Perfect

15/6/2021

‘To demand perfection from someone is to crush them.’ (Joyce Huggett)

I’m a recovering perfectionist. Perhaps I’ll never fully get over it, but the first step is at least to admit it. In the olden days when we used to write things like letters, essays and reports on paper with a typewriter or pen (some of you won’t remember that far back), I can recall clearly a sense of dismay if I made a mistake at the end of a sheet, and ripping it up to start all over again. The thought of a crossed-out word, or Tippex, was far too painful to contemplate. Everything had to be…perfect.

This kind of perfectionist streak can be a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it can drive us to achieve dizzying heights that would otherwise seem impossible. On the other hand, it can leave us permanently frustrated, disappointed or exhausted. We may spend inordinate amounts of time and energy on tasks and relationships, where ‘good enough’ really would have been good and enough. There’s an opportunity cost too: I’m wasting resources that would be better used elsewhere.

Yet perhaps the most dangerous dynamic is if and when we begin to impose those same standards, expectations and demands on other people; irrespective of what the situation or relationship itself calls for. This is a risk of ‘red pen leadership’ – where a leader or manager (or, perhaps, parent or partner) takes issue with every slightest detail in another person’s e.g. appearance, performance or behaviour, to the point where the other person is left feeling damaged, diminished or despairing.

If you have perfectionist tendencies or are leading-coaching others who do, there are some useful insights from psychology that can help, e.g. psychodynamic: ‘What has happened to you that makes perfection feel so critical?’; Gestalt: ‘What are you not-noticing here and now?’; cognitive: ‘What assumptions are you making about who or what’s most important?’; systemic: ‘What cultural factors are driving your behaviour?’ I’m learning to breathe, pray, relax, be more pragmatic – and forgive.

48 Comments

Neill Hahn

16/6/2021 10:05:32 am

Excellent point Nick. I was taught to aim for perfect too... but have since discovered that the idea or perfection comes from a mind that has yet to learn what the concept of "enough" is and how freeing it is to know it.
My own view is that Perfection has no character.
( example: OO0O Which "circle" catches your eye?)

Nick Wright

16/6/2021 10:06:49 am

Thank you, Neill. I'm intrigued. Can you say a bit more about what you mean by 'perfection has no character'..?

16/6/2021 10:45:04 pm

Nick, let's start with: How do we even measure Perfection, to know if/ when we have achieved it? It can be done in pure maths (the tool for measuring 'nothing in particular') as 10/10, or 100% (of what in the real world?). But as a person... what if I declare perfection as me! For you to be perfect, you'd have to be me too. As would every other perfect person. But then what happens to "you"? You, as a person can be recognised by your differences to me and every other person. It's your "imperfections" that give you your character. Unless of course you are perfection... in which case you have no special character, and the rest of us individuals who aren't you, do. "Perfection" would have to be cloned to have any measurable meaning, which would describe a boring imperfect world, wouldn't it?

16/6/2021 10:53:11 pm

Thanks Neill. I think this may be off at a tangent, but you reminded me the thesis in Leibniz's philosophy that this is the best of all possible worlds. That reminded me, too, of the idea in strengths-based thinking that the things we often consider as 'weaknesses' are often the flipsides of things we consider as 'strengths'. (I said a bit more about this in this related short piece - where you kindly commented too: https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/flip) If we tried to rid ourselves of everything we currently regard as 'weaknesses', we may inadvertently lose many of the things we currently consider as 'strengths' too.

17/6/2021 06:07:31 pm

Nick, thanks for that. I revisited that post. Just imagine if we did achieve this mythical state called Perfection. We would, I assume, have to have no weaknesses, only strengths. What a boring, lopsided person we would become! Someone that no one could relate to. No thanks.
I love the line in John Legend's song "All of Me"
"Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections.”

17/6/2021 08:21:10 pm

Hi Neill. That's a really interesting perspective. You've got me wondering. I see Jesus Christ as perfect, without him being boring or lopsided. It raises deep questions for me about what it means to be 'perfect' in the truest possible sense.

