Mirror mirror

5/1/2013

I had strange dreams about mirrors and reflections last night and woke early in the darkness. I lay there for a while, semi-conscious, daydreaming about the brightness of the moon and how it reflects the light of the sun. I prayed silently, instinctively, ‘Just as the moon reflects the light of the sun, may my life reflect the light of God’. Then I woke up.

I do think there’s something profound about mirrors and reflection as psychological, cultural and spiritual phenomena. The recent fantasy film, 'Snow White and the Huntsman' created a vivid portrayal of a tormented queen returning repeatedly to seek reassurance in the mirror of legend: ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?’

The queen’s sense of self, security and value were based on the response from the mirror. It’s as if she didn’t really know who she was, how she was, without reference to its external perspective. According to psychodynamic and social psychological theories, our sense of self is affected by the responses we evoke and encounter in others.

Take, for instance, a young child who gazes into its mother’s face. If it sees consistent expressions of warmth, attentiveness, affection and happiness, it may well develop the sense that ‘I am loved’ and, thereby, ‘I am loveable.’ If on the other hand the child consistently sees looks of disapproval, it may develop a negative sense of self.

Psychodynamic theorists (e.g. Winnicott) call this process ‘mirroring’.Just as a person knows what they look like by glancing in a mirror, a child sees something of itself, learns something about itself, its relationships and its place in the world, by observing what is mirrored in the face of others. It’s a process that continues throughout our lives.

This phenomenon has deep existential implications. Corinne Taylor in her paper, You are the fairest of them all, comments on what may happen if a mother lacks connection with the child and fails to offer mirroring: ‘Perhaps a mother with a rigid face gives the baby the sense of never having being at all.’* Its very existence may feel negated.

Richard Rohr in his book, The Naked Now draws spiritual parallels, inviting us to consider what we see in God’s face, his gaze, as we gaze at him in prayer. It’s as if God is the ultimate, absolute parent figure in whose face we are able to gain a true sense of who we actually are. A distorted image of God will create a distorted image of self.

Projection is a related psychological process whereby we project aspects of ourselves (often aspects we feel uncomfortable with) onto other people or even onto God. I may be aware of and focus on characteristics of others that I’m not aware of or deny in myself, even though others may recognise them as typical of me.

If I grow in awareness of my projections, I can grow in awareness of myself by noticing what I notice in others. It’s another form of mirroring. As a leader and coach, I can draw important lessons too: what do others see in my face; do my responses help others develop a truer and more-loved sense of self; do I reflect the light of God?

(*http://www.hertspsychotherapy.co.uk/%e2%80%98you-are-the-fairest-of-them-all%e2%80%99-an-exploration-of-the-concept-of-mirroring/)

33 Comments

Tom Bruno-Magdich

6/1/2013 06:59:58 am

Interesting perspective Nick.

Building on your experience and taking in one step further - for me dreams do represent a window into absolute reality. In that, if we can understand and accept that there is only 'One' ultimate consciousness behind the many (one dreamer as it were) then each of us is actually a window through which the 'One' dreams itself.

And so it is when we dream - all the people we encounter and everything they think and say are in fact our own thoughts and words. One dreamer behind the many!

One would think if this were experienced as a truth we'd be much kinder to each other more often.

Nick Wright

6/1/2013 07:09:03 am

Hi Tom and thanks for the note. What you described, the notion of each of being a window through which the 'One' dreams itself, reminds me of the biblical notion of God praying through us.

Also, the idea of One ultimate consciousness behind the many reminded me of Jung's concept of the collective unconscious. Is your sense that recognising connectivity would increase empathy?

Speaking of Jung, a friend commented this morning, drawing on the moon analogy in the blog, that he often feels like he's living in the eclipse or, in psychodynamic terms, the shadow.

It made me wonder what kinds of things create shadows in our lives, what happens when those things shift to allow greater reflected light, how this process happens in the human spirit etc.

