Pause

25/11/2019

‘Don’t just do something. Stand there.’ (White Rabbit – Alice in Wonderland)

It was 1 hour before the workshop was due to start and we discovered the room had been double-booked. With delegates due to arrive at any moment, the pressure and risk was to spring into action to solve this. Suddenly, I remembered the simple yet profound words of a girl in the Philippines: ‘First, pray’. So I paused, prayed, finished my cup of tea (I’m British) then walked calmly to the foyer. The manager appeared: ‘I’ve found you a fantastic alternative room at a nearby conference venue.’

Another occasion. A team meeting was due to start but the leader had been held up elsewhere. He arrived late and saw the anxious gazes of team members at the already packed-full agenda. The risk and temptation was to race through the items at breakneck speed. Instead, he paused, took a deep breath and encouraged others to do the same. Then, he turned the agenda upside down on the table. ‘What, for us, would be a great use of the time we have available?’ Sighs of relief all round.

There’s a question, an idea, a principle here. Guy Rothwell calls it Space and Pace: discerning and deciding when to pause (pray) and when to leap. Pause too long and you may miss the opportunity, allow issues to escalate or frustrate others who need decisions or actions from you. Leap too soon and you may miss wiser options, fail to notice important implications or deprive others of creating better solutions. How do you handle space and pace? How do you enable others to do so too?

80 Comments

Louise Winter

25/11/2019 08:07:39 pm

An unplanned break or delay makes me nervous and insecure. A question for me is, how can we know the right timing: whether to wait or to act? Sometimes we can only guess and learn by trusting in God. He can give us the courage we need for spontaneity and creativity. Perhaps some intuition can help too?

Nick Wright

25/11/2019 09:37:45 pm

Hi Louise. Thanks for such an honest personal response. Yes, how to know and to discern in the moment - an important question! I agree that faith and intuition can help, perhaps by at least enabling us to avoid a panic reaction?

Jane Edge

25/11/2019 09:38:31 pm

Powerful message on “pace and space” as the end of 2019 approaches and we set our sights on 2020.

25/11/2019 09:38:56 pm

Thank you, Jane!

Peter Welch

28/11/2019 11:51:08 am

Good message for these busy and often fraught times!

28/11/2019 11:51:37 am

Thanks Peter. Yes, I sometimes need to remember to breathe!

Noha Kamel

28/11/2019 12:59:04 pm

Well said, Nick.

28/11/2019 12:59:20 pm

Thanks Noha.

Linda Kepschull-Boes

28/11/2019 02:23:45 pm

This is so true and a lesson that took me several years to figure out. Pause, pray don't just act. Thanks for this reminder.

28/11/2019 02:25:15 pm

Thanks Linda. Yes, I could write a book about all the miracles I've seen and experienced when I've prayed and not just acted. I keep remembering to do it...then forgetting...then remembering again..!

E.G.Sebastian - CPC, CSL

28/11/2019 07:58:57 pm

Beautiful! (excellent opening quote 👧🐶)

Yes, as a results of lots of "prayer" - ok, in my case silent meditation with lots of Auto-Suggestion (I'm calm in any situation / I'm calm in any situation / I'm calm.... 20 times in the AM and 20 times in the PM... for YEARS), I great to become a monk-like calm person (and as discussed before, sometimes too calm in situation where I perhaps should have kicked some a$s).

There were situations in life when people were panicking and running, and I just calmly thought it through and handled it. And, yes, sometimes I think, what if the "situation" is gun fire, and I stay calm, and because I didn't "panic" and didn't duck, I get shot...

This one time the gas stove "blew up" (was no heating in communist Romania - 'were heating the house with kitchen stove). Fire was coming up through the nobs - pushing the fire far, horizontally, and on top the fire was coming out crazy high... and my dad was yelling for all of us to leave the house. I was 19. Instead of running like everyone else, I walked passed the fire, to the other corner of the kitchen, and turned off the gas from the main line.