18/6/2021 10:30:10 am

Nick, you've mentioned an interesting point, that the measure of what perfect is when applied to the personal, is exactly that, personal. There can be no absolute measure without a set, agreed reference. Is my view on perfect the one, or is it yours, or someone else's? If I have married the perfect woman, does that mean my neighbour's wife is faulty or imperfect?

18/6/2021 10:33:53 am

Wow, Neill, I love your question: 'If I have married the perfect woman, does that mean my neighbour's wife is faulty or imperfect?' That is so profound..! There are some resonances with a couple of short related pieces you may find interesting:

https://www.nick-wright.com/leadership-as-a-relational-dynamic.html

https://www.nick-wright.com/what-is-really-going-on-here.html

Kelly Nowocien

16/6/2021 10:08:03 am

So true Nick. I'm in the recovering perfectionist club too and as you say, awareness is key. I've come to realize that perfectionism is an umbrella thought that needs to be consistently questioned. One tool I've learned and that works for me is how to deliberately create a feeling of sufficiency to fill the gap of "not good enough", then come back to the task at hand with this new perspective. Sounds so simple but it's effective :).

16/6/2021 10:11:03 am

Thank you, Kelly. :) I'd love to hear more about 'how to deliberately create a feeling of sufficiency to fill the gap of 'not good enough.'' Can you say a bit more...perhaps with an example from experience to illustrate it?

16/6/2021 10:45:56 pm

To give you a brief idea Nick, it’s a process that involves practicing certain feelings on purpose to spur myself/clients into action (as we’re often held back by overthinking, anxiety etc.), which can be as simple as pressing publish on an article or post. As our thoughts create our emotions, I have a set of questions & thoughts that I go to that help me step into the feeling I want. I think of it like I'm choosing a piece of clothing to wear. Getting into that «thought & feeling» energy obviously requires being fully present in our body as well as consistent practice. Just one of the techniques in my perfectionist toolbox ;)

16/6/2021 10:59:47 pm

Hi Kelly. Thank you for sharing a bit more about how you do this in practice. It sounds like there are some similarities with, say, cognitive-behavioural therapy or coaching where we may change our thinking in order to change how we feel and subsequently behave. That sounds like a useful way to help counteract perfectionist tendencies, especially where they become unhealthy for us and-or others. I posted a short related piece, based on insights from Human Givens therapy, that may resonate with your approach too? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/the-pertinent-ps

17/6/2021 01:16:03 pm

Your article definitely resonated! I agree that the 5th P of perspective can take time and so we need another 2 P's: perseverance & patience 😊. I love your last 2 P's. - Very interesting - thanks for sharing.

17/6/2021 01:20:09 pm

Thank you, Kelly. Perseverance and patience are great additions! :)

Mandy Worrall

17/6/2021 02:09:52 am

Unless one is perfect, no one has the right to demand perfection. Aiming High and doing our best is great, no one can ask more, or has a right to more. A different kind of high performance may be possible, and understanding how to get to it is fine, but demanding perfection is unrealistic and unreasonable.

17/6/2021 02:22:58 am

Thank you, Mandy. 'No one can ask more, or has a right to more.' Interesting point. I'm always curious about what drives a felt need for perfection, including in myself. Often it appears to arise from subconscious beliefs such as, for instance, 'I must do everything perfectly if I am to be loved.'

In that sense, it may represent an underlying need and desire to be loved (...or accepted...or affirmed), rather than to do everything perfectly per se. If we project our own psychological need for perfection onto others, and often without even knowing we are doing it, it can become very damaging for people and relationships.

I once wrote a short 'spirituality' piece on a related theme that may (or may not) be of interest? https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/why-is-grace-so-hard

17/6/2021 10:02:04 am

Nick, thanks for sharing, have read your article. There is the third way to balance both, and that is to accept ourselves, as what we ‘do’ isn’t us. You are more than your fears, expectations and actions, and inactions. You are more than anyone’s opinion, even your own opinion of yourself. Opinions change as we go along, anyway. An immutable truth is change happens, our awareness is smarter.

