 Mike Wilson is a great leader and challenged me with his typical warmth and smile: ‘Nick, I’ve noticed you always stamp draft on the front cover when you submit a paper, proposal or report. I’m going to encourage you not to do it next time and to see how that is for you...’ Mike was astute and had touched on a deep point. What did draft represent for me? Why did I do it? This event was some years ago now but I remember that conversation, that feeling, that revelation, vividly.
A previous leader had commented that I produced very high standards of work and yet, on the flip side, it sometimes I meant I spent too much time and effort on one task to the detriment of another. It was as if I was trying to do everything perfectly, irrespective of what the task called for. I felt continually pressured and stressed and blamed it on unrealistic demands. I needed to learn that, in most situations, ‘good enough’ isn’t mediocre or a failure. It really is good – and enough. There are, of course, circumstances in which exceptionally high standards are important. I look at the Rio Olympics this week and marvel at the incredible training, stamina, ability and achievements. Yet if we apply the same principle to everything we do, we risk becoming anxious and disheartened, exhausted or depressed. I think the key here is in something about wisdom and discernment, perspective and choice. This is so much easier to achieve with support than on our own. So here are some useful coaching options: 1. Psychodynamic, cognitive behavioural or personal construct coaching to explore and address beliefs and values. 2. Person-centred or mindfulness coaching to notice and handle feelings differently. 3. Gestalt, systems-based or social construct coaching to identify and address relational, cultural and contextual drivers. 4. Appreciative inquiry, strengths-based or solutions-focused coaching to build on ‘good’ and create a new future.
98 Comments
Gwen Griffith
14/8/2016 11:01:00 pm
Nick,
Nick Wright
14/8/2016 11:03:12 pm
Thanks Gwen. I love the way you expressed that. Like creating your own cocktail coaching approach. ;) All the best. Nick
Gwen Griffith
14/8/2016 11:17:23 pm
🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷
Nick Wright
14/8/2016 11:21:44 pm
Hi Gwen. Ah, well that would explain it. :) I blog as a way of clarifying my own thinking too. It's a great way of inviting insights, ideas, critique etc from others. It means I don't need to have everything perfectly thought through in advance. I always appreciate people's generosity in responding. Thank you! All the best. Nick
Alison Simmons
15/8/2016 10:06:50 am
I enjoyed reading that Nick, thank you for sharing your experience. Mike Wilson gave you good advice I think. I often leave " draft " in a document title to indicate that others can still influence the outcome and to encourage them to do so. :)
Nick Wright
15/8/2016 10:11:13 am
Thanks Alison. Leaving 'draft' in a document title as an invitation to others to contribute can be a very good reason for doing it. I think that, at the time Mike posed the challenge, I was posting 'draft' because I was concerned that I may have missed something important - and that tapped into my subconscious anxieties around fear of failure and fear of rejection. Interestingly, when I stopped stamping 'draft' on the front, it felt very liberating! All the best. Nick
Aramide Akisanya
15/8/2016 02:12:07 pm
As always, thank you for this article Nick.
Nick Wright
15/8/2016 02:12:43 pm
Thank you for your kind feedback, Aramide. All the best. Nick
Dr Trish Turner
15/8/2016 02:23:30 pm
Or #5 - integrative coaching, using all of the above as needed and appropriate! Nice post, Nick.
Nick Wright
15/8/2016 02:28:50 pm
Thanks Trish! That's an interesting idea. I work with coaches who are pragmatic in outlook and quite happy to move between and, at times, blend insights and approaches from different models depending on what could be most useful for the client. I work with others who are - shall we say - far more 'pure' in their approach and see integrative approaches as bordering on coaching heresy! All the best. Nick
Dr Trish Turner
16/8/2016 09:01:32 am
Hi Nick, I'm integratively trained as a counsellor/psychotherapist, so it doesn't feel any less 'pure', instead it's about using the common points where all those approaches meet. Trish
Nick Wright
16/8/2016 09:04:38 am
Thanks Trish. Yes, I find it interesting to see how notions of 'pure' are socially constructed in coaching, counselling and related professions - along with different beliefs and values that people associate with it! All the best. Nick
Melissa Lewis
15/8/2016 02:54:47 pm
It's the beauty of coaching to make a blend of approaches or figure out a creative way to overcome the challenge. If my client has a deep sense of trust, I use humor. It's just more fun.