With best wishes. Nick

Tim Soden

6/1/2013 08:12:35 am

An alternative perspective is the story of two brothers one successful and the other a drunk.
When asked what made him successful the first brother said I am what I am because my father was a drunk.
When asked what made him a drunk the second brother said I am what I am because my father was drunk.
Individuals use adversity or privilege in different ways to blight or enhance their lives depending on their perspective on life.
The analogy of a mirror assumes that we are shaped by a fixed perception of the world (reflection), not by the choices we are able to make.
The mirror analogy does not require great psychological understanding as the queen simply used the mirror to support her her personal judgment based on a delusional fantasy (belief).
Many do this in real life by consistently confusing spiritual insights with indoctrinated beliefs.
Plato's story of the cave is another reflection of this phenomenon.
"Devout believers are safeguarded in a high degree against the risk of certain neurotic illnesses; their acceptance of the universal neurosis spares them the task of constructing a personal one". ~ Anatole France ~ Placed experiential learning above indoctrinated teaching.

6/1/2013 08:43:05 am

Hi Tim and thanks for your comments. I liked the account of the two brothers and I agree with you that different people respond to the apparent same stimuli or circumstances differently. The reasons why different people may respond differently has been the subject of philosophical and psychological debate for a very long time!

I see the mirror analogy differently. I believe that mirroring in the way that Winnicott describes it influences rather than determines how a person sees him or herself. It's as if our beliefs about ourselves are influenced by a dynamic interaction between what we perceive and how we interpret it.

How we interpret it may be influenced by a range of factors including inherent 'wiring' or personality and previous experiences. It's difficult to know for sure in the snow white story whether the queen used the mirror's feedback to reinforce her existing beliefs or to challenge her fears/beliefs in order to provide reassurance.

I too like the Plato's cave story and once wrote a short piece on it: http://www.nick-wright.com/1/post/2011/10/exploring-platos-cave.html. It begs important questions of what reality is and how we can know for sure. I do like your quotation from Anatole France. It made me smile. :) With best wishes. Nick

7/1/2013 02:21:56 am

Hi Nick

Thank you for your response.

I suppose the simple answer is it depends how you look at it.

Perhaps mirrors like life only reflect what we see and this is the unique and amazing thing about people the reason we make different choices has no mystery we do it because we can.

The outcome we perceive is simply our judgement about right or wrong good or bad.

“Humans are like snow flakes, all the same shape but each one uniquely different.
Judging someone instead of taking an opportunity to observe them with sincere appreciation like a snow flake that lands on your warm hand in the brief moment before it melts into a droplet of water could be a profound folly”. ~ Tim Soden

Like a mirrored reflection often when we make an objective considered comment it is simply an expression of our opinions (judgement is the shorthand of life that we use to understand the world) supported by learned evidence not a new insight just old stuff being recycled for our ego amusement.

What you say about reassurance is very telling because this implies that we need some form of protection against the irrational fears of indoctrination and of course we are talking about ourselves.

This is why I mentioned Plato's story.

We are not always capable of impartiality and as with all delusion some are not ready to see the reality of exploring something with an open mind and of course this includes me.

To me the most important aspect of your question is how much are we aware of the cause and effect that our attitudes and actions have on ourselves and others and what can we do to change.

I suspect the reason that your question has not attracted more comments is because it is too close for comfort and so for me makes it very interesting as this is what the mirror represents a tool to excuse delusion because when we blame the mirror we do not have to take responsibility.

I am not a writer just someone from a humble background who has battled against adversity to create modest success in my life and I am careful not to use the privileges of life to blame any of my shortcomings and this includes projecting beliefs based on asserted opinion.

Perhaps when we are searching for enlightenment for others we are also seeking self redemption.

I use quotations because to me they represent pearls of wisdom; sign posts to the concise insights of those whose reflections of life experiences have stood the test of time.

I am glad that I made you smile because compassion and self effacing humour are very important to me.

I do not delude myself that anything is say is original or unique just rehashing old stuff in an attempt to explore "stuff" and perhaps unveil a new insight.

Works for me and of course is a lot of fun.

True Story

A few years ago a gifted celebrity Irish footballer called George Best was caught in in his hotel bed room by his manager prior to an important international match with miss world with a hangover having stayed out late until the early hours of the morning.

