Defining moments

15/3/2013

It was pouring with rain outside so it seemed only fair to offer the workmen a coffee. I’m not sure what they were doing, something to do with repairing the road, but they looked very cold and very wet. The leader of the group looked friendly and surprised as I approached them. ‘Nobody ever offers us a coffee…they just glare at us for blocking the road.’

One coffee with two sugars later, he looked quite emotional. The rain was streaming down his ruddy face. ‘I never wanted to do this job. It’s not how I imagined spending my life.’ Now it was my turn to look surprised. ‘I passed my 11+ but there weren’t enough spaces at the local grammar school. That simple fact determined my whole life…and here I am now. It’s so unfair.’

I was a bit taken aback by this sudden outpouring. I struggled to find something to say but the words didn’t come out. He turned and climbed back onto the truck. ‘Thanks for the coffee, mate.’ I walked back into the house, stirred by his story and reflecting on moments in life that can prove so pivotal, moments that often feel entirely outside our influence or control.

I thought back to moments in my own life. Defining experiences, key people and relationships, music I’ve heard, things I’ve read, places I’ve been, studies I’ve undertaken, jobs I’ve done. Some felt like moments I created, others felt purely circumstantial, some felt like success, others felt like failure. It’s been a mixed experience and has shaped who I am.

What’s your story? What stand out to you as the defining moments in your life? Who and what has shaped you most? What are the key choices or decision points that have led you to where you are now? Which moments have felt within your control and which have felt beyond you? Have you ever sensed the strange and mysterious, clear yet confusing hand of God?

23 Comments

Bridget

15/3/2013 04:09:57 pm

Hi Nick

I found this blog very powerful! :-)

Firstly, I was caught up in how the man must feel and wanting to reach out to him and help him find a way out of his predicament. It was almost as if he was serving some sort of sentence and had no way out. Heart breaking.

Secondly, I was overwhelmed with humility and gratitude for the opportunities I have been given in life and sometimes wasted...

Thirdly, I was inspired to be more kind and was reminded of the "strapline" that a church I had heard of had on their church building "Small things done with great love can change the world."

I hope that God used your "small" act of kindness to somehow change his world!

Blessings kind person

B

Nick Wright

16/3/2013 12:59:39 am

Hi Bridget and thanks for the note. Your comments caused me to reflect more on 'kindness'. In the moment I described, I vaguely felt for the blokes working in the rain, wondered about offering them a coffee, then felt ambivalent about approaching them as strangers and mildly apathetic about actually offering coffee rather than just thinking about it! I had to snap myself into action to do it.

It makes me wonder how often I miss other opportunities to show kindness as a result of my self-preoccupation, reservedness or apathy. It sometimes comes down to choosing to lift up my head, to raise my awareness and to act decisively in the moment to overcome my own resistance or inertia. I want to be a kinder person and always feel inspired by other people who show kindness.

Thanks for your kind comments! :) With best wishes. Nick

Tammy Bimrose

16/3/2013 06:13:35 am

You are a champ for showing compassion. I wish more people in the world would show a little more compassion toward fellow man. Bless you

16/3/2013 06:14:37 am

Thanks Tammy. I wish I would show more compassion more of the time! Bless you too. Nick

Mary K. Shaird

16/3/2013 06:38:44 am

Like others who commented on your post, I was struck by how a simple act of kindness opened a floodgate of blessing. The man with regrets had an opportunity to share his frustration, which may have been all he needed to go on with his life. You had a chance to reflect on life's defining moments and to write a message that encourages us to do the same. And ultimately, we all (including the bitter road worker) can thank God for the experience.

16/3/2013 06:53:12 am

Hi Mary and thanks for such thoughtful comments. It's true that the moment of catharsis with a stranger may have been just what the man needed to enable him to go on with his life. I hadn't thought of it that way so thank you.

I think the thing that struck me most was how he traced his whole life journey and circumstances back to a single moment when he was just 11 years old. It struck me how we risk being psychologically imprisoned by the significance that we attribute to such moments, how the stories we tell ourselves about our lives can either entrap or release us.

I wrote a blog about a similar issue, based on insights from Transactional Analysis on life scripts: http://www.nick-wright.com/1/post/2011/12/whats-your-story.html. I would be very interested to hear what you think.

I liked your comment, 'we can thank God for the experience.' It's something about a radical shift in perspective, attitude and approach that can begin to set us free. For those who have a faith in God, it's also a sense that our lives are not determined by circumstances but ultimately by God. With best wishes. Nick

17/3/2013 01:46:13 pm

I had a chance to read the piece you suggested. Where to start? I was adopted as a baby and I lived my whole life (until quite recently) making sure everyone left me---like my original parents. Either I chose to deal with people who were broken like me or I pushed "whole" folks away. Only Jesus could change my "expectations" and give me a new script to live by! Again, thank you for the penetrating ideas that help us reflect on and appreciate how much God has done (and continues to do) for us.