Nick Wright
15/8/2016 02:58:28 pm
Hi Melissa. Yes, humour with the right client in the right situation with the right level of trust - ...that sounds like lots of provisos! - can be a great way of, e.g. releasing tension, shifting perspective or creating fresh insights, ideas and possibilities. All the best. Nick
Silvia Martin Palacio
15/8/2016 04:36:55 pm
90% of my clients have this issue and I use number 2 a lot, also inquiries and give them little practical exercises to do.
Nick Wright
15/8/2016 04:40:24 pm
Hi Silvia. Wow, 90% is a very high proportion. I'm very curious: what's your hypothesis about why that might be, e.g. because you specialise in and attact people with this tendency; because your clients are in cultural environments that demands perfection? Also, do you have any examples of practical exercises that your clients have found useful in this area? All the best. Nick
Michelle Braun
15/8/2016 04:48:23 pm
Ha. I'm a recovering perfectionist who still puts DRAFT things. Tks for sharing this - esp. the resources at the end. I'm a huge fan of Appreciative Inquiry.
Nick Wright
15/8/2016 04:49:39 pm
Thanks Michelle! Perhaps we should start a support group..? Perfectionists Anonymous. ;) All the best. Nick
Ivan Stevanovic
16/8/2016 08:44:59 am
You just let them have it. Everything must be perfect. Of course by their merits. This is if client is a customer. If it is a coworker, than accept and acknowledge but try to offer other "imperfect" point of view just to show it also exists and it is ok. Does this fit into any of offered alternative approaches?
Nick Wright
16/8/2016 08:46:15 am
Hi Ivan. I think that's an interesting point: whose view of 'perfection' are we dealing with and how does that influence how we might deal with it? All the best. Nick
Ian Reid
16/8/2016 08:46:54 am
I'm rather interested in how we work with fellow "perfectionist" coaches, e.g. in supervision - it can really inform us. If LI posts are any measure, is it a case of "Phsyician heal thyself" first?
Nick Wright
16/8/2016 08:48:45 am
Hi Ian and thanks for the note. I'm intrigued: can you say a bit more about what you had in mind vis a vis 'it can really inform us' and 'physician heal thyself first'? All the best. Nick
Ian Reid
19/8/2016 09:45:14 am
Well Nick, "informing" is about checking out with yourself who owns the "perfection" being sought, represented, or worked with - client or practitioner. And for "physician heal thyself", a swift look around social media will reveal umpteen practitioners who have never put a foot wrong in 300'000 claimed client hours, are all at the top of their game, and yet often simply peddle fears for which they (and they alone) have "the perfect solution"...
Nick Wright
19/8/2016 09:49:29 am
Good points, Ian! 'Who owns the perfection' is a great question, especially as 'perfection' it could be owned by a wider culture that extends beyond the personal beliefs and boundaries of client or practitioner. And, yes, I recognise the portrayals you describe on social media too! All the best. Nick
Ian Reid
19/8/2016 10:50:39 am
I see good suoervision as the antidote to "practitioner perfectionism". Yes, we strive to be the best we can, but a good supervisor will help clarify - and challenge - perfectionism in all its forms.
Nick Wright
19/8/2016 10:51:28 am
Hi Ian. Check this out: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/spotlight All the best. Nick
Maria Wiley
16/8/2016 08:49:34 am
A colleague suggested to me I strive for excellence rather than perfection....reframing in this way has been both rewarding and challenging!
