Man in the mirror

17/5/2018

I was reminded recently of one of my sister’s ex-boyfriends in our teenage years. The lad was called Tom and, one day, he decided proudly to have his name tattooed on his neck. When he got home, however, he was dismayed to look in the mirror and read ‘moT’. ‘I can’t believe they spelt my name wrong!’, he exclaimed in near despair. My mother looked on in near despair too. How could her daughter be going out with this guy?? My sister laughed but poor Tom just looked puzzled.

I can hear so many satirical expressions immediately coming to mind: ‘Not the sharpest knife in the drawer; A few sandwiches short of a picnic; Proof that evolution can go in reverse’, etc. It’s as if we’re a lot brighter than Tom, less prone to such stupid mistakes. Tom misinterpreted what he saw but we see and understand things more clearly. Perception is reality and Tom needed a reality check. We’re not that easily tricked or confused. We’re not like Tom. We see things as they are.

That is, until we read books like David McRaney’s ‘You Are Not So Smart’ (2012). With a wide range of disarmingly simple-yet-profound examples, McRaney describes a whole host of ways in which we unknowingly and convincingly delude ourselves, pretty much every day. Alex Boese concludes on the back cover: ‘Fascinating! You’ll never trust your brain again.’ It’s as if the assumptions we hold about what is real and true about ourselves, the world, life and relationships need to be held…lightly.

Yet this poses some serious existential, ethical and practical challenges. Who or what are we to trust if we’re not sure what’s real or true? Who or what are we to take a stance on if we’re not sure if the ground we’re standing on is sound? Faith, doubt and belief come face-to-face with diverse related fields, e.g. social constructionism and Gestalt. This is rich territory for deep coaching, leadership and OD. So, tell me - what are your experiences of working with certainty and uncertainty, ambiguity and trust?

18 Comments

Tara Parker

17/5/2018 02:28:51 pm

Trust is the one factor that tricks our minds the most. This is the uncertainty anyone struggles with. "Am I trusting the right person?" "Do I trust myself enough to reach my goal?" "Do I trust this person to reach their goal?" Trust tends to be an inconsistent slippery slope for many and poses opportunity for much uncertainty. I have learned that once we learn how to trust ourselves we can then understand how and when to trust others.

Thought-provoking post, Nick, as always.

Tara

Nick Wright

17/5/2018 05:29:47 pm

Thanks Tara. Your reflections reminded me of a close friend who often comments on how hard it is to truly trust. I wonder how far this relates to psychological ideas such as attachment theory, e.g. http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/getting-attached What do you think?

18/5/2018 03:24:01 pm

Nick, your blog on trust is spot on. Those who do not develop secure, healthy relationships can more easily fall into a cycle of unhealthy, co-dependent relationships. It is a comfort zone for the mind to continue to seek out, though not necessarily consciously, the individuals who can fulfill the "needs" of the unhealthy relationship, because the seeker is accustomed to such. There is a way to break the cycle and it is through the identification of self-deceit, development of self-love and self-respect. Once those steps have been initiated the can continue with re-assurance from healthy relationships though it can be a struggle. Trust is difficult to regain with others and more so with the self. The development of trust for the self takes confidence, which is a daily choice for those with challenges of trust.

Your article discusses the love God has for us, as an individual. I agree we are each loved by God, even when not loved by each other. I think there is a direct relationship between the love we have for ourselves and the love we believe God has for us. I don't know that I have ever not believed God didn't love me, even in my darkest hours, but those I have seen struggle with the reality of God's love as those who seemingly struggle with self love.

Tara

19/5/2018 02:35:40 pm

Thanks Tara. It sounds like your approach, involving the development of self-love and self-respect, aims to reduce the need for unhealthy psychological and emotional dependency on others?

On the Christian spirituality dimension, you may find this other related short piece interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/why-is-grace-so-hard

Lipa Fekete

18/5/2018 12:55:41 am

Hi, Nick!
Great article 'Man in the mirror' gave a laugh and something to think about...Thanks for that.

18/5/2018 09:54:57 am

Thanks for your kind feedback, Lipa!

Megan Watson

18/5/2018 12:57:00 am

Welcome to the Matrix.

