Loss

7/6/2016

It can be one of the most painful of human experiences, especially if compounded by rejection or betrayal. But why is loss so difficult, whether it be loss of a person, a relationship, a job, a home, our health? Thinking back, I remember vividly when I heard the news of Princess Diana’s death. I have never been a royalist and had no interest whatsoever in the UK royal family. Yet still, somehow, I felt an odd sense of grief, of bereavement, that made no rational sense to me at all.

Susie Orbach, a psychotherapist and writer who applies psychodynamic insights to social and political phenomena, explained this well. Although I had no relationship with Diana, she had nevertheless been part of the backdrop, the fabric, of my life so that when she died, it felt like something of that fabric had been lost, torn away. The subconscious effect of this was amplified and intensified by the social, cultural effects of experiencing that loss alongside others.

At another level, this feeling of loss also echoed deeply with previous losses in my life, e.g. when I moved home as a child, when I lost a precious relationship. These combined insights enabled me to understand that Diana’s death carried symbolic significance (some part of my life would never be the same again) and psychological resonance (echoes of previous experiences of loss). I’ve learned that these same dynamics are present when working with people, teams and organisations too.

So, if you’re a leader leading change, an OD practitioner facilitating groups through transition, a coach enabling a person to move deeper and move forward: look out for loss – sometimes masked as resistance, sometimes as denial, sometimes as loss of energy and hope. You can’t always know or predict what change may represent symbolically or trigger psychologically. Be present, be patient and be willing to persevere until the person, the group, is able to see and feel light again.

103 Comments

Suman

7/6/2016 05:36:52 pm

Losses are also perceived. What is a loss might turn into a windfall gain later on in life..

Nick Wright

7/6/2016 06:24:09 pm

Thanks for the note, Suman. Yes, sometimes what is experienced as 'loss' can be reframed and re-evaluated so that it holds a different meaning and significance. Sometimes, a person is only able to reflect in this way in retrospect, or when the pain of loss has subsided enough to be in the mental and emotional place to do it. Does that resonate with your experience too? All the best. Nick

David Snelders. ATD, DISC

7/6/2016 06:17:22 pm

Great article Nick. I help people through the stages of bereavement, seeing clients that have been told by their managers, " you must be over it by now" or isn't it about time you pulled yourself together". A week after the death of a partner, a person dear to them. So yes, people in general will react differently to a loss, if it's a home, a person, a pet. These can stir so many different emotions that can, and do sometimes have such an adverse effect on their behavior and thought processes, that people see this as hostile or irrational. Whatever the loss, be kind and supportive at least make yourself available should the need be there for each other. One day, you may need the support and kindness yourself.

Nick Wright

7/6/2016 06:29:55 pm

Thanks David. I can certainly recognise what you have described here. Sometimes, it's because leaders and managers have already worked through the change and its implications ahead of communicating it to staff. At other times, its because the change has different implications for leaders/managers and staff. Sometimes, it's because change triggers different people and different responses in different people which can leave managers feeling nervous or confused. I agree that kindness, support and availability are so important. It's tempting for leaders and managers to withdraw and hide behind closed doors when change is communicated for fear of reactions or their ability to handle the reactions. I always encourage leaders to stay close to staff, to simply be there and listen, even if their instinct is to run away! All the best. Nick

Deepali Shah (MA, MSc, MA, CIPD)

7/6/2016 06:19:09 pm

Thank you for the share Nick. Impressively written and interwoven on multiple layers of both the personal and professional life!

Nick Wright

7/6/2016 06:31:25 pm

Thank you for your kind and encouraging feedback, Deepali. I do appreciate it! All the best. Nick

Martin Birt

8/6/2016 07:46:09 pm

I don't know what kind of news profile that the wild fires in Northern Alberta had in the U.K. or the U.S. The fires caused the evacuation of more than 80,000 people from Fort McMurray and disruption of business and jobs. This motivated me to write tis piece for the Financial Post on how employers can prepare for tragedy and loss: http://business.financialpost.com/executive/leadership/employers-should-have-plans-in-place-for-tragedies-like-the-fort-mcmurray-fires?__lsa=5149-d3cd

David Snelders. ATD, DISC

8/6/2016 07:47:06 pm

Martin, an excellent article, one which I will be using along side of Nicks which really demonstrates how much more employers can do to show support and understanding for their employees. It's just a shame, that so many companies, still don't realize the impact and devastation an event can have on an individual's mental health. Let's hope more will be done to support those that need it. Thank you for sharing.