Nick Wright
16/8/2016 08:50:31 am
Thanks Maria! Yes, isn't it interesting how the language we use can have such an impact, including on ourselves..? All the best. Nick
David Kiely
16/8/2016 08:52:30 am
I have also found, in my limited experience, that perfectionists are constantly second guessing themselves and questioning their every move. Without delving into the past too deeply, it is worth exploring any potential issues that have impacted upon the coachee and developed this self-doubt. Your point about building on the good is a very important one. In the words of Sir Alex Ferguson..."The most important words in the English language...'Well Done' "
Nick Wright
16/8/2016 09:00:23 am
Thanks David. Yes, inviting the client to reflect on earlier experiences that may have shaped their views and feelings about themselves and the world can be useful. This is consistent with a psychodynamic approach. We can also invite the client to reflect on what is influencing them here and now - e.g. working in a culture in which 'failure is not an option'. I agree: 'Well done' can be very powerful...especially if we are able to say it to ourselves and, in that moment, to believe it. All the best. Nick
Robert Hodge
16/8/2016 09:05:39 am
Ah, perfectionists have their issues. Yet, perfectionism is in the eyes of each person. I suggest this is highly contextual. The officer of a nuclear plant needs higher levels of exactness in process than the one experimenting with a colors to paint a house. Then, the expectations of those being served. My bank president wanted a one pager with a recommendation, finished so that he could tell the homework was done, and approve it. Then, in a college with much consensus, the president complained about the nice titles and fonts as they seemed to convey something that had been honed and finished, ready for approval, bypassing discussion. So, I learned to intentionally write "draft" or make some minor goofs, giving others an opportunity the chance and incentive to read it more thoroughly. Another president didn't want anything in writing until he had talked much,and changed his mind often, thinking by talking out loud, then making a unilateral decision. Adaptability is key.
Nick Wright
16/8/2016 09:10:35 am
Hi Robert and thanks for posting such interesting comments and such a great example from experience. I think there is a difference between 'perfect' - which I agree depends on context and what is construed as perfect in that context - and 'perfectionism' which we could think of as a psychological (sometimes cultural) disposition. In the former case we could, say, explore with a client what is construed as 'needed' in that context. In the latter we could, say, explore what is driving a client's behaviour in spite of what is needed. It's not as clear cut as that in practice...but it may be a useful distinction in emphasis? All the best. Nick
Tania Potter
16/8/2016 08:11:30 pm
Oh, I love that, good and enough!
Nick Wright
16/8/2016 08:12:40 pm
Thanks Tania! :) All the best. Nick
Robert Simpson BA (Hons) PGCE FIFL FHEA MCMI
16/8/2016 08:14:15 pm
For many people there is often a fear of failure and this leads all too often to a far too critical view of their work. A change in language and re-framing feedback or self-reflective comments under the heading of 'development opportunities' can be much more helpful and in many ways life changing. Thank you for the post.
Nick Wright
16/8/2016 08:24:26 pm
Hi Robert and thanks for the note. I agree. In a training context, it can be very useful to find ways at the outset to make it OK for participants to 'fail' and to discuss this openly with the group. If they feel as if they have to be perfect and demonstrate perfection in the group, it can seriously inhibit their learning and contribution.
John Whittington
17/8/2016 01:59:56 pm
Interesting topic. I tried to write something on this subject last week, from a systemic perspective: http://www.lifeloveleadership.com/perfectionism/ Hope that may be useful in the context of your point 3. Best, John
Nick Wright
17/8/2016 02:07:18 pm
Hi John and thanks for posting the link.
Darryn Airey
17/8/2016 02:09:04 pm
OR....... Netflix and chill ! 😜 realising that progress rather than perfection is paramount, and as coaches, if we are TOO perfect, there is a chance we alienate the very clients we endeavour to help. I don't mean to make it too simplistic, but the saying "to err is to be human" has some relevance in the sense it makes us more in touch and not disconnected from our clients. As you say, there are times where perfection is required, but I believe we know when and where this is the case and see it as an exception rather than rule. No criticism, only my 5 cents worth.
