We don't do extreme sports to "feel alive," but rather because we enjoy it tremendously... With that said, of course, "we" does NOT exist. I've never bungy-jumped, nor will I ever do it. So maybe some of those guys do it to "feel alive," though I'd argue that some already feel really alive, and that's why they do it - cause they are alive and love to live and have fun.

I've been a full-contact martial artist for 20+ years... I'd meet up in the muntains some guy from another style and we'd kick the poop out of each other, and loved every second of it :) - amazingly, I never broke a single bone ever (till age 38 or so, when I broke both of my knees, about 5 years apart).

I also ski, going straight down, freaking out everyone around me, picking up "light-speed" :), and LOVE every minute of it. But... I feel alive in between these "extreme adventures"...

OK... so, I remembered something that will somewhat give credence to your reasoning too... I used to rock climb - mountain cliffs - without ropes. 100s of feet. I got stuck on walls a few times, and back then (80s) there we no cell phones, so I could either get off or die. When I'd get back from these 3 to 4 week trips, and dozens of climbs under my belt, I could face the (perceived) "crap" of society for another year...

Then in '91 I attended a 2-weekend crazy-intensive EST training (Werner Erhard's infamous seminar), and after that training (at 23) I quit my job, started smiling, and spent the rest of my life self-employed and happy... and a few other changes happened. Prior to that "training," I used to be an angry young man, with tendencies towards agression and depression (usually just blues).

Here comes the interesting part: When I went the next year to the mountains... I walked to a wall with the intent to climb it... I looked up to it and I said, "I don't need you any more" :) - I still love rock climbing, but I do it now with gear on me (and ropes). My daughter and I go rock-climbing whenever we can.

I don't know if all this jumble of words provides you any value, but I thought I'd defend some of us "adrenaline junkies." I don't need any of this to feel alive. I'm a passionate loving being every day, but I also like doing crazy stuff :)

Of course... maybe what I view as extreme sports, are not as extreme as the ones you might think of. Jumping out of airlplanes and not opening the parasute till you are a few hundred feet from the ground... skiing down on an almost vertical slope... etc.

Sorry for the loooooong post - it was great to remember my glorious youth and cool stuff I've done :)

21/5/2017 12:48:09 pm

Hi E.G. That is very cool stuff indeed! :) I think that's a fair challenge: '...some already feel really alive, and that's why they do it - cause they are alive and love to live and have fun.' I think it is also true that some people do extreme things to create a feeling of being alive in contrast to how they otherwise feel in ordinary life. I can relate to both - doing things because I'm alive and doing things to feel alive. A risk of the latter is having to do more and more extreme things to achieve the same buzz. It's probably similar to some roots of addictive behaviours!

Lori Kay MA,RNCP,RP

21/5/2017 04:52:08 pm

I also think the avoidance to feel feelings facilitates the risk taking. In some respects it is a slow suicide, to avoid the self and replace it with extreme.

21/5/2017 04:52:54 pm

Hi Lori. That sounds very profound to me. Do you have any examples from experience you could share?

Shirley Jones

21/5/2017 11:00:59 pm

This is such a great conversation. Love it! For my part, I love to play with my horse Trevor and create new dances with him on the ground and to see hoe connected we are when he is at liberty. We get into this zone where we can get so wrapped up the rest of the world just melts away. I did this to face all my fears and overcome societal conformity. Its true, I can be in society because I have that healthy, wholesome, challenging and also it has the possibility of extreme danger.

21/5/2017 11:04:00 pm

Thanks Shirley! 'Trevor' is such a great name for a horse. :) I'd be interested to hear more about how dancing with Trevor enabled you to 'face all my fears and overcome societal conformity'. Also, what the possibility of 'extreme danger' is. I am intrigued. Can you say more?

24/5/2017 09:00:55 am

Thanks for sharing that, Shirley :) - I can relate to that - for me it was Rock Climbing (on mountain "rocks," not the artificial one). After my "dance" with the cliff walls, for a few weeks, I could return to society and face it for a full year without getting annoyed by pettiness or sillinesses around me... I'd Love to see a video of you and your horse - are you riding him when you "dance" - or is it something different...?

Coach Calvin

21/5/2017 11:04:40 pm

Hey Nick...thanks for sharing this. It is helping me personally and I also got some insight that I will share with a potential client. All the best!

21/5/2017 11:05:17 pm

Hi Calvin. That is encouraging news. Thank you for the feedback!

Matt Morey, PMP, DTM

22/5/2017 04:41:11 pm

Nick, an interesting question, and one without an easy answer. Humans often seem programmed to avoid the things that are risky but may have the best reward; whether that is the base jumper you mentioned or the person who has a fantastic business idea and yet won't take the risk because they prefer the stability of the 9-5 job (which in itself is an illusion). Sadly, I think we must start younger, encouraging children to try new things and advance in the world through experiences beyond an iPhone or Kindle screen.

