Great expectations

21/3/2018

‘Expectation is a belief that is centred on the future.’ (Wiki)

You may recall the now-famous words of Tom Peters: ‘It is better to under-promise and over-deliver than to over-promise and under-deliver.’ It’s a bit like the parable in Matthew’s gospel: a man has two sons and asks them do something. One says ‘No’ and does it; the other says ‘Yes’ and doesn’t. It signals that expectation is linked to relationship – and trust. If we expect something to happen, it’s as if, for us, it will happen. If it doesn’t, we may experience surprise, disappointment or relief.

Relief, of course, because it’s possible to expect the worst as well as the best. If our fears are unjustified, we call this catastrophizing. Conversely, if our hopes are unfounded, we call it naivety. Both indicate a disconnect between what is imagined and what is real – although we may not be aware of it at the time. That said, our expectations may be entirely realistic, based on firm predictability. Such expectations represent promise, certainty and, where positive, hope.

If our hopes and expectations are high and fulfilled, it can increase our sense of satisfaction, delight and confidence for the future. If not, we are likely to feel frustrated, hurt or disillusioned – and to lose trust. This is why, instead of aiming high, some parents, teachers or managers encourage their children, pupils or staff to ‘lower their expectations’. The intention is to reduce stress by avoiding the risk of disappointment. (This raises interesting questions vis a vis managing customer expectations!)

Alternatively, we may take positive steps to increase the probability of high expectations being met. We may pray hard, sign binding contracts, plan in detail, identify and address critical success factors, prepare contingencies, mitigate the effects of sub-optimal performance etc. Or, psychologically, we may practise mindfulness, increase resilience, learn to handle expectations and disappointments differently. As leader, OD or coach, how do you handle expectations and enable others to do so too?

46 Comments

David Head

21/3/2018 08:54:07 pm

Very good question Nick and thought provoking piece. Unhelpful and unrealistic expectations are a source of much grief. One answer surely lies in letting go of very specific expectations and focusing more on the effort and the process. Rather like a tennis player focusing on each individual point ratter than the end goal. Interesting that educational psychologists now encourage parents to focus our encouragement on effort rather than attainment of 'results' these days and I can see why. Apparently constant praise and often leads to low self esteem. So my message to coaching clients is, like the tennis player, focus on specific objectives, enjoy the journey and the end goal will look after itself. Believe it or not Roger Federer had to conquer these demons and serious temper tantrums before he became the player and the man he is today. #theinnergameoftennis!

Nick Wright

21/3/2018 09:04:35 pm

Thanks David. Yes, the psychology of expectation is interesting and important. Your comments about effort and process reminded me of, many years ago, working with a team of social workers. Their philosophy was that they were, as far as possible, to do the 'right thing' according to their ethics and theories of change...and to worry less about focusing primarily on outcomes - especially as the outcomes they hoped for were dependent on so many factors outside of the control of the social workers themselves. In that sense, their approach resonated with your 'the end goal will look after itself'. To be honest, I'm still not sure if I entirely agree. I guess it's because I believe some outcomes are so important that I will determine to do whatever it takes to achieve them...even if on the face of it they appear to be out of reach...albeit within an appropriate ethical framework. Does that make sense?

22/3/2018 11:55:45 am

Yes it does make sense and I can see why in certain mission critical situations this is the right approach. A surgeon removing a brain tumour has only one thing in mind for example. In corporate life though, some of the best leaders seem to park thinking too much about the big prize (CEO by the age of 49 for example) and just throw themselves into the day to day activities with real energy and commitment. It’s not that they have forgotten their longer term goals but rather the flow they achieve sweeps them along, without too many distractions. I doubt Federer allows himself to be disgraced by his grand slam tally during matches, but that does not mean he has forgotten.

Martine Bolton

21/3/2018 09:05:25 pm

Expectations are mightily powerfuI, and we do seem to get what we expect. I heard once that the greatest determinant of a child's educational success is the expectations of the parents, and have been putting out a similar message in leadership and management training for years, that employees will tend to live up or down to their managers' expectations of them. I recently heard the terms 'Pygmalion & Golem Effect' to describe this phenomenon. It's good to put a name to something... seems to give it more credence!

Thought provoking as always Nick.