Nick Wright
17/8/2016 02:14:26 pm
Thanks Darryn. I think that's an interesting point about the coach being 'too perfect' and what that may signal to the client. It can also be true that a client who is a perfectionist will be disappointed with anything less than what they see as 'perfect' from the coach. I think this is where explicit contracting at the outset and critical reflection on route can be very important. Questions such as, 'What are we here to do?', 'What would success look and feel like in this relationship?', 'What are we noticing as we work together?' can make a real difference. Oh, and chill time too!! :) All the best. Nick
Chris Pearse
17/8/2016 04:05:18 pm
The story of the 2 pottery classes comes to mind: One class was asked to make the best pot it could. The other was asked to make as many as it could. The second class did indeed make the most. It also made the best...
Nick Wright
17/8/2016 04:06:11 pm
Thanks Chris. An intriguing story! Can you say more..? All the best. Nick
Chris Pearse
17/8/2016 04:32:25 pm
Yes of course Nick. Perfectionism is often a symptom of outcome fixation - a belief that the result is the be-all and end-all of activity. It isn't, in fact it undermines both the activity and its outcome. For me, the story illustrates how shifting focus away from the result, to the activity can be beneficial - I bet they had more fun too. The All Blacks get this, but a lot of business/executive coaches just don't.
Janice Swierczek
18/8/2016 09:46:43 am
Anytime you can reach out an make an individual feel comfortable to be who he/she is while in your presence, experiment within, and learn from the course you are training, that, to me, is perfection. Nothing draft about it!
Nick Wright
18/8/2016 09:50:10 am
Thanks for the note, Janice. It reminds me that different people have different ideas, hopes, expectations etc. of what is needed to feel that it is 'perfect'. I think a tricky part in a training environment can be if a participant (or, for that matter, the trainer) have expectations of themselves or others that are so high and unrealistic that they become inhibiting to the learning process. In that case, finding ways to raise awareness and work with it becomes very important. Does that make sense? All the best. Nick
Janice Swierczek
19/8/2016 09:51:13 am
Hi Nick, Appreciated the note. I agree that unrealistically high expectations, whether the trainer's or the trainee's, can inhibit learning. Working with the situation and within the situation to identify and remove unrealistic expectations can only enhance the learning atmosphere for all.
sekararajan balagurunathan
18/8/2016 09:51:17 am
It is better to welcome and inclusive of them to improve our training and to maintain the conducive environment.
Nick Wright
18/8/2016 09:53:24 am
Hi Sekararajan and thanks for the note. Yes, welcome and inclusion are important. I guess a question to consider, as a trainer, is what different people need to feel welcome and included, including those with perfectionist tendencies? All the best. Nick
Sue Maitland
18/8/2016 09:54:32 am
One thing I've learned from building my own coaching practice is that waiting for everything to be perfect, often means wasting valuable time perfecting something that isn't even needed. Now I conduct surveys that allow me to zero in on exactly what potential clients would perceive as valuable and I always ask for feedback on my offerings so I can refine my services for future clients. I'll even declare that I have a pilot offering and that I'm asking for feedback and offer special pricing in return for this feedback. It's made a huge difference to my business and clients love providing their input.
Nick Wright
18/8/2016 09:58:13 am
Hi Sue and thanks for sharing such great insights from your own experience. I think your point about what 'what clients would perceive as valuable' is critical. It stresses the importance of contracting at the outset (and, at times, recontracting on route) with clients, rather than basing our work and interventions on our own assumptions. Providing incentives for honest feedback can be a great idea too - especially if we invite feedback on route and not just after an intervention! :) All the best. Nick
Jeremy Stunt
18/8/2016 09:59:55 am
To add to Nick's comments, some questions that may help include "By whose standards are you judging yourself?" with a follow-up question along the lines of "What is that [a need for those standards] taking care of for you?" or "How is that helping you?"
Nick Wright
18/8/2016 10:07:58 am
Hi Jeremy. I think those are great questions and I like your 'perfect, cheap, now' framework too. I can imagine how it could help clarify expectations and avoid misunderstandings. It reminds me of delegation principles that look at what is being delegated (or is open to negotiation) and what isn't, e.g. outcome, process, timeframe, budget etc.
Jeremy Stunt
19/8/2016 09:52:53 am
I agree Nick, those "factors" that you mention are very often assessments (assumptions, judgements): I am a person who does not accept low standards (really?), my boss would be annoyed if I questioned her request (really?). A conversation to ground those assessments can be very helpful.