18/5/2018 09:53:05 am

Hi Megan. You reminded me of Inception too. You may find this related piece interesting..? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/exploring-the-imagination

Don Dunoon

18/5/2018 09:40:01 am

Nice piece, Nick.
For me, your story points to some common dynamics in the way people interact in organisations - in particular, three patterns: Reacting, Judging and Dancing around.
Reacting – responding immediately, without pause, as Tom does when he looks in the mirror.
Judging – finding fault with others, “not the sharpest knife in the drawer”.
Dancing around – keeping the conversation on a safe and surface level – in this case, avoiding saying anything to Tom.
Overcoming these defaults implies seeking to converse more mindfully. Three practices to help here are:
Working from Observation: Noticing first, prior to interpreting. In this case just sitting with the observation that Tom has looked in the mirror and exclaimed.
Attributing Reasonableness: Allowing that others are reasonable in this instance, or at least their actions seem reasonable to them. Perhaps Tom later realises that he has misinterpreted what he saw in the mirror.

Speaking with Authenticity: Expressing from the heart, while holding open that others are acting reasonably, at least in their terms, and keeping connections with observation. If this case, we might recognize how easy it is to make such mistakes and perhaps share an instance in which we’ve done something similar ourselves.
The three practices together go by the name of the OBREAU Tripod, with ‘OBREAU’ made up of the first two letters of each of Observation, Reasonableness and Authenticity. The idea of the Tripod refers to the ‘legs’ being mutually dependent and supportive.
A slideshow on applying the Tripod from the recent World Conference on Quality and Improvement is at this link: https://www.slideshare.net/ddunoon.

18/5/2018 09:44:27 am

Thanks Don. I really like the way you framed your response and find your React-Judge-Dance and OBREAU frameworks interesting and useful. I'm reading a book by Susan Scott at the moment called Fierce Conversations. Are you familiar with it? There are a number of resonances with what you shared here.

Joanna Sapir

19/5/2018 02:37:21 pm

That's a huge question! I don't know how to answer it without context, but I appreciate the book recommendation and would like to check it out. I just finished listening to an interview of Michael Pollan for his new book about using psychedelics to "change your mind" and he touched on some stuff that I think relates to these questions. Heard about that yet, Nick?

19/5/2018 02:38:41 pm

Hi Joanna. No, I haven't heard about that. It sounds intriguing. Can you say more..?

Eleanor J. Shirley

31/5/2018 11:29:35 am

Tom is like a lot of us. When I teach Human Relations Classes, and in my consulting work, Dialogic Dimensions, we approach perceptions as an opportunity to learn more about ourselves. The Johari Window comes to mind. Perhaps the Toms in the world simply need a “brain nudge.” My rubric for this, as with any type of intervention is to first of all check my own perceptions. But then, I am inclined to: 1) Point out the FACTS - see, hear, touch, taste, etc.; 2) EDUCATE and offer SUPPORT - some of the Toms may have learning delays, disabilities that are undiagnosed, make referrals as needed; and 3) consider the IMPORTANCE or value of confronting this seemingly innocuous irrational response. If it is important as in undesirable, potentially dangerous addictive behaviors and patterns, then one may need to also CONFRONT and clarify CONSEQUENCE. Furthermore, I’m also inclined to reframe “react” as “respond.” I’ve found many who don’t know how to respond to situations, they do the knee-jerk reaction instead. Tom could have been doing the knee-jerk reaction and perhaps after a moment or two would realize that “duh,” the mirror tricked his brain! Good discussion and thanks to Don for the OBREAU.

31/5/2018 12:19:51 pm

Thanks Eleanor. I think your comment on knee-jerk vs response and the potential for realisation after the event are great reasons for why e.g. coaching, supervision and reflective practice can be so valuable.

Elly Taylor

4/6/2018 09:43:48 pm

There's a lot of uncertainty in the population I serve - expecting parents. They don't know what they don't know, their expectations are often way out of line with reality and so there's no wonder 33% of mothers and 17% of fathers are reporting symptoms of postpartum anxiety. In part to address this I created a Relationship-Developmental model of the transition into parenthood that strengthens the emotional bond between partners - when they can trust each other, it doesn't matter what the future holds, they will be OK.

4/6/2018 09:47:17 pm

Hi Elly. Thanks for sharing such interesting reflections, particularly vis a vis the significance of relationship and trust in handling an uncertain future.

19/6/2018 11:23:35 am

Great article 'Man in the mirror' gave a laugh and something to think about...Thanks for that.

19/6/2018 11:24:01 am

Man in the mirror

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