Difficult

20/10/2016

Difficult is in the eye of the beholder. Or is it? If I’m working with you and find you difficult, doesn’t that mean you are difficult? If you find me difficult to work with, does that make me difficult? Or, looking at it differently, could it be that difficult is personally, culturally or contextually constructed? I’ll give some examples to show what I mean. Personal: ‘I don’t like your approach’; cultural: ‘Your style doesn’t fit here’; contextual: ‘Your way of doing things isn’t what’s needed here and now.’

There are all kinds of factors like these that can make a relationship feel difficult. If we’ve had a difficult encounter with a person before, or even someone this person reminds us of, the power of imagination can go wild. Stop for a moment. Imagine approaching a real person that you find very difficult to work with…as if about to enter the room. What stories are you telling yourself, albeit subconsciously, about yourself, the other person, the situation, God? How are they impacting you?

Our beliefs influence how we feel. What we believe and how we feel influence how we behave. What we feel and how we behave influence how the other person experiences us. We may make all sorts of assumptions about the other person, inferring intentions from their actions that may or may not be true. What we believe to be true is ‘true’ – for us. This should cause us to pause and reflect. What assumptions are we making? What may we be inadvertently evoking in the other person?

Curiosity can be a great bridge builder, especially if exercised with openness, courage and humility. If you encounter a ‘difficult’ person and relationship, try offering an observation first, invite feedback then explore goals and values. Observation: ‘I’m aware that we seem a bit stuck. What are you noticing?’ Goals: ‘A great outcome for me would be X. What would be a great outcome for you?’ Values: ‘What’s important to me in this is Y. What’s most important to you?’ What do you think?

178 Comments

Pete Mosley

20/10/2016 07:10:50 pm

Another great post, Nick. The point about curiosity is spot on. Thank you.

Nick Wright

20/10/2016 07:12:09 pm

Thanks for such affirming feedback, Pete. I've noticed in my own experience how hard it is, if not impossible, to be both curious and defensive at the same time!

Lilin

20/10/2016 08:06:09 pm

Very insightful Nick. Failing all of the above... adopting a 'whatever' attitude helps too😉😁😉

Nick Wright

20/10/2016 08:55:22 pm

Funny you should say that, Lilin. At the last place where I worked, one of my colleagues commented that I should have 'Whatever' printed on the back of my t-shirt! :)

Lilin

21/10/2016 05:54:54 pm

😀😀😀

Marie Smith, CPCC (Coach), FCIPD, NLP, MBTI, SDI

20/10/2016 08:52:02 pm

Being non-judgemental is always a useful approach when dealing with conflict or confrontation.

Nick Wright

20/10/2016 08:52:39 pm

I agree, Marie - as far as we are able to.

Bob Larcher

20/10/2016 08:53:16 pm

Hand on heart, I honestly believe that there is no such person as a "difficult trainee".

Nick Wright

20/10/2016 08:54:00 pm

Hi Bob. Do you believe in the possibility of a difficult relationship?

Bob Larcher

21/10/2016 10:15:21 am

Unfortunately, I have yet to become either a Jedi or Yen master, "a relationship it is".

Yes, I have difficult relationships; there are people with who it seems "to work" effortlessly and others where it is really hard. Maybe the question should be, 'is the relationship difficult" or is the "person difficult".

I sometimes run a session with groups entitled “dealing with difficult people”; I use a model based around “extreme types” (Tanks, Snipers, Grenades, etc.). Having asked participants to come up with ideas of dealing with each type“, I usually finish with, “so, after all that, who you are you difficult for?”

Nick Wright

21/10/2016 10:23:51 am

Hi Bob. You made me smile. Yes, I think that differentiating between 'is the relationship difficult' and 'is the person difficult' can be very useful. It enables us to reframe a situation and open up fresh possibilities for action. I'd love to hear more about your 'Tanks, Snipers, Grenades' model and how you use it!

I ran a workshop this week called, 'Dealing with Difficult People' (the title was deliberately provocative). At the start, I asked everyone to write down the name - confidentially - of one person they find really difficult. After some reflection on what they find difficult and why, I asked them to turn over the paper and write a list of people who may have written their name on the first side.

It caused some laughter in the group but also opened up the possibility that 'difficult' is a way of construing a person, a relationship, a situation rather than something 'objective' or fixed.

Bob Larcher

21/10/2016 11:16:22 am

The model is based on the book "Dealing With People You Can’t Stand" by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner.

If you Google (or other) "Ten Types of Difficult People" you'll find some descriptions of the 10 types.

Nick Wright

21/10/2016 11:16:56 am

Thanks Bob. What a great book title! :)

Kevin C. Eagan

21/10/2016 10:03:09 am

As an instructor at AT&T, I learned very quickly that difficult participants may be more of a challenge to deal with however, you don't learn or grow from the easy classes. Difficult participants challenge you to develop new skills in classroom management and coaching so that they remain engaged and learn the content of the course. A hard line approach may be the easier path but doing the difficult work of getting to the root of the problem can put them and the class on a positive trajectory.

Nick Wright

21/10/2016 10:04:47 am

Hi Kevin. Yes, grappling with whatever is evoking behaviour that we or the group find difficult can prove transformative in the training room.

Kevin Hutchinson

21/10/2016 10:05:33 am

It's always good to look at why they are difficult. Find out what is making the people do what they are doing. If they are negative then get them to look at the positive in what you are trying to do for them. positivity breads positivity!

Nick Wright

21/10/2016 10:06:38 am

I agree, Kevin, that positivity can breed positivity. It can also breed resistance and cynicism if people feel unheard. I think that's why your 'why' question is so important.

