Mind the gap

4/5/2020

‘Can miles truly separate you from friends? If you want to be with someone you love, aren’t you already there?’ (Richard Bach)

Social distance. It’s not just physical. It’s a feeling. I meet someone close to me, albeit with a 2-metre space in between, and my instinct is to hug, to shake hands, to embrace. There’s a brief, awkward dance as we hesitate, come to a halt, hold the rule. It’s an invisible gulf that separates us, interrupts our contact, keeps us apart. After a moment, we adjust ourselves and the conversation begins to flow. Gradually...a new and different normal emerges. We find a way to bridge the gap. A smile, a gesture, an animated movement, a tone of voice. We start to feel closer again. A metaphorical touch.

Perhaps it’s the same on-screen. We meet a person, a client, a colleague online and, at first, the technology forms a barrier, a boundary and a bridge between us. It feels different to being in the same physical room at the same time and we may feel that similar sense of distance, of strangeness, of desire to connect. Yet, somehow, we do it. Our intrinsic human powers of empathy, imagination and communication create their own paths of relational contact. We tune into voice, expressions, movement and surroundings. Over time, we feel each others’ presence intuitively, and the gap feels smaller.

How have you handled social distance with people at work?

26 Comments

Hannah

4/5/2020 02:39:56 pm

As a person who spends a lot of their life online mostly with online formed friendships, I can definitely say that it’s different in person in some ways! But then after a couple of hours it feels natural, just like the long conversations you’ve had with the friend online! I only find it differs if the person themselves has a different way of relating to people offline than they do online. But I cannot wait till the quarantine’s over for those very important hugs!!!

Nick Wright

4/5/2020 06:05:54 pm

Hi Hannah. Thanks for responding on the basis of personal experience. That's an interesting point: what happens if the person has a different way of relating in 'real world' relationships to how they do online? If we only know them online (or, I guess, only know them in the real world), how can we know how they relate in other domains? Yes, when the lockdown is over, I can't wait for those hugs too! :)

Ian Henderson

4/5/2020 06:07:02 pm

In your own way Nick, you are a Yoda!!

4/5/2020 06:10:50 pm

Thanks Ian. 'Truly wonderful the mind of a child is.' :)

Berit Ladefoged

4/5/2020 06:15:32 pm

Hi Nick. What a wonderful post. I think you write wonderful and it is good for people to read.

4/5/2020 06:16:05 pm

Hi Berit. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

Leila Yazigi

4/5/2020 07:38:16 pm

Hello Nick,
A great post. Thank you for sharing.
Humanity has never been more social than the last few weeks.
Millions on line trying to interact desperately.
Windows, balconies... any means to connect is good enough.
Social distancing is no longer social distancing. Humanity has found a way to break these barriers.

You touched the heart of the matter when you said that what we crave most is touch.
The shake of a colleague's hand. A kiss on the cheek of a loved one. The hug of a grandparent.
A gap that can never be bridged for months to come.
Yet, we must live in hope as Rumi said;
'Never lose hope, my dear heart, miracles dwell in the invisible'

4/5/2020 08:29:39 pm

Thank you, Leila. Yes, these past few weeks have certainly demonstrated people's determination and ingenuity to find ways to maintain contact, closeness and relationship in the face of physical separation. They have also reminded us of the deeply personal and cultural importance of human touch. It feels, conveys and represents something so much more than pure physicality. Thank you for sharing the heartwarming words of Rumi. You may find this short related piece resonates too: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/a-touching-place

Anna Hollis

4/5/2020 08:33:06 pm

We are learning a new way of dealing with each other. Be apart from each other. Contact with eyes and ears, the heart and the mind. But not with our hands. And that is exactly what we find difficult. Don't touch anyone and don't be touched. Physically, for comfort, for encouragement or for joy. But sometimes we manage to pass on the closeness that we lack so physically, with words or looks.

4/5/2020 08:41:32 pm

Hi Anna. Yes, it is noticeable how we are discovering and creating new ways to experience and convey contact, connection and relational intimacy - without the use of physical touch. It will be intriguing to see what the longer-term social-cultural influences will be, once the current lockdown is lifted.

Elise Van Vessem

5/5/2020 10:19:48 am

The energy passing between two people transcends the distance...any distance.

5/5/2020 10:20:40 am

Thanks Elise. I like that. 💫

Felicity O'Hanlon

5/5/2020 10:54:56 am

So true what everyone says here.
It's the quality of the relationship that's important.
If it's good, you naturally want the physical presence as well and miss it if it's not there.
But if the quality is not good - easy to be socially distant.
Sometimes you can live in the physical presence of people but be emotionally on different continents.

5/5/2020 12:35:02 pm

Thank you, Felicity. Well said. You expressed that so simply...and profoundly.

Barbara A. Mellor

5/5/2020 04:02:20 pm

True ...I miss my friends and relatives all over the world...ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from lovin’ you babe...Ashford/Simpson

5/5/2020 04:03:07 pm

Hi Barbara. I think that's the first time someone has broken out into song in response to my blog! :)

5/5/2020 06:09:26 pm

Music is food of love according to Shakespeare and so, I play on.

5/5/2020 06:10:10 pm

Well...I guess you could do worse things in life. :)

9/5/2020 06:03:20 pm

Truly...the sidewalks can be uneven and cause a sudden fall...step softly.

9/5/2020 06:03:40 pm

Very poetic. :)

Deborah Codinach

8/5/2020 12:47:17 am

Yes! Beautifully described. I felt as if I was dancing the waltz with a woman at the grocery store. We’d playfully hesitate to see who would take the first step until someone who didn’t care for social distancing plummeted in between us. 🤷🏼‍♀️

8/5/2020 12:48:22 am

Thanks Deborah. You described that scenario beautifully too! 😷

Martine Dinh

9/5/2020 10:07:24 am

Thank you for sharing Nick. Very interesting. I wouldn’t go as far as writing “we” as different cultures and personalities react differently to physical contact.

9/5/2020 10:10:04 am

Thanks Martine. That’s a good point and a fair challenge. I’m curious: do you have any examples or experiences of cultures in which the ideas expressed in the blog wouldn’t apply, make sense or feel appropriate? I’m keen to learn! Thank you.

9/5/2020 11:27:31 am

Oh sorry Nick, I wasn’t trying to challenge. I enjoy the conversation. Certainly never intended to say your content is inappropriate. Just love to offer different perspectives sometimes.
I’ve spent 10 years working in China and Thaïland and I made people uncomfortable more often than I would have wanted to just by extending a hand for a simple handshake. Especially being a woman. More recently I was told to stop offering a handshake to men in Romania.
Even inside the same culture we are not all bothered at the same level by lack of physical contact. Thinking introverts...

9/5/2020 11:33:34 am

Thanks Martine. No, I really appreciate your willingness to pose a different perspective! It sounds like you have great experience of working cross-culturally and I’m keen to learn from your observations. Perhaps the nearest comparable experience I have had is of working in the Middle East where I, as a man, was expected to maintain a ‘social distance’ to women at all times and to avoid physical contact. The introvert question is an interesting one. In MBTI terms, I’m an introvert...and I like hugs...depending on the relationship and context.

Mind the gap

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