Eggshells

22/8/2016

It feels like walking on egg shells. That sense of tip toeing ever-so-carefully…a bit like making your way with nervous trepidation through a proverbial minefield. Every step feels dangerous. You don’t know what lays beneath. You’re never quite sure if you’re about to trigger something – Explosive!!! This kind of encounter, this type of volatile relationship, can feel incredibly difficult to navigate. It’s something about threat, uncertainty and unpredictability that can leave us anxious and stressed.

A real problem here is that it places – or, we place – the other person in a position of great power over us, especially if we fear their reaction. This is compounded if it is a boss, a peer or another authority figure who holds sway over our job, our family, our organisation or our community. We can expend huge amounts of mental, emotional and physical energy trying to placate them, to avoid being, saying or doing anything that may set them off. It’s a form of intimidation and control.

I worked with one leader who displayed wild mood swings at work. A mentor at the time invited me to envisage approaching this leader’s office…putting my hand on the door knob…turning it. What feeling did that evoke for me? I could feel the immediate tension in my stomach, that sense of ‘in the grip-ness’, not knowing – and fearing – who or what to expect on the other side of the door. I became aware that I would tend to modify my own behaviour to try to keep the peace at all cost.

A turning point was in discovering insights from Transactional Analysis (TA) that helped me to manage such interactions differently – although still rarely easily. I pray for courage and grace, to view the person through a prism of love rather than one of fear. I choose to relate in adult-adult mode, irrespective of what mode the person may relate to me in. I take a deep breath and name the dynamic and, if needed, walk away if it can’t be resolved. What have you found works for you?

112 Comments

Gwen Griffith

23/8/2016 07:25:41 pm

Adult-adult mode!
Yes!

Nick Wright

23/8/2016 07:26:13 pm

Thanks Gwen! :) All the best. Nick

Karen Blake MCDI MIEP

23/8/2016 08:18:50 pm

What did they hope to gain from coaching? Did they need signing posting to another service provision if they are volatile? Are you putting money, trying to 'fix' someone above safeguarding yourself? Are you honest enough to mutually agree you are not able to coach that individual?

Nick Wright

23/8/2016 08:27:57 pm

Thanks for posting such an interesting response, Karen. I think you raise some important points around e.g. contracting, responsibilities and boundaries. I guess there are degrees of 'volatility' and, as a coach and client, we need to be willing to exercise wise judgement.

To support the point you are making around safeguarding, I spoke with a mental health nurse recently who was physically attacked and hospitalised by a 'patient' and yet refuses to withdraw from the relationship because she believes she can make a difference.

I think this is where professional supervision is so important - to enable us to keep a sense of perspective and, from that place, to enable us to make wise choices. Do you have any experiences of signposting or withdrawing that you could share? All the best. Nick

Yolanda Gray

23/8/2016 09:26:42 pm

Nick, there's a difference between feeling physically unsafe like you can get hurt as in the case of the nurse--working in a men's prisons for years I exercised not only good judgement but intuition as well--it kept me safe for 18 years. Your own experience reminds me of a coach who was working with a man from another culture who views women as less than--she is female. However, he knew she was a great trainer so he wanted her--only the best. She explained kindly that abuse was not tolerated and then finally cut him loose. At that point, he decided he could "act right" and now he is one of her best clients--we teach people how to treat us.

Nick Wright

23/8/2016 09:32:10 pm

Hi Yolanda and thanks for the note. Yes, the mental health nurse case is definitely more extreme than we would normally encounter in coaching. However, it does reinforce the principle that we need to be willing to be clear about ground rules, boundaries etc. It sounds like that's what the coach did that you refer to. Different people have different ideas about what constitutes 'abuse' and so, at times, we need to be very explicit about what attitudes and behaviours we are willing to tolerate or work with. All the best. Nick

Nick Skinner

23/8/2016 09:33:12 pm

I agree, Nick, with much of what you have written and recognise many of the feelings you describe. Viewing the situation through a lens of power introduces the concept of choice and allows a focus on options not fears. At the risk of sounding like a cliché, you might not change them but you can change yourself. Thanks for sharing.

Nick Wright

23/8/2016 09:38:20 pm

Hi Nick and thanks for the note. Yes, I agree - if we recognise that we are exercising choice in the relationship, it can feel and be more empowering than responding passively or reactively to another person's behaviour. All the best. Nick

E.G.Sebastian (CPC)

24/8/2016 09:32:05 am

I tell them that I don't do well with "egg shells" and I'd gladly give a refund (and I really hope they say "Yes, please give me a refund." And I ask for permission to be bluntly honest, while trying to be tactful... but let them know that at times I might slip up and "step on their toes"...

It's my 13th year... in the 1st many years I was glad to work with anyone, with any attitude; but now I developed a certain "confidence" and style and expectations of clients, that I'm unwilling to "compromise." Some might call me a "prick" or some other cool descriptor for saying such things... but, trust me, your piece of mind is worth more than any $$$s, and it's great when you get to the point where you can politely offer a refund and terminate the relationship OR ask the client to pull their heads out of their behind and get "with the program" :)

Nick Wright

24/8/2016 09:38:26 am

Thanks for such an honest and direct response, E.G. I like your, 'I don't do well with egg shells' because it helps to set the contract for the relationship. I too have chosen not to work with clients or withdrawn from client relationships if they cross my own ethics or boundaries or where I believe I can't really offer anything useful. It's more difficult when employed as an internal coach within an organisation where there's often less latitude for choosing who to work with. As a result, choosing not to work with a senior leader in those circumstances could turn out to be a more radical career decision. ;) All the best. Nick

Chantaul Jordan

24/8/2016 09:39:10 am

Relevant post and great comments! Thanks Nick.

Nick Wright

24/8/2016 09:39:40 am

Thanks Chantaul! All the best. Nick

Cath Norris, MA, BA, Dip Couns

24/8/2016 09:41:03 am

I used to manage services for people living in highly volatile conditions and not surprisingly it wasn't uncommon to face volatile behaviour. We had a policy of never excluding and that meant that we had to find ways of being which addressed the behaviour without escalating things. It worked. No one got hurt. No one got excluded.

It forced me to develop a deeply honest and empathic approach. I'd name my fear and upset but always within the context of acknowledging that if I was feeling that way then how had they felt in facing the circumstances from which their volatility evolved. The focus was never just me or them, it was always 'us'.