And that's just one example of many, where I handled critical situations with a cold head :)

28/11/2019 08:03:18 pm

Hi E.G. Your stories always inspire me...and make me smile! :) I love the Auto-Suggestion mantra and the story of the exploding stove. How many lives have you lived?! On the question of whether or not to 'panic' in any given situation, you may like this short related piece? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/panic

28/11/2019 09:12:29 pm

Great related piece :) -- Wow! You've been through some scary situations as well (and I'm guessing missionary work in the PI comes with its own moments of testing your "panic mode")

28/11/2019 09:15:12 pm

Thanks E.G. I think the most challenging experience I've encountered in the Philippines has been walking behind this amazing woman: http://www.nick-wright.com/a-radical-heart.html

28/11/2019 10:17:55 pm

Hmm... you scared me there for a moment, Nick. WOW, what a story...!

So... are you saying you feel really safe there?

I almost visited a few times, but my wife always worried that I'd get kidnapped or something...

28/11/2019 10:22:36 pm

I don't think I ever feel 100% safe there, but I try to stay well away from Mindanao - or where boats have easy access to Mindanao.

28/11/2019 11:12:24 pm

That's what it was, Mindanao - "pirates," right?

28/11/2019 11:14:00 pm

Abu Sayyaf territory. 🥺

Monique Caissie

28/11/2019 08:04:35 pm

So true. Great insights!

28/11/2019 08:04:54 pm

Thank you, Monique!

John Ardern

28/11/2019 08:05:49 pm

In market research focus groups, we’d even engineer “pregnant pauses” to see what would happen!!

In my experience of 2000 groups over my long career, I had 2 of them disrupted by a fire alarm! Now that WAS interesting!!!

🤓🦉👍🎩🎀

28/11/2019 08:11:06 pm

Hi John. I'd love to hear more about how you engineered 'pregnant pauses'. What did you do and what happened?

On the fire alarm front, I remember a job interview. Just as we were about to ask the candidate if she had any questions for us at the end, the fire alarm sounded and we all had to leave the building. We stood in the pouring rain for an hour before being allowed back in (we could call this a 'long damp pause'), at which point we now asked the now-drenched candidate the question. She politely answered, 'No' and left the building. I never saw or heard from her again!

29/11/2019 11:59:10 am

Nick, the important aspect of moderating groups is to encourage spontaneity . So “pregnant pauses” just happen when participants run out of things to say! So just stop promoting or probing!

Re the fire-alarms, both groups were interestingly with business respondents (was that a co-incidence?) at one (amongst dentists) someone stole the incentives whilst we were outside and the other (travel group organisers) some really interesting stories were told!

Ring or email me if you want to know more!
🤓🦉👍🎩🎀

29/11/2019 12:04:06 pm

Thanks John. 'Stop prompting or probing' reminds me of encounter groups I co-facilitated with a psychotherapist as part of counselling training some years ago.

My colleague would open each session by sitting in silence, often gazing at the floor...and holding complete silence. It was fascinating to see and experience what then emerged in the group.

Your dentist story made me laugh!! :)

29/11/2019 12:19:43 pm

Nick,interesting variation on how to start a session! Sounds almost like PGT!
Re: the dentists group, I don’t think it was a dentist who “took them out”! The insurance claim didnt sound funny either!
“Encounter” Groups? What are they? I used to do a lot of what I called “dialectic” groups (or even “Hegel groups” - Peter Cooper called them “Challenge” Groups or even “Cooper Groups!) where respondents were deliberately recruited to have opposite views to see what happened! I had great results with these - the best ones were on “vegetarian meat pies” - they looked like, smelt like and tasted like meat, but they weren’t (early years of Quorn!) but the vegetarians wouldn’t try even them, despite salivating profusely with the other senses!
My new book “Why you can’t be everybody’s friend” contains several of these gems - due to be launched end January 2020!

29/11/2019 12:27:33 pm

Hi John. The best description I've found of an 'encounter group' (sometimes called a T-group) is: "a group of people who meet, usually with a trained leader, to increase self-awareness and social sensitivity, and to change behavior through interpersonal confrontation, self-disclosure, and strong emotional expression. (dictionary.com)

I love the sound of your dialectic/Hegel groups!! What a great way to create space and opportunity to challenge assumptions etc. Do you have any write-ups - you could share - of how you set up such meetings, contracted with participants, facilitated the space etc?

On a related theme, you may find this short piece interesting. I've used it with quite a number of diverse groups to date, often with quite dramatic effects: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/spots

Derrick Harriott AHCP

28/11/2019 09:16:29 pm

Great post ! No good ever came out of a decision taken in panic mode. Slow the thought process down in your head then make you next move.