Anna-Mari Siekkeli

21/10/2016 10:07:57 am

What we believe to be true is ‘true’. We make all sorts of assumptions and they influence how we behave. So true. When me manage to increase curiosity, openness and open-minded observation, there are not so many difficult people any more ..

Nick Wright

21/10/2016 10:10:06 am

Thanks Anna-Mari. Yes, and sometimes a spirit of openness and curiosity enables us to observe what a certain behaviour triggers in us - and how we can handle it differently.

Janice Tollini

21/10/2016 10:11:45 am

I recently attended a presentation by Debra Flick (sponsored by the OD Network Greater Denver Region) about mindfulness in leadership. She spoke of 'conscious communication' in understanding interactions. A part of that involves asking what needs are not being met and what is really being asked for. I think that keeping those questions in mind regarding the difficult person can be useful in understanding their point of view, and perhaps creating a collaborative rather than potentially adversarial situation.

Nick Wright

21/10/2016 10:13:44 am

Thanks Janice. That resonates with principles from Gestalt psychology too. Paying attention to needs (e.g. to feel safe, to feel heard, to feel included) can make a very significant difference to group dynamics. It links with underlying goals and values too.

Janice Tollini

21/10/2016 05:06:05 pm

I saw it as mirroring Dialectical Behavior Therapy initially (being aware of both thoughts AND emotions, clarifying needs and communication), but I can see the Gestalt piece as well. I appreciate the commonalities across disciplines.

Nick Wright

21/10/2016 05:06:58 pm

Hi Janice. I've never heard of Dialectial Behaviour Therapy. We live and learn!

Melanie Bowker

21/10/2016 11:14:52 am

Thanks Nick. This is very helpful and great timing.

Nick Wright

21/10/2016 11:15:19 am

Thanks Melanie. That's good to hear...I think?!

Allison Dolan

21/10/2016 01:24:19 pm

Good way to approach things when others are difficult in a 'normal' way; sometimes, however, people are difficult in a pathological way. And it isn't always easy to discern the difference.

Nick Wright

21/10/2016 01:27:05 pm

I think that's a wise insight, Allison. Do you have any examples of pathologically difficult people you could share (...without naming names, of course!)?

Allison Dolan

22/10/2016 09:20:29 pm

One of the major party candidates in the current US presidential race comes to mind...

Nick Wright

22/10/2016 09:21:05 pm

Hi Alison. I would be intrigued to know which one..! ;)

Allison Dolan

23/10/2016 12:54:14 pm

When the election is over, and, assuming he doesn't win, he should foster a number of different case studies!

Nick Wright

23/10/2016 12:55:14 pm

This is the country that voted George Bush Jr in more than once..?! ;)

Aremin Hacobian

21/10/2016 05:07:55 pm

Nick, the "curiosity" advice is spot on! How do we build awareness of our own biases and the impact they have on how we evaluate a situation and also influence others and their impressions/action? I try to use 3 guiding principles in my own work, at all times. First, approach each situation with curiosity, inquisitiveness and an appreciation for what is possible. Second, be aware of your own cultural beliefs and assumptions relative to the audience. Third, create an environment that recognizes diversity and unleashes it full potential.

Nick Wright

21/10/2016 05:09:19 pm

Thanks Aremin. Those sound like great principles to me!

Tara Parker

21/10/2016 05:10:51 pm

Interesting timing with your post, Nick; I was just asked how I "deal" with difficult personalities in the workplace. I thought for a moment and offered that I don't "deal" with anyone. I learn about them through observation and engaging in conversation with them and then determine the response that is best fits. You mentioned engaging in dialogue with clients and developing, essentially, a verbal agreement. I think that is great advice and should be kept in mind throughout the duration of the coaching relationship, not just at the beginning. As development occurs, there is a change to individuals approach, response and reaction making it important to keep communicating with our clients maintaining the focus of the relationship. Expectations and goals may only adjust a bit the person is likely changing a great deal - all the more reason to keep communicating.

Always enjoy your posts, Nick! Keep sharing with us!

Nick Wright

21/10/2016 05:14:44 pm

Thanks Tara! :) Sounds like 'deal with' holds connotations for you. I agree with you wholeheartedly that remaining open in communication is so important and...in my experience...sometimes challenging if we find the relationship difficult. It's so easy to develop a fixed view of a person and to relate to them from that fixed perspective...rather than allowing them, and us, and the relationship to move with fluidity over time.

Daniela Vellini

21/10/2016 05:15:51 pm

Top-notch in my sessions, very well written, I'd be very pleased to share it with public!

Nick Wright

21/10/2016 05:16:39 pm

Thanks Daniela. Feel free to share. Let me know if you receive any feedback!

Andy Scantland

21/10/2016 05:17:35 pm

Well said, Nick. This is a critical asks common issue for folks- how many interesting people do we avoid because 'we don't get along'?
the curiosity idea us a great one. when we approach ideas with curiosity, we tend to drop our judgment and can be so much more open to different perspectives (imagine actually learning something from someone we don't like- crazy!).
I also like to look at this from a hierarchy of needs- in interactions, we are generally.

Nick Wright

21/10/2016 05:19:03 pm

Thanks Andy. You know the expression, 'Curiosity killed the cat'? Conversely, it's often curiosity that revives broken relationships.

Marta Dana

21/10/2016 05:20:36 pm

I found some nice ideas and technique of challenging your assumptions in a Vital Smart training "Crucial Conversations". One of the activities they suggest to use in the training is very much alike with the one you described, Nick.

Nick Wright

21/10/2016 05:21:26 pm

Thanks Dana. That's good to hear. What other ideas or techniques have you found particularly useful?