Nick Wright

24/8/2016 09:49:52 am

Thanks for sharing such stimulating insights, Cath. I find your comment about 'living in highly volatile conditions' interesting. Is your sense that, in those situations, if the conditions change, the volatile behaviour may change too?

I have mixed feelings about 'policy of never excluding'. On the one hand - insofar as the client knows it - it can provide the security for a therapeutic relationship to work. On the other hand, it can leave a boundary open that sometimes needs to be 'closed' to create that sense of security - including for other clients in the same vicinity.

It sounds like you found a great way to handle the relationships and the volatility. Locating the cause - if it makes sense here to talk about a primary cause - of the volatility in the client's environment rather than in the client themselves is a great example of keeping the wider relational, cultural and systemic factors in view.

All the best. Nick

Cath Norris, MA, BA, Dip Couns

24/8/2016 10:26:52 am

Yes Nick, providing an environment based on acceptance of the person and effectively creating our own community based on that, certainly decreased the need for volatility. The same young people were regularly kicking off with other providers because of how they were treated, but never with us. Most people would look to change the young people and their behaviour, instead we supported them in addressing the problem systemically by influencing services which were triggering volatility. We worked with young people in developing and implementing strategies which enabled them to have meaningful conversations with other providers.

Nick Wright

24/8/2016 10:35:45 am

Thanks Cath. Love it! I believe it's true that, at times, personal or group behaviour is a response to an environmental stimulus. This is a great example of where Gestalt 'figure' and 'ground' can be useful. What in the 'ground' is influencing what we are noticing (the client's behaviour) in the 'figure'? I wonder also, however, whether in some situations the client's volatility can be explained by inherent temperament and/or learned responses (e.g. pattern matching/transference) from the past. In my experience, the 'temperament' type (should it exist) can be most difficult to deal with, except by holding up a mirror so that the person is made aware (if they aren't already) of the potential impacts of their behaviour. What do you think? All the best. Nick

Cath Norris, MA, BA, Dip Couns

24/8/2016 11:17:53 am

For sure Nick. context can be 'then' not just 'now'. It's how we hold up that mirror which matters. I remember one guy walking in the centre and I thought 'if I look away, I or someone else is going to die'. I held up the mirror 2 weeks later. I sat down alone with him (staff right outside the door) and I explained how scared I felt. I cried, told him he'd had a legal right to be protected from whatever had created so much rage in him. We cried together. Somehow, somewhere, folks need a chance to face the original context and process it. But we must do everything we can to ensure our own safety and wellbeing in how we provide that opportunity.

As for when it's based on deep rooted very early experiences, I think a lot of that gets held somatically. It's lodged in the body. As such it's great to work with it physically. We used to have body work on offer in the centre and the folks who gravitated towards that were usually the ones demonstrating chronic holding.

Neil Coulson

24/8/2016 09:55:11 am

I've had my fair share of temperamental trainees. The environment I train in is Air Traffic Control - and we are often dealing with 'failing' or failed & jaded trainees who are in turn becoming Trainer Assistants etc. The industry itself already attracts 'strong willed' people as it is.
Another compounding factor is I have been considerably younger than the people I'm training, and this has proved difficult/requiring heightened interpersonal relationships.

I've found success when in a review period to discuss the larger goals/concepts - why they are here. Self-reflection is also a key process I've used, it's rare that someone who is volatile or flippant, doesn't identify the prickle in their paw.
I've also always insisted that while I may be the trainer, it is in MY best interest to get them trained, so it's a partnership.

These may be fairly basic methods but they are just my 2c.

Nick Wright

24/8/2016 10:01:07 am

Hi Neil and thanks for sharing such fascinating insights from the world of air traffic control! I think you touch on some very important points when working with training groups. If people don't want to be there, or can't see the point of it, or can't understand it etc, they are likely to get frustrated and are more likely to display 'temperamental' behaviours. Finding a way to connect with the people in the group - where they are here and now, what matters to them etc. - and to work together to address the learning goals in a way that makes sense and feels worthwhile for them is critical. I really like your expression 'prickle in the paw'. :) All the best. Nick

Catherine Adamson

24/8/2016 10:22:13 am

Luckily I can now choose who our clients are. We have had clients in the past who made my team members feel less than valued through their behaviours. Being self employed gives you options on who you work with. I would advise steering away from desperation and choose clients based on shared values rather than potential revenue.

Nick Wright

24/8/2016 10:25:15 am

Thanks Catherine. Yes, it certainly makes a difference when we can choose who to work with! Perhaps it depends too on questions such as whether the client is aware of their 'volatility' and this is something they want to work on, or whether the coach is willing to take the risk to hold up a mirror to the client so that the client has opportunity to grow in awareness of their volatility and its potential impacts. All the best. Nick

Tony Jackson

24/8/2016 10:48:32 am

Hello. Surely an element of adept coaching is a willingness and ability to 'hold up the mirror'. It's not always an easy chat and we have to be willing to go to different places on the 'directive vs non-directive' spectrum. The leader's blind-spot or lack of self-awareness could well be the interference which stands between them and being at their best. I would argue strongly that we have to be willing and able to work with people who engender different emotional responses in us. It is those responses which can provide invaluable data on 'how the person is experienced' and can lead to breakthroughs in the coaching session - it certainly comprised the 'over there; over here' element of my coach training back in the day. The trick is ensuring you are on the coachee's agenda, can find a way of encapsulating the feedback in the right way and can design questions which unlock the situation. Coaching at it's most impactful even?

Nick Wright

24/8/2016 11:07:23 am

Hi Tony and thanks for posting such a stimulating response. I think 'yes' that this kind of coaching holds the potential to be transformational for the client. As you say, the behaviours that people avoid addressing with the client could be the very behaviours that, if addressed, could release the client to be their best.

I worked with one such leader-client as internal coach. After one session, using the mirror, I reflected back to him that I felt burned by him and that, after we had finished our conversation, I would return to my desk with my clothes still smoking.

He looked startled by this metaphor. He hadn't been aware of the impact of his behaviour and colleagues around him had been afraid to tell him. This kind of use-of-self as coach can be powerful in raising awareness and, thereby, creating opportunities for different client choices in the future.