On the business side, encourage your teams to take risks and search for the lessons rather than the blame. If someone tries something new that doesn't work, don't berate them; but instead, help them find the growth. Risk aversion within the adult world comes because there is no tolerance for mistakes or exploration. That is the first thing that probably needs to be addressed by leaders for each of their teams.

22/5/2017 04:42:53 pm

Hi Matt. Interesting thoughts. What do you think lays behind 'no tolerance for mistakes or exploration'?

Howard Hughes

22/5/2017 04:44:40 pm

This is a great question that goes beyond working on a superficial level. As a firewalk instructor I use this exercise to overcome fear (as opposed to caution). Being led by our fears as most of us do, we tend not to use reason and explore the facts (what is the ration of injuries to to participants in extreme sports?). It also takes something profound to overcome our ego grip on our thinking, the thinking that 'puts us in our place'. I support healthy risk taking by increasing confidence in the self with the understanding that final 'leap of faith' can only be taken by the individual in an environment of their own creation whether alone or in a group. You cannot fake that in these circumstances. The 'felling alive' is the freedom of unrestricted thinking.

22/5/2017 04:49:25 pm

Thanks Matt. I did a firewalk last year as a charity fundraiser. The trainer took us through a series of exercises first, all aimed at exposing us to increased levels of perceived risk (e.g. fear of humiliation, fear of injury) and enabling to discover that we could survive. It was a kind of de-sensitisation process. I was looking forward to facing the fear of the firewalk and doing it. There was something about doing it that was completely different to thinking about what it might be like to do it. I was a bit disappointed when it came to it because it didn't look and feel as dangerous, as challenging, as I had hoped for!

Rolf Graf

23/5/2017 08:45:29 am

Fantastic story. and true. unfortunately.

23/5/2017 08:46:06 am

Thanks Rolf. I'm intrigued. Say more..?

Tony Nguyen

24/5/2017 09:01:43 am

Have you met Brene Brown or seen her tedtalk on vulnerability ?

24/5/2017 09:02:33 am

Hi Tony. I haven't met her but I have seen her TED Talk. Very thought-provoking.

Ursula Najar

24/5/2017 09:03:45 am

Hi Nick, well this is an interesting one! Loved your article. I think it definitely has something to do with the society we live in. I sometimes see cars with a sticker on the back which reads "Same shit, different day". I think it is not only our sanitised, safety-conscious world but also a (western) world where people feel disillusioned - about jobs, about making it, about being that ideal shape, about politics, the environment etc. So the thrill-seeking becomes an escape from the everyday world. Once the brain has experienced such a huge thrill, it can lead to addiction - to feel this thrill again and again. And as in addiction, the thrill has to become more and more extreme in order to feel that 'high' again. You ask if we can co-create healthy risks that enliven and not endanger and I think "no", because the core of the thrill is, that it is endangering in order to get that ultimate thrill.

24/5/2017 09:17:25 am

Thanks Ursula! I think your insights are very profound. There's something about learning how do deal with deep personal and cultural malaise without resorting to quick fix solutions that can inadvertently prove very damaging.

At the same time, I'm drawn to ideas in, say, Gestalt therapy around co-creating a 'safe emergency' - a place and relationship where a person can experiment with new ways of being and doing that may be very different to what they do and experience normally - and could feel scary and risk-taking...with support.

There are parallels in exposure therapy where a person is exposed to a progressively amplified series of experiences that they consider scary and risk-taking, again with support. It can enable the person to overcome life-limiting fears and phobias.

Paradoxically, I agree with you that sense of danger and fear are, perhaps, necessary conditions to experience the thrill that, say, extreme sports can give - and that we risk becoming addicted and needing ever-increasing danger to experience the same buzz.

I'm still thinking out loud on this one..! :)

Lisa Wilson

24/5/2017 06:22:42 pm

I recently coached someone who played hockey and mountain biked. However had to talk herself into making one call per day at work. I think everyone's idea of extreme is different. She is now comfortable with calls. But I didn't have to concern myself too much with her physical safety.

24/5/2017 06:26:34 pm

Hi Lisa. Are you saying she found it harder to make a call than to do hockey and mountain biking? Yes, I agree - each person (and sometimes group or culture) has their own things that they find challenging. I'm curious. What did she do - or maybe what did you do with her - to enable her to feel comfortable with calls?

