NICK WRIGHT
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Elephants

20/6/2018

46 Comments

 
Picture

'Worthwhile elephants make it real.'

‘Of course.’ I can hear you thinking. ‘Tell us something we don’t already know.’ Or, perhaps – and quite reasonably so – you are wondering what on earth I am talking about. If, by chance, I have spiked your curiosity, let me break it down into 3 parts that form important ingredients of inspiring and effective conversations at work: worthwhile; elephants; make it real. It’s about a degree of focus and quality of contact that can release energy, engender engagement and achieve great results.

First: worthwhile. ‘If we were to be having a really useful conversation, what would we be talking about?’ (Claire Pedrick). ‘What outcome from this conversation will mean our time together will have been well spent?’ Or, ‘First things first – begin with the end in mind.’ (Stephen Covey). The aim here is to clarify goals and aspirations, test implicit assumptions and co-create focus. It addresses the question: ‘Of all the things we could spend time doing together, what would make this valuable?’

Second: elephants. ‘The most valuable thing any of us can do is find a way to say the things that can’t be said.’ (Susan Scott). It’s about naming the proverbial elephants in the room or, in Gestalt, speaking the unspoken, saying the un-said. ‘What are we not talking about that, if we were to talk about it, would release fresh insight and energy in this conversation…and in this relationship too?’ This is an invitation to ‘radical candour’ (Kim Scott), to practise courage, disclosure and openness.
​
Third: make it real. ‘What matters most to you in this?’ It’s about being real…doing real…avoiding an unhelpful, distracting dance around the most important questions and issues in the room. Cultural complexities surface here: how to hold conversations that are open and honest and, at the same time, respectful of different cultural nuances and norms. The core principle here is ‘challenge with support’ (Ian Day & John Blakey): having the conversations we need to have to move things forward.
46 Comments
Vicky Ross
20/6/2018 08:36:42 pm

Ha ha Nick...this is such a good shout!

Reply
Nick Wright
20/6/2018 08:37:06 pm

Thanks Vicky. :)

Reply
Kerstin Jatho
20/6/2018 08:37:48 pm

Thanks that made me laugh out loud!

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Nick Wright
20/6/2018 08:38:22 pm

Hi Kerstin. I take it you mean the cartoon...and not the content of the blog? ;)

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Kerstin Jatho
21/6/2018 09:09:54 am

Yes the cartoon. Apologies for not being clear.

Nick Wright
21/6/2018 09:10:10 am

:)

Martine Bolton
20/6/2018 08:39:13 pm

Brilliant, Nick. As always!

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Nick Wright
20/6/2018 08:39:40 pm

Thanks for your encouraging feedback, Martine - as always too!

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Tara Parker
20/6/2018 08:40:25 pm

"Challenge with support" - that is a great way to put that. Challenging with support has to mean being mindful of how you challenge others, in any environment as a means of preventing the conflict while addressing the matter. Gives me something to think about.
Great post, as usual, Nick.

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Nick Wright
20/6/2018 08:47:01 pm

Thanks Tara. Susan Scott expresses it well in her book, 'Fierce Conversations': 'The challenge is to reconcile being real and doing no harm.' I like how Kim Scott expresses it in her book 'Radical Candor' too: 'Challenging directly and showing you care personally at the same time.' I see strong resonances with biblical notions of grace and truth. It's not always easy. My role model is Jesus..!

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Sarah Phillips
21/6/2018 09:11:57 am

Love this Nick. Thanks.

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Nick Wright
21/6/2018 09:12:28 am

Thanks for such affirming feedback, Sarah.

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Ermelinda RUKA
21/6/2018 09:47:14 am

Hi Nick I could relate my current situation with this and it was really useful, Congrats and Thank you!

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Nick Wright
21/6/2018 09:47:59 am

Thanks Ermelinda. I'm pleased you found it useful! :)

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Gwen Griffith
21/6/2018 09:57:02 am

YES! Thanks Nick.

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Nick Wright
21/6/2018 09:57:22 am

Erm...thanks Gwen!

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Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)
21/6/2018 11:41:58 am

Nick those elephants and the little person in the middle made me chuckle. It seems to me that is sometimes how I/we feel when there is an elephant (or two) in the room - are we aware that this is so, would we prefer to pretend that we can't see anything? After-all an elephant is a large animal (perish the thought if there is more than one in the room) and if it's standing between me and someone else how do we move it? Sometimes we feel anxious - what if we get trampled on? How we respond depends on our relationship with the other person. I remember 'being brave' and mentioning the elephant - after a while the elephant moved to the corner of the room and eventually almost imperceptibly left the room. Both of us needed courage - the relationship deepened. Sometimes it doesn't end well and our flight fight freeze response can get triggered.

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Nick Wright
21/6/2018 11:53:19 am

Thanks Stella and thank you for sharing such a great example of 'working with the elephant'. I really like the way you describe the elephant's position and movement. You reminded me of a Gestalt-inspired experiment I did with a leadership team some years ago. People referred obliquely to an elephant in the room. Rather than asking them to disclose what issue the elephant represented for them, I first asked them curiosity-based l questions such as, 'Where is the elephant?', 'How many elephants are there?', 'Are they all the same shape/size/colour?', 'What is the elephant doing?', 'What is the elephant's mood or intention?', 'Who, if anyone, owns the elephant?', 'Why is it here?' It opened up some fascinating conversation and insights, including concerning significant dynamics in the team that had made talking about elephants difficult and what they could do differently in the future.