17/6/2021 10:14:42 am

Thanks Mandy. 'You are more than your fears, expectations and actions, and inactions. You are more than anyone’s opinion, even your own opinion of yourself.'

Yes, the relationship between who we are intrinsically and what we may think, feel or do is a complex one. (Are you familiar with Vivien Burr's intriguing work in this area, e.g. in her book Social Constructionism (2015)?)

Self-acceptance is a complex phenomenon too, and relates to different notions of 'self' and 'acceptance'. I jotted down some personal reflections on this theme in a couple of short related pieces:

https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/who-are-we
https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/existential-coaching

I'd be interested to know what you think!

17/6/2021 01:22:49 pm

Nick, good stuff. There is also the mindset of becoming the person we believe we ought to be, as modelled by someone else, whether it’s a good fit, or not - and whom we find we are even it is a good fit. Emulation is not replication of a being, so some of those who fall into the old shoes of mentors and role models may find they aren’t as sure of whom they they thought they were, as resistance brings resilience, and a hard road is well won.

17/6/2021 01:26:06 pm

Hi Mandy. That sounds deeply profound. Do you have an example from personal experience you could share to help me imagine it more vividly?

17/6/2021 06:10:46 pm

Nick, not especially, just the age old story of people thinking the top of the ladder is the destination, while missing out on mindful witnessing of their own journey to get to it, only to find it’s not really their ladder, it’s what they thought was their ladder, because someone influenced them to follow in their footsteps and the rungs looked good. The only thing at the top is space, and a birds eye view. Nothing wrong with that, as we all need to move, in order to see where we’ve been, and plan our next move, but when we plug in a program, and ‘make’ it fit (and it may do for quite some time), we may forget the point, while we keep on shoehorning in the bits of ourselves that flop over the side, and the effort of that sometimes becomes the focus, instead of what we thought we were aiming for in the first place.

17/6/2021 08:05:43 pm

Hi Mandy. You reminded me of 'Hope for the Flowers' - a short allegorical story by Trina Paulus (1972). Are you familiar with it?

18/6/2021 08:43:41 am

No, but I will check it out. Thanks, Nick.

18/6/2021 08:45:02 am

You’re welcome. 😃

Sharon King

17/6/2021 01:21:01 pm

Thoughtful piece Nick. Love the way you have looked at all the different perspectives.

17/6/2021 01:24:54 pm

Hi Sharon - and thank you for the encouraging feedback.

Dana Sihov

17/6/2021 01:56:23 pm

There is something called healthy perfectionism and unhealthy (unhealed) one. If an unhealed perfectionist is your boss you're in big trouble, because this individual will never be satisfied and will never have enough.

17/6/2021 02:02:30 pm

Hi Dana. I like that distinction and, yes indeed. An unhealthy (unhealed) perfectionist is likely always to be dissatisfied with their own performance...and if they project that same dissatisfaction onto everyone and everything around them, it can leave others feeling criticised, overly-pressured and very disheartened too.

Lucy M

17/6/2021 02:05:35 pm

Hi Nick. Brilliant post and very relatable. Have you ever come across Shirzad Chamine’s ‘Positive Intelligence’ work and the ‘saboteur assessment’? ‘Stickler’ is one that I’m still working on 😉

17/6/2021 02:08:18 pm

Thank you, Lucy. I haven't come across that but you have definitely inspired me to look it up!

17/6/2021 02:14:03 pm

Cheers Nick.

Link to more details is here: https://www.positiveintelligence.com/100x

If you’re interested in going through the training programme, they’re offering it up for free to coaches again: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/my-multi-million-dollar-grant-coaches-shirzad-chamine/?trackingId=TRJL7b7OReOrOHz1%2FTjxyA%3D%3D

I went though it and it was intense and challenging, and mostly helpful. But hard to keep the muscle memory going unless you commit to continued practice 😉

17/6/2021 02:15:40 pm

Hi Lucy. Many thanks for providing further details - much appreciated. I've just glanced on Amazon and ordered a copy of Shirzad Chamine’s ‘Positive Intelligence’. I will look forward to reading it! :)

Marife Rosas

18/6/2021 08:38:41 am

That is great! Nick 😲

18/6/2021 08:39:44 am

Thank you, Marife! 😃

Ram Kumar

18/6/2021 11:23:13 am

Hi Nick.. Good read.... Its always better to be imperfect rather fake perfection. God Bless.