Sarah Tan

21/10/2016 05:48:17 pm

1. I discuss their expectations of the training
2. I share the benefits of what they learn

Nick Wright

21/10/2016 05:49:01 pm

Hi Sarah. Can you say a bit more about 'share the benefits'?

Mark Brown

21/10/2016 05:50:02 pm

I know it's been said before but I'll say it anyway :-)
"No such thing as a difficult trainee, only inflexible trainers....."
I think this is pretty much the gist of what every is saying above.
Behavioural flexibility is the key!

Nick Wright

21/10/2016 05:52:37 pm

Hi Mark. Yes, it's a kind of truism in the training world. If we were to be curious and provocative for a moment, would we say the same about other 'qualities', e.g. there is no such thing as an enthusiastic trainee, an engaged trainee, a bright trainee etc?

Mark Brown

21/10/2016 07:11:50 pm

Hi Nick - I think there absolutely such a thing as 'an enthusiastic trainee' and every other emotional and behavioural state we can think of!! I think what we are all saying here is that is is the trainers job to be flexible and responsive in managing their own state so that they can create an environment and a desire for the trainee to enter into an appropriate state for learning to take place. I guess that's how you deal with difficult trainees :-)

Nick Wright

21/10/2016 07:12:43 pm

Well said, Mark. :)

Annette Segal

21/10/2016 07:10:18 pm

Thanks for sharing this!

Nick Wright

21/10/2016 07:10:49 pm

You're welcome, Annette!

Ameet Mattoo

22/10/2016 10:43:43 am

It has been said before, but i still want to say it - "There are no difficult trainees, just some who need more nurturing than others."
As trainers and facilitators, if we approach our participants from a stand of empathy and try and relate to their struggle - and see that it is this struggle which is manifesting as "being difficult" only then can we be helpful.

Nick Wright

22/10/2016 10:50:14 am

Hi Ameet. I empathise with your stance on this. I don't believe, however, that it's always about something about the trainee, e.g. a need for nurturing, a struggle. Sometimes it's about the trainer's unmet needs...or something the trainee triggers in the trainer or the group...or something about the wider culture or system (e.g. mandatory training, whether trainees believe they need it or not). 'What is really going on here?' could be a different way of approaching it. You may find this short related piece interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/what-is-really-going-on-here.html

Ameet Mattoo

22/10/2016 09:12:20 pm

Hi Nick, Oh absolutely! I can't agree more. It does eventually boils down to the awareness of the trainer of his/her internal processes. And the way a person is behaving is a function of too many other factors (I call them multiple realities).
Having an empathetic approach towards the participant, enables the facilitator to be able to look beyond his/her own processes and then uncover all these multiple realities.
You may want read more about Multiple Realities: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/multiple-realities-impact-change-initiatives-ameet-mattoo

Nick Wright

22/10/2016 09:14:12 pm

Thanks Ameet - and for sharing a link to such an interesting blog!

Chris Pearse

22/10/2016 10:51:54 am

Nick - what your post tells me is that no one is difficult or easy - it can only be the relationship that is qualitative. We only experience others in relationship so to brand anyone else as anything (any adjective) has no sense - nonsense. And by extension of that fact, dealing with a difficult relationship means dealing with yourself as much the other person. In fact you could argue that your only experience of another is through your own personal thoughts and feelings - your responsibility, not theirs.

Nick Wright

22/10/2016 10:56:43 am

Thanks Chris. I think you expressed that well. I have, however, observed occasions where someone has been widely regarded as 'difficult', that is, by most people in a team or organisation. As well as trying to understand what is going on for the individual and their interpersonal relationships, that kind of situation makes me wonder e.g. what the person is expressing or manifesting that the organisation is suppressing or not paying attention to, or what that reveals about the wider culture or context.

Richard Sinton

22/10/2016 08:54:33 pm

Are they difficult students because the ability of the trainer cannot manage them? Are they our best opportunities to advance our competence in the training environment?

Nick Wright

22/10/2016 08:56:23 pm

Hi Richard. Yes, sometimes a person or group of people can test and stretch our capabilities. If that feels unwelcome or too uncomfortable, we may regard them as difficult.

Denise Valk Faisst

22/10/2016 08:57:52 pm

For me as a coach, there are no difficult clients. I see clients as people that are willing to work on them self or they are not willing to work on them self. The clients that are not ready yet to be coach will be the one that are not willing to take ownership of their behavior and there is were they refuse to do anything different. I do express to clients that they came to me, voluntary, to work on having a positive life experience. I am her to support , coach them in their new journey. I love what I do and I want to keep loving what I do so I do not have time for wasting any ones time. They choose to work with me or we go our separate ways. Either way is fine with me.

Nick Wright

22/10/2016 09:02:50 pm

Hi Denise. Sounds like you avoid difficulty in client relationships by allowing potential clients the freedom to work with you - or not. I'm curious. What if a client chooses to work with you but you find their attitude or behaviour difficult to handle?

Denise Valk Faisst

23/10/2016 01:11:12 pm

In some cases clients think they choose what they want but don't want to commit to it. Only having the desire to work with someone will not get you the behavior you want because it is not about me it is about the client and they have to do the work. Attitude and behavior issues could be signs that they maybe are not ready yet to work on them self. In that case I would recommend them to come back when ready. I can't help clients that are not ready to help them self.

Ruth Hazel Katz

22/10/2016 09:03:35 pm

Denise, I agree with what you have said !

David Noer

22/10/2016 09:04:56 pm

Nick, I don’t know if you saw the last U.S. Presidential debate in the UK, but if you did you observed an excellent example of how to deal with a difficult person. Hillary refused to get hooked when insulted, stayed on script, and used “I” statements. Sometimes plain speaking is better than therapeutic concepts and Mark Twain’s famous, “Don’t wrestle with pigs. They get happy and you get dirty,” is great advice.