21/3/2018 09:15:10 pm

Thanks Martine. I always find your responses thought-provoking too. Incidentally, I too heard that same expression recently! I think it's true that sometimes people will live up (or down) to what they perceive of significant others' expectations of them. I think it's also true that sometimes people will, in effect, rebel against others' expectations and do something like the opposite.

Your reflections on a child's educational success reminded me of a colleague who commented that her parents tried never to place expectations on her at school because they didn't want her to feel pressured. However, in spite of their good intentions, she experienced it as a lack of interest in and concern about her aspirations, achievements and future.

That makes me think about how valuable it can be to surface and have open conversations about expectations and the beliefs, values and assumptions that may lay behind them. What do you think?

22/3/2018 12:17:42 pm

Great points Nick, and yes - tendencies are probably like generalisations in that they're not true of every person (or situation), but are perhaps true of more than they're not true of!

The word 'expectations' carries a bit of a warning feeling to me (especially if we're talking about our expectations of others). Whilst we will probably all have certain expectations of others (and I agree that in some scenarios these are best made clear/explicit rather than simply hoped for), I think caution is required not to be too directive or controlling. As with so many things in life, balance is the key :)

I guess there's a place too for the sharing of the beliefs, values and assumptions that sit behind the expectations, for example where the WHYs might not be obvious to someone.

Razi Ghaemmagham Farahani

21/3/2018 09:16:41 pm

Expectation is not a belief. it is imposed requirement from out side into the self. it also can be self imposed one which again is as result of adoptaion into the living enviornment.

21/3/2018 09:17:54 pm

Hi Razi and thanks for posing an interesting challenge. I'm curious: do you have any examples you could share to illustrate your points?

Richard Simpson

22/3/2018 11:13:39 am

Another thought-provoking post, Nick. It made me think of my own struggle with expectations. My parents had no or few expectations of me. I therefore developed in a certain way, following my nose as it were, happy to explore what interested me without pressure. The shadow to that was later when I developed tremendous anxiety when others had high expectations of me. I fell foul of the low expectation/high delivery analogy on a couple of occasions when clients thought I wasn't fully committed to the outcome they desired. This led to great difficulties for me as relationships strained to breaking point. 'Great Expectations' - especially where someone has power to judge and punish/reward you - are extremely stressful. I don't think I would have lasted two minutes at Apple under Steve Jobs, for example. Like everything in life, we have to strike a balance. Sometimes the human cost of delivering expectations is too high a price to pay. I always feel uncomfortable about all this Excellence nonsense quite simply because 'Not Excellence' is the norm and if we set the bar too high we burn out our (human) resources. At the other end of the spectrum, where expectations are too low or non-existent, it creates 'The Cosy Club'. That's where my childhood was and I'm still trying to get back there!

22/3/2018 11:52:25 am

Hi Richard and thanks for such a fantastically honest and personal response. I once started work in a role and organisation where it transpired very quickly that there was a serious mismatch of expectations. By the end of the third day, I remember standing over the sink in the bathroom taking deep breaths. I felt so incredibly stressed and pressured by my new boss' demands that I wondered if and how I would survive. It taught me a very serious lesson in terms of sharing, inquiring and testing assumptions before entering into an agreement or contract. At other times, I'm aware that I have stressed myself by placing unreasonable expectations on myself. We are complex human beings...and this is where I find coaching and supervision - and honest friends - so helpful!

Rob Abbott

22/3/2018 11:42:47 am

Have you ever been in a queue where a time to be seen/time to get to the front has been set? Well the chances are that you have had your expectations set for you - fun fairs use this: 20 minutes from this point - even though they know it will only be 15. You become excited that you got to the front quickly. And who sets a plane's arrival time? Think on that the next time RyanAir play the triumphant music when arriving "on time".

22/3/2018 11:43:15 am

Hi Rob. That's a clever use of psychology of expectation to delight the customer..!

Vicky Routledge

22/3/2018 12:15:56 pm

So true, thanks Nick

22/3/2018 12:16:26 pm

Thanks Vicky. You're welcome. :)

Ian Brownlee

22/3/2018 12:19:17 pm

Expectations are also formed or conditioned by; context, role, prior knowledge &/or experience, social norms, education and so on. All too often, the expectations are unmet which can result in unwarrented criticism. Frequently, it appears that other people expect US to read THEIR minds about what THEY expect from us - without specifically telling us their expectations- and then feel bad because their expectations were not me. The simple solution is: Tell what you expect beforehand and we will see what happens!