18/6/2021 11:26:23 am

Thank you, Ram. That's an interesting point and makes me wonder - what may drive people to attempt to fake perfection? On that theme, you may find this short related piece interesting?

https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/-faades

18/6/2021 12:12:59 pm

Very interesting article, Nick. It reminds me of a verse from the Holy Scripture that says 'I am that I am'. God created us in his image and likeness. Therefore, let's be authentic. I am is the two most powerful words. Whatever you add after it shapes your reality. Keep writing. God bless.

18/6/2021 12:21:15 pm

Thank you, Ram. Yes, there's a deep paradox in the Bible that, when I became a follower of Jesus, the question of who I am becomes less important, in some ways, than who Christ is living in and through me by the Holy Spirit. As the body of Christ, the answer to the question 'who am I?' is inseparably linked to the question of 'who are we?'

I like your comment: 'I am...the two post powerful words. Whatever you add after it shapes your reality.' There are resonances with this article that you may find interesting. It was originally a conference speech: https://www.nick-wright.com/sense-of-destiny.html

Kathrin Hoffmann

18/6/2021 12:03:07 pm

Since my early years in school, I have known that I will never be perfect at studying. My aim was to do the best I can. No matter how good others are. This accompanied me through my studies and it is the same in my job. In my private life I'm good at my household, hobbies and relationships with friends, but it's never perfect. It doesn't have to be for me either. That's why I don't know the "want / need to be perfect-feeling". Thank you to my parents and friends and especially to God for making me imperfect and for making me happy.

18/6/2021 12:27:03 pm

Hi Katharine and thank you for sharing from personal experience. It sounds like you have lived a life free of the tyranny of perfectionism! An aim and aspiration 'to do the best I can' from a place of freedom is so fundamentally different to the pressure and stress of 'I must do everything perfectly.'

Charles McCaul

21/6/2021 11:52:16 pm

I started learning that I can't expect perfection when I moved to a Cambodia. I still have high standards but have learned to give grace.

22/6/2021 09:38:34 am

Thanks Charles. I'd be intrigued to hear more about how living in Cambodia has influenced your ideas vis a vis perfection, high standards and grace..!

Antony Lee

21/6/2021 11:53:34 pm

Let's say, be perfect to align with our lord's goal and mercy. Remember, our lord is always watching us and he forgives.

22/6/2021 09:49:00 am

Thanks Antony. Yes, Jesus says, 'Be perfect, as your father in heaven is perfect'...and then makes it clear that only he can make us 'perfect' in God's eyes - by putting our trust in him. I, for one, am deeply grateful for his amazing love and forgiveness.

Here's an example from my own personal experience: https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/forgiven-but-not-forgotten; and another related short reflection on grace: https://www.nick-wright.com/blog/why-is-grace-so-hard

22/6/2021 01:11:36 pm

When God makes each and every one of us "perfect" then there is an incredible variety of how "perfect" can look. And what a gift that God knows exactly what I can do to achieve "perfect" in his eyes.

22/6/2021 10:51:37 pm

Thanks Kathrin. That's a great explanation of how 'perfect' can be a quality that shows up differently in different people - and, perhaps, a property of the combined qualities and relationships between people...and God.

Sandra Akelo

7/7/2021 04:14:46 pm

I'm the oldest among my three sisters, but there are times I feel I present expectation Rather than invitation, so I always ensure that I tell my siblings it's okay to do and become who they are comfortable becoming. 😊

7/7/2021 04:18:59 pm

Hi Sandra and thank you for such an honest personal response. Yes, the balance of 'invitation' and 'expectation' can be complex at times and in some relationships - especially perhaps as, say, leaders, teachers, parents or older siblings..!

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