Sometimes, it means the coach needs to be aware of and to address their own 'interference' in order to have sufficient courage to address the challenging client. All the best. Nick

Tony Jackson

24/8/2016 11:39:46 am

Hi I can see the challenge as 'internal coach' Nice talking and thanks for response Tony

Kylie Warry

24/8/2016 11:41:00 am

I have learned that dealing with the emotional impact on me is critical. I may speak up, but is I decide this will make it worse then I must deal with the emotional fallout of not speaking up. Self awareness is key

Nick Wright

24/8/2016 11:44:07 am

Hi Kylie and thanks for the note. Yes, I agree that paying attention to the emotional impacts of speaking up and not speaking up is important - not least for our own well-being and, at times, for the wellbeing of others who may be impacted by the person's behaviour too. All the best. Nick

Sheila Udall

24/8/2016 01:21:47 pm

What a fascinating conversation - thanks for raising the issue Nick. A couple of things have emerged for me . First, I am reminded of the saying 'nobody's behaviour is irrational to them' which (drawing from my own TA training) leads to me thinking that patterns of behaviour are developed as a way of keeping us 'safe' in the world. As coaches we need to be alert to the possibility that confronting these patterns directly could trigger a deeper (and potentially more damaging) reaction than anticipated. So care in reflecting what we experience when we are with clients is crucial.
This leads to the second thing - how explicit was the 'contracting'. Specifically (i) what is the agreed focus for the coaching (does the client agree to / want to engage in a transformational process?) and (ii) has the nature of challenge, as well as support, been explored and agreed? Looking forward to more comments. All good wishes Sheila

Nick Wright

24/8/2016 01:30:41 pm

Thanks Sheila - what great insights! I agree that patterns of behaviour can be developed as ways of 'keeping us safe' or, in psychodynamic terms, as 'defences against anxiety'. I think they can also be developed for other reasons, e.g. to exert influence or power in the world.

I think you are right that, unless we have contracted with the client around what we will focus on and how we will do it together, it can be tricky to address volatile behaviour directly. Insofar as such behaviour is a defensive routine, addressing it directly could trigger and amplify the defensive behaviour itself.

I think it also depends on our particular coaching ethos and approach - which should be reflected in the contract. I know some coaches who are only willing to work with material that the client presents directly. I know others who are willing to work with what emerges if it seems significant, whether it lays in the client's immediate focus of attention or not.

All the best. Nick

Jivana Kennedy

24/8/2016 01:51:32 pm

I don't work with extremely volatile people... I've eliminated it from my (inner) 'job description'.... I'm happy to leave that to those who are prepared and trained to take that risk.

Nick Wright

24/8/2016 01:58:27 pm

Hi Jivana. I can understand that..! I guess that what we perceive and experience as 'extremely volatile' depends partly on our felt sense of ability to be OK in that environment and on our confidence in our competence to deal with it.

I'm reminded of an anti-racism course I took part in many years ago now. One of the things we were challenged with was how we interpret behaviour and what we attribute to it, especially when working cross-culturally.

So...one of the things I'm thinking about now is the risk of my own projections onto the other person if they behave in a way that I perceive as 'volatile' and, associated with this, threat-inducing. All the best. Nick

Jivana Kennedy

24/8/2016 02:38:23 pm

Nick, In the meditation camps in the early days of the Osho Buddhafield, there was a murder or two and a few rapes, due to the bottled up energy being released, all under the auspices of highly trained psychotherapists.

For me it isn't a question of "What am I able to handle?" It's a question of "How do I want to live MY life?". And the only answer I get is ... 'gracefully'.

You coaches are soooo "In your heads" Lolol! :-)))

Nick Wright

24/8/2016 02:39:20 pm

Hi Jivana. That is always a good question to ask! All the best. Nick

Trevor Smith B.A, M.A. M.Ed, CLL

24/8/2016 07:48:00 pm

Great post! Thanks for sharing. It is always challenging working with volatile clients. I worked with a supervisor who was extremely moody and aloof. I remember using aspects of TA to to help me communicate and work with this person. This is a very relevant issue to discuss. Thanks again for sharing your experiences.

Nick Wright

24/8/2016 07:49:28 pm

Many thanks, Trevor! I can certainly empathise with the situation you describe. I'd be fascinated to hear more about what you drew on from TA and what difference it made. All the best. Nick

Yolanda Gray

24/8/2016 07:52:41 pm

Nick, this part makes sense and again, working in a prison we weren't always given the choice to say, "no," I had the respect of most of the inmates (male) because they knew what I would tolerate; they also knew that I was fair and not a pushover. So I get what you mean by, "It's more difficult when employed as an internal coach within an organisation where there's often less latitude for choosing who to work with. As a result, choosing not to work with a senior leader in those circumstances could turn out to be a more radical career decision".

Nick Wright

24/8/2016 07:56:23 pm

Hi Yolanda. That doesn't sound like the easiest of environments to work in. I'd be very interested to hear more about how you managed to establish and sustain the respect and stance you describe: knew what you would tolerate, that you were fair, that you were not a push over etc. Do you have any examples you could share that would illustrate how you did this? All the best. Nick

Yolanda Gray

25/8/2016 09:01:36 am

Nick, that's a great question. When you're a new officer, the inmates always try to "get over" on you to see if you know the rules, how much they can get away with. Knowing what those established policies were, and then acting accordingly when the attempted manipulation came was one thing. I also have what is known as "street smarts" and common sense--the most important skill to have in this environment. They always knew where they stood with me. And that word got passed around. I didn't tolerate bad/rude behavior and I wasn't mean about it! One example: When one of them decided to see how far they could push and received the consequences of his actions--that word gets out. Knowing who you're dealing with--that's imperative in this environment.

Rebecca O 'Driscoll

24/8/2016 07:58:10 pm

Without going into to too much detail. I would probably walk away. I find sharing compassionate stories can help in these situations. Its a case of not giving away our power and standing in your authority. They don't know how we feel, whether we are nervous or perspiring. Possibly.. Keeping calm and keeping eye contact and smiling helps to break down the barriers...