Nick Wright

8/6/2016 07:51:06 pm

Hi Martin and thanks for posting the link to your article. It reminded me of an experience in one UK organisation where a person died at work. The following week, staff were invited to attend her funeral, immediately after which they all returned to their desks and carried on working. A Kenyan colleague commented to me afterwards that she was shocked, upset and bemused by this. 'Don't they realise what has happened? This woman, this precious woman, this special colleague had died - and we will never see her again - and yet we can all carry on as if nothing has happened!' Sometimes it takes someone from a different culture to point out that which becomes invisible and unnoticed in our own culture. All the best. Nick

Hrishikesh Dharvatker

10/6/2016 09:27:04 am

Wonderful article Nick. Regards Hrishikesh

Nick Wright

10/6/2016 09:27:54 am

Thank you for your heart-warming feedback, Hrishikesh. All the best. Nick

Liza Oxford-Booth

10/6/2016 09:28:41 am

They also need to recognise when they need to refer someone for specialist help. Not everyone is a counsellor and shouldn't try to be one. It can do more damage than good if not handled properly.

Nick Wright

10/6/2016 09:33:21 am

Hi Liza and thanks for the note. Yes, that's an important point - knowing our limitations and boundaries. When working in situations where people face loss, I think it can be useful to look out 3 x Ss: stuckness, spiralling or sickness. If any of these occur or persist, the person may need counselling or similar support. All the best. Nick

Yuvarajah Thiagarajah

10/6/2016 09:35:09 am

Fully agreed. However, the question is, how long does it have to last. What is a reasonable time frame to mourn the loss and hang unto whatever baggage tied to it. No matter what the loss is, life has to go on and only be lived forward. We all have emotions, both positive and negative, that shape our thoughts and behaviours. The problem arises when we allow our negative emotions to overule and form barriers and excuses to change. We have to capitalize on positive psychology, in moving forward towards happiness.

Nick Wright

10/6/2016 09:41:02 am

Hi Yuvarajah and thanks for the note. Yes, it's true that sometimes people can feel overwhelmed by feelings arising from loss and that this can, at times, lead to unhelpful behaviours. My sense is that we need to pay attention to what people need at different stages of their own journey as they work through the loss. This will be different for different people, partly for the reasons I outined in this blog. You may find this summary of guidance from Rosabeth Moss-Kanter interesting: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/change-leadership-principles Let me know what you think? All the best. Nick

Liza Oxford-Booth

10/6/2016 09:41:59 am

Everyone is different so everyone's situation needs to be considered individually. There is no 'one size fits all solution' .

Nick Wright

10/6/2016 09:44:42 am

Thanks Liza. I agree - while there are general principles we can adopt when leading and facilitating change and transition (see Rosabeth Moss-Kanter's work in note to Yuvarajah above), in a real situation we need to consider what individual people need. In my experience, this will be different for different people and at difference stages of the process. Does that connect with your experience too? All the best. Nick

Liza Oxford-Booth

10/6/2016 10:46:18 am

Absolutely Nick. Take the grieving cycle as an example of a process people go through to adapt to change and loss. No two people will go through this cycle at the same speed. For instance, some will get stuck in the anger stage and others in the denial stage. In employment it is almost expected that people will be back to work within two weeks of a death of a loved one - but I would have to ask 'are they really functioning as they were before the death?' And 'what stage of the cycle are they operating in?' We need this sort of information to work with the person at the point they are at. Not the point we want them to be.

Nick Wright

10/6/2016 10:51:36 am

Thanks Liza. Your reflections make we wonder how different cultures deal with loss in the workplace. In the UK, it can often feel like we compartmentalise ourselves and, the more a person is able to do this, the more they are considered strong or professional. Expressions such as, 'He doesn't allow his feelings to interfere with his work' (as an affirming comment) or 'She has a good work-life balance' (as if work and life are separate and distinct experiences) reflect and reinforce this perspective and practice. What do you think? All the best. Nick

Liza Oxford-Booth

10/6/2016 11:38:26 am

Sadly I do agree. Compartmentalising is a short term coping mechanism - the problem doesn't go away it just gets parked up until something triggers it and boom, it bites the sufferer on the butt. Not usually with positive consequences - especially if it has been parked for many years. The person may not be able to identify with what they are feeling and what it is linked to.
I read a scary statistic this week that 1 in 6 employees are suffering with stress and mental health issues. If leaders are not creating an environment where it is ok to 'not be strong' then it is no wonder there is so much workplace stress.
A BBC article states: There is currently no legal requirement for employers to provide paid leave to those in mourning. Workers have a right to "reasonable" time off after an "emergency involving a dependant". A government website suggests that often "one or two days should be enough". Apparently even across the UK viewpoints are different, let alone the rest of the world!