Nick Wright

22/10/2016 09:08:17 pm

Hi David. I saw glimpses of the debate. Interesting that you should contrast plain speaking with therapeutic concepts. Can you say a bit more about that? Mark Twain's words remind me of Jesus' similar words: 'Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.'

David Noer

23/10/2016 12:56:38 pm

Nick, my experience as both a coach and, in a previous live as a therapist, is that we sometimes get so bound up in technique, protocol, and professional boundaries that we fail to use clear, straight talk and lose both authenticity and the power of telling our truth

Nick Wright

23/10/2016 12:59:51 pm

I have seen and experienced that too, David. It raises important questions around e.g. intention, focus of attention and integrity.

Fran Reddick

22/10/2016 09:10:07 pm

I go back to they old KWL-what do you know, what do you want to learn? That method is great for focusing in on what we are about to do, especially when you are getting some hostility.

Nick Wright

22/10/2016 09:11:28 pm

Hi Fran. I would use similar questions as a way of exploring and reaching (where possible) clarity and agreement, e.g. 'What are we here to do?', 'What would make this worthwhile.', 'How shall we do this?'

Helena Clayton

22/10/2016 09:15:42 pm

Thanks for this, Nick. And while I realise this is a phrase that won't always be valid, thinking 'a difficult person is a person in difficulty ' really does help me get over myself sometimes, and reminds me to move more towards understanding and compassion.

Nick Wright

22/10/2016 09:18:53 pm

Thanks Helena. Yes, there are resonances in this short article that reframes 'trouble' to 'trouble-d': http://www.nick-wright.com/trouble-d.html Let me know if it strikes a chord?

Malinda Branson

23/10/2016 01:01:01 pm

Choosing to defuse rather than escalate is always the power position. This is well written and I appreciate you posting it.

Nick Wright

23/10/2016 01:02:35 pm

Thanks Malinda. I guess a challenge lays in how to defuse a situation without losing our integrity or becoming, in assertiveness language, passive or aggressive.

Debby Enoe

23/10/2016 01:03:27 pm

I do believe the situation can be on both sides, what are their prejudices about the situation and each other? It is far better to respond to the situation than react to it, far too many trainers react to situation/comments from trainees instead of responding, these can and often does lead to difficult relationships.

Nick Wright

23/10/2016 01:05:43 pm

Hi Debby. Yes, and being able to act in responsive rather than reactive mode often means creating sufficient time and space to prepare ourselves beforehand.

Mark Pereira, MBA, CPT

23/10/2016 01:06:56 pm

I find difficult trainees is an opportunity to help me learn, and to push myself harder to bridge the knowledge gap. I personally try to add demonstrations to even simply emphasizing key points.

Nick Wright

23/10/2016 01:08:59 pm

Hi Mark. It is certainly an opportunity to learn. I find it is often about learning to handle anxiety - in myself and in others in the group.

Koh Thong Joo

23/10/2016 07:20:36 pm

Nowadays, trainees are getting more demanding and vocal. We (trainers) need to ensure that we value add to the session and varies our training approaches to meet the needs of trainees. Build rapport with the difficult people, take to them separately and seek inputs from them how to make the session useful for them.

Nick Wright

23/10/2016 07:21:27 pm

Hi Koh. Yes, it's often about building rapport, credibility and trust.

Linda Randazzo

23/10/2016 07:22:10 pm

Great conversation!
I distinctly remember a class I was asked to give for operations employees to give them tools to become more sales minded. I know, your probably thinking that is the recipe of the ultimate polarizing environment!

"If I wanted to be in sales, I would have applied for sales!".......

As they settled into class, you could see the arms crossed, negative body language was abundant.

Realizing the challenge, before class, I made a good effort to find out why this was being done by the organization ahead of the training. I also decided that I would recognize and speak to the elephant in the room at the beginning of class. Asked for a show of hands of who didn't want to be there. All hands went up. Not surprising. Long story short, I took their tendency and skills to be detailed minded and showed them how much the bank and sales people needed these skills through actual mock exercises. At the end of class, they were wondering how the bank did without their skills prior to this initiative. Doesn't always end up as a success story when we are faced with these challenging situations but it really can help to know your audience and why they are being trained ahead of time.

Nick Wright

23/10/2016 07:24:38 pm

Thanks Linda. What a great example of doing your research, connecting with the people in the room and facing their concerns honestly.

Elizabeth Whiddett

24/10/2016 09:47:56 am

Enjoyed Linda's experience;asking who does not want to be there... you have given their body language voice so you can now move on.

Erik Eisel, PhD

23/10/2016 07:25:55 pm

There is an entire range to "difficulty." At the lower end of the scale, all that is required is to lower anxiety. A little higher up the scale, it might be necessary to have a private conversation with the trainee, away from the group, which starts off with the words, "it seems we've gotten off on the wrong foot..." A little higher up the scale, we have to learn how to deal with someone who is combative, and makes it her goal to disrupt the entire class. In all of these cases, there are strategies, which can be deployed. But, let's be honest, sometimes one just has to call Security! :-(

Nick Wright

23/10/2016 07:26:40 pm

Good points, well made, Erik!

James Ddungu,M.Ed.

23/10/2016 07:27:41 pm

As trainer it is important to pay attention to all the verbal and non verbal queues from the start of the class. Trainee introductions for example provide a lot of information about potential "hecklers". Understanding your trainees will determine the intervention, either you use the positivity approach, one one discussion and or even "calling security ".