Nick Wright

24/8/2016 08:03:12 pm

Hi Rebecca and thanks for the note. Yes, walking away can be a wise option if to stay would mean giving away too much personal power in that situation. It can be tricky if we experience this behaviour persistently from a person, e.g. in the same team, that we need to rub shoulders with every day. We don't always have the option to walk away (or at least not without changing job!). The behaviour can sometimes be quite manipulative so holding our ground and acting with awareness - rather than being driven to respond by how the other person behaves - can be very important. Not always easy though... All the best. Nick

Rebecca O 'Driscoll

25/8/2016 09:16:11 am

Each situation is different and yes I agree Nick cant always walk away, however if others are observing this manipulative behaviour then I would ask that they support you ? I do have experience of difficult clients, a new manager they see you and their expectations are usually unreasonable as mentioned in Tara's comment. They do lack self awareness and often are very reactive. Its usually challenging to actually communicate with them for specific requirements, they move the goal post and will knock you off balance at times. As long as we can be specific then we are standing our ground. I usually repeat their requests back to them for clarity. And make sure everything is in writing.

Marie McIntyre

25/8/2016 08:43:06 am

What a great discussion point. From a therapeutic viewpoint it is always worth noting what feelings come up within us when working with people in authority. Our first encounters with authority are with our care givers. Were they kind, hostile, aggressive, passive. As adults we transfer these old feelings onto new people in positions of authority therefore repeating old stuff. It may be helpful to read up on transference (to the therapist or in this case the person in authority) and counter transference (the feelings within us/reactions).
TA is an excellent tool and understanding our own projections and managing others is something useful to look at too. Hope that helps.

Nick Wright

25/8/2016 08:45:46 am

Hi Marie and thanks for the note. Yes, our responses to people in authority that we perceive as 'volatile' can be influenced by how we have experienced previous authority figures and/or volatile people and situations. All the best. Nick

Ariel Zimmer

25/8/2016 08:46:44 am

I learned never to say, "Sir," or "Ma'am," based on the idea that it gives strangers undue authority to step all over you. That part worked very quickly and very well. The next thing took many years to master, and that was the art of feeling someone out using their own vocabulary and body language, and flipping that over into the correct emotional response (which is usually a slightly less intense mirror of their own emotion, to validate them). I worked in a disability supply store, and even on the phone I was able to de-escalate people with no filters using that validation, followed by the immediate verbal ownership of whatever task they needed tending. No need for pretense, burying yourself in poorly chosen words or seeming like a brown-noser.

Nick Wright

25/8/2016 08:50:16 am

Hi Ariel and thanks for your fascinating response! ;) You described an interesting use of mirroring to de-escalate. Mirroring often communicates empathy and decreasing the intensity can have a similar effect to 'pacing and leading' in NLP. Are you familiar with it? All the best. Nick

George Anderson MSW, BCD, CAMF

25/8/2016 08:50:55 am

And this is executive coaching?

Nick Wright

25/8/2016 08:51:33 am

What's the statement or question behind your question, George? All the best. Nick

Mark Vollmer

25/8/2016 08:52:57 am

Tough situations are ones that do require special skills. I find that when someone is volatile/explosive then there is an underlying issue. The emotional reaction is a symptom and only part of the problem. I focus on what I can control and then I influence. I have found that I can approach the person at a quiet moment and ask 'How do you want me to handle X?' X being the challenging situation. By building a trust base, the fear reduces because you can deliver a bit of safety, or at a minimum, a new awareness. There are other skills that are applicable in these moments- do some investigations in the Neuroscience arena.

Nick Wright

25/8/2016 08:59:45 am

Hi Mark and thanks for the note. Yes, establishing trust can make a very significant difference. It sometimes means addressing the person directly: 'What do we need to do to establish enough trust to work together on this?' This enables both parties to say what represents and builds 'trust' from their respective beliefs, values and cultural bases. This assumes, of course, a level of awareness, willingness and ability from both parties to hold this type of conversation. In the neuroscience arena, there are some interesting insights in the Human Givens area, particularly in terms of emotional arousal and impacts on cognition. In practice it means, where possible, choosing calmer moments to hold this type of reflective conversation rather than when either party is in volatile state in order to increase the likelihood of a better outcome. All the best. Nick

Tara Parker

25/8/2016 09:07:53 am

Nick, it is a tough situation where there is negative emotions and behavior are used to control others. There are individuals who simply do not understand that other people do have feelings no matter the environment or they are simply lacking social awareness and do not manage relationships very well. In short, they have low emotional intelligence. There may not be much you can do except to observe the individual and develop a pattern to their behavior, should you plan to continue the relationship. I have found that studying their communication style and adapting to that style helps that volatile person feel a little more at ease or at least easier to deal with. Just be careful to not compromise yourself as that is the biggest struggle in working with volatile personalities - staying true to you.

Nick Wright

25/8/2016 09:14:57 am

Hi Tara and thanks for the note. I think you touch on an important point in the area of emotional intelligence. If someone has low emotional intelligence, they may well be unaware of the emotional impact they have on others...and unaware of their unawareness. I think this is where skilful coaching can make a great difference, not least in enabling a person to grow in awareness of their impact and to develop strategies to address it - assuming, of course, that they care enough about the impact they are having to be willing to work on it! I think your comment about 'staying true to you' is important too. When working with volatile people, especially those who use this behaviour coercively or manipulatively, we risk morphing into whatever we believe will placate them. It can be tough to hold a more assertive stance and this is where I believe insights and techniques from TA can be useful. All the best. Nick

Sean McCallum

25/8/2016 11:10:41 am

I think the key to such issues nick, lies in working hard to maintain a person centred approach. If we flinch, we communicate a fear, which indicates to the client that we have 'interpreted' their behaviour. Likewise, when we nod in approval, we also communicate to the individual that we have interpreted, understood, and therefore made judgement.
At times, I fee it is best to remain seemingly blank, and non commital in terms of our verbal and non verbal communications, because we can often find that we inadvertently reinforce the individuals behaviour, or beliefs without realising. For example, if we have a leader that seems to use aggressive communications as the norm with their staff, this is an area for development. Therefore, if we reinforce the idea that the system works for them by flinching, we then also show that their behaviour is effective. If they can sense NO reaction whatsoever, they will notice, because it is abnormal for them. You therefore place yourself, as a coach, in a unique position with them.

