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Don't speak

11/5/2020

44 Comments

 

‘So much more was said in the unsaid.’ (Bridget Devoue)

Silence: a powerful rhetorical device, used by speakers and musicians to evoke resounding emotional impact. Silence leaves the audience…waiting…in...anticipation and ‘the sound of silence can be the most deafening sound of all’ (Toth). Silence is an important presencing tool in coaching and therapy too: an inviting silence that signals attentiveness; a space to feel deep and think hard; a willingness to listen and to hear. Silence interrupts and creates a...pause. It’s the silent space between notes that makes music possible.

These kinds of silence are so very different to the deadly silence of…intimidation. ‘The predator wants your silence. It feeds their power, entitlement, and they want it to feed your shame’ (Davis). This is the act, the feeling of being, becoming, done to, suppressed; collusion and fear. I’ve felt that silence at times; as if an invisible hand is grasping at my throat; making it hard for me to squeeze the words out, to breathe. It’s the silence of the silenced, the voice-less; where all that's left is a dark, lifeless, empty...void.

So, we do well to tread with wisdom and insight here. 'There's a time to be silent and a time to speak' (Ecclesiastes 3:7). ‘Not every truth is the better for showing its face undisguised; and often silence is the wisest thing for a person to heed' (Pindar). Some things are best said, others better left unsaid. We may find ourselves awestruck, speech-less, lost for words. We may simply feel no need to speak. The same silence that one person finds awkward, difficult or lonely can feel calming, refreshing or revitalising for another.

What part does silence play in your leadership, OD, coaching or training? When is your best advice: ‘Don’t speak’?
44 Comments
Clau Garcíah
11/5/2020 10:38:03 pm

I like your article very much, it feels very poetic to me, especially the phrase: "the kinds of silence". I myself am a friend of silence and enjoy it, specially when I'm alone. To me, silence is not loneliness, it is self-knowledge! Thank you Nick ⭐️

Reply
Nick Wright
11/5/2020 10:40:16 pm

Thank you for such encouraging feedback, Clau. I too enjoy silence. It allows me, for example: to relax, to be refreshed, to focus, to pray and to hear. I think that's where there's a big difference between choosing silence and being 'silenced'. One is life-giving, the other life-taking.

Reply
Andrea Dasilva, M Ed., RCC
11/5/2020 11:20:01 pm

Hello silence, my old friend?

Reply
Nick Wright
11/5/2020 11:23:36 pm

Hi Andrea. ‘You’ve come to talk with me again’? 🤐

Reply
Miguel Angel Caporalini Herk
12/5/2020 02:06:35 am

In this days is neccesary keep silence. It is a critical zone. We are fighting with an invisible enemy and a lot of conscience is needed. For this, it is necessary to remain silent and act.

Reply
Nick Wright
12/5/2020 02:09:36 am

Hi Miguel. 'Remain silent and act'. I like that. I sometimes tell myself: 'Pause, reflect, act'...or 'Act, pause, reflect'. It's at the heart of critical reflective practice.

Reply
Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)
12/5/2020 09:27:28 am

Another profound article Nick. I need time to be quiet to reflect more. Some early thoughts on when is it best not to speak in my work: when I haven't earned the right to speak because the therapeutic relationship is not well established yet, when I can see/feel that the client is overwhelmed and needs quiet, when the timing isn't right, when I feel an urge to speak but deep inside I know I must wait and hold the silence because it is healing, when I want to rescue but know that isn't the right response as it is disempowering - clients need to find the way that is right for them.

Reply
Nick Wright
12/5/2020 09:31:50 am

Thank you, Stella. I really like how you focused your response on the needs of the client. Sometimes, timing is everything and, if the coach or therapist struggles to hold silence, their too-early interventions may interfere more than enhance.

Reply
Ian Henderson
12/5/2020 09:39:48 am

Thank you Nick.