Nick Wright

23/10/2016 07:28:35 pm

Hi James. Yes, I think it's something about being really present to the group and to the people in it.

Paul Shelton

24/10/2016 09:41:11 am

In my experience the problem of difficult trainees can be the fault of whoever is sending them, wrong level, inappropriate preparation, wrong reason for sending them even?

Nick Wright

24/10/2016 09:43:17 am

Hi Paul. The most 'difficult' training experience I've had was many years ago with a group of people who had been forced to take part. I was very inexperienced at the time and, mistakenly, tried to press ahead with the training rather than address the group dynamic.

Ian Henderson

24/10/2016 09:44:11 am

An insightful article as ever Nick. When we train our delegates in this area we always have them think about what it is that makes a person 'difficult'. Sometimes I ask them for the names of the people that they themselves are the difficult person! Strangely a lot of people struggle with that one!!

Nick Wright

24/10/2016 09:45:03 am

Thanks Ian. I borrowed your technique at a training workshop last week and it evoked a lot of nervous laughter in the room!

Ian Henderson

24/10/2016 04:28:04 pm

That's the only laughter I get!!!!!

Nick Wright

24/10/2016 04:28:30 pm

:) :) :)

Tim Dodd

24/10/2016 09:46:21 am

I love posts like this with practical tools I can start using tomorrow!

Nick Wright

24/10/2016 09:46:51 am

Thanks Tim!

Steven Ellis

24/10/2016 11:12:51 am

From my experience the "difficult trainee" often has a underlying issue for being in this frame of mind. This individual can become the most engaged of delegates. But you have to notice them, talk to them, understand them and there point of view. We often have tight schedules and may find it easier to ignore them, this can be a critical error and lead to an escalation as the session progresses. So go on take that step towards them. You may be surprised at the outcome.

Nick Wright

24/10/2016 11:14:56 am

Hi Steven. I really like the way you expressed that: 'take that step towards them'. It can make such a difference. A corresponding point is to ensure that we don't give the person so much attention that the rest of the group feels neglected - or that the rest of the group starts to act out similar behaviours in order to receive similar attention!

Mary Beth Wilkerson

24/10/2016 04:17:27 pm

Love the questions you pose at the end and can definitely see using these. I immediately had a difficult person I used to work with and if I had used these curiosity questions in my interactions my outcomes could have been much more successful! Thank you.

Nick Wright

24/10/2016 04:18:10 pm

Thanks Mary. I appreciate your feedback! :)

Tim Oakleaf

24/10/2016 04:22:28 pm

This is the area of my greatest need as it is my least experience. I embrace the commentary and am looking for more detailed resources if anyone has suggestions on web sites or readings or webinars on this topic.

My previous experience has all been with motivated and cooperative learners who responded positively to my efforts to love, appreciate, and facilitate. My "difficult" experience has only been recently. Yes, I am a bit spoiled in this regard!

I need a tool belt full of the best options. Thanks for getting me started!

Nick Wright

24/10/2016 04:26:13 pm

Thanks for such an open and honest response, Tim. You may find these related blogs and some of the comments under them useful? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/hope-and-a-future; http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/how-can-we-experience-the-same-thing-so-differently

Joe Tassinari

24/10/2016 08:07:56 pm

Love how "inclusion" (both parties sharing) breeds connectivity :-)

Nick Wright

24/10/2016 08:08:57 pm

Thanks Joe. Yes, that's one of the values and benefits of co-active working.

Jay Barrett

24/10/2016 08:09:51 pm

This is assuming the person is rational and is receptive to your communication at some level. These assumptions may not be true, and one has to admit that any type of typical interaction may not be possible.

Nick Wright

24/10/2016 08:11:35 pm

I agree, Jay. The converse is also sometimes true: that we assume the person is irrational and not receptive to our communication. I assume the person is rational and reach-able unless I have good reason to believe otherwise.

Paul Cooper MCGI

24/10/2016 08:12:51 pm

The route to dealing this is simply communication. However, for some people, being the one to initiate and confront the problem can be overwhelming and beyond their comfort zone. Collaborative working isn't 'putting up with what the other wants for a quite life' because actually, YOU still aren't happy. Doing nothing is an option, but ultimately not the best option for either of you or the outcome you or your company may desire.

Nick Wright

24/10/2016 08:14:29 pm

Hi Paul. What you are describing here sounds like the difference between assertive and passive behaviour.

Vasudevan Govender

25/10/2016 08:56:21 am

Hi! One needs to Identify the type of "difficult" trainee and address the issue appropriately! The type referring to:-
# Does he/she think he is too smart for the group or you?
# Is he/she just a "loudmouth" ... seeking attention!
# Is he/she genuinely a smart individually ... making you feel threatened!
Given the 25 years exposure to these types, I found making that particular trainee a leader within the group, eliminates the "difficulty"!

Nick Wright

25/10/2016 08:59:52 am

Hi Vasudevan. The most common causes of 'difficult' behaviour I have encountered in training groups have been participants who have (a) been forced to attend and don't want to be there or (b) felt anxious - e.g. about feeling exposed or inadequate in the group.

Vasudevan Govender

26/10/2016 09:40:14 am

Hi Nick . I have had those types in my group and considered them as "challenges" as opposed to "difficult"! One on One sessions using Cognitive Empowerment strategy as worked wonders!

Nick Wright

26/10/2016 09:42:12 am

Hi Vasudevan. Would you be willing to share an example from your experience to illustrate what that would look like in practice?

Bob Foley

25/10/2016 09:01:08 am

I always use the Power of Persuasion in dealing with type AA as their question always is what's in it for me and I make sure the value proposition is part of the training so they understand the comp upside and the further value of supporting each other. Sets up a peer group that extends for the length of their employment.