Nick Wright

25/8/2016 11:18:11 am

Hi Sean and thanks for the stimulating response. The person-centred approach idea is interesting. Although I agree that we can choose not to superimpose an interpretation onto a person's behaviour (e.g. vis a vis their underlying intention), I'm not sure we can remain entirely 'blank' (unless we are great at poker!) or that, if we were to try to do so, it would be consistent with person-centred authenticity. An alternative person-centred approach would be to acknowledge the felt impact that the person's behaviour has on me and, from there, to explore their awareness and intention? All the best. Nick

Sagar Simon

25/8/2016 01:53:07 pm

There are no volatile clients. There are only thoughts about clients. If you have done your work on yourself. You either say yes and work with them or you say no if you are not ready to work with them. Life is very simple work with your thinking and find your peace and the solution within you. When you are relaxed and a listener open available to possibilities that is what you will off an apparent volatile client. And I not sure what you mean by volatile, so I only have my projects of what that person might be like. For me I am as open and available as possible in the moment, I always look to me.

Nick Wright

25/8/2016 02:03:01 pm

Hi Sagar and thanks for posing such a healthy challenge! I agree with you that 'volatility' is, in a sense, in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes our ideas about volatility and what it could represent (e.g. threat or passion) are culturally as well as personally construed. Behaviour that could be construed and experienced as 'threatening' in one cultural environment could be perceived and experienced quite differently in a different cultural context.

Having said that, if a person is experienced generally and negatively as 'volatile' in a specific cultural environment (e.g. in a specific team or organisation) and this is impacting on their and/or others' e.g. wellbeing, motivation and effectiveness, I think it calls wider questions into view than my own perspective alone. This is where coaching the person with wider relationships, culture and systems in view can be very important.

All the best. Nick

David Bayne

25/8/2016 02:04:22 pm

Hi Nick 'What is Volatile?" For one person it could be a simple rejection for another it could be at knife point before they are concerned. It all depends on our perspective. Like EG I have been coaching for 15 years and I have gone round the loop from initially taking on anyone and everyone to picking and choosing who I want. Now I find myself taking on board the so called 'tough' clients because they challenge me. I found picking and choosing who I wanted put me in a comfort zone and I stopped growing as a coach. So now I look for those clients who are 'uncoachable' and I take on the challenge for them and for me. I deal with some tough clients in all sorts of industries and they are volatile! But if you can break through the rewards are great.

Nick Wright

25/8/2016 02:10:11 pm

Hi David and thanks for the note. 'What is volatile?' is a good question - see my response to Sagar above. I too work with 'tougher' (and that, like volatile, is a construct too) clients and teams than I did in previous years - perhaps reflecting a greater confidence in my ability to survive it...and a greater belief that, at times, something bordering on miraculous is possible. At the same time, I am more convinced than ever that it's not something I can unilaterally do-to a client. It's something about a mutual willingness to engage together on things that matter to the client (and sometimes things that matter to wider stakeholders, culture and context too) and to trust that something amazing is possible. All the best. Nick

David Bayne

25/8/2016 07:27:19 pm

And Behavioural profiling would also come into the equation. If you are a very passive type person and you have a prospect in front of you who is very dominant you may say they are volatile and uncoachable. But I might say I like them and we get on very well. Coaching is a very emotional game and we are in the trenches with people who are living on the edge and we are their lifeline. If they can't swear at us or throw a chair or kick a cat or go off the handle a few times in front of us what is our purpose? As coaches we are there to get the best out of our clients and also to help them improve their lives. But before we have the break throughs we have 'break a parts' and 'break downs' and we must be strong and help these clients through those challenging times or maybe we shouldn't be signing up for coaching! It's not all beer and skittles!!

Jivana Kennedy

25/8/2016 07:28:20 pm

@DB:"It's not all beer and skittles!!"

What a bummer, eh? :-)))

Nick Wright

25/8/2016 07:37:10 pm

Hi David. One of the best profiling tools I've come across in this area is DISC. Are you familiar with it? 'In the trenches with' and 'lifeline' beg all sorts of interesting questions in the coaching field..! Your final comment reminded me of the opening paragraphs in an excellent paper on coaching by Ana Karakusevic at Roffey Park Institute: http://www.roffeypark.com/wp-content/uploads2/Coaching-Fundamentals.pdf All the best. Nick

Tsufit

25/8/2016 09:55:18 pm

Great question, Nick Wright. Volatility in the stock market means that something goes up and down, changes dramatically, rather than stays steady. But if it means volatile as in potential for verbal violence or worse, or even potential for litigation or huge conflict, I'd recommend removing oneself from the situation as soon as it becomes apparent.

Sagar Simon, I think one should approach this with caution as a coach. Perhaps if one is a psychotherapist or psychiatrist, but as a "coach", it's not just a question of whether the coach is ready. There are things beyond a coaches' arena.

Nick Wright

25/8/2016 10:03:51 pm

Thanks Tsufit. Yes, clearly there are different degrees of 'volatility' that call for different responses. In my own experience in the coaching arena, it has often looked more like unpredictable mood swings (a colleague once commented that her leader's mood swings were giving her whiplash!) than something more extreme along the lines you describe. If the mood swings tilt towards aggressive behaviour, I believe the coach needs to make a careful judgement call about what is safe, healthy, reasonable and possible to work with in that situation. This is where professional supervision can prove very useful and important, enabling the coach to step back and make conscious choices rather than feeling swept along in response to a client's behaviour. All the best. Nick

Cath Norris, MA, BA, Dip Couns

26/8/2016 09:46:15 am

"there are things beyond a coaches arena"

Well I think I see where you're coming from Tsufit, but I'm assuming that you're relating that to individual limitations? I think we all help to define the arena and there are coaches walking in from, and out into, every imaginable area of life where folks want coaching. Many of us have therapeutic backgrounds or come from extreme adversity. It's all so relative to individual experience and ability to respond as needed. That's a big part of what I love about the field, that it's developing a huge breadth and depth which can help to inform and inspire each of us in our work and show us what is potentially possible.

Maria Clara Whitaker, MSc.

26/8/2016 09:38:42 am

This is where I'd reach into my psychology toolbox and pull out the concept of counter-transference: the feeling the other person evokes in you. Do you want to strangle the person? Avoid upsetting them? feel like rescuing them? I would then bring this out into the open, and expand with them.

Nick Wright

26/8/2016 09:44:51 am

Hi Maria and thanks for the note. Yes, I believe counter-transference and 'use of self' can be very useful in working with people. I would add that, if working with a volatile person who is in a highly aroused emotional state, sometimes empathy or - in extreme cases - withdrawal can be important as a starting place. When the person is calmer, they are more likely to be open to the coach's reflections on what the coach is experiencing when with them etc. Does that resonate with your experience too? All the best. Nick

Tricia Mitchell

26/8/2016 09:47:07 am

The more I work on myself, the less I seek to resolve in others what I'm not willing to see within me. Then, when I do resonate with clients, there is a different dynamic between us, because I am different, and therefore can influence or hold the space in a way that is less invested in the outcome.