28/11/2019 09:20:06 pm

Thanks Derrick! I guess it's sometimes about slowing down (enough)- to make a decision fast (enough).

Helen Rueben

28/11/2019 09:21:09 pm

Like it.

28/11/2019 09:21:27 pm

Thanks Helen. :)

Katrina Tiña

28/11/2019 10:32:25 pm

Great insights!

28/11/2019 10:37:16 pm

Thanks Katrina!

Maria Varallo

29/11/2019 11:55:04 am

Great question! Space and pace comes with experience, being self aware not self conscious. Noticing them - the group, myself, us and understanding what’s needed in that moment. Trusting myself. Actually it’s very hard to explain.

29/11/2019 11:56:08 am

Thanks Maria. I like your focus on awareness in-the-moment.

Anne McGuire AMInstLM

29/11/2019 12:05:17 pm

Flexibility matters🦢

29/11/2019 12:05:47 pm

Hi Anne. Indeed. Do you have any examples from experience you could share here?

Abhishek C Kumar

29/11/2019 12:07:08 pm

Really thoughtful!

29/11/2019 12:07:39 pm

Thank you, Abhishek!

Scott Tate

29/11/2019 12:09:39 pm

As the owner of a gym for #gymtroverts as we’ve coined it @motustrainingstudio we answer this by making a practice of actually checking in with the person in front of you before we begin. That, and as one of my clients like to describe it, the magic for her is in going slow, focus and intention can be very different ways into “the gym”

29/11/2019 12:17:00 pm

Hi Scott. 'Gymtroverts' made me smile. :) We could reframe, 'checking in with the person in front of you before we begin' as 'checking in...is how we begin'. What do you think? You reminded me of some team coaching I did with an intensely busy executive team in an international NGO. They hadn't met for some weeks owing to extensive travel overseas etc.

They were tempted to jump into business. However, I encouraged them first to be present to each other...to 'check in' with each other as people first. They did so, and the effect was amazing. Having arrived feeling pressured and stressed, they spent an hour of a 3-hour meeting re-connecting with each other as human beings. Then they prayed...and the conversations that followed were transformed.

Randah Taher

29/11/2019 02:21:31 pm

That's a very nice way to present it. yes sometimes the whole agenda needs to be reconfigured because of the time and energy of people who are ready to create impact. I do this all the time when facilitating. You need to read the group's energy and be prepared to change things the last moment by either cancelling a whole segment or adding something if the energy is building up.

29/11/2019 02:24:45 pm

Thanks Randah. Good to hear how you notice energy in the room. After all, there can be a big difference between, 'What should we focus our attention on?' and 'How much energy do we have to do this?' If energy is low, I will ask a person or group, 'So what do we need to shift our energy as we work together on this?'

30/11/2019 07:37:11 am

Nick, exactly. And many times the answer is food :) that's why I make sure there's always food available, especially if it's an ideation session I'm running, because I squeeze their thinking juices and they get really hungry 😂

30/11/2019 07:42:20 am

Hi Randah. That would make such an interesting research project! The relationship between food (and which types of food) and creativity - particularly in different cultural contexts. My brother worked in Brunei, for instance, and found there that food was they key to almost any successful meeting. 😎

30/11/2019 08:14:26 am

Nick, food is definitely important in all my work, it's a requirement for me, whether I'm doing it in Canada or the UAE. So yes, it goes beyond cultural settings. But what I also include, which I don't have much research from, is the involvement of the sense of smell. On the tables where people will have access to all the paper, markers and post its are sometimes sachets of rosemary, lavendar or cinnamon, depending whether I'm doing an ideation or a conversion on ideas. They smell it, and suddenly the neurons are in charge 😉

30/11/2019 08:15:36 am

Hi Randah. You may find this short article interesting, particularly vis a vis lavender and rosemary smells and corresponding brain function: https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20131022-hacking-senses-to-boost-learning

Bianca Boyce

30/11/2019 09:13:57 am

Great post Nick 😊 create the space to respond as opposed to reacting, is key.

30/11/2019 09:15:32 am

Thanks Bianca. Respond vs react is a great way of summarising this idea. 💡

30/11/2019 09:21:59 am

Thank you for sharing ❤

30/11/2019 09:22:40 am

Hi Bianca. You’re welcome. 😀

1/12/2019 06:01:22 pm

A great post, Nick, on creating space between thoughts and actions.