Hemant R. Chalke

10/6/2016 10:40:55 am

Very beautiful thought Nick. Luv what Susie says. Experienced the same feelings for some losses i had to go thru, as you did for Di, but dint know why. Guess yes, its a fabric around us that gets pulled. We used to deal with hundreds of new employees arriving from all over Asia. So it was obvious the loss of the warmth of a home n family was there all around on the first day. Some smiled n coped up with it n some gave up n resigned the very first day n some kept just silent.

Our team was trained to identify such cases so I cud deal with them thru counselling alongwith a colleague Lyn, who was our Welfare n Employee Engagement Manager. We made sure that Lyn entered the classroom before anyone and ran a Welfare Induction where the guys know that there is a motherly figure n hotlines etc which they can use if they feel like 24x7. It worked great. Even sometime we had passing away of a dear one or someone sick or met with an accident of someone from the new under-training group. We dealt the same way n did whatever we cud from giving him a ticket to go home or just talk over the phone.

The accommodation officers were trained too to identify signs of depression in new arrivals,so that they were brought forth quietly. We then used to nominate a senior employee from the same nationality to approach n investigate n let Lyn n me know about it for further action. Always felt good to see people smiling again n satisfied with what was done at the end.

Nick Wright

10/6/2016 10:44:56 am

Hi Hemant. Thanks for your kind feedback and for sharing such a heart-warming example of an organisation and team that took supporting people through transition so seriously, especially for people moving to different geographical locations and between different cultures. Sounds like a very compassionate and effective approach to supporting people through change. All the best. Nick

Pamina Mullins

10/6/2016 02:15:43 pm

Well put Nick Wright - and loss can come in so many forms. Living in a developing country, with constantly shifting socio-economic dynamics, I deal with this a lot. Almost everyone I see carries the knock on symptoms of loss, but they don't realize this is what it is. I think it would be so much more useful if we focused more on the ripple effects of loss than isolating symptoms like denial or depression.

Nick Wright

10/6/2016 02:24:55 pm

Thanks Pamina - and for sharing such interesting and useful insights. So often in my experience, it depends on where we locate the 'cause' of the issue someone is experiencing. Many people in the mental health field, for instance, locate the issue in the individual so that's where they focus their remedial attention. I think you draw important attention to wider systemic issues that can influence how a person or group is feeling. This is where it can be useful in coaching, for instance, to use the SOGI framework: 'What is influencing this person's experience at Society, Organisation, Group and Individual levels?' You may be interested in a related short article I wrote on a similar theme: http://www.nick-wright.com/what-is-really-going-on-here.html And this blog on resilience: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/when-disaster-strikes Let me know what you think? All the best. Nick

Bob Larcher

10/6/2016 02:30:28 pm

The essential is to understand that it is normal to feel, surprised, angry, melancholic and even depressed - what is important is that people are allowed, as you say, "to work through it". We can help to reduce the length and the depth of their change cycle but we can't ignore it.

Nick Wright

10/6/2016 02:32:29 pm

I agree, Bob - well said. I'm curious - what ways have you discovered that 'help to reduce the length and depth' of a person's change experience? Normalising it in the way you have described can certainly help. I'd be interested to hear more. All the best. Nick

Bob Larcher

10/6/2016 09:24:27 pm

I'm a fairly intuitive person but I think I use a bit of sympathy early on and then when I "feel" it's right I use more empathy.

I’m not sure, but I think that avoiding “depth” is probably more important than avoiding “length”.

Nick Wright

10/6/2016 09:25:59 pm

Thanks Bob. 'Depth' vs 'length' is an intriguing reflection. I hadn't really thought about that before. All the best. Nick

Bob Larcher

11/6/2016 11:29:08 am

I’m not sure that its “depth vs length”, I think it’s both “depth & length”; however, the deeper one goes into depression the longer it takes to come out – that’s why I feel it’s more important to concentrate on depth.

Julie Genney

10/6/2016 04:33:24 pm

Interesting post, thanks.

Nick Wright

10/6/2016 04:33:53 pm

Thanks Julie. All the best. Nick

Michal Zigelman

10/6/2016 04:35:50 pm

Thank you Nick for this important topic. I agree with you, i think that our reaction to loss is related to both: Human natural reaction, which is also connected with "loss aversion" bias (Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman) and also cultural conditioning.
An important step in leading change successfully is changing the perception of change, from a crisis.