George, said his manager "where has it all gone wrong"? "I do not know" said George, "I do my best spending my money on women, drink and gambling the rest I have wasted.

For my sins I have spent more time experiencing and wasted a too much time with analysing intellect (the currency of judgement).

Nick thank you kindly for the opportunity to hold up my mirror.

Now I am off to play some golf.

Kind regards

Tim

Premela Ramachandran

6/1/2013 08:22:10 am

I love the reality, Nick.

6/1/2013 08:22:50 am

Hi Premela and thank you. With best wishes. Nick

Missy Rose

7/1/2013 02:23:35 am

I like that.

9/1/2013 09:16:17 am

Thanks Missy. Nick

Zena Theodorou

8/1/2013 11:23:25 am

Love the fact that the moon speaks to you - Have a great day and a great year!

9/1/2013 09:32:32 am

Hi Zena and thanks for the note. Sounds like you may like this 'moon' blog too: http://www.nick-wright.com/1/post/2011/11/space-above-and-beyond.html. With best wishes for 2013. Nick

Bridget

8/1/2013 03:10:51 pm

Hi Nick

I’ve been reflecting (excuse the pun!) on your mirror mirror blog. I wonder what the message was for you from the dream or from God through the dream. I thought it was amazing that you responded instinctively in prayer before waking up – like a deep calling to the deep, spirit to spirit.

It’s so interesting to see what people trust to provide the verdict on themselves. Am I the fairest? Am I acceptable? Will I do?
We can make fun of Snow White as much as we like but how many of us look to the mirror to decide whether we are OK? The mirror reflects truth but only from an outward appearance point of view. And even that outward appearance is viewed through our own, often self-critical, lens. I guess that is why Snow White was not content to just judge her own appearance in the mirror but needed the mirror to actually speak to pronounce the “truth” as to whether she was the fairest of them all or not.

It seems like we are searching for the truth about ourselves. Are we OK? Do we have any significance? I guess our beliefs, then, guide where we look to find this truth. If we believe that our parents are the final verdict on us, we will look to them, or it could be our bosses, friends, spouse, our image in the mirror....If we believe in God and that the truth about ourselves can be found in the Bible, then we will look there. However, even if we believe this, but have had unhelpful early interactions with our mother, it might be difficult to move from an intellectual belief to a heart belief. We need God to speak to us to tell us who we are – maybe through a dream, maybe by the spirit bringing scripture to life.

I love your final comment – do I reflect the light of God. It reminds me of when Moses returned from spending time in the presence of the Lord and his face was so radiant he had to put a veil over it. Yeah, from my point of view, the presence of the Lord is the answer. Basking in his presence is a double-blessing. God show us our reflection in him and we also get to reflect his glory. More than a fair exchange!!

Hope I havn't lost the plot with this one......

B

9/1/2013 09:44:39 am

Hi Bridget and thanks for your stimulating comments and encouraging feedback. I liked your notion that 'we are searching for the truth about ourselves', and your examples of the different people and places where we seek to find it. It poses profound existential questions, the sense that we know who we are at one level and yet seem mysteriously unfathomable at another, even to ourselves. You may find this short blog interesting on a similar theme: http://www.nick-wright.com/1/post/2011/03/where-did-i-come-from.html. I too believe that God knows the truth (with a capital T), although I sometimes struggle to discern it owing to my own subjective and cultural filters. With best wishes. Nick

Aretoula Fullam PhD

9/1/2013 08:59:41 am

The next step is to direct those dreams while you are dreaming! It is called lucid dreaming!

9/1/2013 09:03:10 am

Hi Aretoula. Yes, I remember that conversation! :) For those who missed it and may be interested, here's the link: http://www.nick-wright.com/1/post/2011/10/sweet-dreams-are-made-ofwhat.html. With best wishes. Nick

Esther Marugan

10/1/2013 11:51:28 am

I like your mirror perspective and how to use it...thanks.