It may seem like an easy thing to do, but from my experience in life, and with the many clients I have coached, it is not common for people to operate in that way, particularly when under pressure.

You can be the most grounded, organised, intelligent, educated, and rational human being, and still revert back to "flight or fight" mode when an unexpected change ignites fear in you.

Change is not a fear that we are born with, but so many people fear it.

Now, in times where change is constantly occuring at a rapid rate, what impact do you think the 'fight or flight' response, is having on the overall mental wellbeing of yourself, and the people you work with.

One of the common impacts I see and have experienced myself, is people living in a constant state of anxiety.

Through coaching, counselling and the many other supportive interventions, you can learn techniques to re-condition the way your mind responds. This, of course leads you to feel and act differently. You learn the art of "responding" as opposed to "reacting" and become aware of your own triggers.

1/12/2019 06:03:00 pm

Thanks Bianca - and very well said. 💫

Chris Lee B.Ed. Tech IOSH

30/11/2019 10:13:21 am

Adapt and overcome.

30/11/2019 10:13:55 am

Hi Chris. Do you have any examples of adapting-and-overcoming that you could share here?

Joshua Freedman

30/11/2019 12:05:40 pm

Unfortunately difficult to do. When we feel pressured we tend to go into autopilot & become more task (less people) focused. It’s one reason actively practicing EQ is so powerful.

30/11/2019 12:09:11 pm

Hi Joshua. I think that depends on where different people tend to default to when under pressure and stress (see, e.g. Myers-Briggs 'In the Grip'; Hogan 'Dark Side'). I expect there are broader cultural factors at play too. In my experience, learning EI-SI is simple...but not easy!

Hanna Walter

3/12/2019 07:09:55 pm

Great post. After a few minutes of relaxation or meditation we are more creative and more connected with ourselves. I started to meditate 5 years ago and I am a different person, much more creative and even more happy 😊 .Thanks for the post.

3/12/2019 07:11:00 pm

Thanks for the encouraging feedback, Hanna, and for sharing such a personal testimony of the positive difference that 'space' can make! :)

Susan Scholtz

4/12/2019 12:36:38 pm

Wow.

4/12/2019 12:36:55 pm

Thanks Susan. Can you say more?! :)

4/12/2019 09:13:02 pm

I think to focus on a pause is an excellent idea. In the rushed world we live in, to breathe may allow things to happen naturally. I also take clients through breathing exercises before sessions. In a relaxed state of mind, information hidden in the subconscious mind, become more accessible and easier to verbalise.

4/12/2019 09:17:38 pm

Thanks Susan. Yes, amazing the difference that pausing for breath can make! I often think of it as allowing the proverbial dust to settle enough to see clearly again. On that note, you may find a couple of related short pieces interesting?

http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/pit-stop
http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/catharsis

Chris Altizer, MA, MBA

4/12/2019 02:15:06 pm

Wonderful post! For me, a mindful pause is supported by an intentional, slow breath described in your second example. If I remember to slowly, deeply inhale I can expand my entire self to meet what is happening. Then - and this part is more important - if I remember to EVEN MORE slowly and fully release my inhalation without sound and through my nose, I can release enough of the immediate tension and images of crisis to create space for solutions. I love your examples. “Change venue? Unfair! Why me? Refund! Embarrassed!” “Late? Not my fault! Not enough time!” The deep, slow breath tells the body that it’s all ok, the body tells the mind, specifically the parasympathetic nervous system, that it’s all ok. No need to fight. No need for flight, no reason to freeze. Thank you for this post.

4/12/2019 02:21:12 pm

Hi Chris and thank you for such heartwarming feedback. Yes, an act as simple as paying attention to our breathing can have a dramatic effect on our mental, emotional and physical state. I heard one commentator say that even a 'vocalisation' of the unspeakable name of God (YHWH) in Hebrew can be articulated as a breath in YH- followed by a breath out -WH. Deep. John Miller's, Question Behind the Question (2004) has some similar insights on how we frame, or might re-frame, an issue or experience and the impact that has on our state, stance and response.