Nick Wright

10/6/2016 04:36:39 pm

Many thanks, Michal. Can you say a bit more about 'loss aversion'? I'm interested to hear more. All the best. Nick

George Anderson MSW, BCD, CAMF

10/6/2016 05:02:24 pm

How does this differ from grief counseling?

Nick Wright

10/6/2016 05:06:26 pm

Hi George and thanks for the note. You pose an interesting question. Although insights from grief counselling can be useful when understanding and enabling people to deal with loss, I think it's about where we draw boundaries - which depends on factors such as what role we are operating in, where our expertise lies, how debilitating a person's experience of loss is for them etc. Does that make sense? All the best. Nick

George Anderson MSW, BCD, CAMF

10/6/2016 05:23:03 pm

Are ICF coaches actually trained to have the level of understanding of the issues that you are raising here?

Nick Wright

10/6/2016 05:27:37 pm

Hi George. Another interesting question. I guess that's one for the ICF and ICF-accredited training providers to respond to! I'm certainly not suggesting that a coach enter into a therapeutic relationship with a client. That would be crossing a professional boundary. It may be more about recognising loss-related issues that may arise (e.g. when working through change and transition at work) and, if of a therapeutic nature, where to refer for therapeutic support? All the best. Nick

Lorraine Krane LCSW

10/6/2016 06:24:14 pm

Coaches are not trained to do psychotherapy...sorry George!

Nick Wright

10/6/2016 06:26:47 pm

Thanks Lorraine. Another way to look at it is that even those who are trained to do psychotherapy (as separate to their coaching training) are not contracted (or, I imagine, insured) to do psychotherapy whilst operating within the boundaries of a coaching relationship. All the best. Nick

Deepali Shah (MA, MSc, MA, CIPD)

10/6/2016 05:43:21 pm

Hi Nick Wright and George Anderson, apologies to jump into the conversation. Nevertheless, great question, absolutely the coaches belief of the client impacts the client. This both negatively and positively. For example, the belief(s) held by the coach is colored by their experiences. This either allows the client to either move up the spiral or in circles. If opportunity presents itself the coach can provide an environment to break through the self-imposed glass ceiling for the client. For this to happen there is to be a synergy, an environment where the client in realistic terms is able to objectively evaluate their reality to take the next leap.

Nick Wright

10/6/2016 05:46:35 pm

Hi Deepali. No apology needed - you are welcome to join the conversation! :) I think that's an interesting point about how both coach and client can be influenced by their beliefs and how both can limit or release potential in themselves and in each other, depending what they believe. Very thought provoking. All the best. Nick

John March, D.Min

10/6/2016 08:26:53 pm

Isn't it true most people do not like change? Make changes that will affect the status of individuals and some will perceive change as not good as something that is going to cause them to lose__x__. even if you take care to explain the "benefits" of the change--some will not hear it, don't want to hear it and don't believe what you're saying.

Nick Wright

10/6/2016 08:30:37 pm

Thanks for the note, John. That's an interesting question. In my experience, some people don't like change, some people do and there's a whole spectrum of preferences in between. I think unhappiness and resistance arise if (a) people perceive that change is being done to them rather than with or by them and/or (b) they believe that the change will have negative consequences for them or others they care about. Does that make sense? All the best. Nick

Louisa Futter

10/6/2016 09:27:05 pm

Excellent and insightful as per your other posts Nick. You stand out a mile on my network as an inspiring and thought provoking consultant . keep posting !

Nick Wright

10/6/2016 09:31:20 pm

Hi Louisa and thank you for such incredibly heart-warming feedback! I pray...wait a moment...then start typing and see what emerges. I receive a lot of inspiration and thought-provoking insights from people like your good self who respond. :) I've been working through a fairly painful personal loss in my own life this week so your kind words are very timely. With heartfelt thanks again. Nick

Trudy Birkland

10/6/2016 11:09:13 pm

Thank you for the insightful article Nick. I would agree loss is something that most people are uncomfortable facing head on so it rears its head in other ways. As Pamina Mullins states it would be better to focus on the ripples before it turns into the wave .

Nick Wright

10/6/2016 11:11:44 pm

Many thanks, Trudy. 'Ripples' and 'wave' is a great analogy - especially since, at least in my personal experience, loss and grief often feel like waves deep within. All the best. Nick

Lily Randhawa

11/6/2016 10:16:27 am

Well said!