17/3/2013 01:53:22 pm

Hi Mary. Thanks for sharing such a personal and moving example of how life scripts can work out in practice, and of the profound difference Jesus has made in your life. With best wishes. Nick

Leanne

17/3/2013 01:33:32 pm

Felt really moved by this man's anger and sense of unfairness - I felt such sadness that in his eyes his whole life was ruined by that one episode. Because it didn't have to be. And yet, where in my life have I allowed a single setback, a dip, to trap me in that place ? I shall ponder. Thanks Nick for sharing this insight, and I shall pray that this man finds his purpose.

17/3/2013 02:04:41 pm

Hi Leanne and thanks for the note. Yes, the man's reflections on his life journey caused me, similarly, to reflect on defining moments in my own life and the significance I've attributed to them. I've sometimes allowed how I've felt about experiences to have too great a hold over me, influencing my perspective, behaviour, decisions etc. Thank you for praying for the man. With best wishes. Nick

Ellie Locke

17/3/2013 01:45:02 pm

Everyone has been the recipient of a "random act of kindness." Just stop and think back...someone picked up that which you dropped, opened a door for you, returned a lost wallet or offered up the two or three cents that you were short in the grocery line up. The trick now is to remember to "Pay it forward", creating a win win scenerio! Proud of you Nick and of those reading and grasping the importance of your comment.

17/3/2013 02:08:52 pm

Hi Ellie and thanks for the note. Yes, I like the notion of 'pay it forward'. I liked your reflection too that we have all received random acts of kindness. Perhaps a valuable life lesson is to learn to notice them when they happen, to appreciate them by allowing them to touch us and to reciprocate by showing similar kindness to others. Your encouraging feedback is an example of such kindness. With thanks and best wishes. Nick

Lakshmidevi

1/4/2013 05:30:53 am

Hi Ellie,
very true...a little bit of kindness touches the soul...
it connects deeply...:-)

Christine Onimbo

18/3/2013 02:54:08 am

Those defining moments in our lives we may blame our selves the other person and even God. We would save the situation if we could make peace with self , the other person and God.

19/3/2013 12:15:35 pm

Wise words, Christine. With best wishes. Nick

20/3/2013 06:55:59 am

Thanks Nick for the compliments . The wisdom starts with you. Your post brings out the situation as it is worldwide, full of frustration and dissatisfaction as individuals, communities and nationals.Much is being done in terms of International Aids only to address the symptoms but not the root causes of the problems. If only the beneficiaries and the Aid agencies could get to the root cause of the presenting problems and start from there that would help get out of the problems.

Kym-Marie Cleasby

18/3/2013 04:27:30 am

Very powerful....

19/3/2013 12:17:43 pm

Thanks Kym-Marie. Does it resonate with your experience too? With best wishes. Nick

20/3/2013 06:55:17 am

Yes, it does..... Only I was the one telling my life story - it literally changed my life!

Chelsey Chen

18/3/2013 09:34:03 am

I think 2 things struck me the most. One its an encouragement to get out there to do the random acts of kindness that always pull at my heart. I often get tugged to stop and do something for this person and that and I always come up with excuses why I shouldn't or why its too complicated, mostly they are selfish I'm sure. Its such a pleasure though the see a bit of joy on someone's face when I do in those rare acts reach out and its always totally worth it.

I also had a similar conversation recently with a Vietnamese woman. My husband had made an appointment for me to get a manicure and pedicure for my birthday (first time ever) and I took the time to ask the woman about her life. She had come from Vietnam about 8 years ago to join her husband who had already been here for several years with his family. She got pregnant pretty quickly once with him again and so she needed a career quick. She went and got training on doing manicures and pedicures because it was quick and cheap. That's it, she made a decision simple based on what was convenient for her and her family (completely out of love and sacrifice) and she will probably be stuck doing it for the rest of her life. I think there are a lot more people out there like this and I think its a bigger issue than we realize, especially for the poor and marginalized. Maybe its a lack of hope, we've been trained by circumstances that things are the way they are and there is no way around them.

I think its also understanding that hope is a privilege, in many ways that is not offered to everyone... so, maybe the question is how do we in our daily lives offer hope to the people we interact with? whether its our children, family members, students, homeless... etc. I think we all have a role to bring hope and to encourage others to pass that hope along.

Thank you Nick for your part in that...

19/3/2013 12:29:14 pm

Hi Chelsey and thanks for sharing such pertinent examples from your own experience. I can certainly identify with the inner struggle you describe along with the pleasure you and others experience when you overcome it. I loved your emphasis on offering hope, especially for the poor and marginalised. The German theologian, Jürgen Moltmann, once wrote that, 'Hell is hopelessness'. I think that's a powerful statement and one that resonates as true. What an amazing call and opportunity we each have in the world to be an agent of hope for others and, perhaps, thereby for ourselves too. Thanks for your inspiring words. With best wishes. Nick

1/4/2013 05:36:59 am

Hi Nick,
Amazing blog and great replies from everyone. I love the title "defining moments". The most hopeless moments are my most hopeful moments. Something emerge out of hopelessness too....:-)

1/4/2013 02:05:37 pm

Hi Lakshmidevi and thanks for the encouraging note. I found your reflection on seeing hope in hopelessness very deep and inspiring. Do you have any examples you would be happy to share with us? With best wishes. Nick