22/3/2018 12:50:34 pm

Hi Ian. That's a very good reason for surfacing underlying assumptions and clarifying expectations explicitly when contracting. In my experience, sometimes clients are unclear about their own expectations until we enable them to work that through at the outset.

Stella Goddard BA (Hons) Registered MBACP (Accred)

22/3/2018 12:52:49 pm

Another thought provoking post Nick - Thank you. I reflect with my clients on their expectations of therapy and their best hopes from it - sometimes they have a very clear sense of what that might look like. At other times expectations are less clear and may include 'feeling better' and 'happier.' We reflect on what this might look like and whether their expectations are realistic. We look closely too at clients' expectations of themselves and other people.

22/3/2018 12:57:05 pm

Hi Stella and thank you for your encouraging feedback. Yes, I'm aware that sometimes we don't know consciously what our expectations are until they are met or exceeded...or unmet and disappointed, in which case we may feel them rather than think them, so to speak. I think 'whether expectations are realistic' raises all sorts of interesting questions. It's good that you discuss expectations explicitly.

Srihari Balasubramaniam

24/3/2018 02:24:08 pm

Nick good topic..as they say major disappointments in life are because of misplaced expectations that most of us have..in fact since I am a student of Indic spirituality, in the spiritual realm expectations and materialistic desires are the root cause of major human suffering..that path is all about shunning and letting go yet doing your duty or dharma in a detached fashion..it's difficult..but in that path that's what one seeks .

24/3/2018 02:28:18 pm

Hi Srihari. Yes, I too have the sense that expectations are often the root cause of human suffering. It's one reason why therapeutic approaches such as Mindfulness and Acceptance Commitment Therapy have become so popular in the West. We seem to have created such high expectations of life culturally that we have lost sense of perspective and resilience.

Elly Taylor

24/3/2018 02:29:27 pm

With unrealistic expectations of parenthood contributing to postpartum depression and anxiety, we gently dispel them in our Becoming Us classes and replace them with more helpful expectations.

24/3/2018 02:30:16 pm

Hi Elly. I'm curious. Do you have any case examples from 'Becoming Us' that you could share?

Digby Barker

24/3/2018 05:27:11 pm

Hi Nick: in order to know which of Tom Peters' 2 strategies one is adopting it is crucial to have undertaken a good Risk Analysis. I find the latter is also the key to handling my own expectations and is what I draw on in enabling others to do so.

24/3/2018 05:28:24 pm

Hi Digby. I'm not sure I understand. Do you have any examples from practice to illustrate it?

27/3/2018 01:30:25 pm

Maybe I've misunderstood the particular point behind your question ("...how do you handle expectations and enable others to do so too?") so the following may be too simplistic but my experience is that plans tend to be 'optimistic' (= expectations tend to be unrealistic) to the extent that no risk analysis has been done and/or then relevant mitigation actions have been incorporated into the plan.

27/3/2018 01:32:37 pm

Ah - thanks Digby. That makes sense! I guess there's always a tension between plans and aspirations that call for stretch, imagination and innovation and those that are completely unrealistic and unattainable.

Barbara Whitney

26/3/2018 01:39:29 pm

In my professional work, expectations are a balance of building relationships using tools that clarify mutual understanding of expectations and also by building trust that each person will follow-through with their commitment. For example, a consultant's SOW states the purpose, clarifies roles, identify tasks and resources required and then the deliverables. During the consultancy, there are tweaks or changes that take place between the client and consultant because there are assumptions that changed during the time frame and impacts expectations. When I worked full time for a non-profit organization, the PMS included 3 coaching sessions annually so the employee and supervisor can make these adjustments. It also resembles action research where a set of tasks bring results that lead to next steps. Those steps cannot be determined until after these actions take place and stakeholders reflect collectively on how to apply what they learned centered on the future.

26/3/2018 01:44:54 pm

Hi Barbara. That sounds like a great approach to me. I like your emphasis on tools, relationships, contracting and review.

Harout Nercessian

27/3/2018 09:47:02 am

Why don't you also address the issue of addressing others' expectations - family, friends, colleagues, bosses. Aligning their expectations with what you are prepared to deliver will help prevent future conflicts.

27/3/2018 09:47:54 am

Hi Harout. I think you just did..!