Nick Wright

11/6/2016 10:16:53 am

Thanks Lily! All the best. Nick

Yuvarajah Thiagarajah

11/6/2016 10:47:49 am

Very interesting variation in perspectives. Has it more to do with the culture of where you are living or working?. If so, then we have to compartmentalize it because the east and west operates in opposite modality, according to research and actual orientation. The west is cited to be more Individualistic vs East being more collective. Could this "I" significance be the reason for the workplace stress ?. Personally, I do not subscribe to this culture excuse but reality compels me to. I would say it is more of the individual will power to overcome odds in the face of challenge. I absolutely agree people are different and require different time and space. But it has to be within tolerance and limits. The team has to be just as important as the individual.

In my company, we give 3 days paid bereavement leave for the loss of immediate family members. It's is not mandated by law. If the person requires more time then it is incumbent upon the individual to apply from his accrued leave. It's only humanely practical to allow someone to recover fully so that (s)he can become engaged on the job. If required then, by all means, take prolong leave. If the person requires counseling then provide it. But there has to be accountability for action to rehabilitate the individual, if possible, to the previous state of performance capacity and emotional well being. When handled in a professional manner there is less likelihood for stress to prevail or prolong and the person can move on and forward.

In conclusion, there is no denying it boils down to different strokes for different folks. Some take more time then others and some require workplace help to recover fully. I can even accept what Liza said, "it's ok to be 'not strong'" , as long as it's for a short term reasonable and brief period. But, it has to be addressed positively if it is going to affect the team performance. Then, we are left to content with fairness and productive. No point trying to calculate the annual cost of 'disengaged" workforce if we cant identify the root causality and address it in a systemic manner.

BTW, I am a retired military officer turned HR practitioner. Does that make a difference in what may seem like a "hard nosed" approach?. Ah, yes. It's got to do with that conditioning call "Self Discipline". I have often wondered, how different is it in the corporate world, across the globe?

Nick Wright

11/6/2016 11:12:24 am

Hi Yuvarajah and thanks for posting such stimulating and profound comments! I'm intrigued by your reflections on general differences in Western and Eastern cultures, e.g. individual and collective. It must have an influence on how individuals and teams experience and respond to loss, as well as what may create the sense of loss in the first place. I read an interesting piece of research a few years ago that argued that emotion itself is socially constructed. That is, what we experience and what language and meaning we attribute to it is a product of culture rather than a universal experience. Deep stuff!

A question that comes to mind for me as I read your notes is something like, 'What do we need to take into account culturally and organisationally when an individual or team experiences significant loss?' That broadens the focus of attention from the individual to wider relationships, issues and implications that will need to be addressed to maximise support and minimise risks. Does that fit with what you are thinking? All the best. Nick

Manuel Mateos

12/6/2016 12:31:37 pm

Excellent !

Nick Wright

12/6/2016 12:32:04 pm

Thanks Manuel! All the best. Nick

Nathlynn Reynolds, M.A.

12/6/2016 12:32:53 pm

Excellent point.

Nick Wright

12/6/2016 12:33:30 pm

Thanks Nathlynn. All the best. Nick

Tom Sand

12/6/2016 12:37:48 pm

Coaching is for managers. Counseling is for professionals. Each should know and practice their boundaries. Asking for help is a sign of strength not a sign if weakness.

Nick Wright

12/6/2016 12:42:26 pm

Hi Tom and thanks for the note. I'm interested in how you are using the language of 'coaching' and 'counselling' and the distinctions between them. In the UK, 'coaching' is mostly associated with enabling a person to think something through for themselves (e.g. how to reach a goal), irrespective of role. An exception is sports coaching which often looks more like 'mentoring' - i.e. guidance. 'Counselling' is mostly associated with enabling a person to work through therapeutic issues, e.g. anxiety, distress. An exception is career counselling which, again, often looks more like mentoring. I'd be interested to hear more about how these terms are used in your culture and context. All the best. Nick

Ayana Azim

12/6/2016 02:02:31 pm

Thank you for the reminder Nick. In an organization, I've seen this show up when business units are reorganized, or eliminated, when jobs were removed and those individuals are provided positions not of their choosing, project team disbandment, and even with the physical loss of a coworker/leader due to firing/retiring/resigning. In other words, whenever change happens.

When my interactions involve the retraining of these individuals, I always like to take the time to include a dealing w change segment before jumping right into the required content.

This allows people to know I'm acknowledging the change, help them see where they are in the process, and what they need to successfully move forward.