Reply
Nick Wright
12/5/2020 09:44:04 am

Thanks Ian. You’re welcome. 😷

Reply
Sharon King
12/5/2020 10:44:26 am

Or how about the humility to say as a leader "I don't know"

Reply
Nick Wright
12/5/2020 11:44:43 am

Hi Sharon. Yes indeed. There are resonances with this short related piece: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/not-knowing

Reply
Carol Brookes
12/5/2020 11:41:51 am

When you have just asked a question - as Stephen R Covey said: "Seek first to understand, then to be understood" - you need to use silence if you want to truly understand.

Reply
Nick Wright
12/5/2020 11:42:59 am

Hi Carol. Yes, if we pose a question...allow the silence to speak first.

Reply
Martin Baptist
12/5/2020 12:32:17 pm

Well said.

Reply
Nick Wright
12/5/2020 12:32:45 pm

Thank you, Martin.

Reply
Katherine (Kaytee) Macdonald
12/5/2020 05:05:15 pm

Thank you for this post. It is an excellent reminder to me that silence *should* always play a bigger part in my facilitation. Times where I have curated my words thoughtfully and allowed silence to invite thought in my participants have by far been my most productive training and workshopping sessions.

One way I *have* conditioned myself to lean on silence is after asking a group what seems like a "gimme" or "rhetorical" question. (I facilitate a lot of corporate culture workshops, for context.) I've trained myself to ask the question once, then count SLOWLY to 10 in my head. I have gotten myself comfortable with the awkwardness of a silent room--much more so that my participants!--and that silent time signals to others that the question expects an answer, and gives them space to respond... if only to "break the awkwardness."

Reply
Nick Wright
12/5/2020 05:12:20 pm

Thank you, Kaytee, for such affirming feedback! I like your 'count to 10 slowly' idea. I've discovered over time that, for those with an introverted preference, 10 seconds of silence can seem to pass like a split second. For those with an extroverted preference, it can feel like an eternity! :)

On this theme, you may find two short related pieces interesting?
*The Silent Way: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/the-silent-way
*Art of Discovery: http://www.nick-wright.com/art-of-discovery.html

A good friend, who works as a group trainer, uses silence very powerfully if a group loses focus or becomes too distracted. Rather than trying to shout over the noise in the room, he simply stands at the front and stays silent. It's amazing how quickly the group settles and refocuses again.

Reply
Bob Garvey
12/5/2020 05:56:59 pm

Silence is indeed golden! When you say it is a ‘tool’, what do you mean?

Reply
Nick Wright
12/5/2020 06:00:37 pm

Thanks Bob. That's a good question. I wasn't sure about the word 'tool' myself...but used it to indicate something that we, as practitioners, can use in service of the client. I included 'presencing' because there's a quality about silence, like deep listening, that is and feels, phenomenologically, more human-relational than (simply) utilitarian.

Reply
Bob Garvey
12/5/2020 08:45:38 pm

Thanks for your response Nick! I have long had a ‘thing’ about various aspects of coaching being called ‘tools’ because it suggests ‘doing’ something to someone!

Nick Wright
12/5/2020 08:47:43 pm

Hi Bob. I can understand that. For me, coaching is an alliance, in which either or both parties can draw on silence to move things deeper and forward - depending on the nature of the relationship and the contract.

Keith Jaskulski
12/5/2020 08:49:04 pm

This was a profound, thought provoking piece. Thank you for sharing! Silence certainly has it's place and can be very necessary, but it can also be harmful. Regardless of what side of the issue, you must both be respectful, and be respected.

Reply
Nick Wright
12/5/2020 08:50:09 pm

Thanks Keith. You're welcome. Yes, silence with respect is a good principle!

Reply
Roland Stockton
12/5/2020 08:51:28 pm

One of my lessons teaches how to listen, I started the lesson by showing a slide, please sit, no talking, you may want to take notes, the aim was to emphasize the need to focus to the exclusion of all else, teaching how to listen begins with learning how to be silent, to observe more, lots to add, but for those of us who know, no words needed.