Julie Johnson

27/3/2018 09:51:15 am

A twist on this, but as a coach I find that often coachees have unspoken, sometimes conscious and sometimes unconscious expectations of others. As such, they are often disappointed. One example is the following: that someone 'expects' certain behaviors and performance from another simply because they hold a certain position (whether or not that person is willing or capable of doing what is 'expected').

27/3/2018 09:52:55 am

Hi Julie. I think that's a great example of where working with clients to handle theirs and others' expectations can be so valuable.

Neill Hahn

28/3/2018 09:09:59 am

Another great article to ponder, thanks Nick. I see expectation as the emotion- ruler or measuring stick that we assess our lives by. One of its joys & traps is that we get to add the points to it that we measure by. We live the life that we measure. A client of mine was upset that a family court judge thought that he had a mental health problem, because he discussed it with his ex wife in court. I looked at the court documents to show him he had assessed it backwards. The judge was actually challenging the wife's view of my client & manouvering her to state on record that she had no evidence to support her view. So my client saw a win as a loss because he only measured life (generally) in degrees of loss, so he expected the world to be against him. And it met his measure. In carprks, my wife always parks in the sun because she expects to; I always park in the shade for the same reason (Australia, hot).

28/3/2018 09:16:20 am

Hi Neill and thank you for sharing such profound and useful insights. I really like your measuring stick and assigning points metaphors. Thanks for sharing such a great example too. It reminds me of selective attention and confirmation bias - we see what we expect to see. I like the link to habitual behaviours too - we do what we expect to do, albeit - often - subconsciously. Having said that, I will aim to park in the sun today (UK, cold!).

Rey Misoles, CPC

28/3/2018 07:55:59 pm

If there's mutual trust, it makes the work much easier. I would rather be clear on both reciprocal expectations than walk in the dark. It ensures that the rules of the game are not changed while the game is played. Or at least discussed openly and both parties reach an agreement.

28/3/2018 07:57:53 pm

Hi Rey. Well said. I think you illustrate well the value of clear and explicit contracting.

John (Norval) Settle

29/3/2018 12:14:47 pm

All very interesting and thorny -- but (or "and" if you prefer) the simple fact is that a big part of building trust in the workplace, and setting a baseline for accountability, is setting clear expectations -- a basic responsibility of managers/supervisors and, to be successful, one that should be done in consultation with employees.

29/3/2018 12:25:10 pm

Hi John. In my experience, it is both simple and complex. Setting expectations is different to, say, surfacing, negotiating and navigating expectations - especially since expectations are often implicit and subconscious; vary between different people, groups and cultures in different situations and at different times; touch on deeply held beliefs, values, social-psychological contracts etc.

30/3/2018 01:36:35 pm

You are quite right in the larger sense of "expectations," Nick. However, in organizations, practicality demands that we do our very best at defining what we can of performance expectations. And in relation to the "complexity" issue, the practical best depends on clarity, assuring that both an employee and his/her boss are as clear as practicality allows on what's expected and how it is measured. "Complexity" can't be the end of the colloquy, and must be subservient to best efforts to define agreed-upon standards.

30/3/2018 01:39:00 pm

Thanks John. Yes, I think we are in agreement on 'clarity' and 'what we can'. I would add, where possible, 'and reach agreement'.

Dr Ranjit Manghnani

3/4/2018 09:41:08 am

How do you handle low expectations. As a Coach I experience this mostly from minority ethnic members?

3/4/2018 09:41:37 am

Hi Ranjit. I am intrigued. Say more..?

John Miller

3/4/2018 09:42:47 am

I have found that an individuals expectations of what they want to achieve can sometimes be over powered by the ability of that person to actually achieve.
The meaning being that it is not within the possibilities to achieve their goal but by setting small goals to then move towards that final goal.
The phase "Setting yourself up to fail" favorite of many however I believe we can learn through failure but it it comes back round to the individuals understanding of a Realistic Expectation of their goal against an unrealistic expectation to achieve.
Great question and has made me think of how I deal with my on expectations.

3/4/2018 09:49:43 am

Thanks John. I think that touches on the heart of the challenge of how to help clients manage their expectations. It raises interesting wider cultural questions about where expectations come from too.

Anuraag Surany Raman

22/11/2018 11:25:34 am

So true.. expectations - that of self and others has been one of the toughest for me to manage. I've often experienced a lot of stress due to my expectations , some practical while some have been unrealistic.

22/11/2018 11:27:01 am

Hi Anuraag. Thank you for such an honest response. I have experienced this too..!