Nick Wright

12/6/2016 02:07:03 pm

Hi Ayana. Yes, those are situations where people most commonly experience sense of loss in organisations. I love the way you approach this - it shows humanity, sensitivity and wisdom and in my experience, is exactly the kind of thing that is most likely to enable people to move through change and transition in healthily. Thank you for sharing such a great example! All the best. Nick

Nina Prentice (Assoc CIPD)

12/6/2016 07:01:52 pm

Great article; thank you!

Nick Wright

12/6/2016 07:04:01 pm

Thanks, Nina! All the best. Nick

Dr Trish Turner

12/6/2016 07:15:02 pm

I am a qualified psychotherapist and a qualified coach and I would still expect to keep the two separate. However, grief and loss do play a role in coaching - loss of a job/role/culture/boss/project/prospects... I would be happy to work with a coachee on how this is impacting on the goals he/she set for themselves. However, loss of a family member or something more personal and/or distressing that is impacting on their lives would be for a trained therapist and I would refer to a colleague or re-contract, if appropriate. It's worth noting that therapist who are also trained to coach are now beginning to integrate the two (though I don't). For example: http://ijebcm.brookes.ac.uk/documents/special1-paper-04.pdf. Trish

Nick Wright

12/6/2016 07:21:38 pm

Hi Trish and many thanks for sharing such a useful perspective. I'm a qualified psychological coach and I draw the boundaries in the same ways and places that you describe here. Thanks for posting the link to such a stimulating article too. A limitation of 'personal consultancy may be that it frames its work in terms of work with an individual, whereas often - and perhaps increasingly so - coaches and therapists are working with wider groups (e.g. teams, families) which enables them to pay attention to wider systemic, cultural and relational dimensions of client experience. What do you think? All the best. Nick

S. Irene Matz

12/6/2016 10:09:46 pm

Some excellent points. I believe that we don't necessarily get through it or over it, but rather it becomes part of who we are - the growth through suffering and change - and we can become better because of it. The leader has the opportunity to model and be an example for others. It's important to not judge others' reactions, but rather to understand and be compassionate as much as one can. We all have choices and that is our only choice how to respond to our loss, our attitude, as Viktor Frankl wrote in his book, Man's Search for Meaning.

Nick Wright

12/6/2016 10:10:12 pm

Hi S. Irene and thanks for the note. Yes - 'don't necessarily get through it or over it' - and I must admit that that is the dimension of loss that I personally find most difficult to come to terms with! On Frankl and choice, you may find this short piece interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/choose I'd be very interested to hear any reflections you may have on it. All the best. Nick

S. Irene Metz

12/6/2016 10:46:47 pm

Nick, thank you for sharing. Powerful message and it is empowering to have an active voice. What I have come to believe is that people have limitations and their depth is limited or how else could you explain how some people "get it" and others don't move beyond their own needs. As a leader, the challenge is to work with those who have limitations; be understanding and nonjudgmental, yet move them however incremental. In peace, Irene

Jeremy J Lewis

13/6/2016 01:05:06 pm

Change is loss. I tend to use Klaes Jensson's Four Rooms of Change model to work with individuals and groups who are dealing with change. If you don't know it, it is rather like a simplified change curve, and very effective at surfacing the issues and feelings that come with significant change.

Nick Wright

13/6/2016 01:09:37 pm

Hi Jeremy and thanks for the note. Yes, I'm familiar with the four rooms of change model - it's a favourite with some of my HR colleagues. :) Interestingly, 'loss' is one way of construing a change experience. For example, if I initiate a change in order to achieve something that's important to me, I may well experience that change as 'gain'. Does that make sense too? All the best. Nick

Tuncel Gulsoy

13/6/2016 07:14:05 pm

Very interesting and useful, thank you.

Nick Wright

13/6/2016 07:16:24 pm

You are very welcome, Tuncel. Thanks for your kind feedback. All the best. Nick

Bernice Jones-Brooks

13/6/2016 07:19:05 pm

I could have written that first paragraph. Thanks for explaining why I reacted as I did to the loss of Princess Diana. Great read. Thank you for sharing.

Nick Wright

13/6/2016 07:21:18 pm

Thanks Bernice. I'm pleased it helped to make sense of your experience too. All the best. Nick

Maggie Stubbs

13/6/2016 08:13:54 pm

An excellent read. So true.