Nick Wright
19/8/2016 09:57:30 am
Hi Jeremy. I think your comment about testing assumptions is so important - whether that be about my own beliefs (e.g. 'I must do everything perfectly to be loved') or what I'm assuming about others' expectations (e.g. those my boss, my peers or the wider culture). All the best. Nick
Annie Campbell
18/8/2016 10:09:27 am
Good enough and not being attached to the outcome is often foreign difficult for many to consider. However, good enough is so many times the exact answer! Right now, right here in this moment it is "good enough.
Nick Wright
18/8/2016 10:13:14 am
Hi Annie and thanks for the note. I wonder if part of the issue is that what constitutes 'good enough' is different for different people? Perhaps questions such as 'What would be good and enough in this situation?', 'Who decides what is good and enough here?' or 'What would feel good and enough for you?' could raise valuable personal, relational, cultural and contextual awareness? All the best. Nick
Caroline Collins, PhD
18/8/2016 10:14:48 am
Great piece... something we try to focus on in coaching future female leaders.
Nick Wright
18/8/2016 10:16:06 am
Thanks Caroline! I'm curious: Is this a trait you notice particularly in female leaders? How do you approach it through coaching? Do you have any examples you could share? All the best. Nick
Caroline Collins, PhD
18/8/2016 11:12:42 am
Hi Nick... it's more anecdotal than anything but when I've been on recruitment panels throughout my career you come across men who'll "give it a go" (applying for a job that's beyond they're current skill set or in setting stretch goals) and women who's focus is more on "do I have all 10 out of 10 of the requirements already in hand" It's a generalisation for sure, with some notable exceptions, but is one that's important to explore in personal development planning and in managing expectations around failure being as much of a lesson and experience-gain than successes!
Nick Wright
18/8/2016 11:17:24 am
Hi Caroline. I think that's an interesting observation. I wonder how far it reflects organisational and wider cultural expectations around what is expected of men and women to be regarded as 'successful'? You may be interested in some of the comments under this short piece: http://www.nick-wright.com/blog/the-gender-agenda All the best. Nick
Caroline Collins, PhD
18/8/2016 02:14:55 pm
Thanks Nick - will take a look!
Paul Dalson
18/8/2016 02:06:56 pm
In some things perfection is needed, space travel, nuclear energy... but most of the time we can advance the game without being perfect.
Nick Wright
18/8/2016 02:08:37 pm
Hi Paul. I think that's true. The challenge sometimes lays in discerning the difference between e.g. 'what is needed in this situation' and 'what I need to feel OK'. All the best. Nick
Paul Kloppers
19/8/2016 09:42:48 am
An informative read. Thanks!
Nick Wright
19/8/2016 09:43:25 am
Thanks Paul! All the best. Nick
Kevin Su
19/8/2016 04:08:16 pm
Those perfectionists tend to stick to their way of doing things; the perfect way. Which also implies they are untrainable. The key question here is why do we want to train those untrainable iso utilize valuable resources on another trainable group of people? You can't never feed any one food if he is not willing to open up his mouth.
Nick Wright
19/8/2016 04:30:02 pm
Hi Kevin. That's an interesting challenge! Perhaps an alternative approach could be, say, to explore different options and priorities (e.g. quality over time; time over quality; outcome over process; process over outcome etc) along with the positive and negative implications of each option. That could help a person reframe what constitutes 'perfect' in that context. Does that make sense? All the best. Nick
Kevin Su
27/8/2016 05:24:46 pm
Hi! Nick, I do agree to explore the options on thos so called "perfectionists" as long as you have plenty of time. But the fact is they are so obsessed with the "perfection" idea and would never give it up until the day they hit the wall with it(I knew it for I used to be one of them until I really hit the wall). That in my opinion appears to be a better timing to offer effective training for he is now more than willing to listen. Without his emptying own ideas, we can't never input any new ideas. That's the physical law. Isn't it?
