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Dissonance

29/3/2021

14 Comments

 
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Dissonance: a deep feeling of tension, disquiet or discomfort if we find ourselves conflicted. It’s most common if there’s a significant gap between what we tell ourselves we believe and what we actually do; or if we feel caught between competing alternatives; or if we have invested significant effort, time and resources into something that now feels wasted.

Here are some examples to illustrate this phenomenon: ‘My boss insists I work long hours if I want to keep my job, yet I believe spending time with my family is most important’; ‘I can see the relative pros and cons of two different job offers, yet I can’t decide which to choose’; ‘I’ve spent the last 5 years working very hard in my job, yet it hasn’t done anything to advance my career.’

If the dissonance feels strong enough, we will usually try to find ways to reduce, resolve or reconcile ourselves to it. We may do this, in the first example, by trying to change something in the situation itself, e.g. by seeking to negotiate a different number or pattern of hours or, if this isn’t possible, by justifying it, e.g. by reassuring ourselves that the long hours of work will benefit the family.

In the second example, we may try to reach a decision by shifting the balance, e.g. by seeking to emphasise, to ourselves, the attractive qualities of one alternative and minimise its downsides or, correspondingly, to focus on the costs of the other option and underplay its benefits. It’s a subconscious mental manoeuvre that aims to tip the scales and break the deadlock.

In the third example, which concerns a past decision and actions that cannot now be changed, we may find ways to post-rationalise it, e.g. by seeking to redefine the outcome as having in some way benefitted our career after all, or by reframing the experience and focusing on other benefits that, although not directly career-advancing, nevertheless make the investment feel worthwhile.

These types of psychological strategies can bring positive mental health benefits such as peace of mind, especially in situations that feel stressful and unresolvable. At the same time, they run risks of avoidance of personal responsibility; diminished sense of agency; defensive behaviour; or failure to pursue more radical options that could create a better, more life-giving and sustainable future.

When have you seen or experienced dissonance, and how do you address it?
14 Comments
Sharon King link
30/3/2021 04:18:50 pm

This dissonance is what I am going through in a personal capacity at the moment. Quite a confusing place to be and also quite unnerving.

Reply
Nick Wright
31/3/2021 10:47:25 am

Hi Sharon and thank you for sharing so honestly from personal experience. 'Confusing' and 'unnerving' are great descriptors of how dissonance can feel. If I can do anything to support you as you work through this experience, do get in touch.

Reply
Richard Simpson
30/3/2021 06:06:41 pm

Before I discovered dissonance as a term, I think I spent most of my teenage years and early 20s feeling it as a response to the world, Nick. I realised that my responses - withdrawal, alcohol, a search for meaning - were leading me further and further away from the world I was experiencing. I took a conscious decision to embrace dissonance (though framed it differently at the time) and engage with the world in all its weirdness and hostility (or at least that's how I saw it). I still experience dissonance (quite a lot at the moment) and fantasize about escaping it, but I know in my heart of hearts that the best response to challenging times is to meet the challenge and not run from it.

Reply
Nick Wright
31/3/2021 11:22:53 am

Hi Richard. Thank you for sharing such stimulating insights and experiences.

You reminded me of an interesting conversation I had with a psychotherapist who regarded dissonance as an internal conflict that needs to be resolved at an intrapersonal psychological level. I challenged this, arguing that sometimes dissonance is an indicator of broader environmental factors that need to be addressed e.g. socially or politically (see: Deviant: https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/deviant)

I was also speaking this week with a friend about resonances between dissonance as a psychological, and sometimes cultural, phenomenon and what Paul describes in the New Testament (in the Bible) in Romans 7 and 8 as a spiritual phenomenon. In either case, the healthiest solution is 'to meet the challenge and not run from it', although I can well understand the fantasy and desire to escape from it!

Reply
Jenny Rayner
31/3/2021 08:54:23 pm

So is it dissonance that I experience when I affirm my daughter's sexuality which goes against all I've been taught as an evangelical Christian? Have I compromised my faith? Is compromise always wrong? Should I continue to support organisations that are anti-abortion ( which I agree with) but also anti-gay (which I cannot now subscribe to)?

Reply
Nick Wright
1/4/2021 01:00:14 pm

Hi Jenny. Thank you for sharing such an honest response from personal experience. Thank you too for posing such great questions!

My sense is that you may well experience dissonance if you were to hold certain theological beliefs as important and true on the one hand, yet to act pastorally (e.g. in relation to your daughter) in a way that feels - to you - fundamentally contradictory to those beliefs.