Nick Wright

13/6/2016 08:14:37 pm

Thanks for such affirming feedback, Maggie. All the best. Nick

Olga Elisabeta Tomodan

14/6/2016 10:53:41 am

great article. congrats

Nick Wright

14/6/2016 10:54:09 am

Thanks Olga! All the best. Nick

Alan Wingrove

14/6/2016 01:14:32 pm

Nick, that's very accurate. For me, enabling clients to work through loss has two elements:
1. Acknowledging that people rarely 'get over' a loss - they learn to live with it
2. Assisting them to find a 'new normal' - which is different for each of us
The acknowledgment helps them realise that it's not just them and that they are not isolated.
The 'new normal' assists in looking for the positives in a situation. Whatever the loss, life goes on. However, some people feel a sense of guilt by carrying on and the coaches role is to support them in recognising the new normal is acceptable.

Nick Wright

14/6/2016 01:22:13 pm

Thanks, Alan, for sharing such a useful perspective on this topic. Yes, I agree with your 2 points and your comment about normalising a person's experience so that it feels less strange and isolating. There's something for me too about being-with in the midst of loss. We can, at times, become drawn into trying to make things 'OK' (that really aren't OK) for someone where what the person may really need is compassionate, listening presence. All the best. Nick

Jeanne Schulze

14/6/2016 07:07:52 pm

Nick. How very timely. I'm thinking about those in Orlando Florida not only going through great loss but threat and fear. Not only are individuals hurting, but entire communities and the nation are hurting. I am encouraged by how communities are coming together to be present, patient, persevering and staying with until loved ones are able to see a light, some light, eventually. Thanks for your inishgt.

Nick Wright

14/6/2016 07:14:20 pm

Thanks Jeanne. Yes, there are so many sadnesses in the world at the moment, not only at individual levels but, as you say, in whole communities and nations. Threat and fear can feel like loss of safety - a gnawing feeling of insecurity and vulnerability - thereby compounding the sense of loss through grief. Yes, it's great to see people and communities offering comfort, care and support. We do need the Light of hope to persevere in the face of such pervasive insecurity and fear in the world at the moment. All the best. Nick

Ericka Krystalyn

15/6/2016 09:15:23 am

This makes total sense Nick!
I've a dear friend who recently lost her dad. I never had that bond with him. But standing by her side that morning as the coffin was lowered into the ground, holding her trembling body and listening to her wounded cry, it just broke me.
I do not have a complete family and I thought I would never have to go through such pain of loss, yet I felt so strongly emotional that day.
It hit me that I was crying for my own personal loss.
All that you have lost, buried very deep down inside will emerge upon a fellow grieving. Just when you thought you have successfully dealt with your personal loss... Well, You never really do, do you?
Acceptance, support and situational awareness is really important in order to heal.
=)

Nick Wright

15/6/2016 09:21:43 am

Hi Ericka and thanks for sharing such profound reflections from personal experience. 'It hit me that I was crying for my own personal loss.' I believe that mirrors what happens, for instance, when we watch a film and feel very emotional as we do so. It's partly about what's happening on the screen and partly about what it is evoking and resonating with within us. In other words, It's as if the film surfaces and amplifies something of our own emotional experience - often related to events from our past or present life. Does that make sense? All the best. Nick

Ericka Krystalyn

17/6/2016 09:51:24 am

Yes it does Nick :)

Cheers!

Jonathan Rees

15/6/2016 07:21:01 pm

Really interesting post - thank-you. Jeremy J Lewis can you suggest a good book on 4 rooms of change?

Nick Wright

15/6/2016 07:23:59 pm

Thanks Jonathan. All the best. Nick

Jeremy J Lewis

15/6/2016 10:50:09 pm

I don't know of any hooks, but you cAn read about it in his website http://www.claesjanssen.com/four-rooms/index.shtml

Manuel Mateos

16/6/2016 09:52:30 am

I believe to have witnessed a few of these sitiations in different organizations, either when being employed or servicing them as external consultanr. Some people experiencing a sense of loss may react differently depending on the extent or impact such loss has affected them; although I don't see this as a rule of thumb. There are changes in behavior.

-- ranging from apathy and solation to outward protest and anger or hard pesimism, all of these minimizing natural enthusiasm and tending to slugishness and concentration for performing as usual. Being the causes the loss of friends, dismemberment of teams, or even non voluntary changes of responsibilities and leaders because of reorgnizations or for becoming part of new parent companies with different values and goals.

Nick Wright

16/6/2016 09:57:17 am

Thanks Manuel. Those are important signs to look out for, especially if they persist, and good examples of common causes that lay behind them. In general, I find that it's important to listen and be-alongside when people are on the 'down curve' and to inspire and involve when people start to recover again. Does that connect with your experience too? All the best. Nick

Antonia Zilianeou

17/6/2016 09:19:08 am

"Be present, be patient and be willing to persevere.."Thank you for your article. You never know how much time and effort that needs,but is the best practice.