Nick Wright

26/8/2016 09:50:13 am

Hi Tricia. Yes, I agree that working on ourselves can have a profound impact on the relationship, including what beliefs, assumptions, presence, stance etc. I bring to the encounter. This too can change what I may evoke in the client - albeit often subconsciously - and what outcomes may emerge. All the best. Nick

Tricia Mitchell

26/8/2016 03:57:54 pm

Thanks, Nick, couldn't have put it better myself. Best wishes, Tricia

Stephanie Lelaurin

26/8/2016 10:14:08 am

My trick is to focus on the fact that violent or repressive attitudes always come to hide the greatest and most primitive human fears. That helps me remember at every moment that the person in front of me is as perfectly imperfect and vulnerable as I am, and connects me with all the love I need to help and support my client.
Another great advice I got from my surgeon dad when I was a child and scared by a severe teacher "just imagine him on the loo and you'll remember he's just as human as you are" 😂😂😂

Nick Wright

26/8/2016 10:30:45 am

Hi Stephanie and thanks for the useful insights. Yes, at times, volatile behaviour - including aggression - may be an outward display of an inner defence against anxiety. Recognising the other person as an imperfect and vulnerable human being can sometimes create and evoke empathy and reduce the sense of fear. I like your use of the word Love...and your final comment made me smile. :) You may be interested in this related short piece on a similar theme? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/fantasy All the best. Nick

Kristine Hart

26/8/2016 10:21:11 am

Step aside
Call on a Pro

Nick Wright

26/8/2016 10:22:18 am

Hi Kristine. And if you are the Pro..? All the best. Nick

Joe Gregory, MBA

26/8/2016 03:59:39 pm

In my opinion, they need to be called on it in a heartfelt, caring way. If the volatile client is in a position of leadership, they are setting themselves up for a complaint, law suit or even getting fired as they are creating what can be deemed a hostile environment. I would recommend to them taking the EQi assessment and coaching them around it prior to doing anything else. If they refuse help in growing their EQ, I'm out as nothing else really matters before that is addressed.

Nick Wright

26/8/2016 04:04:34 pm

Thanks Joe. Yes, emotional intelligence is very important in this type of situation. Some of the most volatile leaders I have worked with have been unaware of the impacts of their behaviour - often because people feel too scared to tell them - or aware of their impact but struggling to handle their own temperament and behaviour, especially when feeling under pressure or stressed. In both cases, I think coaching around EQ-related areas can be incredibly useful, if the leader is willing to engage with it. All the best. Nick

Kirsten Nicholl

30/8/2016 09:07:12 am

I agree with Joe. As a coach I feel it's imperative to present to a client as "anything you say or do is all the same to me" thereby creating the space for the client to show up however they are and deal with that without being affected by or buying into their problem. Having sought permission to share an insight around a behaviour pattern that I notice might be holding them back, I'd respectfully and in a caring and professional manner, call them on it. Their behaviour is likely an unresourceful strategy that they're unconsciously doing across various areas of their life and it will be impacting their relationships in work and everywhere else. Imagine the changes this will enable them to make when they have it brought to their awareness and held up to the light to examine!

Dave Smith

26/8/2016 09:55:25 pm

Adult-adult definitely works for me. And although someone's temperament may influence the way I deal with them, I won't allow it to dictate everything - I'll find some middle ground and expect them to take some responsibility for their behaviour.

I've found not making it a competition or a confrontation but taking it face on and treating them in the same manner as others (i.e.: not raising to bait, etc) actually seems to level their behaviour, eventually.

Nick Wright

26/8/2016 10:02:26 pm

Thanks Dave. Yes, there is a risk that we try to 'manage' other people's behaviour by how we behave - in other words, to accommodate or compensate for their behaviour as a way of influencing it - which may mean they don't take responsibility for their own behaviour...if that makes sense! Holding an adult-adult stance in the way you describe can sometime evokes an adult ego state in the other person too, hence leveling their behaviour. It can be hard work if we feel triggered or emotionally affected by their behaviour...hence the value of co-training or supervision to help us stay in adult state in-the-midst. All the best. Nick

Romeo A. Emmanuels

27/8/2016 10:20:40 pm

Tolerance.

Nick Wright

27/8/2016 10:21:12 pm

Thanks Romeo. All the best. Nick

Nancy D. Solomon

27/8/2016 10:22:16 pm

Call me crazy (some do), but why are you working with someone who is 'volatile'? If you need to keep a roof over your head, and the kids clothed, that's one thing. But if those things are handled, then you may want to consider looking at your boundaries What is okay for you? What is a compromise for you? What is a "NO-WAY" for you?

Yes, if you're triggered then there very well may be issues you need to deal with; face them with your coach, your therapist, your partner. NOT with a client. If enough people walk away from this person, saying that they can't work together, then he may at some point get the message that he has some serious work to do on himself.

Nick Wright

27/8/2016 10:30:34 pm

Hi Nancy. That doesn't sound crazy to me. :) There are degrees of volatility and so we need to decide where our own boundaries and capabilities are...which is sometimes trickier if we have less choice over who we work with! If we notice we are being triggered, I agree with you that we should work it through with a supervisor, coach, therapist etc. and not with a client. Having said that, there are times when working with a client and drawing on countertransference/use of self (our own experience of the client, in the moment) can prove transformational for the client. All the best. Nick

Jocelyn Phelps

28/8/2016 08:34:48 pm

Sheila raises an interesting point about the contract with the coachee; along the same lines, I was going to ask who the "client" was: the volatile individual, or this individual's organization? Is the coach being brought in because the volatile individual wants to change, or because the organization wants that person changed? And finally, let's take a step back and look at the organization: to what extent does this person reflect something in the surrounding culture? Is there a real desire to support change, or is some sort of organizational perversion at work? In the first case, take your vitamins and get to work; in the second, walk away - everything will be done to sabotage your work!

Nick Wright

28/8/2016 08:39:28 pm

Hi Jocelyn. Great questions! I love your comment, 'take your vitamins and get to work.' :) All the best. Nick

Mike Duffy

29/8/2016 10:23:01 am

I see two scenarios:1. Your personal boss is explosive OR 2. Your client is an explosive boss. If our own boss is counter productive to you and others, you have a good deal to consider: your current standing, your future in the company, the future of the company with this boss, how easy it would be to move to a new boss, how easy it would be to help your boss change.