Sara Barrie
19/8/2016 07:25:08 pm
Coach to achieve excellence as opposed to perfection.
Nick Wright
19/8/2016 07:30:36 pm
Hi Sara and thanks for the note. I guess a tricky part is that 'excellence' and 'perfection' are personally and culturally construed. How do we enable a perfectionist to differentiate between them? And, if the perfectionist sees anthing less than what they believe is perfect to be a failure? All the best. Nick
Kellie Garrett, ACC, ICD.D, IABC Fellow
20/8/2016 12:25:41 pm
I'm a recovering perfectionist. I'm possibility oriented and always see that more could be done. What helped me most was understanding that applying top standards to everything is a dumb decision in business. You need to decide what is 'git 'er done' work vs. high stakes, high profile work. It was still hard for me to produce a hot dog when I knew that steak and lobster was possible, but hot dogs taste great too!
Nick Wright
20/8/2016 12:30:42 pm
Hi Kellie. Your experience and recovery sound similar to my own. Mike, who I mention in the blog, encouraged me to think in terms of opportunity cost: at what stage does my spending too much time and energy to perfect one thing start to prove detrimental to something else I could be doing? So it's something about value, values and judgement calls. I love your analogy! All the best. Nick
Steve Kopp
20/8/2016 12:31:24 pm
Nick - the good enough is such a key point. I like to relate an Easter dinner I went to - the mother had cut up and decorated a cake to be the Easter Bunny. It was fun, but not a perfect job. However the kids were all delighted and enchanted..... and in 24 hours it would come out as poop. I encourage clients to 'dare to be adequate' and then note that I have a different level of 'adequate' for someone doing open heart surgery on me than I had for the cake.
Nick Wright
20/8/2016 12:40:48 pm
Hi Steve. What a great illustration of the cake! 'Dare to be adequate' would be a great challenge to pose in a group of perfectionists! ;) My sense is it's something about, 'What does this situation call for?' (e.g. cake vs open heart surgery) and, 'What does the client need to feel satisfied, safe, loved, worthwhile etc?' The two are sometimes in tension and this can be fruitful territory to explore with a coaching client. Another dimension to explore could b,e 'Who else?' and, 'What else?' in the client's situation. This creates opportunity to explore wider relational, cultural and contextual implications for other people, projects etc. if the client tries to do everything 'perfectly'. All the best. Nick
Janice Tollini
20/8/2016 04:41:36 pm
We all strive for perfection, with the understanding that it simply does not exist. So we are constantly disappointed in ourselves and in the efforts of others. I think our goal to be to do our absolute best and learn from whatever mistakes or imperfections arise from our best effort.
Nick Wright
20/8/2016 04:46:57 pm
Hi Janice and thanks for the note. I don't think everyone strives for perfection, although those who do often appear to feel a sense of disappointment. It's a belief and a feeling that no-one, nothing is ever good enough. To do our best and to learn on route sounds like a healthier work ethic to me - except, of course, in those tasks and environments where 'perfection' really is required! All the best. Nick
Ayodele Sebilleau
21/8/2016 07:55:17 pm
Thank you Nick for this thought provoking piece. I think that aside from exploring what that "draft" means personally to us perfectionists, we should also bear in mind the signals it sends out to our teams. A perfectionist, willingly or not, also puts a lot of pressure on his / her team who try to emulate that drive for perfection.
Nick Wright
21/8/2016 07:59:16 pm
Thank you, Ayodele. I think that's a very important point. I can think of times when I have put unreasonable pressure onto people to meet my own idea of 'perfect' when, on reflection, it wasn't really needed. It would have been better if I had allowed them the space and freedom to work according to their own standards - which would have been, in most cases, good and enough. All the best. Nick
Kirsten Nicholl
22/8/2016 09:22:29 am
I'm also a bit of a reformed perfectionist and have many clients with challenges in this area. Assisting them to focus on the big picture and then becoming aware of priorities seems to help them gain perspective and they realise that they simply can't prioritise everything equally. Also assisting them to see that life as a whole and elements within it such as business/career - everything - is a work in progress that will never be completed, so best adopt the marathon Vs sprint mentality. I help them to see that their actions need to be personally sustainable if they are to go the long haul without burnout or being overwhelmed.