10/1/2013 11:52:23 am

Thanks for the feedback, Esther - appreciated. With best wishes. Nick

Ghada Shams

13/1/2013 09:58:08 am

Could you be passing through some sort of inner conflict regarding your identity,what you are doing in your life and your choices or decisions and their impacts? Sometimes people need to reflect on what they are doing and how they perceive it and how others perceive it.Usually people find differences between the two perceptions and they realize that they have to make conscious decisions to align the two perceptions or even decide to choose one perception to promote and work with. In order to gain a deeper sense of stability one needs to work to reconcile the two perceptions and accept the outcome of this reconciliation.

13/1/2013 10:01:51 am

Hi Ghada and thanks for the note. Yes, it's entirely possible, especially since I believe subconscious ideas and out-of-awareness feelings can emerge unfiltered, albeit represented in symbols, in dreams. With best wishes. Nick

Graham Williams

13/1/2013 10:04:50 am

I really like your reflective style Nick.

13/1/2013 10:07:36 am

Hi Graham and thank you for your encouraging feedback. With best wishes. Nick

Nancy Lowery

13/1/2013 10:05:51 am

Indeed @Graham, a well written and reflection I would love to share. Thanks for putting it out there @Nick.

13/1/2013 10:09:22 am

Hi Nancy and thanks for your encouraging feedback too - much appreciated. With best wishes. Nick

14/1/2013 01:34:32 pm

Given the conversation this little TED video seems appropriate
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-cuddy/body-language_b_2451277.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003.

Virginia (Ginger) Bussie

14/1/2013 08:21:31 am

Nick, I liked your article....very deep. It reminded me, however, of a funny sign I saw that said, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, I am my Mother after all!" Fortunately, I do look very much like my Mother, but sometimes I catch myself saying things to my children that sound just like something my Mother has said to me. And just recently, being at my high school reunion party with friends, my twenty-two year old daughter called at 11:30 pm to ask when I was coming home. I told her "soon", to which she replied, "You know nothing good ever happens after midnight". I wonder who ever said that??? Your article just got me to thinking about those Mother-Daughter Reflections..... Thanks again!

14/1/2013 11:16:35 am

Hi Virginia and thanks for sharing such profound and inspiring reflections. 'I have become my mother' can feel like a dramatic revelation! I really liked the interplay of roles you described between your mother, you and your daughter. Something about it reminded me of this blog which you may also find interesting: http://www.nick-wright.com/1/post/2011/12/whats-your-story.html. I would be very interested to hear what you think of it. With best wishes. Nick

William D Anton

27/2/2013 11:13:13 am

Nick: you might enjoy the introductory video on the ceoeffectiveness.com webpage. It dipicts mirrors in a way that might interest you. The last section of Business Success through Self-Knowledge is entitled The Hall of Mirrors: Looking at Ourselves.

27/2/2013 11:14:03 am

William, could you please elaborate a bit more on the Hall of Mirrors? It sounds a very interesting exercise.
Thanks in advance
Dr. Aretoula Fullam

27/2/2013 11:46:48 am

Hi William. Thanks for the note and the link to the video. Yes, a mirror can be a route to increased self-knowledge, whether at individual, team, organisational or wider levels (e.g. community or nation). I like the implicit allusion to 'mirrors' in terms like 'reflective practice' too. With best wishes. Nick

27/2/2013 01:07:04 pm

Bill, Thanks for your message and the link. I also watched the video. Indeed, the Mirror can be a nice reflective exercise, as Nick also suggests. However, since I am an expert in implicit cognition and how one can reach this inner level of consciousness with awareness so he/she can benefit the most from the exercise and not simply "fantasize," I would add that in order for this to be beneficial, create awareness and knowledge for a lasting benefit, it has to be done from the inner level, not the outer level of the human mind. It is beneficial and revolutionary when it taps the inner level of awareness, and the results immense. It is though imperative that ones learns to master this inner level with awareness. Awareness at the inner or subconscious level, if you will, is a must.

27/2/2013 01:07:56 pm

Agree, I am a psychologist and a psychoanalyst.

27/2/2013 01:08:41 pm

Bill neither psychology nor psychoanalysis have a way of teaching self mind control. It requires dynamic meditation and controlled awareness.

27/2/2013 08:08:36 pm

OK Enlighten me.

Mirror mirror

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