Similarly, in relation to the questions you posed, if you were to believe that compromising your faith is fundamentally wrong, and to believe that to accept your daughter's sexuality would be to compromise your faith, and still to accept your daughter's sexuality, you may well experience dissonance.

You may experience dissonance, too, if to belong to a church that holds certain theological beliefs to be important and true, that to belong to that church feels important to you, and yet to act personally or pastorally in ways that could place your relationship to that church at risk.

In that sense, I think of dissonance, arising from a feeling of being conflicted, as a bit like a discord in music. It's like a clash of notes that sounds and feels jarring and unnerving ( - unless, perhaps, you like jazz!). Does that make sense?

Reply
Deb Rakonjac, MA, PMP
1/4/2021 03:32:28 pm

When I feel like my values are being challenged or I'm being asked to do something that goes against my values. I name it. Have conversations and have made decisions to leave roles because of it.

Reply
Nick Wright
1/4/2021 03:43:51 pm

Hi Deb. That sounds like a very principled way to live.

I confess I have occasionally compromised on some of my values for the sake of expediency, e.g. stayed in a role or a relationship because I hoped and believed I could influence change.

In those instances, it has felt like a trade-off of values; e.g. being willing to lose something in order to win something greater. However, I have also sometimes felt deeply conflicted.

If the feeling of dissonance has been too great, I too have chosen to take a less compromising stance or to leave.

Reply
Paul
2/4/2021 10:06:02 am

This is all familiar scenario Nick. I recently experienced this with my daughter whom I believe to be moving in a direction of what is supposed to be expected of a submissive and respectful Asian woman but what you now experience is exactly the opposite.

Reply
Nick Wright
2/4/2021 12:41:21 pm

Hi Paul. Interesting. Are you saying your daughter is moving in a different direction to that which is normally expected of an Asian woman in your context? I'm curious - are you experiencing a sense of dissonance over your daughter's direction, or is she, or is someone else..? I'd love to hear more!

Reply
Janice Roberts
3/4/2021 08:00:12 pm

I'm in the same position as Jenny above with the additional complications that my daughter is the biological mother of my grandson in a lesbian civil partnership. I love them both but their relationship for me is the antithesis of 'marriage'. My church i structure me to disown the partnership and her, which I cannot do. I live in a constant situation of dissonance, it reminds me of the fabled 'push me pull you' animal facing both ways. This duplicity engenders guilt in me, I am fragile humanity but cannot contemplate losing both daughter and grandson.

Reply
Nick Wright
4/4/2021 09:06:43 pm

Hi Janice. Thank you for such an honest personal response. It sounds like a very difficult situation for you - and a great example of the kind of dilemma that can create such painful dissonance.

I was astonished that the church told you to disown your daughter. That doesn't sound like Jesus to me. On the fabled animal front, you may find this short piece interesting? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/ambivalence

Reply
E.G. (Ervin) Sebastian - CPC, CSL
6/4/2021 12:06:17 pm

Yep... and once we invested time and effort... and $$$s... it's hard (and for some, impossible) to just stop or do a 180-degrees turn. I think I'm a bit in that situation with some of my projects. I really need to "chuck" some of them 🙄

Reply
Nick Wright
6/4/2021 12:24:55 pm

Hi Erv and thank you - as always - for such an honest and personal response. I guess the dissonance can arise if we find ourselves attempting to rationalise decisions, e.g. to persevere with a project because we have invested so much in it already; at the same time as our intuition is telling us cut our losses and 'chuck' the project.

I can remember a similar feeling when I bought a car that, as I discovered later, needed a lot of repairs. At first, I spent quite a lot of money on the repairs, only then to discover that more and more things needed doing. The dilemma I faced was, having already spent so much, whether to spend even more - or to cut my losses and get rid of it.

(It reminded me of Shakespear's Macbeth: "I am in blood stepped in so far that, should I wade no more, returning were as tedious as go o'er.")

To make matters worse, I couldn't by conscience sell it, knowing that it needed such expensive repairs...and nobody was likely to want to buy it given that so much expensive work was needed. I prayed...then, miraculously(!), I was hit by a car at high speed on a dual carriageway (freeway) which killed the car - and my insurance covered the cost.

(On the theme of what decision and action to take when faced with a dilemma, this short piece may resonate too? Ambivalence: https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/ambivalence)

Reply



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    ​Nick Wright

    ​I'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? ​Get in touch!

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