Nick Wright

17/6/2016 09:19:44 am

Thank you, Antonia. I love those words! All the best. Nick

Monique Bradshaw

17/6/2016 04:29:30 pm

I like how you address this Nick. Many people are afraid to talk about grief because of the range of emotions associated.
I did some study on grief after losing people close to me and working with others that have lost someone. What I found most critical is acceptance, allowing yourself and others to feel what they feel when they feel it. Of course, in a work environment always being professional, but allowing for moments to step away, if needed.
Recently, I did some study on rejection. What I found here was the need to keep your spirits up with personal rewards and mantras, in order to keep going even when things are looking dim.
I tend not to be overly emotional and always ready for the next steps, but many others are not. There are also people that are emotionally immature. Awareness of where everyone is emotionally, helps to identify what is the right strategy.

Nick Wright

17/6/2016 04:35:33 pm

Hi Monique and thanks for sharing such personal experiences and reflections on this topic. Similar to your own story, I actually wrote this blog as a way of helping process an experience of personal loss, with associated rejection, last week. I've been humbled and inspired by how many people have responded to these reflections on LinkedIn and elsewhere. I agree with you that everyone handles these kinds of emotional experience in their own way. I find insights from Gestalt useful here, e.g. 'What does this situation call for?', ''How do you want to be in this?', 'What do you need..?' All the best. Nick

Dori Van Stolk

19/6/2016 03:38:19 pm

So, if a leader is leading a team, and the loss is imposed upon them from a higher administrative decisions, what sort of strategies should a leader employ to help a team through a loss, when there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel?

Nick Wright

19/6/2016 03:46:40 pm

Hi Dori. That is such a good - and in some ways difficult - question. Some thoughts come to mind for me. Others may have insights and ideas too? The first is to be honest, e.g. 'This is a difficult place.' The second is to be present, e.g. 'I'm going to meet with each of you individually to talk through what this means for you and to see what support I can offer as we work through this together.' The third is to recognise that everyone experiences 'loss' differently. For one person, it can feel devastating. For another it can be the opportunity they have been looking for to make a change. Albert Ellis did some interesting work on this latter point in his 'ABC Theory of Emotion' where he noticed that how people felt was often influenced more by what meaning they attributed to events than to the events themselves. All the best. Nick

Ross Harris

19/6/2016 03:47:15 pm

Well said.

Nick Wright

19/6/2016 03:47:41 pm

Thanks Ross. All the best. Nick

Scott Searle

19/6/2016 09:56:26 pm

Excellent article, one I can resonate with, what do you suggest as a tool to overcome the sense of loss, so the memories are carried forward, as valuable experience, which have formed you or me to be who we are, but no held back by the " sense of loss" ?

Nick Wright

19/6/2016 10:01:31 pm

Thanks Scott. That is such a good - and hard - question. I spent some time with a therapist who specialises in CBT and Human Givens. She used various techniques that helped to de-sensitise some painful memories and to put them into a different perspective. It may be worth glancing at those fields for ideas..? All the best. Nick

Jennifer Blackburn

20/6/2016 04:55:37 pm

My husband passed away and new owners took over. It took everything out of me to get out of bed and I struggled with showing up. During a one on meeting I was told that they suspected substance abuse. I told them I not sure why I feel this way year after his death but assured no problems were of the sort to there believe. I was told in the real world at work no one cares about going through difficult times. They care about showing up and getting the job done. It was couple weeks after that I quit. Decided I need some time to figure out what is going on and concentrate on getting better. I found out that I needed 4 units of blood transfusion done. After that I was a new person with new energy. To this day I can say this. My whole life has been surrounded by people who believe to know me. No longer do I care for opinions of others thoughts as long as I know my truth it's all that counts. So with that said.
Don't assume to know all the right answers to another life that is not your own. We are born with everything we need to survive in this world and Sometimes we need to work more on trusting that.

Nick Wright

20/6/2016 05:01:49 pm

Hi Jennifer and thank you for sharing such an intensely personal story of loss in your personal and professional life. What an incredibly tough experience to go through. :/ It reinforces the point, for me, that to pay attention to what different people need during times of loss is so important. That is, to see people as real people, as whole people, and not to consider everyone the same or to imagine that we can, somehow artificially separate people into 'personal' and 'professional' parts. I also agree that we often have more ability to surivive than we realise...although sometimes we don't discover that until we face and live through such an experience. Thank you again for sharing. All the best. Nick

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