Nick Wright

25/10/2016 09:01:44 am

Hi Bob. What are the Power of Persuasion and type AA?

David Tomlinson

25/10/2016 09:02:22 am

I was had a challenging delegate, who was confrontational, self opinionated almost to the point of arrogance. At the next break, his boss took me aside and apologised for his being difficult. Nothing to apologise for, I reassured, I not only understood him, I used to BE him. We are all on a journey towards maturity and self awareness, just that some of us are further along than others. Of course, that also includes me!

Nick Wright

25/10/2016 09:03:39 am

Thanks David. I appreciate your honesty. Sounds like you empathise well with 'difficult' people!

David Tomlinson

25/10/2016 11:25:31 am

Thanks Nick. There is a cure for youth, and we take a little of it every day! Few people set out to be difficult, it's just where they are right now in their development. We progress at different rates, from screaming toddler to grumpy teenager, we've all been "difficult", just some of us have got to the point where we can admit it.

Nick Wright

25/10/2016 11:26:10 am

Yep - I can relate to that!

Lisa Evans

25/10/2016 09:04:32 am

Curiosity can be a bridge builder. I really like that phrase Nick.

Nick Wright

25/10/2016 09:05:05 am

Thanks, Lisa!

Marcy Hall

25/10/2016 09:05:38 am

I enjoyed reading this Nick, and excellent last paragraph with the examples. Thank you for sharing!

Nick Wright

25/10/2016 09:06:03 am

Thanks Marcy. You're welcome. :)

Rebecca Turner, Ph.D

25/10/2016 09:07:00 am

This is a good post, and I agree it really works when the person is rational and at least willing to have a dialogue. There are those exceptional times when you deal with someone who truly does not want to solve the puzzle you present but rather wishes to stir things up. That's the toughest one.

Nick Wright

25/10/2016 09:12:09 am

Thanks Rebecca. Yes, I agree. In those cases, I now simply state what I am observing and invite exploration of that. I once had a very difficult relationship with a close colleague. I tried hard to resolve the tensions between us but to no effect. Eventually she confided honestly that she didn't care whether the tensions between us continued or didn't continue. It didn't affect her in the way it was affecting me. It taught me a valuable lesson! I had been wrongly assuming that (a) what I considered to be a healthy working relationship was what she considered too and (b) that the quality of our relationship mattered as much to her as it did to me.

Hans Armknecht

25/10/2016 09:13:24 am

I've found in my experience that helping others and myself with people I find difficult begins, as you say, with curiosity. But curiosity by itself isn't enough to help me transform myself or others. When curiosity does work, it is often because it comes with a change of heart or mindset about the person I am learning about. As well, I am more open to deeply and richly understand the effect I have played in the creation of any difficulties.

Here's a great video that shows some of what goes into such a mindset shift and why we sometimes, unknowingly but yet actively, hold onto our conflicts, unable to ever help things go right.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyhOT3jCcR4

Nick Wright

25/10/2016 09:15:55 am

Hi Hans. I agree that curiosity isn't enough...although it can be a good stance to relate from to shift our psychological, physical and emotional state and to open up new possibilities. Thanks for the link!

John F. Guarrine

25/10/2016 07:54:34 pm

Yes, this is a great way to deal with people, especially when when it is a challenge to do so. I find it most effective to make your observation as OBJECTIVE as possible i.e. what you can take in through your senses devoid of any judgement This is often difficult in the "heat of the battle," and why it can be so helpful, as Nick suggests to stop for a moment and reflect.

Nick Wright

25/10/2016 07:58:11 pm

Thanks John. I try to imagine myself observing the encounter, the conversation, from a detached position, as if standing in a different part of the room. If the situation is particularly difficult, I may call a pause and literally stand in a different place, then comment on what I 'observe' from that place.

Lorin Kierklewski Mask, M.A., CPLP

25/10/2016 07:59:18 pm

I once saw a title of book on a shelf that read: "No One Can Drive You Crazy if You Don't Give Them the Keys."

Nick Wright

25/10/2016 07:59:48 pm

Hi Lorin. What a great book title!

Alan Brown

25/10/2016 08:01:19 pm

Taking interest in another's perspective is a path to walking the yellow brick road, moving toward community, and opening connection to others.

Nick Wright

25/10/2016 08:01:59 pm

Hi Alan. Interesting use of 'yellow brick road'! :)

Gail Page

25/10/2016 08:02:53 pm

So right Nick! It never ceases to amaze me how we can all make assumptions then start acting as if they're true!!

Nick Wright

25/10/2016 08:06:24 pm

Thanks Gail. Yes, the first time I heard mention of this phenomenon was at a seminar by Selwyn Hughes. Commenting on the Biblical account of the Garden of Eden, he said that, 'When Adam and Eve believed Satan's lie, the lie became true for them'. That struck me as very profound. not simply in terms of what happened then but of what happens now.

Dave Johansen

25/10/2016 08:07:14 pm

Nicely written. As a trainer, this is a relevant topic for me. This issue, is a another communication challenge. It ends with understanding and having shared definitions about common concepts. It begins with being continually interested in what the other party perceives and values. The first step in working with another person should be questions for them about what they see as a success. Find out why they are involved. Making questions happen in the beginning, routinely, is very important. It isn't always easy, but it does tend to yield more positive results. Helping others to see the value in this line of thought is also useful. It's the type of development that opens doors and invites opportunity. The term "force multiplier" comes to mind. These lessons come from Covey, Scott, Duhigg, and Sinek. Read their work, use those tools, and see how your world changes for the better. I see it work all the time.