If you have been hired by a volatile client to improve his workers or increase his business, you need to consider two attacks for the workers:1. How to improve their satisfaction with a tough boss, and 2, how to communicate that "We're all in this together. The boss may not want to be involved but he/she must take part in your assessment of the climate as well as be active with the workers in solving the problems. If you are at odds with this boss, take him to the woodshed. You cannot be in charge if the boss wants to power the change. While you as consultant want to convey cooperation and shared decision making, you must give up this job if you cannot be independent in leading change.

Nick Wright

29/8/2016 10:28:46 am

Hi Mike and thanks for the note. I have worked in both of the scenarios you describe. A critical dimension for me in both cases has been (a) what I consider my calling to be in that situation, relationship, organisation etc. and (b) what possibility I see for influence and change. I'm often working in an OD capacity with coaching as one aspect of my role. Sometimes that allows me to raise awareness and influence change at wider cultural and systemic levels. This partly depends on the client's willingness to engage and my ability to hold a relatively independent stance. All the best. Nick

Judy Murphy MSc, Chartered MCIPD

29/8/2016 10:29:44 am

Always an emotionally difficult and challenging situation, as it can evoke a previous memory for the person.
With luck, they can be experienced and can draw tools such as TA, reframing, being positive or walk away if it's a client.
However, if it is your boss... it can be a very different story! You may lack the skills to deal with the situtation. Then it's important to look for support to help you understand the dynamics of the situtation. Explore what tools you can discover with a coach and try to turn the situtation into a positive outcome, as walking away may not be as easy. Great post Nick.

Nick Wright

29/8/2016 10:34:46 am

Thank you, Judy. Yes, I agree. I've witnessed the greatest degree of change with volatile people when I've managed to establish enough trust for us to be able to handle challenging conversations without evoking defensive routines. That's not always easy! All the best. Nick

Steve Kopp

29/8/2016 03:32:18 pm

I find it helps to name the dynamic without judgement. I had one client who would create fight scenes - and often not intentionally. I would let him know "I feel like we're supposed to be fighting right now; I'm not invested in a fight. I wonder what's getting created here?" With that question, I rarely get a direct answer, but it tends to lessen the dynamic. I also move beyond adult-adult and invite the person to consider with more details what role he/she is enacting: (Using an adjective and a noun to be more descriptive and accurate) -- angry customer, hurt mentor, embarrassed teacher. There are clear stages we go through in developing new social roles - whether this is for someone in the superior position or in the employee position. I think one of the focused in couching is helping clients create a role repertoire that can help them function more effectively.

Nick Wright

29/8/2016 03:36:06 pm

Hi Steve and thanks for sharing such an excellent example of 'use of self' in coaching. I love it! :) I'm intrigued by your comments about developing new social roles. Do you have an example you could share to show what this could look like in practice? All the best. Nick

Laura Lingle

29/8/2016 03:37:55 pm

I work with them by working with them.
The class rule I have is that you do whatever you need to do to learn as long as you do not infringe on others' rights to do the same. If someone violates that, I have a one-on-one conversation.

Nick Wright

29/8/2016 03:39:23 pm

Thanks Laura. That sounds like a great rule in a training room. Do you have any examples of how you have used this with 'volatile' trainees? All the best. Nick

Roland Stockton

30/8/2016 08:53:02 am

Knowing they are fallible and have weaknesses like everyone else and understanding their personality is flawed and that they have to hide behind a mask. Failing that krav magar works well.

Nick Wright

30/8/2016 08:53:48 am

I'm intrigued, Roland. What is krav magar? All the best. Nick

Adam Snide

30/8/2016 08:59:07 am

This is a real topic with real impact in my world. Many times I've seen the 'alpha-negative', or procrastinator, demine or undermine a corporate training initiative. I've seen a classroom turn into stone, staring at the facilitator but not participating in any of the activities. After further investigation, clearly the culprit had set the tone before the event.

Some of tricks I've used, and urged my facilitators to use:
- Set the room up with the culprit(s) at the very front of the classroom. I rather have the person right next to me as I present so I can deal with their reaction versus having them stare at others or intimidate by grumbling in the back of the class. Simply set up name tags throughout the room before anybody arrives.

Mix up the course with webinars where each person calls inform their desk, using their own phone. Don't allow groups to meet in a conference room and don't allow them to use their mute button. This takes a lot of pre-planning, and technology, but if you use a webinar platform such as Microsoft Lync, you can have real-time, pre-planned surveys. This keeps people engaged and at their desk. Have your questions ready and ask different people to answer questions throughout the webinar frequently. These types of activities make sure people are paying attention. Especially when you announce that you'll be recording the webinar for quality and ways to improve the module for the future. ;)

The bigger issue is clearly understanding the 'why' the perceived culprit acts the way they do and how they get away with it. I found that by working with the person, asking for their input before the event, I can understand more and address any challenges with them. If I want the person to feel 'a part' of the training and 'the solution', I've found success by implementing and complimenting the particular person in class for their input. This may seem as though you're cowing down to the culprit, but I felt as though I needed the entire group to respect the message of the event(s).

Nick Wright

30/8/2016 09:04:52 am

Hi Adam and thanks for the note. Sounds like you have developed some interesting techniques! I agree with your 'why' question in a training group...although it can sometimes be tricky to work out how to address it. A volatile person can be very dominating in a group and have impact on others. I will usually address it in the group, e.g. 'It sounds like you have strong feelings about this...' Often, that is enough. The person feels heard. If the behaviour persists to the detriment of the wider group, I will speak with them directly at coffee break. All the best. Nick

Anne McGuire AMInstLM

30/8/2016 09:08:20 am

Courage, patience, a thick skin and bear training skills;) Seriously though a good post. A challenge not for the faint hearted.

Nick Wright

30/8/2016 09:09:17 am

Thanks Anne. Your 'bear training skills' comment made me laugh! :) All the best. Nick

Ian Hall

31/8/2016 11:13:42 am

I experienced something similar as a student social worker, and I experienced the daily inner turmoil of feeling that I was compromising my integrity as a means of placating a person in a position of greater power. In the end I chose to name the "elephant in the room" and to always project strength even during the times when I didn't necessarily feel it. I learned a lot about myself during this period and the importance of addressing conflict in the early stages as a means to stop it escalating in the future. It's not an easy thing to do but essential in the long term.