Nick Wright
22/8/2016 09:38:45 am
Hi Kirsten and thanks for sharing such useful insights and ideas. It seems like perfectionist tendencies are more common than I had realised when jotting down the blog! Good to hear there are other recovering and reformed perfectionists out there. :)
Martine Dinh
23/8/2016 08:52:39 am
Actually, it would all depend on what that client is asking coaching for. What does (s)he want to achieve? The story only tells us what the feedback of the leaders has been, resulting in a feeling of "I need to learn" this or that. Coaching works best with people who have a deep desire to change and put in the necessary work... First thing maybe would be exploring the true motivations and aspirations behind needs and shoulds. Or else it would be more like "fixing" for compliance.
Nick Wright
23/8/2016 09:03:14 am
Thanks Martine. Yes, I agree that it depends on what the client wants to work on and that the client plays a critical role in their own change. The coach can pose reflections and observations (e.g. of the client's apparent desire to do everything 'perfectly') that can raise the client's awareness too. All the best. Nick
Lory Lanese
24/8/2016 05:06:59 pm
Nick: One question I would ask would be: What does being perfect to you mean? For me it is about exploration then the person must choose if they want to make a shift or not. Lory
Nick Wright
24/8/2016 05:08:16 pm
Hi Lory. I think that's a good question. 'Perfection' is in the eye of the beholder, so to speak. All the best. Nick
Joyce Logan CHRP
31/8/2016 04:14:36 pm
My solution in training is that all training is a living document, so draft is not needed. Great discussion.
Nick Wright
31/8/2016 04:17:37 pm
Thanks Joyce. I like the way you expressed that. It's something about creating a training event as an opportunity for a learning experience and contracting with the group accordingly. If perfectionist trainees are overly concerned about impressing the trainer or peers or worried about letting themselves down, it will be very hard for them to step out, take risks and try new things. Does that make sense? All the best. Nick
Dawn Cook, PCC
19/9/2016 03:19:18 pm
I'm coaching a police officer who is a perfectionist and she hesitates to make a decision in the heat of the moment because she is afraid to take away someone's freedom. Taking away freedom and affecting someone's life forever is a big deal to her (justifiably). She wonders if she has done a good enough job of evaluating the situation which makes her hesitate and evaluate longer. She's penalized for this by superiors. I've used some of the concepts in this discussion-beliefs/values, mindfulness, situational drivers, but would be curious how you would coach her. The biggest 'aha' for her so far is that she didn't make the decision to act in a way that jeopardizes their freedom. They own that choice. Other ideas appreciated.
Nick Wright
19/9/2016 03:28:59 pm
Hi Dawn and thanks for sharing such an interesting example from personal experience. It sounds as if the police officer is worried about making the 'wrong' decision. Without knowing more about the situation, I wonder if she is taking on too much personal responsibility for the decision? Her professional role requires her to act in certain ways and, I imagine, it is the role of the courts and wider judicial process/system to determine whether a person's freedom should be curtailed. Does that make sense? All the best. Nick
Judy Krings, Ph.D.,PCC
24/9/2016 11:36:35 am
Great discussion. Love the Easter bunny story, Steve, and I have actually made some of those bunnies! I am reminded of the 70% rule in business. Sometimes that % is enough to get the job done.I think some of us need to define our definition of success for each challenge. I am reminded of mindset and "prevention " vs "promotion" thinking/action. I often ask clients when they ask, "Is it good enough?"...For whom? You, your boss, or some imaginary internal inner critic committee sending you to hell is it is not done to their standards. Many laugh here. I also use Integrated body centered coaching (head, heart, spirit) to ask them what perfectionism looks like. Where does it live. When does it show up? How could use use loving kindness to let it know you realize it is trying to help you, but the reality is it may be a hurdle. Sometimes I will ask the client if they are willing to shrink it to some sort of key chain size object to remind themselves to let go of hindering perfectionism.
