 Anita asked during a coach training workshop this week if it’s appropriate to address emotion in coaching. After all, isn’t that stepping too far into a person’s personal space or risking a drift into therapy? Curious, I asked which dimension of the issue she was feeling most concerned about. Anita replied that she felt anxious about straying into what could feel like a counselling relationship. If she did, she said, she would feel both out of her depth and as if she had breached a professional boundary. I paused, then asked if it had felt inappropriate when I posed that question to her, or if she had felt compromised in how she answered it. She looked up, smiled and said, ‘No.’
Another coaching workshop and Brian, a colleague, was introducing reflecting back as a core skill. One participant looked increasingly frustrated and eventually blurted out, ‘You call this a skill but it’s like playing a game with someone, using techniques on them rather than holding a real and respectful conversation.’ Brian listened then responded calmly, ‘So, reflecting back feels to you like toying with someone, and that clashes with your value for authenticity.’ 'Yes – that’s it exactly!’ he replied with a burst of positive energy that took everyone in the room by surprise. After a brief moment, he and everyone else broke out in fits of laughter. ‘OK, now I get it.’ The principle here is that of modelling an idea, an approach, a method or a technique, rather than simply describing or explaining it. There’s something about experiencing that can feel profoundly and qualitatively different to understanding a concept purely intellectually. This insight lays at the heart of Gestalt coaching and experiential learning. It’s primarily about doing, not thinking, and seeing what emerges into awareness when we do it. I worked with a leadership team that agreed a set of and behaviours to govern its practice. It looked neat on flipchart paper but its potential for transformation didn’t emerge until they grasped the nettle and practised it. What have been your best examples of learning by experience? How do you model this principle in your work with others?
18 Comments
Michelle Thompson
20/1/2021 02:33:30 pm
Thank you Nick. This was a very helpful read.
Nick Wright
20/1/2021 02:34:19 pm
Thanks for the encouraging feedback, Michelle. You’re welcome. 😃
Krista Washbourne
20/1/2021 04:24:12 pm
There is NOTHING better than experience to teach and learn! But I would also argue that if you know nothing, you can also continue to practice with job aids when the experience needs to continue.
Nick Wright
20/1/2021 05:06:19 pm
Hi Krista and thank you for sharing such a great example from personal experience. You reminded me of parallel principles in delegation, e.g. as a line-manager or mentor:
Rob Freestone
20/1/2021 05:03:46 pm
Hi Nick, really good, thought provoking article. Funnily enough I was going to get in touch with you as I have recently been reflecting on my career journey to date and the path I have been on. There was one particular experience from my time at Tearfund that has shaped what I do now (and continue to love doing). You may remember putting me forward to host the annual Staff Conference which, at the time filled me with dread but it was definitely a crucial stepping stone into delivering training. Without that experience I doubt I would have gone down this path so a huge thank you to you for that! I totally agree with the value of experiential learning and always ensure that there is plenty of space for this on the courses I run. There has been a challenge recently trying to ensure participants still get that same level of experiential learning in the virtual delivery workshops I run but the use of breakout rooms and interactive whiteboards has helped to ensure that whilst we are unable to be face to face we can still experience as we learn. The very experience of having to adapt to the training in the virtual arena is one that will stand us all in good stead in our ever changing society going forward. I hope all is well with you.
Nick Wright
20/1/2021 05:25:12 pm
Hi Rob. Great to hear from you and I'm pleased to hear what a pivotal moment that was for you at Tearfund in your career journey. I guess it was a combination of me encouraging and proposing you do to it because I saw that talent and potential in you...and you being willing and courageous enough to step forward and take the chance.
Aaron DeSha
20/1/2021 11:29:23 pm
Persevering through grim circumstances and truly practicing faith when there are no answers on the horizon is my example.
Nick Wright
21/1/2021 09:46:57 am
Hi Aaron. That sounds like a great example of role-modelling 'doing', and not just thinking about. A hope dealer - what a great calling!
Andrew Reynolds
20/1/2021 11:30:15 pm
Very good, quick read. I think the challenge is to intentionally NOT pursue greater philosophical insights until one has gathered enough practical application until they have not only seen an idea in practice, but done it enough times to see how often it fails. We can't just hang up our mental cleats after hitting a home run at our first "at bat".
Nick Wright
21/1/2021 09:51:35 am
Hi Andrew and thank you for your encouraging feedback. 'We can't just hang up our mental cleats after hitting a home run at our first bat' sounds like a great philosophical insight to me! :)
Ian Henderson
21/1/2021 11:05:45 am
As always Nick, a very insightful and interesting piece for which I thank you.
Nick Wright
21/1/2021 11:14:39 am
Hi Ian. Thank you, as always, for your affirming feedback. You are one of the excellent trainers I know who walks the talk, models experiential practice and engages participants in doing it too.
Clare Jarvis
25/1/2021 04:42:04 am
Experiencing something directly in a way that impacts our emotions whilst bypassing our intellect is something that is undervalued in today's science driven world. Best example I saw of this was during my counselling training when I saw a sample session during which a lady was talking about problems in her relationship with her new partner. It was obvious from what was being said that he was still an outsider in the family, and my lecturer said "I'm just going to show you something," she then turned her chair around and began talking to the client with her back to her. She said "How does this make you feel, when I'm talking to you like this? Does it make you feel like helping me, particularly?"
Nick Wright
25/1/2021 04:48:16 am
Hi Clare and thank you for sharing such a great example of the power of experiencing from your counselling training. I would be intrigued to hear what impact it had on the person who was the client; how he or she felt; what difference it made?
Madeline Faiella
31/1/2021 09:56:24 pm
Experience + wisdom = results.
Nick Wright
31/1/2021 09:57:28 pm
Hi Madeline. Lack of experience and lack of wisdom also produces results - but not always the results we hope for..!
Chaz R
31/1/2021 09:58:29 pm
My best example is when I research a juijitsu move like escaping a certain pin(hold)and when I actually attempt to implement that move in actual sparring at the gym the next day, it almost never works, until I revist the theory, or ask a senior practitioner, and then attempt that move again and again, which may take months or years.
Nick Wright
31/1/2021 10:04:33 pm
Hi Chaz. Thank you for sharing such a great example from Jujitsu. Yes, the experience of engaging in actual martial arts is very different to observing or reading about it. I remember watching The Legend of Bruce Lee on Netflix and being struck (if you will excuse the metaphor) by his insistence on practising and experiencing actual martial arts if we are to perfect it. On that theme, you may find this short piece interesting? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/re-enter-the-dragon Leave a Reply. |
Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! 
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