Nick Wright

31/8/2016 11:20:16 am

Thanks Ian. I can certainly relate to that experience. I once met with senior leader who needed coaching and mentoring support with serious issues in her group but had a reputation for being a bully. When I proposed a way forward, she became quite aggressive so I stopped the conversation immediately and said I was willing to support her but not willing to accept that behaviour. She looked stunned...then calmed down. We worked together well after that. As trust grew, she became open to look at her tendency to become volatile when frustrated, the impact this had on others and to find more constructive ways of responding. All the best. Nick

Karen Bradley

31/8/2016 11:25:06 am

"Clothes still smoking" - such a great metaphor. Really enjoying reading this discussion, thanks Nick & all

Nick Wright

31/8/2016 11:26:03 am

Thanks Karen. The metaphor felt very real and apt at the time! All the best. Nick

Caroline Bell

1/9/2016 12:19:45 pm

I find that agreeing ground rules at the start of a session can help ie the unwanted behaviour is named before it begins - so it can't be attributed to any one person in particular. By exploring with the group the impact of that behaviour , it can be enough to make others think twice about behaving inappropriately. I agree also that adult:adult behaviour is a must and always seek to check that my own behaviour is appropriate - someone who threatens the success of the group due to poor behaviour does bring out my Parent Child so I try hard to manage myself.

Nick Wright

1/9/2016 12:22:23 pm

Thanks Caroline. I agree that contracting with the group at the outset can be very useful, especially if, as you say, it involves 'exploring with the group the impact of behaviours' rather than just creating a list. This can help create a healthy environment for self and peer-moderation where expectations are clear and agreed. All the best. Nick

Wilma Smith-Leijdekker

1/9/2016 12:23:41 pm

A couple of thoughts on this: firstly, it seems to me that this type of volatile and manipulative person might have something of a psychological disorder. Not that this helps in how to relate to them, but I feel it is important to note.
Secondly, what greatly helped me when faced with such a person in a previous job, is to stand my ground and be aware of my own power and strength. Literally standing up straight, squaring my shoulders and refuse to be bullied, helped a great deal.
TA also helped, in becoming clear in my mind as to what the other person is doing (pushing me into the Child-role) and refusing to go along with that.
These people teach you a lot about your own power, if you look at it that way!

Nick Wright

1/9/2016 12:26:13 pm

Thanks Wilma. I like your way of physically enacting 'adult-adult' behaviour in your posture, stance etc. to reinforce your desired psychological-relational state. I have also role-played scenarios with a coach beforehand so that I'm able to practise and get feedback on my presence, posture, voice, language etc. before entering what could be a difficult conversation. All the best. Nick

Verna Lee Bowen

2/9/2016 09:51:44 am

I won't work with a volatile client.
I also am not a fan of walking on eggshells around someone, so if we cannot establish clear communication during our initial consultation, it's a no-go for me.
If a coaching relationship is already in place but the client suddenly shows another side ... volatile, as you say ... I will address it as soon as I detect it in them. This is a way of providing an open door for them to begin to remove a mask that is potentially a roadblock for them. The aim, after all, is to help them find liberation. If, however, addressing it is met with extreme resistance, I will make it clear that I cannot help them until they allow that block to be removed.
In essence, I believe it comes down to having clear boundaries ourselves.
Hope this is helpful. :)

Nick Wright

2/9/2016 09:53:16 am

Thanks Verna. I agree that contracting (and recontracting, if needed) is so important, including around how the relationship is going to work. That allows both parties involved to make a choice. All the best. Nick

Cheryl Burton

2/9/2016 03:53:36 pm

If walking on eggshells is required perhaps the client needs a counselor and not a coach. As coaches we need to decide if the client is willing and able to cooperate in the process. If someone chooses not to, and the relationship invokes anxiety or stress in the coach, how is any value gained for either party?

Nick Wright

2/9/2016 03:56:08 pm

Thanks Cheryl. Perhaps it depends on how volatile and how frequently the client displays volatile behaviour? I agree with you absolutely that the client must be willing to engage in the process. I also agree the coach needs to make choices in terms of which clients they feel capable of and willing to work with. All the best. Nick

Jayne Harrison

2/9/2016 03:57:33 pm

Great questions raised here - I was reflecting on the feelings I had when I pictured you holding that door knob - I'd held my breath, the tension was palpable. I was wondering how that might have prevented any real connection with the person on the other side of the door? You sounded like you were steadying yourself for a negative interaction; already in threat mode - therefore a self fulfilling prophecy perhaps? As a couple of others have already mentioned, is it about your 'stuff' or theirs? I find thrashing these sort of feelings out with my supervisor to be an immense eye opener. We're only human after all - my button still get pressed now and again, and most likely it comes as a huge surprise too (volatile client or not).
I also wondered about the term volatility - what in the person's life, team, org or system might be creating it? Is it in their awareness? Sometimes asking questions from these different lenses/perspectives, the individual can make their own connections.

Nick Wright

2/9/2016 04:01:13 pm

Hi Jayne and thanks for sharing such great insights. Yes, I believe this is an area where skillful supervision can be critical for wellbeing, learning and professional practice. Good questions about the wider system too - which, for me, can include relationships and culture - and whether this behaviour is in the client's awareness. All the best. Nick

Mel Chew

3/9/2016 07:24:03 pm

Slightly off topic but still problematic trainees ... I myself and am a perfectionist and A+ student so when we have trainees submitting work late consistently or sitting at their desk all day doing nothing and just feel like they don't want to be at work, I find I can't relate! Surely if you're hired for a new job and you're only a month in, you want to make a good impression?

Had the usual any barriers in your way and what can we do to support you etc but they answer for submitting work late (marked not competent) was 'oh I just didn't do it'! ...

I don't want to go down the path of maybe we should hire people in their 30s instead of 20s but has this '20s generational culture' lost their work ethic or not had one to begin with?

Nick Wright

3/9/2016 07:27:02 pm

Hi Mel and thanks for sharing such an interesting personal perspective and angle on this topic. I wonder if the question is something along the lines of, 'What is reasonable to expect from trainees in terms of commitment and standards?' What do you think? All the best. Nick

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