Nick Wright
24/9/2016 11:38:58 am
Thanks for sharing such great insights and ideas, Judy. I particularly liked your comment, 'How could use use loving kindness to let it know you realize it is trying to help you, but the reality is it may be a hurdle.' It is a very compassionate approach to creating a different dialogue with ourselves. All the best. Nick
Amy Alpert
24/9/2016 11:39:59 am
In the book the Confidence Code they talk about a new business term called Fail Fast. She talks about how the world moves so quickly today that we need to throw things into the mix sooner, gather data and then move on. I now coach my clients who have paralysis by analysis to "fail fast".
Nick Wright
24/9/2016 11:41:09 am
Thanks Amy. The 'fail fast' principle appeals to me. It reminds me of action research. A good way to experiment with a different way of being and working - and making progress. All the best. Nick
Kirsten Nicholl
24/9/2016 11:42:26 am
HI Nick yes - it's important to help the client gain awareness around how this pattern became established in them. I find that it's usually something they took onboard as a kid and then it becomes reinforced (and in many cases rewarded and applauded). It's also, in my experience, associated with some kind of fear of rejection or failure and so I have the client look this squarely in the eye and analyse the situation ecologically. What would be the far-reaching consequences of not "getting it right" or "perfect"? Is the fear legit or is it something they are blowing up? I draw on a whole range of approaches to help pull the thing out by the roots! Agree with everyone's comments here too - especially Judy's "according to whom?" focus.
Nick Wright
24/9/2016 11:46:51 am
Thanks Kirsten. Yes, that has been my experience too. Often people who are driven perfectionists - rather than people who are doing something 'perfectly' because that's what the situation actually calls for - are influenced by subconscious messages/conclusions they have drawn from early life experiences. These influences are often linked to fear of rejection or fear of failure. All the best. Nick
Tiny van Driel
24/9/2016 11:47:49 am
I read a lot of useful replies on the question how to coach a perfectionist. To me it depends also a lot on the person, apart from the perfectionism, what effect does this have, in what area's is it helpful, in what area's not? What does the person feel when this perfectionist urge is coming up? Where is it felt? Can they do something else with this feeling than being perfectionist? For instance ask feedback, involve others in judging how well the job is done up to a certain point well before the grand finale. They may also identify the perfectionist urge as just another feeling, which is controlling them instead of them controlling the feeling..... Ask the how they would feel about this and react if the feeling wasn't a feeling but another person; would they let themselves be controlled just like that? How come they let this feeling take control over them? Another thing I sometimes call in is wabi sabi; the japanese art of imperfection; it's beautiful!
Nick Wright
24/9/2016 11:52:18 am
Thank you for sharing such great insights and questions, Tiny. 'Where is it felt?' reminds me of Gestalt. It would be interesting to experiment with different physical movements in relation to the feeling...to see what insights and experiences emerge from it. All the best. Nick
Neill Hahn
24/9/2016 07:08:06 pm
Like so many others, I'm a recovering perfectionist too. A major factor is that we don't really know what we are aiming for. Finding perfection is like walking to the horizon... It is only in mathematically measurable situations that it can be defined ("10/10") and these don't occur much in real life; mostly in man-made tests and sports. The goals shift year by year as things advance - beyond current horizons. Another observation is that perfection has no character. We are attracted to novelty - the flawed. As John Legend calls them "your perfect imperfections" (All Of Me). If I were to somehow achieve ‘perfection’, I would be a misfit amongst those I love, those real, unmeasurable, people. I would likely become self-righteous (look around at the self-declared "perfect" people -and run). It’s lonely at the top, so to win at perfection in real life, is to lose! It only belongs in games.
Nick Wright
24/9/2016 07:11:02 pm
Hi Neill and thanks for sharing such interesting insights and perspectives. I really liked your ideas around attraction to novelty and comedy as taking the wrong view. It's something about allowing ourselves and others to be weird that can be so liberating! All the best. Nick Leave a Reply. |
Nick WrightI'm a psychological coach, trainer and OD consultant. Curious to discover how can I help you? Get in touch! 
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