Barbara A. Mellor

4/12/2019 02:43:38 pm

It’s a challenging way to beingness that accelerates or decelerates based on the momentum of the interaction between people... authentic sometimes irreverent...most often what needs to be said without any judgment.

4/12/2019 02:48:10 pm

Hi Barbara. I like your phrase, 'authentic sometimes irreverent.' On that note, you may find this short related piece interesting? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/disruptive-influence

Farida Nizamuddin

6/12/2019 12:03:32 pm

This was one of the best things i read in a long while. :) Damn. And what a leader that was. Gorgeous!

6/12/2019 12:07:15 pm

Thanks Farida. That's very encouraging feedback! Yes, I felt proud of the leader too. I had been working with him as a coach on a simple yet not-always-easy principle to follow of: Pause-Reflect-Act. In case of interest, here's a link to a short piece on that theme: http://www.nick-wright.com/pause-reflect-act.html

Charmaine Camille Sherlock, BA, ACPC

8/12/2019 10:51:26 am

Nick, you are always bang on!

Been there just recently...

We have to go-with-the-flow and work with who & what energy is in the room/space.

As coaches/OD professionals, that is the value we add in the moment.

THANK YOU!
Charmaine

8/12/2019 10:55:38 am

Thank you, Charmaine, for such kind and affirming feedback. 😊 I would love to hear what you think of this latest, contrasting piece? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/disruptive-influence

Sandra Whiles - ICF PCC

8/12/2019 08:46:13 pm

Love this. Thanks Nick. I’ve found that staying in the moment, often with the unknowing, really works.

8/12/2019 08:48:49 pm

Thanks Sandra. Yes, as a coach supervisor friend puts it, 'It's about learning to relax...or, at times, learning to hold your nerve.'

Zoryna O'Donnell MBA FInstLM

8/12/2019 08:49:54 pm

Great post, thank you, Nick.

8/12/2019 08:50:24 pm

Thanks for your encouraging feedback, Zoryna.

Dave Berman

9/12/2019 11:16:22 pm

When I lived in Saigon, I offered free laughter yoga classes in 23/9 Park. I promoted on Facebook and sometimes people showed up looking for me. Other times, nobody did.

But it was a park and there were always people around. Often young adults approached me eager to practice their English skills. I had been clear with myself about not wanting to be just another expat English teacher keeping regular classroom hours and conforming to conventional norms of attire and teaching methods. This scenario helped me realize two things.

1. People would join a laughter session if I told them I'm not there to teach English, but if you laugh with me then afterwards we can discuss the experience in English.

2. I could use laughter as the foundation for teaching public speaking skills to non-native English speakers so they could advance their careers.

Staying open to new possibilities created the opportunity for me to take on paying students who I absolutely loved playing with as they learned even more than they thought was on offer approaching just another foreigner on an ordinary visit to the park.

9/12/2019 11:24:15 pm

Hi Dave. Interesting! I once did some work in Hanoi and was struck by how rarely people smiled. An interpreter explained to me that, in that culture, people who smile a lot are regarded as crazy!

There are some resonances in what you did and discovered with some work I did in the Philippines. This short piece may be of interest? http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/p-p-i-t-r-s

9/12/2019 11:59:55 pm

Very cool, Nick! Those ground rules you mention seemed to be baked in to the experience I intuitively created without explicitly stating them. Well, actually, the OK to make mistakes part was pretty central because I always emphasized the most important laughter "exercise" of all is laughing at ourselves (to develop self acceptance, rather than being self deprecating - or self defecating because there is no need to shit on ourselves! hahaha).

10/12/2019 12:03:09 am

Thanks Dave. I’m sure the people who joined you sensed those ground rules intuitively too. So much trust is established through how we relate to people and what they experience in and through us.

10/12/2019 12:27:11 am

I'm sure that's true, Nick. Plus laughter is a great equalizer. We can all do it and there is no need for hierarchy. In fact, the observation you made earlier about a culture of not smiling out of concern for being deemed crazy really fueled my innovation of many new ways to laugh and connect and break down barriers. I'm sure there were some side-eyed looks but that never bothered me. Instead, I think I was mostly admired for being so free spirited and many people aspired to experience such freedom. That definitely drew people to me.

10/12/2019 12:28:43 am

Hi Dave. It certainly sounds like a fascinating cross-cultural experiment and experience! 😀

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