Nick Wright

25/10/2016 08:08:43 pm

I like how you expressed that, Dave: 'being continually interested in what the other party perceives and values.'

Clifford Seaton

25/10/2016 08:09:39 pm

Great topic and advice Nick. Early in my career I was introduced to, "seek to understand." Its a short and sweet way to avoid bias/judgment and find common ground/solutions. To Dave Johnson and Nick's point curiosity bridges the gap through engagement and reading. Thanks

Nick Wright

25/10/2016 08:10:42 pm

Thanks Clifford. 'See to understand' is good advice too. It reminds me of the 'Prayer of St Francis'.

James Graham

25/10/2016 08:11:37 pm

Take them round the back of the water cooler and give them some chin music. Works every time ;-)

Nick Wright

25/10/2016 08:13:07 pm

Hi James. As in 'idle chat' or 'punch on the jaw'? :)

Annie Weir

26/10/2016 09:26:08 am

You are all such lovely people. I, on the other hand, have started writing a book about 'difficult people' I have had on my courses. Yes, I know there are underlying reasons why they are 'difficult' and these can be worked through - but the situations can still be very difficult to deal with. All in a day's work : )

Nick Wright

26/10/2016 09:26:58 am

Hi Annie. 'On the other hand...'?

Gail Page

27/10/2016 06:22:24 am

Hi Annie I'm with Nick on this one!!

If I fall into the trap of thinking that someone is being 'difficult', I ask myself - "So what is it that makes ME think that THEY are 'difficult'?

I have ALWAYS found it's because there is something in me that is at odds with the other person's attitude, behaviours, values, beliefs, communication style or opinions.

It's a useful exercise for me to go through and reminds me that whenever I try to point the finger at someone else ... there are always 3 other fingers pointing straight back at me!!

Just my 10 cents worth and a different take on things :-)

Katrina Dowgird

26/10/2016 09:28:00 am

I like your curiosity approach Nick. It is always fascinating to see where you end up if you suspend judgements. Thank you for this article.

Nick Wright

26/10/2016 09:30:24 am

Thanks Katrina - you're welcome...and I agree. I find it harder to suspend judgement when I experience someone persistently as 'difficult'. In that case, I need to prepare myself beforehand so that I can handle the person, the situation, in the way I choose.

Lewis Stephens

26/10/2016 09:30:55 am

Good topic and have found Clifford's comment about seek first to understand actually goes a long way to bridge communication impasses.

Nick Wright

26/10/2016 09:32:07 am

Thanks Lewis. In my experience, that includes seeking to understand ourselves too!

Shannon Richards-Green

26/10/2016 09:33:42 am

Thanks Nick, a thought provoking article.

Nick Wright

26/10/2016 09:34:25 am

Thanks for the feedback, Shannon. :)

John Beecher MStJ, MA.

26/10/2016 09:36:38 am

The question is, are you there to teach or disciplin? If it’s the former, you probably need to identify what are the difficulties. Often, students who display an attitude that represents deviance is responding to a previous experience or a lack of confidence. By developing a rapport that values the learner, applying a humanist approach reduces perceived threats and contributes to the creation of an appropriate learning environment. Berne’s work on Transactional Analysis and Krathwohl protestations on Affective Behaviours are good starting points to develop the tutors understanding of such complexities. And remember, when the student is ready, the tutor appears.

Nick Wright

26/10/2016 09:37:44 am

Well said, John. Your final comment reminded me of Kevin Costner in 'Field of Dreams'!

Jamie Beaumont

26/10/2016 08:10:37 pm

Great points and I'll add that ultimately it's my training and I decided when it's time for someone to leave the group. Which Is a call I'm happy to make for the greater good.

Nick Wright

26/10/2016 08:11:11 pm

Hi Jamie. Good that you keep the needs of the wider group in view.

Barbara Foschi

26/10/2016 08:12:06 pm

I propose a "active listening" appoach, to open mental cages.

Nick Wright

26/10/2016 08:12:54 pm

Hi Barbara. 'To open mental cages' is a very evocative image!

Peter Siegl

27/10/2016 06:23:36 am

I set clear rules of engagement at the start of the session by requesting that all participants can raise issue but must "Come with good intent". I also ensure their expectations of the course can be achieved. I have managed difficult students by validating their point of view. In most case they just want to be heard and in their way they feel they are contributing. Ultimately if it continues and becomes disruptive then I agree with Jamie on asking them to leave for the benefit of the group.

Nick Wright

27/10/2016 06:25:44 am

Hi Peter. Setting clear rules of engagement can help, assuming participants are willing to abide by them. An alternative approach can be to co-create agreements with participants from the outset - to contract with them, e.g. 'What do we need from ourselves and each other to make this worthwhile for us?', 'What are we willing to commit to to make this work?'

Tendai Kufa (EMBA,BA,DipTM,DipAEd MIPMZ)

27/10/2016 07:20:41 pm

Toxic people are common in most organisations.

Nick Wright

27/10/2016 07:21:56 pm

Hi Tendai. In your view, what constitutes 'toxic'?

Tendai Kufa (EMBA,BA,DipTM,DipAEd MIPMZ)

28/10/2016 10:18:45 am

Toxicity is mainly negative perception of colleagues and the environment in which one works in . It can result in having aggressive behaviors towards peers, colleagues or even customers. It very dysfunctional.

Nick Wright

28/10/2016 10:20:12 am

Thanks Tendai. I have occasionally encountered people in organisations who display those characteristics. How do you deal with them?