Maegan Carney MA

25/5/2017 09:23:05 am

I was a professional extreme skier and fully lived that lifestyle that so many people love to talk about. The truth is I knew very few people who were running away from their emotions or seeking an ever greater risk in order to get the same high. Perhaps they were the ones who died. I remember two of us narrowly escaping a deadly avalanche and crying in each other's arms because we were so happy to still be alive. I remember doing ceremony on the top of peaks to honor the spirits of protection. Yes, we were 'escaping' from the real world, but didn't our joy somehow contribute to a better world too. Most extreme athletes are very calculating. We aren't trying to throw caution to the wind; we are assessing our own abilities and gauging the appropriateness of our risks with attunement, not avoidance.

I believe that psychological and emotional risks are just as enlivening as physical ones. Being able to assess our growing edge is what helps us separate healing and invigorating risks from the ones that just seem stupid. What tests me will not be the same for you, but if we each play on the edge of our personal risk tolerance, we will be more engaged in our lives.

25/5/2017 09:26:36 am

Hi Maegan. Thanks for sharing such interesting insights from personal experience. On 'our growing edge', you reminded me of Rho Sandberg's comments shared here: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/the-edge-of-experience Let me know what you think?

26/5/2017 02:34:37 pm

As a therapist I think that taking risks can lead us into some of the most profound spaces with our clients. Some of my most challenging learning as a therapist was around learning to honour and stay congruent with what I was picking up on. At times that's called on me to name the 'un-namable', the things which take me to my personal and cultural edges. I think that it's that stuff which really leads to the magic, the breathless moments where we really let ourselves drop in to the fullness of what is being presented to us.

26/5/2017 02:36:45 pm

Hi Cath. You have reminded me of three fundamental qualities that I think contribute to impactful coaching or therapeutic relationships: congruence, curiosity and courage.

Dr. Lih-Jia Guo

26/5/2017 02:38:19 pm

Interesting thoughts Nick.. I wonder whether it has to do with the lack of adrenaline rush because we live in a protected, health-and-safety conscious environment? Psychologically it could possibly have something to do with sense of self-efficacy? The need to know that we are capable of doing something risky?

26/5/2017 02:39:29 pm

Hi Lih-Jia. I like the link you make with self-efficacy: 'the need to know that we are capable of doing (and, perhaps, surviving!) something risky'.

Arun Dongrey

26/5/2017 02:43:59 pm

Calculated risk should always be encouraged. One should also remember for higher risks that:'No Risk, No Gain'.

26/5/2017 02:45:11 pm

Hi Arun. Do you have any examples you could share from personal experience of where you have taken a risk and seen the benefits?

Riccardo Bianconi

1/6/2017 06:28:41 pm

Thanks for the challenge Nick. In my opinion the point is that some people, not so much referred to the whole population, in a particular way are exposed to greater doses of "dopammina". Their brain is, of course. This exposure, becomes always more frequent and also the level of exposure grows. It's the addiction paradigm. When they rise the natural limit of dopammina production by normal lifestyle (one of the biggest event is sex climax), they need more and for more time of exposure. So external provision and taking of drugs, as like cocaine, or by extreme experience, or both. The real point is that such people do not behave like a girl/boy exploring the wild word, where risks are embedded. The girl you refer was not looking for falling in a well, of course, nor for the related fear. I believe this people looks for great dopammina production in their brain and, in some cases, they can arrive to drugs taking too. It's an addiction problem.

1/6/2017 06:30:49 pm

Hi Riccardo and thank you. I agree with you that there are, potentially, strong parallels with the process and experience of addiction.

Dr. Sandra Camacho

5/6/2017 10:48:20 am

I think people search for a false sense of aliveness when they don't know how to connect to their real source of aliveness, their authentic self or soul. We get so much cultural programming about having to be brave strong, courageous, worthy of respect, etc. in ways that don't even relate to who we really are. The false self identifies itself with the life force. This is why authenticity and vulnerability can be so frightening for so many people.

5/6/2017 11:06:43 am

Hi Sandra. Very interesting thoughts. I'm curious: 'false' seems to indicate there is a definitive idea of, by contrast, 'real'...and a way of knowing it to be real. I'm not sure. I sometimes ask people in coaching, 'When do you feel most alive?' I notice it is different for different people, and sometimes different for the same people at different times or in different situations in their lives.

Social constructionism poses some fundamental challenges to the notion of discovering our authentic 'self' - as if it is something there to be unearthed, discovered, connected to...rather than constantly created - including by experience, language and culture. And yet, at the same time, we do sometimes have that sense of, e.g. 'I'm not being myself', as if we do have a deeper sense of who we are or, perhaps, prefer or aspire to be.

Lots to think about. Thank you! :)

Yathiraj Agarwal

13/6/2017 08:59:28 am

Awesome Conversation here!

13/6/2017 09:00:05 am

Thanks Yathiraj! :)

Danger

Leave a Reply.

Nick Wright

Archives

Categories

Danger

Leave a Reply.

​Nick Wright

​Archives

Categories

Nick Wright

Archives