Reply
Nick Wright
12/5/2020 08:56:40 pm

Hi Rob. Silence, like listening, is a discipline that can be learned. Yes, when we turn off the sound, it's amazing what we sometimes notice and focus on. I sometimes do this quite literally by showing a video on screen and turning off the sound. 'What do you notice?' I worked with deaf colleagues in one organisation who were masterful at noticing what hearing colleagues didn't notice. You may find this short related piece interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/sounds-of-silence

Reply
David Cope
13/5/2020 04:33:43 pm

Stunning photo !

Reply
Nick Wright
13/5/2020 04:34:00 pm

Thanks David. I thought so too!

Reply
Judit McAlley
13/5/2020 04:35:28 pm

Let the client think.
I was thinking of myself. How can I think about something when someone else is talking to me? I cannot.
So I ask the client a question / make and observation etc. and then just stop talking. The space allows them to start thinking and eventually something will come up which helps them progress.

Reply
Nick Wright
13/5/2020 04:40:19 pm

Hi Judit. 'So I ask the client a question...and then just stop talking.' I like that. A common pitfall for coaches is that, in our desire to be helpful or prove our own worth, we may pose too many questions, or speak too much, and thereby inadvertently become an interference to the client's own thinking process.

Reply
Judit McAlley
15/5/2020 03:07:29 pm

Nick, and how difficult it was for me to refrain myself to keep talking...when I did my qualification my supervisor kept reminding me to stop compound asking questions...eventually (and with practice) I did 🙂

Nick Wright
15/5/2020 03:11:04 pm

Well done, Judit. 😀 I have to remind myself from time to time to simply pause...and to hold the silence for long enough...to client’s own awareness and insight to rise to the surface.

Melanie Huang
13/5/2020 04:41:24 pm

The power of silence 👍

Reply
Nick Wright
13/5/2020 04:41:37 pm

Hi Melanie. Indeed.

Reply
Hemant R. Chalke
13/5/2020 04:44:12 pm

Luv the piece Nick. For me personally it is something very usefull when trying to put something important across n Pause just before. 👏👏👏

Reply
Nick Wright
13/5/2020 04:47:50 pm

Thank you, Hemant. Yes, learning to pause before speaking can be a very useful discipline. Simple...but not always easy!

Reply
Richard Coles
13/5/2020 11:12:06 pm

My personality lends itself to being fully involved with everything. I can’t help myself. I had to learn hard to use silence to elicit others to think and not for me to lead them where I think they should go. An ex colleague was brilliant at the use of silence. (Nameless, colleague not manager).

Reply
Nick Wright
13/5/2020 11:15:29 pm

Hi Richard. Thank you for such an honest personal response. My sense is that being aware of our default patterns, as you are, and preferences is a great strength. On eliciting, you may find this short related piece interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/art-of-discovery.html

Reply
Ian Reid
18/5/2020 04:37:14 pm

You might be interested in the work of http://linkedin.com/in/stevegchapman

Reply
Nick Wright
18/5/2020 04:38:22 pm

Hi Ian. Thanks for the reference. Is there anything in particular of Steve's work that comes to mind?

Reply
Ian Reid
18/5/2020 11:40:24 pm

Steve's work on silence https://www.linkedin.com/posts/stevegchapman_itunes-spotify-podcast-activity-6665929926937493507-msbR

Nick Wright
18/5/2020 11:44:11 pm

Thanks Ian. I'll check it out.

Amanda Livermore
25/5/2020 07:31:54 am

Nick, I love this post and the power of silence. When used as an invitation as you say and not as a power play, can be generative, expansive and easeful. Nancy Klein in her Time to Think methodologies is a beautiful and sacred way to honour silence although she frames what you are speaking to as "Generative Attention".

Reply
Nick Wright
25/5/2020 10:39:38 am

Thanks Amanda. I like Nancy Klein's insight of sitting alongside - rather than opposite - a person when holding silence together in some cultures. It's as if both are gazing into open space and possibilities, rather than gazing at each other.

Reply



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    ​Nick Wright

    ​I'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? ​Get in touch!

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