Tendai Kufa (EMBA,BA,DipTM,DipAEd MIPMZ)

29/10/2016 09:11:15 am

There is no one solution to the problem, that is why it is important to ensure that your hiring is right. You can use multiple instruments including psychometric tests, behavioral based interviews to ensure your candidate have both person and organization fitness. If the drag net failures, cross culture training, coaching and leadership development can be useful. Counseling or managing them out but ensure compliance with legal requirements of your organisation.

Sue Ebanks

28/10/2016 10:22:09 am

The title alone "Difficult" strikes a chord of "Negative thinking" it's a great article Nick, thank you for sharing. I am a great believer in Person Centred Approaches, and you get a sense of that where the words " What's Important To You/Me". A Person Centred Approach encourages positivity, where individuals have the opportunity to explain 'Why it is Important TO them, and in addition, Why it's important FOR them. e.g. Its important to me to see my Grandchildren. Its important for me because it gives me a sense of contentment, well-being and energy.

I would add another word to "Openess; Curiosity; Humility" - The word is-CONFIDENCE.. without the Confidence to engage you would never get to the point where you can be Open; Curious and Humerous.

The concept of what makes for a difficult encouter/relationship may also habe something to do with: Experiences, and not just about cultural or contextual behaviour. What a person experiences from an engagement - How that engagement impacts on both you and the individual: How you feel; what are you thinking now as a result of the behaviours?

Excellent prompts Nick- To invite feedback that explores the: Observations; Goals and Values. superb, positive advicecthat can be adapted to any engagement Personal and Professional. Will definatley put this into action. K.R Sue

Nick Wright

28/10/2016 10:24:39 am

Thanks for your encouraging feedback, Sue. Yes, confidence - and a positive motive to engage - are important factors too.

Paul Craven

28/10/2016 10:26:12 am

Dealing with difficult people can be..... well, difficult. It's dealing with difficult people in front of others that is the real task here. The respect of the rest of the group depends on your attitude, so you need to get it right! Fully agree with the above - but add the rider : never, ever get angry or cross with, or upstage your difficult delegate.

Nick Wright

28/10/2016 10:28:25 am

Yes, Paul...it can be difficult. Contracting with the group from the outset about how we...rather than just I...will behave and work together can be a powerful approach.

Gail Page

28/10/2016 10:29:49 am

I'd love the group's thoughts on the following. Was this delegate difficult?

At a Communications workshop I was running a delegate became upset and exited the room. I checked to see that he was okay and when I returned, one of the other delegates was sitting on my stool - with a wide grin on his face.

I smiled back at him, went and sat in his seat and told him the name of the next exercise. He promptly asked for his seat back and I carried on as if nothing had happened.

Was he a difficult person? Not in my eyes. All I saw was someone that had a need to be seen and heard and thought that this was a good way to have his needs met.

He thanked me later for not making him look like a "dick". I told him he had done a great job of that all by himself!!

Being able to recognise that it's usually nothing personal and that it's the other person's stuff has stood me in good stead for almost 18 years of being in business.

So what would you have done?

Nick Wright

28/10/2016 10:35:10 am

Hi Gail. Great example. Sounds like you handled the situation in an open (and playful) rather than defended spirit which, in my experience, makes all the difference to the relationship and outcome.

Given that it was a Communications workshop, when you swapped seats I would have been tempted to pose a question such as, 'What are we communicating to each other and to the wider group by what we are doing - here and now?'

James Ashmore

29/10/2016 09:09:09 am

All clients are difficult, because all clients are human beings. Thats why they need us.

Nick Wright

29/10/2016 09:09:55 am

Hi James. All clients are difficult, or all clients experience difficulties, or both?

James Henman, Ph.D.

1/11/2016 11:05:56 am

Over the years I find that some of my best growth personally and professionally has come from clients that I initially thought of as difficult. The key is embracing the free information that comes with this awareness and allowing it to enrich the clinical/coaching relationship.

Nick Wright

1/11/2016 11:06:51 am

Hi James. That has often been my experience too...although sometimes excruciatingly painful at the time!

Linda Szetoo

1/11/2016 11:12:01 am

As a coach we learn that we want to approach a person(s) and/or situation(s) with open mind and non judgement. We do get stuck from time to time with our values, thoughts and desires, however as long as we use a mirror on ourselves and find what is coming up for ourselves we can handle difficulty more easily.

Nick Wright

1/11/2016 11:14:24 am

Thanks Linda. I agree. Sometimes the person we find difficult becomes the mirror for us that enables us to see ourselves more clearly.

Sue Cussons MBACP

23/11/2016 01:25:47 pm

Thanks for posting this.

Nick Wright

23/11/2016 01:26:26 pm

You're welcome, Sue.

Vicki Hall

25/11/2016 10:45:08 pm

I agree with your idea that curiosity about the differences between ourselves and the client can bring some enlightenment to the relationship. Exploration of our shadowside is always a tough call even for us therapists so great sensitivity and empathy is needed when embarking on these I-Thou interventions.

Nick Wright

25/11/2016 10:46:53 pm

Hi Vicki. Well said.

Gaelle Watson

22/12/2016 10:24:32 am

Very true, We call people difficult when they make us feel uncomfortable or even bad but often personality skills and background are different BUT complementary.

Nick Wright

22/12/2016 10:26:24 am

Hi Gaelle. Yes, there is a world of difference between an objective, 'You are difficult' and a subjective, 'I find X behaviour difficult to handle.'

Gaelle Watson

22/12/2016 11:48:26 am

I have actually learnt that my best results are very often when I work with people i initially found difficult: They see things differently, work differently and challenge me out of my comfort zone!

Nick Wright

22/12/2016 11:49:41 am

Hi Gaelle. That is often true for me too...although I sometimes have to get myself into the right mental, emotional and spiritual place first!

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