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Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)
27/6/2018 08:34:07 am

My pleasure Nick. Glad my example was helpful. Your experiment with a leadership team really resonates with the way that I work with metaphors. I am always amazed at how much insight and depth they can bring. Metaphors can help us to pause and think differently and out of the box of our usual cognitive process. Sometimes things can become unstuck and we are able to see where we are and consider a way forward when we use metaphors. Mostly I work with the metaphors that clients bring but sometimes if I have a picture I may share it if I think it will be helpful.

William C. Hensel
21/6/2018 04:51:38 pm

Thanks, Nick. I found this stimulating and irenic - things I appreciate. I love the Pedrick quote, and will share it with the folks I interact with in our dealership - it's surely part of what we try to do with every conversation--'let's talk about the subject we can agree would lead to the most useful conversation possible.' One other association links your scenario with the widely-known parable of the blind men and the elephant--a metaphor that springs to mind often when I'm engaged in conversations with earnest others--for example, with respect to God. If we listen carefully to one another, we discover things about the elephant that our own senses or point of view or grasp of the subject could not reveal directly; if we persist in seeking to get others to affirm our unique perspective (and grasp of the subject, so to speak), various forms of chaos and entropy ensue. Love, humility, charity, faith, hope are virtues that make that 'matters most' conversation possible and fruitful.

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Nick Wright
22/6/2018 09:43:09 am

Thanks William. I like the way you phrase that, 'Let's talk about the subject we can agree would lead to the most useful conversation possible.' That's an interesting link to the parable of the blind men and elephant too. I agree that the relational and ethical qualities you listed make all the difference, particularly in terms of building trust.

Reply
Josefine Antoniades
22/6/2018 09:38:46 am

Hahah ❤️

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Nick Wright
22/6/2018 09:39:08 am

:)

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Leah Davies M.Ed.
25/6/2018 04:06:59 pm

Love it!

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Nick Wright
25/6/2018 04:07:17 pm

Thanks Leah!

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Lyn Alba de Juárez
26/6/2018 09:32:07 am

Great post!

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Nick Wright
26/6/2018 09:32:44 am

Thanks Lyn. :)

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Jeff Thompson
26/6/2018 09:34:39 am

In a simple and concise manner, this is brilliant advice.

Reply
Nick Wright
26/6/2018 09:36:27 am

Thanks for such encouraging feedback, Jeff.

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Jeanne Schulze
27/6/2018 08:32:08 am

So simple yet so incredibly hard to do. Ty, Nick!

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Nick Wright
27/6/2018 08:32:30 am

Thanks Jeanne. I agree.

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Mervyn Murray
27/6/2018 08:35:18 am

Nick....this is insightful and thought-provoking...thank you.

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Nick Wright
27/6/2018 08:35:42 am

Thanks Mervyn. You're welcome.

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Jill Sage MSc
28/6/2018 10:59:02 am

Yeaaaaasss 🤗🤗🤗

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Nick Wright
28/6/2018 11:01:12 am

Thanks Jill. I take it that is a sign of approval. :)

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Jill Sage MSc
29/6/2018 10:18:10 am

Yes Nick, most definitely a sign of approval... authentic relationships are the ONLY relationships worth engaging in as far as I’m concerned!

Lisa Brochey
28/6/2018 10:59:29 am

Excellent, Mr. Wright!

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Nick Wright
28/6/2018 11:01:48 am

Thank you, Ms Brochey!

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Marie Dilly
28/6/2018 10:59:56 am

Thank you for this post. It’s echoing with letting the ego dying to reveal the true self...

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Nick Wright
28/6/2018 11:03:13 am

Hi Marie. You're welcome. That sounds intriguing: 'The ego dying to reveal the true self.' Can you say more?

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Beth Berman
28/6/2018 11:05:14 am

Love your post Worthwhile elephants make it real. Especially the cartoon!

Reply
Nick Wright
28/6/2018 11:06:34 am

Thanks Beth! Yes, it made me smile too. :)

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Jenni Franz
29/6/2018 10:15:47 am

Great post. Agree with Marie Dilly. About showing the real authentic self and not letting outside influences and conditioning prevail.

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Nick Wright
29/6/2018 10:17:07 am

Thanks Jenni. I'm curious about this notion of 'an authentic self', separate from outside influences and conditions. Can you say more?

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Steve Hearsum
29/6/2018 04:47:40 pm

Not sure I have one 'authentic self' - I experience myself as being different depending on role, context, mood, intention.... It also presupposes that I know myself too be truly authentic (whatever that is). To be honest, experience a kind of tyranny in the language around authenticity. The more often I hear the word used, the less authenticity i sometimes experience. Add to thay, I experience myself mostly through ralationships with others. So my self is not an isolated authentic self, if it is indeed authentic....

...I think I have just vanished in a puff of my own pseudophilosophical gibberish.

Reply
Nick Wright
29/6/2018 04:54:56 pm

Hi Steve. You expressed that better than I could manage it myself...and I think what you are saying is similar to how I see it/myself too. Vivien Burr poses an interesting challenge to the notion of 'self' in her excellent book, An Introduction to Social Constructionism' - proposing that self is itself a social construct. Our notion of self influences our experience of self and what sense we try to make of it, e.g. vis a vis authenticity, consistency, congruence, dissonance etc. It challenges the felt cultural need to discover ourselves (as if there is an essential self to discover) or, perhaps, to reconcile our different experiences of ourselves. Your final comment made me laugh...and I think I may have just vanished that way too! :)

Reply



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    ​Nick Wright

    ​I'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? ​Get in touch!

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